Dear Vella . . .

[Guest]

Dear Vella,

I'm getting married in a few weeks, and I want everything to be as special and memorable as possible. See, she's the most amazing woman I've ever met, and I can't imagine my life without her, but I feel like I've already told her that in every way I know how. Now I want to show her. Any ideas on how I can knock her socks and panties off?

Sincerely,
Dirty Pillas

Dear Dirty Pillas,
I know that whatever you do, she will love. There is no need for going out on a limb to prove your love seeing as you have done this already. Simply being there for her and loving her the way you do, makes her smile on a near continual basis.
However, if you feel the need to knock her socks off, don't wear anything beneath your wedding gown. I feel certain that she will be trembling with excitement, knowing that you'll be nude beneath your finery.
She loves you with all her heart.
'oways'
v~

 

[Guest]

Dear vella_ms,

My old lady (she ain’t but 24 but I call her my old lady, ha ha) and me needed some extra money so we took in a roomer. Now, he’s okay and all, he works all night as one of them men strippers and sleeps all day so he don’t bother us much.

But the old lady up and quit her job. She says we don’t need her income so much no more what with me working some overtime and the roomer’s rent and all and that she is better off staying at home cleaning the house all day.

Then she went out and bought one of them computers with a camera thing on it and she says she is going to make some money from home selling stuff. It was the roomers idea and he is a pretty smart feller.

Well, the house is a lot cleaner and she even keeps my fishing tackle real neat and clean and she don’t bitch about me going fishing on Saturdays and Sundays no more, in fact she wants me to go cause she says I need to rest more now that I'm working a lot of overtime.

We used to have sex at least once ever week or two but now she don’t ever want to and she says it is because she is so wore out from cleaning.

Should I hire her a maid?


Horny in Hooterville

PS- your cute

Dear Horny in Hooterville,
This is a tough situation. I think you should hire a maid, one that you find in adult advertisements. She should be quite attractive and bring her own tools to clean with as well as wear a costume that barely covers her body.
The reason for this will become quite clear after a short amount of time. Make sure to take your woman out for a day or two of relaxation. Leave the new maid and the boarder alone for some time and see what happens.
Best wishes
v~
btw, I would suggest you both run to the clinic and get tested as soon as possible.

 

[mlady_france]

Dear Vella,
I am feeling so positivly perky that I'm getting on my own nevers. I just want to smack my self. How can I release dome of this positive attitude in a helpful manner, and get off my nervers.

Bodatiously Bubbly.

 

[mismused]

Quote:
Originally Posted by lucky-E-leven
Dear Vella,

I'm getting married in a few weeks, and I want everything to be as special and memorable as possible. See, she's the most amazing woman I've ever met, and I can't imagine my life without her, but I feel like I've already told her that in every way I know how. Now I want to show her. Any ideas on how I can knock her socks and panties off?

Sincerely,
Dirty Pillas

Dear Dirty Pillas,
I know that whatever you do, she will love. There is no need for going out on a limb to prove your love seeing as you have done this already. Simply being there for her and loving her the way you do, makes her smile on a near continual basis.
However, if you feel the need to knock her socks off, don't wear anything beneath your wedding gown. I feel certain that she will be trembling with excitement, knowing that you'll be nude beneath your finery.
She loves you with all her heart.
'oways'
v~

=================================================

Dear Vella,

Tried to post this once, and something ate it -- must have really been tasty (I think so, anyways).

As another idea of how Lucky can show the lucky bride a very special something at the wedding, may I make this suggestion:

A special gown. The gown! A gown, or rather, gowns, made by the most universally known designer, and of the costliest material. Some call them Universal Gowns, others, Gowns by Creator, or Gowns by God.

At any rate, clones are the only fakes known to couturieres, but the xerox effect renders them worthless. Besides, it will also solve the undies problem as you never wear any undies under a Gown by God.

Was I helpful? (Oh, can you just imagine the lust they will inspire in each other. Yummy!)

Sincerely,

mismused



(edit: spelling. Ugh!)

 

[Lady_Kit]

Dear Vella,

There’s a group of people that I’d like to hang with but I’m intimidated by their wit & reports of sexual escapades. They have their own clubhouse called the “Authors Hangout” but I’m not sure if they’ll let me in…I’m only a lowly poster on the Sexual Roleplay Board. I can't just walk in, frankly, some of them scare me. I’ve seen what they do to newbies and it ain’t pretty!

A few nights ago I decided I’d show up with a bottle of wine, introduce myself and hope for the best. But, before I could make that first post I had a bit of “liquid courage.” The good news is that you can remove icky drool from a keyboard and avoid electrocution. The bad news is that now I’m outta wine, I've lost the markings on my A, S, D, X & Z keys, and the left side of my face my be permanently scored for a small game of checkers.

What should I do? My alter-ego, Mistress Gimme Gimmie Gimme, says I’ll be fine, but I think she just wants to get in so she can pick up chicks. She’s like that sometimes.

Sincerely,

Intimidated (by Authors) yet Excited (by Intelligent Conversation)

 

[LadyJeanne]

Dear ladyJeanne,
I have given this matter considerable thought and while most people would tell you to just deal with it, I have several ideas that might just help this noise pollution.

• What child doesn't fear the boogie man? Buy a life size boogie man for your front porch. You'll be amazed.
• A large breed dog with sharp pointy teeth also may do wonders
• If you are looking to be inconspicuous, a sign warning that screaming children might be shot.
• and last, but not least...confrontation. The first time, they may not take you seriously. The second time, bring your gun

I hope I have given you some good ideas to deal with this noise. Let me know how it works out.
I wish you only the best
v~

Thank you Miss Vella. I've temporarily solved my problem by going to Vancouver. It's quiet up here, though a bit chilly and rainy. I'm trying to find a Mountie to bring back with me; my hope is he can play the role of boogie man and protect me from all screamers, great and small. If he sports his gun, we'll try your fourth option as well.

 

[Guest]

Dear Vella,
I am feeling so positivly perky that I'm getting on my own nevers. I just want to smack my self. How can I release dome of this positive attitude in a helpful manner, and get off my nervers.

Bodatiously Bubbly.

Dear Bodatiously Bubbly,
While some people might find your enthusiasm delightfully annoying, go forth and multiply it! Never give in to the grumpies of the world and revel in the good. That's my advice, and im sticking to it!
Happily,
v~

 

[Guest]

Quote:
Originally Posted by lucky-E-leven
Dear Vella,

I'm getting married in a few weeks, and I want everything to be as special and memorable as possible. See, she's the most amazing woman I've ever met, and I can't imagine my life without her, but I feel like I've already told her that in every way I know how. Now I want to show her. Any ideas on how I can knock her socks and panties off?

Sincerely,
Dirty Pillas





=================================================

Dear Vella,

Tried to post this once, and something ate it -- must have really been tasty (I think so, anyways).

As another idea of how Lucky can show the lucky bride a very special something at the wedding, may I make this suggestion:

A special gown. The gown! A gown, or rather, gowns, made by the most universally known designer, and of the costliest material. Some call them Universal Gowns, others, Gowns by Creator, or Gowns by God.

At any rate, clones are the only fakes known to couturieres, but the xerox effect renders them worthless. Besides, it will also solve the undies problem as you never wear any undies under a Gown by God.

Was I helpful? (Oh, can you just imagine the lust they will inspire in each other. Yummy!)

Sincerely,

mismused



(edit: spelling. Ugh!)

Dear mismused,
You were helpful and I do believe a 'gown by god' would be most appropriate. I'll have to talk her into it though...for the public ceremony. for the private, i've no doubt, both of us will be wearing the same designer...
*wink*
v~

 

[Guest]

Dear Vella,

There’s a group of people that I’d like to hang with but I’m intimidated by their wit & reports of sexual escapades. They have their own clubhouse called the “Authors Hangout” but I’m not sure if they’ll let me in…I’m only a lowly poster on the Sexual Roleplay Board. I can't just walk in, frankly, some of them scare me. I’ve seen what they do to newbies and it ain’t pretty!

A few nights ago I decided I’d show up with a bottle of wine, introduce myself and hope for the best. But, before I could make that first post I had a bit of “liquid courage.” The good news is that you can remove icky drool from a keyboard and avoid electrocution. The bad news is that now I’m outta wine, I've lost the markings on my A, S, D, X & Z keys, and the left side of my face my be permanently scored for a small game of checkers.

What should I do? My alter-ego, Mistress Gimme Gimmie Gimme, says I’ll be fine, but I think she just wants to get in so she can pick up chicks. She’s like that sometimes.

Sincerely,

Intimidated (by Authors) yet Excited (by Intelligent Conversation)

Dear Intimidated,
Do not let yourself be 'intimidated' by those here on the AH. As you can see, they even let me, a lowly agony aunt post here without too much hassle. I do have to pay the intellectuals with a piece of my soul but I feel that it is much worth it.
Be yourself. Jump up and join in. We all had to start somewhere. But I do know what you're talking about as I lurked the AH for a couple months before I started to post. We are a bunch of odd people but more accepting people, you couldn't hope to find.
So, I welcome you to the fold, with open arms.
v~

 

[Guest]

Thank you Miss Vella. I've temporarily solved my problem by going to Vancouver. It's quiet up here, though a bit chilly and rainy. I'm trying to find a Mountie to bring back with me; my hope is he can play the role of boogie man and protect me from all screamers, great and small. If he sports his gun, we'll try your fourth option as well.

Dear LadyJanne,
I am so glad to get feedback. I've no doubt that your acumen with hunting Mounties will produce just the right set of circumstances. Not sure whey type of gun Mounties carry but I feel certain that whichever kind it is, you'll put it to good use!
FIRE IN THE HOLE!
Sorry, sometimes, my enthusiasm gets the best of me.
Enjoy,
v~

 

[SensualCealy]

Dearest Vella,

I have these two bestest buddies, they just announced their engagement and quickly coming wedding. I am happy for them but...

Being a bestest buddy, I never got an invitation, nor did I get asked to stand up with them. I know I live a distance away, but would make a point of being there for them. Should I feel hurt, or just understand this is a private deal and get over it?

I really hope they like my present!
Cealy )from Canada


Edited to add ~ This is meant to be a ha ha. Dear Abby kinda thing. Do not take seriously!

 

[jill999]

Dear Vella,

I sincerely hope that you can help me with a daunting problem. It started about a year ago when I changed my writing genre from romance to mystery. I have a habit of borrowing the likeness of my characters from the people I know in real life. I have often used my husband as the basis of my fictional characters.

In my latest work (unpublished), the villian takes after my darling husband in his physical appearance and mannerisms. In the past, I normally used his likeness in the hero's role.

He volunteered to help me edit this work and he has been very stand offish since. Should I change the story or should I have him pretend to be a villian in some kinky roleplay sex with me? He is really a sweatheart so I don't know if he could make a very convincing bad guy.

What should I do Vella?

Confused and concerned.......

PS: I also had a minor online fight with Cantdog over this work. We have made up and all is well. Thanks to him for his help.

 

[Guest]

Dearest Vella,

I have these two bestest buddies, they just announced their engagement and quickly coming wedding. I am happy for them but...

Being a bestest buddy, I never got an invitation, nor did I get asked to stand up with them. I know I live a distance away, but would make a point of being there for them. Should I feel hurt, or just understand this is a private deal and get over it?

I really hope they like my present!
Cealy )from Canada


Edited to add ~ This is meant to be a ha ha. Dear Abby kinda thing. Do not take seriously!

Dear Cealy from Canada,
I understand your angst. You shouldn't feel hurt though as I have a feeling they would never want to hurt anyone by omitting them from the guest list (I happen to know them and they just figured that no one else would be able to make the trip). However, you should make them aware of your feelings with a good swift kick if thats what it takes.
That you are still sending them a present clearly shows your superior soul.
Sincerely,
v~

 

[Guest]

Dear Vella,

I sincerely hope that you can help me with a daunting problem. It started about a year ago when I changed my writing genre from romance to mystery. I have a habit of borrowing the likeness of my characters from the people I know in real life. I have often used my husband as the basis of my fictional characters.

In my latest work (unpublished), the villian takes after my darling husband in his physical appearance and mannerisms. In the past, I normally used his likeness in the hero's role.

He volunteered to help me edit this work and he has been very stand offish since. Should I change the story or should I have him pretend to be a villian in some kinky roleplay sex with me? He is really a sweatheart so I don't know if he could make a very convincing bad guy.

What should I do Vella?

Confused and concerned.......

PS: I also had a minor online fight with Cantdog over this work. We have made up and all is well. Thanks to him for his help.

Dear Confused and concerned,
While I am trying to understand the situation, I clearly don't know enough to suggest you have your husband do any kind of kinky sex play. However, what fun! Do you think you may have hurt his feelings with the character traits you have for your villian? Could he be stand offish because he doesn't see himself in this light?
From my point of view, you shouldn't change the story. It's hard enough to write a story, nevermind changing it! Perservere, dear. He'll cum 'round.
v~

 

[SensualCealy]

Dearest Vella,

I have a problem, I have never been to a lesbian wedding before, how do I address the envelope, Mrs and Mrs... or by do I take the easy way out and just use their first names?
Perplexed in Canada

 

[lucky-E-leven]

Dear Vella,

I've heard some women get that not-so-fresh feeling.

WTF is that all about?

Sincerely,
Spring Blossoms

 

[Guest]

Dearest Vella,

I have a problem, I have never been to a lesbian wedding before, how do I address the envelope, Mrs and Mrs... or by do I take the easy way out and just use their first names?
Perplexed in Canada

Dear Perplexed in Canada,
This is a very interesting conundrum. While I wouldn't condone the use of "Bitch and bitch", I find that very amusing. I think that the use of first names would be most appropriate unless you just want to write "Sexy and beautiful", which also has a certain flair to it.
Best wishes,
v~

 

[Guest]

Dear Vella,

I've heard some women get that not-so-fresh feeling.

WTF is that all about?

Sincerely,
Spring Blossoms

Dear Spring Blossoms,
It occurs to me that perhaps you are not as concerned as you might want to be. This leads me to believe that you are undercover Massengil agent, wishing to infiltrate my colomn while pushing your vinegar and water douche's on my readers. Fie! Poorly done! All you had to do was write me about advertising opportunities and we could have come to an agreeable outcome.
Sincerely,
v~fresh as a summers eve

 

[lil_elvis]

Dear vella,

Lately I've noticed a pain in my wrist after only a few hours of viewing Lit, could I have carpal tunnel syndrome? Is there an ointment I can use?

Please help!
Sore joint in jersey

 

[lucky-E-leven]

Dear Spring Blossoms,
It occurs to me that perhaps you are not as concerned as you might want to be. This leads me to believe that you are undercover Massengil agent, wishing to infiltrate my colomn while pushing your vinegar and water douche's on my readers. Fie! Poorly done! All you had to do was write me about advertising opportunities and we could have come to an agreeable outcome.
Sincerely,
v~fresh as a summers eve

No, no, no. You've got me all wrong. I just wanted to see WTF? printed in the newspaper. Thanks!

~Spring Blossoms

 

[minsue]

No, no, no. You've got me all wrong. I just wanted to see WTF? printed in the newspaper. Thanks!

~Spring Blossoms

You're so cute when you're easy.

 

[rikaaim]

You're so cute when you're easy.

Even more so when playing hard to get.

However, nothing beats an adorable, and literate, goose. *swoon*

 

[Dar~]

Dear Vella,
I have this quilt I am making and I really need to get my butt into gear and finish it, but there's this website I am just slightly addicted to. I keep spending my extra time on the site and not sewing. I love sewing, but I also love talking to the people on the site. help!
Crackwhore for Lit

 

[Guest]

Dear vella,

Lately I've noticed a pain in my wrist after only a few hours of viewing Lit, could I have carpal tunnel syndrome? Is there an ointment I can use?

Please help!
Sore joint in jersey

Dear Sore Joint in Jersey,
I know just what you are talking about and if you don't stop this activity, not only will you have carpal tunnel syndrom but you'll suffer from:
hairy palms
blindness
and a host of other such problems. Perhaps the best thing to do is contain your 'activities' to one time a day? Remember, only YOU, can prevent forest fires.
Sincerely,
v~

 

[Guest]

Dear Vella,
I have this quilt I am making and I really need to get my butt into gear and finish it, but there's this website I am just slightly addicted to. I keep spending my extra time on the site and not sewing. I love sewing, but I also love talking to the people on the site. help!
Crackwhore for Lit

Dear Crackwhore for Lit,
Its difficult, isn't it? you must find the balance you need to do both. What i propose is placing your sewing items close to the computer so that you might sew inbetween conversations. Learn to multitask! The most seasoned Lit members will tell you of their convoluted activites. They will explain how they have converted their coffee machines to pipe their nectar into their cups without having to move a muscle. Time will tell, but I believe that you will be able to do both sewing and typing at the same time without a thought!
Rock on!
v~