Dear Vella . . .

[mlady_france]

Dear vella ~

the neighbor's free-range cats are shitting in my flowerbed. I sprinkled it heavily with red pepper but that doesn't seem to be working; and the gun turrets and landmines aren't allowed by city ordinance. The neighbor is an old crippled cat lady and I don't think from her wheelchair she could do anything to prevent the cats from coming over. I will pepper the kitties, but I don't really want to hurt them... any ideas?

~signed, Shit Upon.

Not to taint the theme of this thread, but I have a real solution for ya. Try soaking some rags in amonia. Put them around your plants,and throughout the garden. If you notice the cats in any certain area, put a rag there. This also works well with raccoons and other animails.

 

[ElizabethWest]

Dear Vella,
I'm emotionally happy, physically fit, and spriritually serene.
All my bills are paid, and there's no major drama in my life.
WTF is wrong with me?

And you are single...why??

 

[carsonshepherd]

Not to taint the theme of this thread, but I have a real solution for ya. Try soaking some rags in amonia. Put them around your plants,and throughout the garden. If you notice the cats in any certain area, put a rag there. This also works well with raccoons and other animails.

There's always a 22...

 

[Black Tulip]

Dear Vella,

My bills are never paid. I'm in a perpetual state of poverty.
My work is about to collapse around my ears.
My study is sometimes boring me to death.
All nice men live hundreds of miles away.
But I'm still feeling on top of the world.

Is there reason to be concerned?

 

[impressive]

There's always a 22...

Little dishes of antifreeze are quieter. (Not that I'm condoning such behavior!)

 

[Guest]

Dear Vella,

My bills are never paid. I'm in a perpetual state of poverty.
My work is about to collapse around my ears.
My study is sometimes boring me to death.
All nice men live hundreds of miles away.
But I'm still feeling on top of the world.

Is there reason to be concerned?

Dear Black Tulip,
No, sweetie, no reason to be concerned. You are so normal it nearly hurts. However, because of your 'normal' status, I feel certain that before too long, you'll settle down to a life of ease with the man of your dreams. You'll both write porn together and will sail off into the sunset that we all would love to see.
Sincerely,
v~
btw, shouldnt you be studying?


oh and Carson....loverboy...how is it that a gay man has such pussy problems? it boggles!

 

[carsonshepherd]

oh and Carson....loverboy...how is it that a gay man has such pussy problems? it boggles!

meow

 

[LadyJeanne]

Dear Vella-la,

For some reason, all the crazy and not-so-crazy people who walk around my neighborhood talking, and sometimes screaming, to themselves choose our front porch as the epicenter of the loudest of their screams.

Just this morning at about 8am, I was woken by a four year old yelling inconsolably and incessantly, "BUT I WANT IT! I WANT IT! I WANT IT! I WANT IT! AAAAGHHHHH! I WANT IT!" His poor parents kept yelling, "TAKE A DEEP BREATH, DAVID! STOP AND TAKE A BREATH! BREATHE, DAVID, BREATHE!"

How can I make these people pick someone else's front porch? There are plenty of them to choose from.

 

[rgraham666]

[threadjack]

LadyJ. Rent a four year old of your own and pull the same trick on them tomorrow.

Fair's fair, after all.

[/threadjack]

 

[Black Tulip]

...
No, sweetie, no reason to be concerned. You are so normal it nearly hurts. However, because of your 'normal' status, I feel certain that before too long, you'll settle down to a life of ease with the man of your dreams. You'll both write porn together and will sail off into the sunset that we all would love to see...

Now there's a truly scary image.

..btw, shouldnt you be studying?...

Umh ... I will ... in a minute.

 

[Guest]

Dear Vella-la,

For some reason, all the crazy and not-so-crazy people who walk around my neighborhood talking, and sometimes screaming, to themselves choose our front porch as the epicenter of the loudest of their screams.

Just this morning at about 8am, I was woken by a four year old yelling inconsolably and incessantly, "BUT I WANT IT! I WANT IT! I WANT IT! I WANT IT! AAAAGHHHHH! I WANT IT!" His poor parents kept yelling, "TAKE A DEEP BREATH, DAVID! STOP AND TAKE A BREATH! BREATHE, DAVID, BREATHE!"

How can I make these people pick someone else's front porch? There are plenty of them to choose from.

Dear ladyJeanne,
I have given this matter considerable thought and while most people would tell you to just deal with it, I have several ideas that might just help this noise pollution.

• What child doesn't fear the boogie man? Buy a life size boogie man for your front porch. You'll be amazed.
• A large breed dog with sharp pointy teeth also may do wonders
• If you are looking to be inconspicuous, a sign warning that screaming children might be shot.
• and last, but not least...confrontation. The first time, they may not take you seriously. The second time, bring your gun

I hope I have given you some good ideas to deal with this noise. Let me know how it works out.
I wish you only the best
v~

 

[carsonshepherd]

Little dishes of antifreeze are quieter. (Not that I'm condoning such behavior!)

I would never do that to a poor little kitty cat... even if I did just catch him shitting out there again!

 

[mlady_france]

I would never do that to a poor little kitty cat... even if I did just catch him shitting out there again!

No but you would keep the 22 aimed.

 

[Guest]

I would never do that to a poor little kitty cat... even if I did just catch him shitting out there again!

catch them and cork them...
*grin*

 

[minsue]

catch them and cork them...
*grin*

You're a sick woman, Vella-la-la....

 

[Guest]

You're a sick woman, Vella-la-la....

yes, but would you change me?

 

[Liar]

Dear vella,

I lost my mojo. I had it with my car keys and now I can't find either. Any idea where I put'em?

cincereal,
A friend of mine, yeah that's it, a friend

 

[impressive]

I would never do that to a poor little kitty cat... even if I did just catch him shitting out there again!

Rub their noses in it?

 

[Guest]

Dear vella,

I lost my mojo. I had it with my car keys and now I can't find either. Any idea where I put'em?

cincereal,
A friend of mine, yeah that's it, a friend

Dear Liar aka "A friend of mine",
I would suggest you take a look where you have been. Re-trace your steps. For instance, find the last woman/man you had sex with, what would you find? I think thats the key.
The only other thing I can tell you is that you've never lost your mojo. Its always within you, you've only to kick it in the ass. As for your keys, I'll bring them back when I'm good and ready.
Sincerely,
v~

 

[Liar]

Dear Liar aka "A friend of mine",
I would suggest you take a look where you have been. Re-trace your steps. For instance, find the last woman/man you had sex with, what would you find? I think thats the key.

Archeology then. Got it.

The only other thing I can tell you is that you've never lost your mojo. Its always within you, you've only to kick it in the ass. As for your keys, I'll bring them back when I'm good and ready.
Sincerely,
v~

Does mojos have asses?

 

[Wildcard Ky]

Dear Vella,

Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.

I have a two fold problem. Here they are in order:

Problem number one is that when I look at Porn, I get this strange sensation somewhere down below the cockles of my groin area. Somewhere in the subcockles I think. This strange sensation leads me to want to talk to women in the hopes that they want to examine my cockle area. Is this normal?

Which leads to problem number 2. It seems that many of these women that I try to approach are..........wellll.............It turns out that they like other girls if you know what I mean. They shoot me down cold. I try to convince them that we have something in common. We both like girls. I try to tell them that I'm simply a lesbian trapped in a mans body, but it doesn't seem to have the desired effect. They still shoot me down. Any advice?

Signed,

(name withheld upon request) I'd be embarrassed if anyone knew it was me having these kinds of issues.

 

[lucky-E-leven]

Dear Vella,

I'm getting married in a few weeks, and I want everything to be as special and memorable as possible. See, she's the most amazing woman I've ever met, and I can't imagine my life without her, but I feel like I've already told her that in every way I know how. Now I want to show her. Any ideas on how I can knock her socks and panties off?

Sincerely,
Dirty Pillas

 

[Dar~]

^^^^^^
see what I mean I just love you people!!!!
Congrats!!!!

 

[Edward Teach]

Dear vella_ms,

My old lady (she ain’t but 24 but I call her my old lady, ha ha) and me needed some extra money so we took in a roomer. Now, he’s okay and all, he works all night as one of them men strippers and sleeps all day so he don’t bother us much.

But the old lady up and quit her job. She says we don’t need her income so much no more what with me working some overtime and the roomer’s rent and all and that she is better off staying at home cleaning the house all day.

Then she went out and bought one of them computers with a camera thing on it and she says she is going to make some money from home selling stuff. It was the roomers idea and he is a pretty smart feller.

Well, the house is a lot cleaner and she even keeps my fishing tackle real neat and clean and she don’t bitch about me going fishing on Saturdays and Sundays no more, in fact she wants me to go cause she says I need to rest more now that I'm working a lot of overtime.

We used to have sex at least once ever week or two but now she don’t ever want to and she says it is because she is so wore out from cleaning.

Should I hire her a maid?


Horny in Hooterville

PS- your cute

 

[Guest]

Dear Vella,

Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.

I have a two fold problem. Here they are in order:

Problem number one is that when I look at Porn, I get this strange sensation somewhere down below the cockles of my groin area. Somewhere in the subcockles I think. This strange sensation leads me to want to talk to women in the hopes that they want to examine my cockle area. Is this normal?

Which leads to problem number 2. It seems that many of these women that I try to approach are..........wellll.............It turns out that they like other girls if you know what I mean. They shoot me down cold. I try to convince them that we have something in common. We both like girls. I try to tell them that I'm simply a lesbian trapped in a mans body, but it doesn't seem to have the desired effect. They still shoot me down. Any advice?

Signed,

(name withheld upon request) I'd be embarrassed if anyone knew it was me having these kinds of issues.

Dear Wildcard KY,
I believe that you are a handsome and sensitive man, what I would refer to as an honorary lesbian. You must leave the true lesbians to be who they are, though and stop hanging around in gay bars. This might be your number one problem.
No worries, sweetie, as soon as you stop wearing fishnet thigh highs, you'll meet up with the woman of your dreams.
Sincerely,
v~