Dear Clowns

[msmaggie]

I know I was just messing with the woman I would never take a bet with

ah, you're a wise man. A smartass, but wise...

 

[IhateClowns]

ah, you're a wise man. A smartass, but wise...

No idea what you are talking about

 

[SJZ76]

No idea what you are talking about

Hey! That's MY line.....

 

[IhateClowns]

Hey! That's MY line.....

Hence the sarcasm pretty lady

 

[IhateClowns]

Just wanted to state publicly thank you to all those who have posed questions. Also thanks to each of you who have PM'ed me saying you like the silliness this thread provides.

Yes they are all made up on the spot. It comes from many years of my uncles beer breath breathing down the back of my neck, sending chills down my spine as I was trying to go to sleep

 

[Millianthe]

Clowns... you freaking rock!!!

And thank you SO much for the explanation... and you know, you're right... it shouldn't be about me

So bless all the mothers who have cut me off and the one who t-boned my car at 45mph Next time I'll be sure to talk all of you down off that bridge...

Hugs and love to all

 

[IhateClowns]

Clowns... you freaking rock!!!

And thank you SO much for the explanation... and you know, you're right... it shouldn't be about me

So bless all the mothers who have cut me off and the one who t-boned my car at 45mph Next time I'll be sure to talk all of you down off that bridge...

Hugs and love to all

That is very sweet of you to admit your mistake and send out a sorry to all the Moms who have had too many kids to handle....good for you

 

[BradBigBrain]

I'm shocked to read what you did to Mildred. Big headlines in the local newspaper -

Man, 24, charged with imprisoning his 66-year-old girlfriend

An arrest report states that he and his girlfriend got into an argument. The report says she tried to leave the room, and he closed the door on her hand, shoved her down onto the couch, twisted her nose, hit her on the head with couch pillows and forced her to kiss a picture of her dead husband.

You tweaked her nose? How could you?

What Clowns Did

 

[IhateClowns]

I'm shocked to read what you did to Mildred. Big headlines in the local newspaper -

Man, 24, charged with imprisoning his 66-year-old girlfriend



You tweaked her nose? How could you?

What Clowns Did

Ok that is one of the funniest things ever. Thank you for the laugh after a very very long day. I will have to think of an appropriate response when I get a second wind. He does have my eyebrows though

 

[lolaluscious]

Dear Clowns,

What do men prefer?

A woman with conversation? Or a woman who 'gives'?

How much is too much?

Yours,

Trying to get a bit in the real world

 

[kendra1980]

Dear Clowns,

Is it true that you cannot rape the willing?

 

[availableslave2u]

dear clowns,
i have found that if i put a vibrator on my clit, it stops my leg from hurting so bad. my problem is that i don't know how to tell the neurologist about this discovery. any suggestions?
happy clitty and leg

 

[availableslave2u]

dear clowns,
did you ever notice that some words just aren't used enough? you know, like splendid. how are you? i'm fine. i'm good. i'm ok. never i'm splendid.

or bosom. why doesn't anyone say bosom anymore? it's boobs, tits, jugs, knockers. never bosom.

signed,
she with the splendid bosom

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

What do men prefer?

A woman with conversation? Or a woman who 'gives'?

How much is too much?

Yours,

Trying to get a bit in the real world

Dear trying to hard,

Let us be very clear on what men want. Men don't want a woman to tell us all about her day. How her bra is killing her and how the bottom of her panties smell like a penny because Aunt Flow decided to cause a high tide. Howveer we do want you to speak some. You know like "What would you like for dinner?" "I picked up your dry cleaning for you!" Things like that.

Now it isn't that we don't LIKE a woman who gives, it is more then that. It alsmost like the air we breath. It is essential for a woman to give to her man. Might I suggest learning to talk with your mouth full? It would allow us to listen to you babble as we stuff your mouth full of cock. That way when we finally cum you will already know what we want for dinner.

Seems like a win win situation for men in general.

Now how much is too much? Depends on what is on TV to be honest. If his favorite show is on then you saying "hon" is way too many words. If something on Bravo is on, then speak away, just realize he might not be paying attention to you.

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

Is it true that you cannot rape the willing?

No you cannot rape the willing. I have tried it. Doesn't work and the cost of rope, duct tape and other expenses just isn't worth it. Rape is serious. Unless you are raping a clown, then it is just funny.

 

[IhateClowns]

dear clowns,
i have found that if i put a vibrator on my clit, it stops my leg from hurting so bad. my problem is that i don't know how to tell the neurologist about this discovery. any suggestions?
happy clitty and leg

Dear discoverer,

I think you have to be careful with that vibrator or she is going to get the case of the Michael J Foxs with all that shaking going on down there.

Of course rubbing your clit is going to cause your leg to feel better. I jerked off with kidney stones once and for 3 seconds ater I came I thought to myself "What kidney stone????" then I screamed when the pain came back.

I suggest you just get one of those remote control vibrators. Slide it down into your panties and just leave it on all the time. I bet you could hop, skip and jump your way through the cereal aisle at the grocery store if your pocket friend is on turbo. JUst see you know holding a box of Fruit Loops shaking like a leaf as you start dribbling down your hot pants due to another turbo charged gusher.

I say do the same thing to your Dr. Maybe you have found a cure for an ailment where there isn't one. A clit diddle can cure alot of emotional ailments and maybe you have dicovered it can cure some physical ones as well. Might even win a pulitzer prize for this dicovery.

I can just see commercials now congratulating Slavey for her wonderful scientific discovery as it shows women in droves lining up in front of Slavey's Erotic Emporium trying to get a hand on her magicical wand.

Let the neurologist see what you have discovered and ask them if there are any patents on this type of device for medical use.

 

[IhateClowns]

dear clowns,
did you ever notice that some words just aren't used enough? you know, like splendid. how are you? i'm fine. i'm good. i'm ok. never i'm splendid.

or bosom. why doesn't anyone say bosom anymore? it's boobs, tits, jugs, knockers. never bosom.

signed,
she with the splendid bosom

Dear splendid,

For me it is due to typing issues. I would rather say tit or boob, as opposed to trying to type out bosom. The letter keep going from one side of the keyboard to the other. It is just easier for me.

The other reason is because todays youth are dolts. They are not the smartest of folks and well if it doesn't have to do with IPOD, WII, Blue-ray or something like that well then there is no reason to type it out. All of these acronyms are ruining our conversation skills.

Do people really LMAO? I mean do they have to pick it up and re-attach it? Or rolling on the floor laughing my ass off? Is the floor causing the ass to come off or the laughing? IS it a combo? Why can't someone just say that was funny I laughed at it. Seems simpler to me. I can say bosom, but I think of Tom Hanks everytime I do and that is creepy.

I could say splendid, but that makes me think of artificial sweetner. I think I will just stick with breast or tit. Mmmm baby yes I am biting your bosom, just doesn't sound right. Neither does I am going to cum, oh yes, how splendid.
I think if a woman talked to me like that I would shrivel up.

 

[WebTraveller]

Dear Clowns,

I have this odd fear of clowns (seriously). They really disturb me in many ways, though oddly one of my favorite rock bands has a clown as their "mascot". (Dangerous Toys) I have had it since as far back as I can remember. Any thoughts on why this may be or how I overcome it?

The Web Traveller

 

[LusterMunky]

Hey there.

I have a question. My girlfriend cums so quick when I do my ‘Barry White’ on the phone that it’s like brutal. You know what I mean, bro? Man, I’m just wondering if it’s really me that trips her pussy trigger or if she’s just teleboning me as part of her Barry Fantasy. Could you phone fuck her tenor-style and clock how long it takes her to moan? This would be useful information.

Thank you for your attention to this matter.

~ Munky

 

[Raindear816]

*lemonade spew*

Bwahahahaha...teleboning? *insert ROTFLMAO smiley here*

 

[msmaggie]

Dear Clowns.
Let me preface my question with this story:
On March 19th of this very year, an elderly couple was taken to the hospital because they got stuck to each other during intercourse. According to a report from Life.ru, an online news and video agency, Valentina Sokolov (age 51) and her husband Ivan (age 56) decided to spice up their love life by experimenting with different positions listed in the Kama Sutra book. They choose a complicated position called, Indrani. Everything was fine until Mrs. Sokolov reached climax which started a massive muscle spasm that trapped her husband inside her. The couple tried to separate for two hours without success and then called the ambulance. The couple finally got separated after they got to the hospital; Ivan immediately ran out of the hospital in embarrassment.

This brings me to my question, should a couple try new things to spice things up or stick to traditional positions?

signed

tempted but nervous

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

I have this odd fear of clowns (seriously). They really disturb me in many ways, though oddly one of my favorite rock bands has a clown as their "mascot". (Dangerous Toys) I have had it since as far back as I can remember. Any thoughts on why this may be or how I overcome it?

The Web Traveller

I have talked about this in some form or fashion but never been asked to directly tackle the phobia of clowns. If I knew what the answer was I would have done it to myself years ago. I am not sure what your dislike of them stems from. Mine is because everytime I see that big plastic Ronald McDonald, sitting with his leg cross on the end of the bench, in the kids playground, I think over and over he has to be a kid toucher to have that huge pedophile smile of his. Always beckoning over for some random kid to climb in his lap making you sing:

"I know my name, my address and home so if I get lost I can all my home...." Fuck that, that is so he can find where you live, climb up in your homemade tree fort, peer through your superman curtains and watch you change out of your Fruit of the Looms, while rubbing his McCock.

SO I honestly don't know how to get over this therapy without the help of Maury Povich. He seems to be the pre-eminate genius when it comes to beating your phobias. That one woman who was afraid of feathers, he just walked up to her and dumped them on her head. Sure she freaked out, shit herself, and weeped like a baby being weened, but within the hour his show was on she was basically fucking herself with feathers she loved them so much. So my suggestion is to get with Connie Chung, because we all know the best way to get to a man is to fuck his woman first.

Finally about your band. I say ditch them. Try a more wholesome band such as Hanson. They are sweet. They rock. You remember that diddy of their "Mmmmmm Bop" fuck that was a hot track. I think I took years off my life when I went to their concert and jumped in that frenzied mosh pit. Sure it was mostly 12 year old girls and I being a 6'5 male stood out quite a bit, but still it was awesome.

Now I cannot say for sure when the girls started crying. Was it after I shoved them against the stage, bounced up and down on them or when the cute drummer with the long locks saw me and winked. Either way it was very emotional for all of us.

Good luck with your conquest and let me know how it goes please.

Oh and welcome to the thread.

 

[IhateClowns]

Hey there.

I have a question. My girlfriend cums so quick when I do my ‘Barry White’ on the phone that it’s like brutal. You know what I mean, bro? Man, I’m just wondering if it’s really me that trips her pussy trigger or if she’s just teleboning me as part of her Barry Fantasy. Could you phone fuck her tenor-style and clock how long it takes her to moan? This would be useful information.

Thank you for your attention to this matter.

~ Munky

Well seeing that I was a phone sex operator in colege for a few months I think you have come to the right man. Whether you need me to be an Indian, dot or casino, an African American, or whatever I am a chameleon on the phone.

You ant Barry White? I can give her Barry White. I will channel my Chef from South Park and have her squirting candle wax in no time.

Now when you say phone fuck her do you mean by voice or literally going to the 816 district and shoving my snoopy phone up her vagina? You know some people are into some kinky shit, so i just want to make sure. You do realize if that is the case you will have to purchase my plane ticket. Oh and lots of lube. A surgical mask, and a body pillow. Not for me, but her.

Let me know please. I can leave in 2 hours. Lemme find my phone.

 

[IhateClowns]

*lemonade spew*

Bwahahahaha...teleboning? *insert ROTFLMAO smiley here*

Insert smiley face? I said snoopy phone....get ready

 

[SJZ76]

Well seeing that I was a phone sex operator in colege for a few months I think you have come to the right man. Whether you need me to be an Indian, dot or casino, an African American, or whatever I am a chameleon on the phone.

You ant Barry White? I can give her Barry White. I will channel my Chef from South Park and have her squirting candle wax in no time.

Now when you say phone fuck her do you mean by voice or literally going to the 816 district and shoving my snoopy phone up her vagina? You know some people are into some kinky shit, so i just want to make sure. You do realize if that is the case you will have to purchase my plane ticket. Oh and lots of lube. A surgical mask, and a body pillow. Not for me, but her.

Let me know please. I can leave in 2 hours. Lemme find my phone.

I can vouch for his career as a phone sex operator.... I was his most loyal client. Over $300 in one night..... Oh, that snoopy phone!