Dear Clowns

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns.
Let me preface my question with this story:
On March 19th of this very year, an elderly couple was taken to the hospital because they got stuck to each other during intercourse. According to a report from Life.ru, an online news and video agency, Valentina Sokolov (age 51) and her husband Ivan (age 56) decided to spice up their love life by experimenting with different positions listed in the Kama Sutra book. They choose a complicated position called, Indrani. Everything was fine until Mrs. Sokolov reached climax which started a massive muscle spasm that trapped her husband inside her. The couple tried to separate for two hours without success and then called the ambulance. The couple finally got separated after they got to the hospital; Ivan immediately ran out of the hospital in embarrassment.

This brings me to my question, should a couple try new things to spice things up or stick to traditional positions?

signed

tempted but nervous

that is quite a story. God bless them for trying something different. I just dont think he should have ran out of the hospital like that. You know what a guy would give to have a woman be able to lock his cock inside her and especially at theat age. he is lucky he doesnt have to fuck her sideways to feel anything. That fact that grandma said you ain't cumming till I cum and did a vice grip on his feeble penis is amazing in itself. He should have been proud and asking the nurse to make sure she gets his face in the picture.

Yes I say spice it up. If her vagina is starting to look like a catchers mitt, my suggestion is to just stick it up her ass. By her age everything has loosened up a bit and she may not know the difference. Instead of pulling her depends all the way off of her I would suggest you just pull them down to her ankles in case she loses her bowel control and shits everywhere. At least you will catch some of it.

Also I am sure a "gum" job would feel amazing. No worries of ever having to get that accidental scrape along your cockhead anymore. That in itself is worth knocking her teeth out early if she gets out of line.

I am just kidding (not really)

 

[msmaggie]

that is quite a story. God bless them for trying something different. I just dont think he should have ran out of the hospital like that. You know what a guy would give to have a woman be able to lock his cock inside her and especially at theat age. he is lucky he doesnt have to fuck her sideways to feel anything. That fact that grandma said you ain't cumming till I cum and did a vice grip on his feeble penis is amazing in itself. He should have been proud and asking the nurse to make sure she gets his face in the picture.

Yes I say spice it up. If her vagina is starting to look like a catchers mitt, my suggestion is to just stick it up her ass. By her age everything has loosened up a bit and she may not know the difference. Instead of pulling her depends all the way off of her I would suggest you just pull them down to her ankles in case she loses her bowel control and shits everywhere. At least you will catch some of it.

Also I am sure a "gum" job would feel amazing. No worries of ever having to get that accidental scrape along your cockhead anymore. That in itself is worth knocking her teeth out early if she gets out of line.

I am just kidding (not really)

Thank you for your response. After re-reading the original article, I realize I'm offended by the fact that the couple were referred to as elderly. She's about my age and I don't consider myself elderly, grandma or not.

 

[availableslave2u]

Thank you for your response. After re-reading the original article, I realize I'm offended by the fact that the couple were referred to as elderly. She's about my age and I don't consider myself elderly, grandma or not.

pipe down and take your geritol nana

 

[msmaggie]

pipe down and take your geritol nana

:caning:

 

[reachedme]

dear clowns
is it true you are safe from cannibals because you taste funny?

 

[LusterMunky]

and have her squirting candle wax in no time.

I come to you seeking wisdom and solace, but end up a broken Munky, a mere shadow of my former primate self. Thanks a bunch. I'm supposed to be able to make her squirt candle wax??? They told me nothing of this in Sex Ed, and I would have remembered because I was the oldest in the class, having been held back several years. Nine, to be precise. Those other guys in class didn't even know how to jack off yet, which begs the question of why they needed to be Ed Sexed in the first place. The teach wouldn't even utter the word 'masturbation', despite the fact that she had leapfrogged the toy phase and just crammed the batteries directly into her pussy. At least that's what the PE teacher told me as he was fondling my balls. (Remind me to sue. Rain's 1-900 number has flattened my wallet) But I am wandering here, and I want to get back to the candle wax thingy. I really need to know how to do this.

 

[Raindear816]

Insert smiley face? I said snoopy phone....get ready

Snoopy phone (is that with or without the dog house?)

 

[IhateClowns]

dear clowns
is it true you are safe from cannibals because you taste funny?

It depends really. I mean if you just stepped out of the shower, used a luffa and soaped up with some mango body wash, cannibals are going to eat you up no matter how funny you taste.

Spray some Axe body spray afterwards and well you are just fucked, might as well dips your toes in butter and make yourself ready for some nibbling, because it will happen.

Now if you are like myself and don't bathe unless you walk by someone and they make a face at you, then you might be safe. When i touch my balls and smell my fingers and my eyes start watering then I knwo I have nothing to worry about. There is something about oniony balls that cannibals find repulsive. I try to keep my balls and taint as oniony as possible to avoid those type of situations.

I suggest you do whatever it takes to make your genetalia smell as bad as possible. Having that type of stank on you works just like garlic for vampires. If you start getting that cheesy texture down there that is even better.

Good luck

 

[IhateClowns]

I come to you seeking wisdom and solace, but end up a broken Munky, a mere shadow of my former primate self. Thanks a bunch. I'm supposed to be able to make her squirt candle wax??? They told me nothing of this in Sex Ed, and I would have remembered because I was the oldest in the class, having been held back several years. Nine, to be precise. Those other guys in class didn't even know how to jack off yet, which begs the question of why they needed to be Ed Sexed in the first place. The teach wouldn't even utter the word 'masturbation', despite the fact that she had leapfrogged the toy phase and just crammed the batteries directly into her pussy. At least that's what the PE teacher told me as he was fondling my balls. (Remind me to sue. Rain's 1-900 number has flattened my wallet) But I am wandering here, and I want to get back to the candle wax thingy. I really need to know how to do this.

Yes if you can make a woman squirt candle wax you can cheat on her right in front of her eyes and she still will continu to come back to you. Not many can do it but with the right pressure you can make her the spokens person for Yankee Candle no probelm.

Yeah this process was not taught in sex ed. I have a health degree and did my student teaching. I was going to be a coach and health teacher, but then my frinds convinced me that they didn't want to see my on Barbara Walters saying "I never touched her I swear, she just came over for tutoring. I always keep condoms and Zima in the front seat of my Buick Caprice."

I was taught my a migrant worker that I picked up in front of Home Depot when I needed to get my roof fixed. Even though her hands were rough and her nails were chipped she was the best sex I ever had. She taught me the correct pressure points to make her squirt candle wax everywhere. Not sure why the candle smelled of bean dip, but I got over it quickly.

If you need someone to teach you, I might suggest you run by your local home depot about 6am. Make sure you drive a truck so they can just hop in the bed of it, you dont want them touching any interior. Ask for Juanita. Tell her Clowns sent you. She can hook you up.

 

[IhateClowns]

Snoopy phone (is that with or without the dog house?)

With the dog house. Woodstck acts as an anal plug

 

[IhateClowns]

It is a double edge sword really, you are glad you have solved and answered everyone's questions, but you still have that longing to help someone in need. I just sent a cup of coffee to Africa so that makes me feel a bit better.

 

[ivantheterrible]

dear i hate face painted people,

if i clone myself, and then get tired of myself and decide to kill it, is it murder?

and no i am not smoking pot, i can't do that until oct. 6th..

 

[85Ironman]

Dear Clowns -

Now that Reggie Bush has abdicated his Heisman award, should it go to your fellow Alum Vince Young for the 2005 year or should we simply have a Year Without a Heisman?

Sincerely,
Uncertain of the Protocol for Forfeiting...

 

[IhateClowns]

dear i hate face painted people,

if i clone myself, and then get tired of myself and decide to kill it, is it murder?

and no i am not smoking pot, i can't do that until oct. 6th..

First question in a while. No it isn't murder. Have you watched Multiplicity? How he never had enough time for that over rated Andie McDowell so he duplicated himself over and over. The first few were great but then he had that special needs one that wore the helmet all the time. Well if I were him I would have killed that one the first time he tried to eat the wodden cake batter spoon. Just a bullet between the eyes.

No one wants a duplicate of themselves to be a prick or one you have to babsit, so I don't see it as murder more as a way to ween the stupid people out.

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns -

Now that Reggie Bush has abdicated his Heisman award, should it go to your fellow Alum Vince Young for the 2005 year or should we simply have a Year Without a Heisman?

Sincerely,
Uncertain of the Protocol for Forfeiting...

Dear Uncertain,

Noooo no one should get it. I honestly think Reggie should be able to keep his. That money had nothing to do with his actual performance on the field. Maybe in a way that he didn't have any financial worries to think about when he played but that is all.

As for VY, he proved who the best player in college football was that year in the Rose Bowl and especially on that final drive. I have heard him say he would accept it but he doesn't need to he proved everything he needed to that game.

 

[Rosemaryythyme]

Dear Clowns,

We're facing off this week in Fantasy Football. Do you have any advice on beating you???


Numero Uno-

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

We're facing off this week in Fantasy Football. Do you have any advice on beating you???


Numero Uno-

Yes lots of coffee and redbull.....oh shit I am fucked

 

[Rosemaryythyme]

Yes lots of coffee and redbull.....oh shit I am fucked

ohh goody this week will be fun!

I promise to still luv u at the end of this ....

just ur ass might be sore!

Tell Mildred you need some butt cream..

 

[LusterMunky]

Dear Clowns,

Why is Oktoberfest in September? This is fucking up my schedule. Next thing, Halloween will be in September, too. And they’ll move Thanksgiving to October, where the Oktoberfest should be, and they’ll serve big delicious jugs with plenty of head instead of dead turkeys.

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

Why is Oktoberfest in September? This is fucking up my schedule. Next thing, Halloween will be in September, too. And they’ll move Thanksgiving to October, where the Oktoberfest should be, and they’ll serve big delicious jugs with plenty of head instead of dead turkeys.

Dear Calendar Challenged,

Don't you have a year long birthday celebration thread on this site? Do you really need a particular month to ingest beer and snack on spagheti ice and bratwurst? I would celebrate Oktober fest year round if I could. As a matter of fact I am going out buying a year supply of becks, brats and tums.

Now I think you are just being silly saying they will move Thanksgiving to September. We both know that will never happen so quit being so dramatic. The next thing you will be saying that department stores will be setting up Christmas displays in July. Come on now.

We have the state fair going on right now and the entire city shuts down because people would rather spend $8 on a corn dog and cotton candy as opposed to paying their bills or buying groceries. Nothing like spending your savings on a bunch of carnies. The man working the tilt-o-whirl was a regular visitor with Chris Hanson and no he is operating heavy machinery for kids.

The best thing abut the state fair is that it is a mullet, muumuu magnet. My wife and I try to get out pictures taken with as many people that have mullets or wearing mumus as possible. They of course don't know they are in the picture, we just stand in front of them with an absurd look on our face as they are behind us with funnel cake powder covering their grills.

Ah gotta love the fair

 

[LusterMunky]

The best thing abut the state fair is that it is a mullet, muumuu magnet. My wife and I try to get out pictures taken with as many people that have mullets or wearing mumus as possible.

Mullets or moo moos? You must live in one of them elite sophisticated environments where everyone drives Vulvas and recycles their frog water bottles. In my neck of the jungle it's mullets and moo moos. In fact, my sixth wife (first cousin) was quite fond of that look, even got her pic in the Guns and Jugs magazine, August 2006, page 82. It's right above the personal ad by the goober who said he wanted a girl in a moo moo with mullet hair and knew how to milk a goat . They hooked up and are now doing crankcase oil sex on the internets. Kismet, I say, as I was growing weary of her incessant demands for the "other white meat", possum.

Things always work out for the best.

 

[IhateClowns]

Mullets or moo moos? You must live in one of them elite sophisticated environments where everyone drives Vulvas and recycles their frog water bottles. In my neck of the jungle it's mullets and moo moos. In fact, my sixth wife (first cousin) was quite fond of that look, even got her pic in the Guns and Jugs magazine, August 2006, page 82. It's right above the personal ad by the goober who said he wanted a girl in a moo moo with mullet hair and knew how to milk a goat . They hooked up and are now doing crankcase oil sex on the internets. Kismet, I say, as I was growing weary of her incessant demands for the "other white meat", possum.

Things always work out for the best.

Yeah mine is either or but never together. It is the only way to distinguish some of the men from the women around here. Unfortunately women around here think that a pencil mustache is not visible to the naked eye. They also feel like when they raise their hands to the Lord, he doesn't mind that they have super glued their pet racoon to their pits. Davey Crocket would be so proud to know his hats double as women's armpits in the state of Oklahoma.

 

[julybaby04]

Dear Mr. Clown Hater....

Just curious on protocol...... Now that I am searching for a date, hoping it is before I am too old to care (should be in about 5 months...)....is it appropriate to go ahead and offer up cold hard cash for someone to spend 2 hours with me on a Saturday night? This of course, would be on top of the money I spent for dinner, gas for his car, new wardrobe for him, and any other expenses that might be incurred.?

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Mr. Clown Hater....

Just curious on protocol...... Now that I am searching for a date, hoping it is before I am too old to care (should be in about 5 months...)....is it appropriate to go ahead and offer up cold hard cash for someone to spend 2 hours with me on a Saturday night? This of course, would be on top of the money I spent for dinner, gas for his car, new wardrobe for him, and any other expenses that might be incurred.?

Dear Searching in Saskatoon,

First off I am not sure where Saskatoon is and since I cannot spell Sascatchewon correctly I went with the latter choice. As for your dilemma, I suggest you first stop searching for a date. Dating sucks. No one likes to date. There is all the pressure of saying the right things. Wearing the right clothes, praying your breath doesn't smell of garlic and questioning why you ordered that chicken ceasar salad when you really wanted a steak. No thank you.

Dating is such a miserable experience, why not skip it and just have web sessions with the partner of your choice? So much easier, the dating pool is very thick (albeit it is filled with cum, but I digress) and no matter what kind of mood you are in there is always someone willing to chat you up. Let's say you want to just chat with someone about anything and everything. I promise you that you start a thread asking if anyone wants to chat and you will have more guys with their dicks hanging out of their jeans then you can imagine. Who wouldn't want to delve into that fantasy????

Just because you want to talk about non sexual things will not stop a guy from stroking his cock to you. Please understand that there is always a ying to the yang. Just because you want to have normal talk will no stop a guy from pulling his pud to your AV or heaven pray your webcam. If you turn your webcam on and let the guy you are talking to see you please realize he has mastered one handed typing and orgasming without extorting his face.l So I you chat for 3 hours he has had 7 orgasms without you ever even knowing. It is an art form and the internet guy has mastered it brilliantly.

Now if a guy hits the jackpot and you want to cam sexually with him, please realize there is a ying to that yang as well. After the time if finished, understand that he will hound you incessantly. He will message you, IM you, PM you, and try every form of communication to get in touch with you in hopes you are going to get down and dirty for him on cam again. Even if you explain you are not wanting to talk sex that night, please realize he will joke around OVER AND OVER about saying how he loved seeing you the other night and that he understands you dont want to but fuck it was hot and all of that. He will do this about 250 times in the 20 minutes that you guys talk that night, brushing it aside as a joke everytime you protest to it.

It is funny because guys wonder why women don't want to chat with them. Why they are alone on a friday and saturday night with their penis in their hands questioning exactly why Justin Bieber is hosting SNL. I suppose it is like in real life asking 100 women if they wanna fuck you. You might get slapped 99 times, but that 1 woman says yes and it was all well worth it.

After reading this you might want to just stick with real life dating after all. Problem is that like you said up top you have to deal with real life guys. Guys that look you up and down, say all the right things in hopes of the exact same thing the guys on the internet are doing, seeing you naked and touching yourself.

Is that what you want? I highly doubt it. That is why my final suggestion is to jst go lesbian. It is easier. You all like the same things, watch the same crap and when you are all getting together to try on clothes you see each other naked anyway. So you might as well go that route in my opinion because guys are just dogs and well two women together is pretty fucking hot.

Good Luck

 

[julybaby04]

Dear Searching in Saskatoon,

First off I am not sure where Saskatoon is and since I cannot spell Sascatchewon correctly I went with the latter choice. As for your dilemma, I suggest you first stop searching for a date. Dating sucks. No one likes to date. There is all the pressure of saying the right things. Wearing the right clothes, praying your breath doesn't smell of garlic and questioning why you ordered that chicken ceasar salad when you really wanted a steak. No thank you.

Dating is such a miserable experience, why not skip it and just have web sessions with the partner of your choice? So much easier, the dating pool is very thick (albeit it is filled with cum, but I digress) and no matter what kind of mood you are in there is always someone willing to chat you up. Let's say you want to just chat with someone about anything and everything. I promise you that you start a thread asking if anyone wants to chat and you will have more guys with their dicks hanging out of their jeans then you can imagine. Who wouldn't want to delve into that fantasy????

Just because you want to talk about non sexual things will not stop a guy from stroking his cock to you. Please understand that there is always a ying to the yang. Just because you want to have normal talk will no stop a guy from pulling his pud to your AV or heaven pray your webcam. If you turn your webcam on and let the guy you are talking to see you please realize he has mastered one handed typing and orgasming without extorting his face.l So I you chat for 3 hours he has had 7 orgasms without you ever even knowing. It is an art form and the internet guy has mastered it brilliantly.

Now if a guy hits the jackpot and you want to cam sexually with him, please realize there is a ying to that yang as well. After the time if finished, understand that he will hound you incessantly. He will message you, IM you, PM you, and try every form of communication to get in touch with you in hopes you are going to get down and dirty for him on cam again. Even if you explain you are not wanting to talk sex that night, please realize he will joke around OVER AND OVER about saying how he loved seeing you the other night and that he understands you dont want to but fuck it was hot and all of that. He will do this about 250 times in the 20 minutes that you guys talk that night, brushing it aside as a joke everytime you protest to it.

It is funny because guys wonder why women don't want to chat with them. Why they are alone on a friday and saturday night with their penis in their hands questioning exactly why Justin Bieber is hosting SNL. I suppose it is like in real life asking 100 women if they wanna fuck you. You might get slapped 99 times, but that 1 woman says yes and it was all well worth it.

After reading this you might want to just stick with real life dating after all. Problem is that like you said up top you have to deal with real life guys. Guys that look you up and down, say all the right things in hopes of the exact same thing the guys on the internet are doing, seeing you naked and touching yourself.

Is that what you want? I highly doubt it. That is why my final suggestion is to jst go lesbian. It is easier. You all like the same things, watch the same crap and when you are all getting together to try on clothes you see each other naked anyway. So you might as well go that route in my opinion because guys are just dogs and well two women together is pretty fucking hot.

Good Luck

Thank you Mr. Clown Hater for the incredibly complete rundown on every possible scenario......

I think the best possible answer for me is to punt all of that and just date myself!!!