Dear Clowns

[LusterMunky]

And naked, with chocolate.


I think we're getting completely off topic here

There is no such thing as 'off topic' when asking advice of Clowns. Dear Clowns is here to provide wisdom, and also to dribble warm chocolate over your perky breasts, which would be therapeutic to both of us.

 

[goodgurlgetsbad]

goof

 

[goodgurlgetsbad]

I wanna ROFLMAO here- can I ?

 

[goodgurlgetsbad]

jumping up and down here like its a trampoline

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

 

[LusterMunky]

I know my advice here has been light-hearted. Frivolous, even. But I feel compelled today to touch on subject that is serious. I have testicular droop. I stand 6' 4" and you couldn't slide a Hershey Bar under my balls.

Does this make me less appealing?

 

[goodgurlgetsbad]

I know my advice here has been light-hearted. Frivolous, even. But I feel compelled today to touch on subject that is serious. I have testicular droop. I stand 6' 4" and you couldn't slide a Hershey Bar under my balls.

Does this make me less appealing?

nah your still a hottie Clowns

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns

I'm thinking of not seeing a guy anymore, not for sexual purposes, not for anything, but I'm wondering if It would be too bitchy of me to cut him off after my birthday. I like presents. I like balloons too.

Dear Sadie,

What my doppleganger said except let's be honest. What guy atually gives good presents or are you just looking for some to return so you get exactly what you want? Nothing better then returning terrible gifts and getting the gift that you hinted at for 6 months. I say stretch it out till Valentins day that way you are guaranteed a box of chocolates that you will inevitably squeeze and half bite till you eat the only 3 that actually taste good to you and tossing the rest.

Good Luck

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Doppleganger,

Where have you been all my life? Here I have been busting my ass to make sure my wife is provided for and I could have been doing only half the responsibilities had I known you existed. Now please realize that the wifely duties would be mine and mine alone, but working around the house, lawn care, stuff like that I would have been more then happy to share. Starting today (let's say around kick-off I need you here completeing this task list that has been created for my "enjoyment" starting with washing my truck. Thanks again doppleganger I am going to call you IHC2. Pretty original huh?

 

[lolaluscious]

So just checking it is just the doppleganger with testicular droop right?

It's just so the records are in order, you know. I'm an orderly kinda gal.

 

[IhateClowns]

So just checking it is just the doppleganger with testicular droop right?

It's just so the records are in order, you know. I'm an orderly kinda gal.

Yes apparently so. The scientists are trying their best to clone me perfectly but are having an issue with my genetalia. Testicular droom and an extra large taint area. Hence him not being with my wife or she would know immediately...

 

[Rikki_13]

Hey Clowns,

So I have the cosmo question of the month for you...

My boyfriend thinks that a woman having an orgasm every time is just a myth and feels that after he gets to have his orgasm then his "work" is pretty much done. Other than this I like everything else about him and would like to keep him around. How can I get him to realize that I can cum frequently if he would put forth a little more work?

Waiting to explode for him,

ready to burst

 

[LusterMunky]

Dear Doppleganger,

Where have you been all my life? Here I have been busting my ass to make sure my wife is provided for and I could have been doing only half the responsibilities had I known you existed. Now please realize that the wifely duties would be mine and mine alone, but working around the house, lawn care, stuff like that I would have been more then happy to share. Starting today (let's say around kick-off I need you here completeing this task list that has been created for my "enjoyment" starting with washing my truck. Thanks again doppleganger I am going to call you IHC2. Pretty original huh?

Dear IHC1,

I was going to wash your truck. Really. But while you sprawled on the couch scratching your nut sack, scarfing Funyons, belching Schlitz, and watching the teevee where guys in helmets were patting each other on the butt, I got distracted dopplebanging Mrs. IHC. Lovely lady, btw, and I found myself alarmingly aroused when she squealed “Two deep, Two hard!”

But I fear my baby might get wind of this, go all blonde on me, Rain on our parade, and quit sending pictures of her nekkid body. So, good luck with the game, your nut sack, and that rash Mrs. IHC thinks has suddenly disappeared. I have a birthday party to go to.

~ IHC2

 

[lolaluscious]

Dear Clowns,

I hope you can help me with a question I've had for a while now.

Why is it that when a man stacks a dishwasher, he consistently fits in 1/3 to 1/2 less dishes than if a woman stacked it?

I have observed this phenomena both at home and at work. I have refrained from asking the men directly, as I want to encourage cleaning behaviour and I have noticed in the past that they often take a question from a woman as a 'veiled criticism'.

Any tips on how I can encourage more efficient stacking would be appreciated.

Yours,

Dishwasher Sheriff

 

[availableslave2u]

dear mr strong dislike towards clowns,
there is a question that keeps me up at night. a question that i ponder over and over. it sneaks into my brain at the most inopportune moments. if there is anyone that can help me with it, i feel it is you, oh wise one. can you tell me which came first, the chicken or the egg?
eternally grateful for your deep well of knowledge,
pondering poultry

 

[Honey123]

Dear H8tr

Went to the doctor yesterday and he had to touch me in the most naughtiest of areas...

What do you think about that?

 

[border_humper]

Dear IHC,

I feel a bit trapped by my life's circumstances. I've heard that trapped animals will sometimes chew off their leg to escape from traps. If it could help me, which leg should I chew off?

Yours sincerely,

Ready to Gnaw

 

[IhateClowns]

Hey Clowns,

So I have the cosmo question of the month for you...

My boyfriend thinks that a woman having an orgasm every time is just a myth and feels that after he gets to have his orgasm then his "work" is pretty much done. Other than this I like everything else about him and would like to keep him around. How can I get him to realize that I can cum frequently if he would put forth a little more work?

Waiting to explode for him,

ready to burst

Dear ready to burst,

I am trying desperately to understand what the problem here is. What you are saying is that he does get to cum right? So where is the problem? A woman having an orgasm everytime is kind of selfish on her part isn't it? Why on earth should the woman feel she should have a guarantee everytime she slides between the sheets or pulls my snuggie off my shoulder?

There are no guarantees in life. You say you like him for everything else. ust because he doesn't provide you the orgasm that you feel entitled to doesn't make him a bad guy. Listen he took care of his needs he shouldn't always have o take care of yours. You are a grown up. If you need a lending hand everytime you need something accomplished, like an orgasm, then you will be asking if they want to supersize their happy meal for the reast of your life. Get out there. Take the reigns a bit.

If you want an orgasm then how about getting your slutty mouth off his dick until you get yours. Unlike women most men have an orgasm and thelast thing they want to do is gather up the strength and energy to tackle your bermuda triangle. You want us to cum, you need us to cum, to feel better about yourselves, yet when we do you immediately cannot understand why we haven't shot glassed a 5 hour energy drink, crawled into some weird ass yoga position and tongued your clit.

I highly suggest that if you want to cum you damn well better do it prior to him otherwise you will be reaching into that bedside table, taking out Mr. Rabbit and thanking the duracell Gods once again. Stop thinking of him and start thinking of yourself. I guarantee you will get yours and then you can just like there and fake it as he lazily climbs up on op of you, smashes his beer gut into your tits pumps 5 times, rolls off and starts snoring.

Good luck

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

I hope you can help me with a question I've had for a while now.

Why is it that when a man stacks a dishwasher, he consistently fits in 1/3 to 1/2 less dishes than if a woman stacked it?

I have observed this phenomena both at home and at work. I have refrained from asking the men directly, as I want to encourage cleaning behaviour and I have noticed in the past that they often take a question from a woman as a 'veiled criticism'.

Any tips on how I can encourage more efficient stacking would be appreciated.

Yours,

Dishwasher Sheriff

I think I may have answered this before but the bottmline is because we don't want to do the dishes. I equate it to two things. We can answer all of the sports trivial pursuit questions no problem, but put a Jenga tower in front of us and we go nto an epileptic seizure and destroy the twoer on the first pull.

Also look at Christmas Stockings. My Mom and wife and pack a stocking to the hilt. It is like a puzzle to them. I will never figure out how they do it, because once I have finally pried open the stocking and the goodies come pouring out, it takes me an hour to stuff half of it back in there. The other half goes into a walmart plastic bag and saved for later. The plastic bag hanging on the mantle is always a festive look.

So bottomline is you go ahead and do the dishes and leave the channel changing to us....

 

[IhateClowns]

dear mr strong dislike towards clowns,
there is a question that keeps me up at night. a question that i ponder over and over. it sneaks into my brain at the most inopportune moments. if there is anyone that can help me with it, i feel it is you, oh wise one. can you tell me which came first, the chicken or the egg?
eternally grateful for your deep well of knowledge,
pondering poultry

Dear ponderer,

The egg came first. The egg always comes first. Why? Because the female carries the egg and if we were to ever tell her sher was 2nd we would never get to watch our favorite TV shows in peace and quiet, because she would be trying to justify why she was first and how sperm would just die if it had no egg to go to. Little does she know I know sperm dies because I see it on my wrist and stomach on a daily basis and I do see it swimming anywhere.

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear H8tr

Went to the doctor yesterday and he had to touch me in the most naughtiest of areas...

What do you think about that?

Dear touched,

Sorry I was day dreaming for a second there. I say lucky him and as long as you were sedated at the time then there is nothing wrong with it.

Now I need to get back to this imagining thing I am doing right now....

 

[Honey123]

Dear touched,

Sorry I was day dreaming for a second there. I say lucky him and as long as you were sedated at the time then there is nothing wrong with it.

Now I need to get back to this imagining thing I am doing right now....

Dearest H8tr..

was not sedated...

Do you think making jokes and winking at him before that made me a doc teaser?

 

[ivantheterrible]

dear clown paranoid,
is it ok to turn a 21 yr old fox into a nymphomaniac with just words?

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear IHC,

I feel a bit trapped by my life's circumstances. I've heard that trapped animals will sometimes chew off their leg to escape from traps. If it could help me, which leg should I chew off?

Yours sincerely,

Ready to Gnaw

Dear BH,

I don't think there is ANYTHING worth biting a limp off for. NOTHING> I highly suggest you get a gun and go shoot something. Preferrably the cause of those problems. I think that will help ease your mood a bit. Plus if you get caught killing someon or something.

If you must chew off an appendage I think something like a pinky or little toe would be your best bet. Not a leg. Then there is no way for you to run away and escpae your situations. You will have to hop slowly to get away from them. And let's just be hnest, if we saw some one legged fella screaming as he hopped awkwardly away from a bad situation wouldn't we just point and laugh anyway?

My suggestion is to just kill them. Easy peasy and then you don't have to worry about it anymore.

 

[IhateClowns]

Dearest H8tr..

was not sedated...

Do you think making jokes and winking at him before that made me a doc teaser?

Dear joke teller,

Was this a podiatrist that wanted to look at your feet through your pussy? If so then you might want to go back to your GP and ask for a new reference.

 

[Honey123]

Dear joke teller,

Was this a podiatrist that wanted to look at your feet through your pussy? If so then you might want to go back to your GP and ask for a new reference.

Actually it was a GI doc.