Dear Clowns

[Kuvi_Wildwolf]

Dear Clowns,

I often hear men complaining that all women love shoe shopping. Or that women own too many pairs of shoes. When I respond that I hate shoe shopping and only own two pairs they look at me like I'm a genetic mutant. The look is usually followed by "What kind of woman are you?" or "What the hell is wrong with you?"

I have small feet, to find shoes that fit me I have to go to the kids section. This leaves me two choices. I can wear girl shoes with things like Hello Kitty or Cinderella on them or I can wear boys shoes. Sadly this leaves very little room for sexy shoes.

I've looked all over for shoes in my size with a woman's flair to them to no avail. My questions are threefold. Is there something wrong with me because I don't like shoe shopping? Why do men freak out when they hear I don't like shoe shopping when they bitch about women shoe shopping all the time? Can you guide me to any places that might sell nice shoes in my size?

Anxiously Awaiting,

Shoe Shopping Challenged

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

I often hear men complaining that all women love shoe shopping. Or that women own too many pairs of shoes. When I respond that I hate shoe shopping and only own two pairs they look at me like I'm a genetic mutant. The look is usually followed by "What kind of woman are you?" or "What the hell is wrong with you?"

I have small feet, to find shoes that fit me I have to go to the kids section. This leaves me two choices. I can wear girl shoes with things like Hello Kitty or Cinderella on them or I can wear boys shoes. Sadly this leaves very little room for sexy shoes.

I've looked all over for shoes in my size with a woman's flair to them to no avail. My questions are threefold. Is there something wrong with me because I don't like shoe shopping? Why do men freak out when they hear I don't like shoe shopping when they bitch about women shoe shopping all the time? Can you guide me to any places that might sell nice shoes in my size?

Anxiously Awaiting,

Shoe Shopping Challenged

Dear shopping challenged.

You knwo what they say about women with small feet, they have tight....

Let me first start off by thanking you for such a detailed explanantion on your situation. It is very seldom I am given the background to the questions that are being asked. So it is nice to have a direction to start in. So from what I am understanding, you have rather tiny feet and all you can find are shoes with hello kitty on them. Are you part Asian by any chance? If so, then you will fit in nicely with them. If not let me move on.

Let me tackle the first question. There is nothing wrong with you for not liking shoe shopping. I don't understand the joy a woman receives from trying on shoes that have had bunion, dried, fungus, lotrimin lotioned up feet in them all day long. I just don't get it. The thought that you enjoy sliding your goot into a pair of shoes that have already been worn grosses me out. You might as well go to the communal teeth brushing station and grab a toothbrush. Just make sure you rinse and spit. So no, you shouldn't be ashamed because the term BOGO doesn't give you an instant orgasm or because you think Jimmy Choo is a gymnast for team USA. I like a girl who simplifies things. You are the type that isn't going to pour over a menu for an hour thn order something that will have to be prepared a certain way ala Meg Ryan in When Harry met Sally.

Now the second question. I am trying to figure out the men you speak of. Are you talking about oyur hair dresser? Your neighbor who is a flight attendant? I cannot imagine ANY man who likes to put his penis in a vagina complaining or looking at you funny because you don't want to subject him to 4 hours at the mall while you look for a black pair of high heels that after 5 minutes look all the same to us. Are you sure these are men and maybe not butchy women? Seriously. What guy wants to do that. Next time you are walking through the mall, look at the men's faces that are carrying bags for their wives or girlfriends. There are solemn, dejected men, who have lost a part of their soul. Not men who look at women funny for not wanting to buy new shoes.

The final question. I am afraid to ask what shoe size you wear. Also i don't think ia m th best person to ask where to go shoe shopping. I own 4 pairs of shoes and a pair of boots. 2 tennis shoes, a pair of dress black shoes, dress brown shoes and some boots. I could give a fuck about my shoes. Now I would highly suggest you see if your area has a chinese market. Then I would go there and ask around. All the women have had their feet binded. They could probably tell you exactly where to go. Hell nike has their shoes made over in that area of the world, just put in some special orders.

I know I havent helped you out too much, but do a double take for me the next time a "guy" gives you a bad look for not shoe shopping. Check for a few things. Do they have an Adam's Apple? Does it look like the front of their Levi Button Flies are eating their way through the zipper? Do they go by the name Chaz or Chris or Pat or something adrogynous like that? Do they have a deeper voice then most men you do know who hate shopping for shoes? I think you will start to realize that you may just be talking to the wrong "guys"

****By the way welcome to the thread

 

[Kuvi_Wildwolf]

I'm not Asian, and I don't care for Hello Kitty.

My feet are small enough to make some Asian's jealous. The last time I went shoe shopping (took 5 mins) with a guy, I had to kick him in the shins when he saw the size on the box.

 

[IhateClowns]

I'm not Asian, and I don't care for Hello Kitty.

My feet are small enough to make some Asian's jealous. The last time I went shoe shopping (took 5 mins) with a guy, I had to kick him in the shins when he saw the size on the box.

Did you say the size of your box? Should you have slapped him instead of kicking him? Probably would have felt it more is all I am saying.

I am intrigued by your tiny feet. Are you tiny in stature as well? Is that show Little People Big World on your DVR list? Please tell me you are not 6' tall with really tiny feet. Your profile pic and av are very lovely so I am just trying to figure it all out.

 

[Kuvi_Wildwolf]

Did you say the size of your box? Should you have slapped him instead of kicking him? Probably would have felt it more is all I am saying.

I am intrigued by your tiny feet. Are you tiny in stature as well? Is that show Little People Big World on your DVR list? Please tell me you are not 6' tall with really tiny feet. Your profile pic and av are very lovely so I am just trying to figure it all out.

The size of the shoe box. Shoe. Box.

No Little People Big World is not on my DVR list. I'm 5'0" so not a midget. Or little person, whatever they prefer to be called these days.

 

[IhateClowns]

The size of the shoe box. Shoe. Box.

No Little People Big World is not on my DVR list. I'm 5'0" so not a midget. Or little person, whatever they prefer to be called these days.

Oh shit my bad. So sorry. Why isn't it on your DVR list? It is an awesome show? There really aren't many shows of that quality on TV anymore.

I am glad we got your box situation squared away though. So it wouldn't have bothered you if h stared at your box as opposed to the shoe box then? Or is there no box staring allowed in your world? Need to know in case I run into you at the next BOGO event

 

[Kuvi_Wildwolf]

Oh shit my bad. So sorry. Why isn't it on your DVR list? It is an awesome show? There really aren't many shows of that quality on TV anymore.

I am glad we got your box situation squared away though. So it wouldn't have bothered you if h stared at your box as opposed to the shoe box then? Or is there no box staring allowed in your world? Need to know in case I run into you at the next BOGO event

I don't watch much TV. Netflix is my preference for shows, perhaps I'll see if they have any seasons available.

He could have stared at my box, he wouldn't have laughed when he saw it. If you have x-ray vision and can see my box through my clothes feel free to look. I recommend hitting up the beer BOGO events if you think you are going to see me there. You won't see me at any others.

 

[IhateClowns]

I don't watch much TV. Netflix is my preference for shows, perhaps I'll see if they have any seasons available.

He could have stared at my box, he wouldn't have laughed when he saw it. If you have x-ray vision and can see my box through my clothes feel free to look. I recommend hitting up the beer BOGO events if you think you are going to see me there. You won't see me at any others.

Fair enough I get it. You must have super hero power to get a view of your box. Understandable. As for the buy one get one free sale at the bar I will buy your first drink then

 

[Rosemaryythyme]

Dear Clowns,

I hate grocery shopping with a passion, but they don't have the grocery-delivering service like things around here.
And i can only grocery shop at Walmart, so I tend to get lost in the store, being so short and all, it makes it even worse.

Do you have any suggestions

xoxo
numero uno

 

[Kuvi_Wildwolf]

Fair enough I get it. You must have super hero power to get a view of your box. Understandable. As for the buy one get one free sale at the bar I will buy your first drink then

Awesome, you can have the free one.

 

[Sensualdreamer]

Dear Clowns:

My husband has a tendency to leave the lid up on the toilet...you know the "O" lid (dunno what else to call it) It's not fun having to visit the restroom in the middle of the night, and then b/c he's left the lid up, I end up falling into the toilet - and as a result I can't help but let out a yelp/squeal which ends up waking my husband. I've threatened to bolt the seat down but don't know if his aim is accurate...I say that he raised it, he should lower it. I'll take your thoughts on the matter though.

Best regards, Up or Down

 

[IhateClowns]

Awesome, you can have the free one.

I would rather go shoe shopping

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

I hate grocery shopping with a passion, but they don't have the grocery-delivering service like things around here.
And i can only grocery shop at Walmart, so I tend to get lost in the store, being so short and all, it makes it even worse.

Do you have any suggestions

xoxo
numero uno

Dear suggestion seeker,

You need to find a different grocery store to go into. The problem with going into Wally World is that you cannot get out of there for less then $100. No matter if you are going in there for just a grap fruit, you are walking out with that grape fruit, a package of socks, a couple of dvd's and a flat tire fixer. It really is impossible.

The other thing you could do is ask one of the helpers at the front door, you might have to yell it to them, if they have one of those motorized carts that is low in battery. If that is the case take that arund the store. Buy the things you need forst because when it runs out of batteries you are done shopping right then and there. It is almost like your own version of Shop Till You Drop.

Who cares who is in front of you. Take them out because you do not know when your cart will die. Once it does that is it. This way you get the things you need and if you go fast enough you can leave skids marks so that way you can follow your own tracks back to the front of the store.

 

[Kuvi_Wildwolf]

I would rather go shoe shopping

While you are out grab me a pair, size 4 in boys, tennis shoes please.

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns:

My husband has a tendency to leave the lid up on the toilet...you know the "O" lid (dunno what else to call it) It's not fun having to visit the restroom in the middle of the night, and then b/c he's left the lid up, I end up falling into the toilet - and as a result I can't help but let out a yelp/squeal which ends up waking my husband. I've threatened to bolt the seat down but don't know if his aim is accurate...I say that he raised it, he should lower it. I'll take your thoughts on the matter though.

Best regards, Up or Down

Dear up and down,

I highly suggest you buy some flippers or at least waders and keep them close by at night. You see trying to get a man to leave the seat down is going against every bit of masculine nature we have inside us. We are meant for two things in this world. Spreading our seat and leaving the seat up.

If it were up to us we wouldn't have a seat. Just a flushable hole with hand rails. I am positive it wasn't a guy who invented air freshner for the bathroom. We enjoy that awful smell that eminates from us. It is the female gender that decided to give us a target such as a lid to have to deal with.

I suggest you hover from now on. Isn't that what women do at festivals where there are port-a-potties? You hover there, so why not hover at home? Seems reasonable to me. My toilet looks like it is growing a goatee, if you think a lid is going to sanitize it then you are mistaken. Might as well hover, you have a better chance of not falling in or catching something that way.

 

[availableslave2u]

dear clowns,
what is your favorite elvis song?
curious about the king and the clown

 

[IhateClowns]

dear clowns,
what is your favorite elvis song?
curious about the king and the clown

Dear curious,

It is Jailhouse Rock of course. I mean to take a tragedy as going to jail and turning it into a party is just genius. I am going to not do my taxes for a few years and then when caught try and do the same thing when I am incarcerated. Amazing man that Elvis is (he isn't dead, just ask The Enquirer)

 

[kendra1980]

Dear Clowns,

My head hurts. I don't know why. No stress, no illness, no barometer issues.

Do you have any ideas on cures for headaches?

 

[DrunknBarbarian]

.........

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

My head hurts. I don't know why. No stress, no illness, no barometer issues.

Do you have any ideas on cures for headaches?

Dear hurting,

I apologize your head hurts. A bad headache will ruin a day for sure. I would suggest you get your man over there ASAP for a rub down. A drawn bubble bath, and some Motrin. If that doesn;t work I hear performing oral sex on a guy will help a woman cure a headache in no time flat. Something to do with the ingredients in pre-cum.

You are welcome Nat

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

I had a very peculiar experience the other day. It went like this. I was driving down the turnpike at about 70mph, and having a delicious conversation with my girlfriend and I suddenly had a blowout. It was kind of freaky. I finally found a place to pull over and got out of the car and was still in quite the state. I looked around and went about changing the tire and no one offered to help, no turnpike help patrol or anything. At first I thought it was how the traffic blowby had messed up my hair and my made clothing look all frumpy, but then as I got it fixed and barely made it to my meeting on time? A guy said hey I saw you on the turnpike fixing your tire, ( a guy I've known for years ) and geeze, thats too bad. Glad you made it on time. So my question is......

Should I refill the stapler for my secretary before I go running off to a meeting or just wait till I get back?

Really there is only one statement that needs to be made here. Fire your secretary. If you are having til fill the staplers yourself then she isn't doing her job. Do you do dictation as well?

 

[availableslave2u]

Dear hurting,

I apologize your head hurts. A bad headache will ruin a day for sure. I would suggest you get your man over there ASAP for a rub down. A drawn bubble bath, and some Motrin. If that doesn;t work I hear performing oral sex on a guy will help a woman cure a headache in no time flat. Something to do with the ingredients in pre-cum.

You are welcome Nat

OMFG!!! you are such a man! i remember after i had a spinal tap, i was telling my husband how bad it hurt and he suggested that if i gave him a blow job it would help.

 

[availableslave2u]

dear clowns,
i have a problem that is a little delicate. i'm embarrassed to talk about this, but you're a professional, so i'm going to put my uneasiness aside and go for it.

here it goes....

i don't think my bologna really has a first name what should i do? should i assume it's first name is oscar or should i pick my own first name for it?

nameless bologna holder

 

[IhateClowns]

OMFG!!! you are such a man! i remember after i had a spinal tap, i was telling my husband how bad it hurt and he suggested that if i gave him a blow job it would help.

Such a man??? How dare you! Oh wait...yes I am a man. Did giving your husband the blowjob help your spine heal quicker???? Sperm has some amazing healing powers apparently. I stay sick all the time, so that should tell you something about myself...

 

[IhateClowns]

dear clowns,
i have a problem that is a little delicate. i'm embarrassed to talk about this, but you're a professional, so i'm going to put my uneasiness aside and go for it.

here it goes....

i don't think my bologna really has a first name what should i do? should i assume it's first name is oscar or should i pick my own first name for it?

nameless bologna holder

Dear nameless,

I would suggest you choose your own name for the slab of meat you throw between your buns. Oscar, ralph, Clowns, or husband, it doesn't matter what you name your meat it all tastes the same. Or so I have been told.