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Dear Clowns

IhateClowns said:
. NyQuil is a God send. Fuck whether you have a cold or not, tip that bottle verticle and gulp down your misery. Sure you won't be able to operate heavy machinery (including your sex toys women) and you will be seeing cartoon characters prior to falling asleep, but once you have gone into that medically induces coma you won't have to worry about seeing the clock at 4:44am anymore. Hell you might not have to worry about seeing it at 8 or 9am either.

The only issue with swigging NyQuil besides the Christmas teeth is that you might wake up with a bit of a hazy outlook on life. Just go with it. So your mouth feels like you swallowed a sweater last night. That is just a side affect and will go away with a dozen glasses of water.
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Reminds me of the Dennis Leary routine. Love me some NyQuil (Big N, little y, Big fucking Q).
 
Rosemaryythyme said:
Dear Clowns,

I've realized that I have an addiction to Zombie video games

do you think there's a hidden meaning?!
Click to expand...

Yes there is a hidden meaning. Vampires, wearwolves, and now zombies? Do you see a correlation here? I do.

It means you were not hugged enough as a child, or it means that you were hugged by a guy in a wife beater with bad beer breath way to much. Either way you want to escape all reality. Don't get me wrong. I enjoy True Blood just as much as the next person, but throw in zombies and Twilight and Harry Potter and all this othetr stuff and no wonder people today don't wave to one another anymore.
 
I recently had a plethora of vexing questions and did not want to clutter up this thread, so I posed them to Clowns via PM. All were answered in a timely and thoughtful manner. (In particular, one where he proposed a solution involving two rutabagas and a nine iron.)

While his insightful advice was private, I wish to express my gratitude in public.
 
IhateClowns said:
Yes there is a hidden meaning. Vampires, wearwolves, and now zombies? Do you see a correlation here? I do.

It means you were not hugged enough as a child, or it means that you were hugged by a guy in a wife beater with bad beer breath way to much. Either way you want to escape all reality. Don't get me wrong. I enjoy True Blood just as much as the next person, but throw in zombies and Twilight and Harry Potter and all this othetr stuff and no wonder people today don't wave to one another anymore.
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depends on what side of the family i visited.....either no hugs or beer belly, beer breath wife beater wearing hairy men
*shudders*

do you think my love of first person shooter games fits in with this little problem???
 
Dear Clowns,

what would you tell a 40-something-still feeling like a-30-something-woman how to handle all the boy toys out there? OR, for that matter ~ the very much older gentlemen wanting to hit "that"?

somewhat confuzzled lady in between is wondering
 
ghenjia said:
Dear Clowns,

Why is it you can not like someone and having sex with them makes you euphoric? Yet you can love someone and fucking them is about erotic as brushing your teeth?

Signed - wishing the grass was not, indeed, greener.
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Dear wishing,

There is nothing more euphoric then dipping into some strange every now and then. Well that is unless you are faithfully married *ahem*.

Now if your partner is lacking in the sex department, maybe you should bring them to lit. There are many threads discussing this very topic. Share with them the masturbations thread. Share with them that you don't want to be that one handed typing person that developes tennis elbow because they have to cock and that means reaching from one end of the keyboard to the other without missing a stroke or diddle.

I actually had the best sex my wife and I ever had last night. I just attacked her. We were out watching the meteor shower and i went inside early and when she came in I just attacked her at the doorway. It was incredibly hot and delicious. For me at least. I forgot to pull down her panties so I was fucking her through her panties so it was like wearing a cotton rubber. I came, just chaffed. It was very hot.

Now realize that brushing your teeth can be very hot. Gliding those bristles over your gleaming white teeth and the saliva paste builds in your mouth. Ok so brushing your teeth isnt all that sexy. Some how make it sexy. Put his toothbrush handle up your pussy and brsh his teeth with it. Make sure it is one of those SonicCare and that way you both get pleasure out of it.

As for why you hate the other guy yet you continue fucking him. Well that is simple. He has a better dick and knows how to use it. I think it was Eddie Murphy who mentioned that if you can make a woman make a certain noise then you know you have her. Apparently he has made you make this certain noise, so as much as you hate him you need to have him again.

Some how have your man make you make this noise. Talk to him. It amazes me my married friends that don't talk about sex with their spouses. My wife and I may lack the amount of sex we have but when we do it is spectacular. It really is. Now we have only been married 6 days so that might be why. I kid I kid. Actually a bit longer then that.

So my adbvice to you is to incorporate your sexual needs into lets say an espn sports center ad. Discuss how his bat needs to hit a homerun. How when he is fingering you he needs to place his fingers inside you like he is throwing a 4 seamed fastball. Tell him if he hits that spot just right he will get to feel like a coach who just won the superbowl and got gatorade dumped over his head.

You have to find out his likes and someone incorporate that into the bedroom. Let him hold a golfclub while he fucks you from behind. Keeping screaming out you just eagled when he does something right or when he slips out of you yell "FOURRRRRRRRRR!"

I think if you do these things and get rid of the angry fuck it will accomplish 2 things. The first being that you won't be as stressed out about the situation and you can focus on your man, and 2 that guy who you hate right now will turn into Mr. Nice Guy because he isn't getting any and then you won't fuck him anymore because you don't hate him.

By the way welcome to the thread ;)
 
LusterMunky said:
I recently had a plethora of vexing questions and did not want to clutter up this thread, so I posed them to Clowns via PM. All were answered in a timely and thoughtful manner. (In particular, one where he proposed a solution involving two rutabagas and a nine iron.)

While his insightful advice was private, I wish to express my gratitude in public.
Click to expand...

What's a rutabaga? I said a shot gun with a toe attachement and a proper will. Don't confuse the two please.
 
Rosemaryythyme said:
depends on what side of the family i visited.....either no hugs or beer belly, beer breath wife beater wearing hairy men
*shudders*

do you think my love of first person shooter games fits in with this little problem???
Click to expand...

Depends? Have you ever been seen on COPS before? If not then you are good to go, but I highly suggest you put down the Natty Light and Marlboros and move into a house with no bars on the windows.
 
Forever_Gemini said:
Dear Clowns,

what would you tell a 40-something-still feeling like a-30-something-woman how to handle all the boy toys out there? OR, for that matter ~ the very much older gentlemen wanting to hit "that"?

somewhat confuzzled lady in between is wondering
Click to expand...

Dear confuzzled,

Ok now I am confuzzled! Are there really older men that say "I wanna hit that!" I have never heard an older man say that before. No wait, my Grandfather did when he was playing the ponies once. Apparently the jockey didn't use his whip properly and my Grandfather screamed out "I wanna hit that ----" We were escorted quietly out of the race track shortly after that for loud and unruly behavior (true story).

So besides the fact that ocogenarians continue to exclaim they want to hit that, you want to know how to handle the boy toys out there. It really is simple. There are a few ways to defend against these predators who want to take their nubile, verile, high energy bodies and press them against yours.

First would be to buy a playstation 3 and just get out of the way. The youngsters love the games. Leave Madden 2010 on your coffee table and you won't have to speak to him the rest of the night until you are ready for him to fullfill your needs then he can leave. No worries of mundane discussions about Jersey Shore. You can fuck them and not feel guilty because you didn't talk prior to it happening.

Second buy an IPOD touch. Have you played Paper Toss before. Hell it is addictive. Anytime one of these youngsters starts talking about his homework his biology teacher gave him, especially before spring break just quietly pull out the ipod touch and place it in front of him. Right in the middle of him discussing who he is taking to prom he will stop mid-sentence and the next thing you know he will be looking up his facebook page. In the meantime you can be doing some financial planning deciding whether or not to move some stock around. Now the key to this is to make sure the battery life is low on the touch or you could be in for a long night. Leave just enough for him to play a bit. When the battery dies, drop the panties get your fuck on quickly so you can get him back home before his curfew.

Finally stay away from the Axe body spray guys. Women i know it is difficult. I have seen the commercials. A guy walks past you smelling like a bubbling brook and you drop your panties, immediately become damp and an orgy ensues. I have sprayed myself with every axe body spray imaginable including mixing some of the scents and the only thing I have been attacked by is a poodle that lives across the street. I am not sure how those guys manage all that pussy, but I would love to get some of it.

I sure hope this helps you out...goodluck managing all of those young hard 6 packs....
 
DaemonOfSin said:
Dear Clowns,

How's Mildred?

Signed, Curious
Click to expand...

Dear curious,

I will be give an update shortly since so much has gone on this week, but she is doing great thanks. She is just had a bowel movement, unfortunately she is laying next to me in her house robe. I need to go get some Bounty.....
 
Dear Clowns,

Do you think it's wrong that I enjoy G-String Divas and Cathouse so much? I despise most reality shows but those two are fantastic! Although now I'm starting to feel guilty.

Signed,

Slightly Ashamed in the Midwest
 
Dear Clowns,

Please let me know if I am wrong to think that tattoos are damned sexy on women.

Suicide Girl Fancier
 
IhateClowns said:
Dear confuzzled,

Ok now I am confuzzled! Are there really older men that say "I wanna hit that!" I have never heard an older man say that before. No wait, my Grandfather did when he was playing the ponies once. Apparently the jockey didn't use his whip properly and my Grandfather screamed out "I wanna hit that ----" We were escorted quietly out of the race track shortly after that for loud and unruly behavior (true story).

So besides the fact that ocogenarians continue to exclaim they want to hit that, you want to know how to handle the boy toys out there. It really is simple. There are a few ways to defend against these predators who want to take their nubile, verile, high energy bodies and press them against yours.

First would be to buy a playstation 3 and just get out of the way. The youngsters love the games. Leave Madden 2010 on your coffee table and you won't have to speak to him the rest of the night until you are ready for him to fullfill your needs then he can leave. No worries of mundane discussions about Jersey Shore. You can fuck them and not feel guilty because you didn't talk prior to it happening.

Second buy an IPOD touch. Have you played Paper Toss before. Hell it is addictive. Anytime one of these youngsters starts talking about his homework his biology teacher gave him, especially before spring break just quietly pull out the ipod touch and place it in front of him. Right in the middle of him discussing who he is taking to prom he will stop mid-sentence and the next thing you know he will be looking up his facebook page. In the meantime you can be doing some financial planning deciding whether or not to move some stock around. Now the key to this is to make sure the battery life is low on the touch or you could be in for a long night. Leave just enough for him to play a bit. When the battery dies, drop the panties get your fuck on quickly so you can get him back home before his curfew.

Finally stay away from the Axe body spray guys. Women i know it is difficult. I have seen the commercials. A guy walks past you smelling like a bubbling brook and you drop your panties, immediately become damp and an orgy ensues. I have sprayed myself with every axe body spray imaginable including mixing some of the scents and the only thing I have been attacked by is a poodle that lives across the street. I am not sure how those guys manage all that pussy, but I would love to get some of it.

I sure hope this helps you out...goodluck managing all of those young hard 6 packs....
Click to expand...

lol ~ the prom thing was a little low :rolleyes: but the rest pretty much cracket me up!
 
Wings27 said:
Dear Clowns,

Do you think it's wrong that I enjoy G-String Divas and Cathouse so much? I despise most reality shows but those two are fantastic! Although now I'm starting to feel guilty.

Signed,

Slightly Ashamed in the Midwest
Click to expand...

Dear slightly,

Are you kidding me. I just got a rod reading that. There is nothing sexier to me then women who arent sexy trying to be sexy. It just gets me hot.

I love HBO's programming. Most of their series are phenomenal, but their afterhours programming is just shit. I think HBO adult themed programming needs a major update.

Let's take G-string divas. Great idea for a show. Following the workings of strippers. Awesome. Except they found the nastiest strippers imaginable. I would slip a dollar into their g-string if you gave me the dollar to do so. I am almost positive their pussy would leap out of their undies and snatch it before I got within an inch of it. I love the music as well. Nothing like Def Leopard to really get the juices flowing huh.

Now cathouse is just awesome on so many levels. You have the hookers working it hard. The bel rings and they do their line-up so Billy Bob's mama can pick out a whore for her boy to lose his virginity to. It is also great when he is finished 5 minutes later and she has spent 3grand. Then the creep factor goes up ten-fold when she comes in the room and sits on the bed she just paid for her son to lose his virginity in and discuss with the whore howit went. Now that makes me want to be a mama's boy in a bad way. I dont have that relationship with my mom or dad. To have them take me to vegas and purchase a whore for me to fuck. I wish I did have that relationship with them but i don't. I suppose they like their money and morals damn them.

It makes for some great TV. The women are alll so classy and gorgeous. Regular church going women who are all in love with Dennis and get so upset when they see him kissing and touching other women. Ok lemme get this right whore. You want the owner of the place to be faithful to you while you be a whore to everyon else. Yeah ok. You have the best tits and ass that are going to keep him faithful.

There is also that wonderful Real Sex. That is some good dick pulling material right there. To be able to pop that on and see some fat guy with a balloon fetish is a real turn on. Or taking some of the ugliest people in the world and watch them make their own pornos. I don't need to see Rocky Dennis fuck Roseanne Barr in the bath tub for crying out loud. The least they could do was get some halfway decent looking people to participate in these things. I end up jerking of to the people on the street they ask questions to instead of the actual documentaries

Finally if you haven't watched it yet I highly recommend that acclaimed series Pimps up Hoes down. Goosebumps just typing that out I tell you. Fucking so hot when you see a toothless woman smacking her gum wearing half a tube of lipstick being interviewd about what it is like to be a street walker. Then 2 minutes later you hear her giving a blow jhob to a teacher in a 86' buick lesabre in a Piggly Wiggly parking lot.

Seriously though nothing fucking hotter then a woman out of shape wearing an outfit so tight a woman in shape would never wear. He needs a bra and panties right?????? Fuck that shit, you needs to be good to go when it is time to be good to go. Baby for $20 I can suck you fdick reallll goood......

Bless you for helping keep this programming alive for all of us to enjoy
 
BradBigBrain said:
Dear Clowns,

Please let me know if I am wrong to think that tattoos are damned sexy on women.

Suicide Girl Fancier
Click to expand...

Dear SGF,

See I am not into that stuff too much. I don't mind the occasional tattoo or piercings. I have been with a few women that have their nipples pierced and that is pretty hot, but never one with a clit piercing so I wouldnt know.

As for the tattoo's as long as they don't go overboard I am all good. I am not into the emo look all that much. I like my women to be feminine (what i deem feminine at least) ad well some of those women look like they can kick my ass. Not sure I like that too much.

As long as their tattoos are classy and in good locations I don't mind them at all. If they have some weird tattoing going on I am not all that down with it. Soemthing feminie and classy. I dont need to see a naked woman holding a dagger in one hand and an ace of spades in the other staring back up at me as I fuck her from behind. My as well shoot my dick full of novacaine because nothing will be happening.

To each their own, a lot of men like the look. I am just not that into it.
 
dear clowns,
what's a more appropriate response to someone than "shut the fuck up"?
trying to be ladylike :D
 
Dear Clowns

Firstly let me say I have just caught up on the last few days' posts, and you haven't disappointed. :D

I am wondering if you have any tips on balancing my 'Lit' lovelife with my 'real' lovelife? I'm not sure sometimes which is more exciting or holds greater longevity?
 
Last edited:
Dear Clowns,

When are you going to have this thread syndicated? That might make it easier to find out here on The Playground.
 
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