Dear Clowns

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

When are you going to have this thread syndicated? That might make it easier to find out here on The Playground.

Syndicated? Hmmmmm I would have 4 subribers total. It would be like selling Amway in that I would have to spend more money to syndicate it then I would actually make in returns. I will have to just try and answer questions quicker to keep it somewhere below page 5.

 

[IhateClowns]

dear clowns,
what's a more appropriate response to someone than "shut the fuck up"?
trying to be ladylike

Dear trying,

Depends on what the response is for. If you receive a phone call in church I highly doubt you are going to tell the minister to shut the fuck up. Maybe a more apropriate response would be for you to just say shush really loud so you can take the call in peace. By telling him shush you are being a bit more polite and you can take that urgent call from your neighbor.

Then again if you are being attacked or are attacking someone, the most appropraiet response if screaming occurs is for the attacker to cover the persons mouth and tell them to shut the fuck up. I don't think them saying, would you mind be quiet so we are not got is really the most appropriate response to attacking someone.

I understand you want to be more lady like. However sometimes you just have to tell someone to shut the fuck up. It doesn't make you any less of a lady, it just means that passerbys that heard you might think you drive a semi for a living and date a girl named Matt.

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns

Firstly let me say I have just caught up on the last few days' posts, and you haven't disappointed.

I am wondering if you have any tips on balancing my 'Lit' lovelife with my 'real' lovelife? I'm not sure sometimes which is more exciting or holds greater longevity?

Dear Wondering,

You are not sure which is more eciting? Your real love life or that love life you have found on Lit. First lemme say that it amazes me you have found a love life on lit. Good for you. I am impressed you found someone worth clinging too consdering the ghoulds that haunt these boards, myself included. That is exciting in its own right and will be difficult to top in the real world.

I suppose you would have to go to a prison, reform a serial rapist and make him monogamous to even come close to equalling what you have accomplished with one of the guys from lit. It is practically impossible to get that high in real life that you receive everytime you get a PPM from this fella not asking if you want to see his cock.

So how do you balance it? You have to live your real life on the edge. Bungee jumping, sky diving, prison dating, things like that are what it is gonna take to balance the two out. You are in a lot of trouble young lady.

You should have just been subjected to what the other 95% of women go through on here. "Hi my name is Steve, how are you? Great. Wanna see my cock?" Then you hit the block button and move on to the next fella. You have found that diamond in the rough. As a matter of fact, fuck the real world shit, I would stock up on cases ofNo Dose and Mountain Dew and live your life through your lap top and cam. You have met someone that clearly warps the purest sense of reality.

Now there are no worries of hanging out at a bar, trying to meet someone new. Entertaining your husband or boyfriends....None of that anymore. JUst log on, log in and cyber away. Nothing higher or hotter then that dear.

 

[lolaluscious]

Dear Wondering,

You are not sure which is more eciting? Your real love life or that love life you have found on Lit. First lemme say that it amazes me you have found a love life on lit. Good for you. I am impressed you found someone worth clinging too consdering the ghoulds that haunt these boards, myself included.
[EDITED]

Now there are no worries of hanging out at a bar, trying to meet someone new. Entertaining your husband or boyfriends....None of that anymore. JUst log on, log in and cyber away. Nothing higher or hotter then that dear.

Dear Clowns

Thank you for your kind assumption that my question was based on the 'success' of my Lit lovelife and not the 'failure' of my real life.

You truly are a lot kinder than you let on.

L x

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns

Thank you for your kind assumption that my question was based on the 'success' of my Lit lovelife and not the 'failure' of my real life.

You truly are a lot kinder than you let on.

L x

Of course dear, always look at the positive

 

[BradBigBrain]

Dear IHC,

Can you comment on what you think is better in the eyes of women? Especially given your success/recent conquest in your love life. All things being similar (looks, build, cock size, talent in the sex department, etc.)

Is it better to be the proverbial bad boy -- someone she can mold into shape and fix his let's call them problem areas? Or is it better to be the fully operational model, one who is a nice guy, can cook and clean and even fix things around the house?

Asking for a friend

 

[Husker1987]

Dear Clowns,

While shopping this weekend I was faced with numerous choices going up and down the aisles of my local Superstore.

I pride myself on taking care of my body, as it is a temple (more like the Temple of Doom, but a Temple nonetheless) and only want to put natural and good things into it. Who and what kind of things I put my body into is another topic all together.

I was amazed at how many decisions and choices in our lives rely solely on whether or not the product is real and/or natural vs a product that is fake and/or artificial.

For example (and not in any order of importance)

Christmas Tree (real or artificial)
Sweeteners
Blondes
Plants/Flowers
Breasts
Turf
Orgasms (real or fake)
Worms
Intelligence
Friends
Fur

You see my point. There are plenty more I'm sure your readers could come up with. All obvious choices based on personal taste so to speak.

What I did not find was a clear cut choice regarding sex.

Which is better or better for you: Real and Natural Sex OR Fake and Artificial Sex??????

Signed,

Willing to go with the off brand on some things in life.

 

[DaemonOfSin]

Dear Clowns,

I have two questions for you Why must my dog growl at every moving thing? The second question is... Why do you hate me so?

Signed,
Sadness

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear IHC,

Can you comment on what you think is better in the eyes of women? Especially given your success/recent conquest in your love life. All things being similar (looks, build, cock size, talent in the sex department, etc.)

Is it better to be the proverbial bad boy -- someone she can mold into shape and fix his let's call them problem areas? Or is it better to be the fully operational model, one who is a nice guy, can cook and clean and even fix things around the house?

Asking for a friend

Dear caring about your friend,

I think women look at men much differently then we look at women. I was thinking about writing a book on that subject but I really don't think ti would sell very well so it isn't worth my efforts.

It really depends on what kind of woman you are hoping to attract. Sure women love the bad boy, they think the bad boy is totally hot. They love the idea of taming the bad boy. Being that one woman to fulfill all of his needs and desires. Most of these women that are attracted to these types of men normally start off looking like your everyday woman. Problem is once they find their bad boy and feel they have "tamed" him they slowly start to go down hill. Watch COPS sometime. ALL of those women that are sitting on the front porch screaming at the cops not to take her man from him as she goes verticle with a box of Franzia and is trying to cope with her 18th black used to be your typical everyday woman who was just pining away for her very own bad boy.

After 6 months of abuse, swigging alcohol, and scarfing down Banquet Frozen dinners, her bad boy is starting to get tired of her lippy attitude. Next thing you know a punch to the eye, a thrown box of Franzia hits the kitchen/bedroom/living room wall and everyone is wailing about the alcohol they was just wasted. Now the neighbors are involved and have decided that the cops need to be involved.

They happen to show up with a camera crew following their everyday move. She hasn't had time to sharpie up her eye lids, he is still in a syrup stained wife beater and sponge bob square pants boxers, and the dog with 8 nipples dragging the shag carpeting and is barking like mad because her nipples have rug burn, just like her mama who all she ever wanted was a bad boy.

Of course the bad boy end up in the back seat of the cruiser screeaming at his woman saying to put the beer in the fridge he so he can have it later. Then commences to smash his head against the window as the camera man zooms in for a close up making the bad boy stop in his tracks. He then sits there staring for two minutes trying to collect his thoughts, then procedes to scream at the top o his lungs that he is innocent and his woman is a cunt.

Now I highly doubt you want to be on COPS, so I would suggest you stay away from the bad boy angle.

Now don't get me wrong women like a little edge on their man. MAy I suggest triming the birds nest down below. Give it some life. That will show her you are a bit edgy. Maybe grow a goatee or get a tattoo. There is a difference between acting like a bad boy and being a bad boy. Acting like a bad boy will get you to 2nd or 3rd base then you can try and close the deal. Being a bad boy will get you a rape charge and a cell with a guy named Bubba. No one wants that.

As for looks just dress the part. If you are goign to a nic place to eat I suggest you put the Ozzy t-shirt back on the hanger and maybe wear something a bit more appropriate. I would also suggest to throw away and jean shorts you own. No man should own a pair of jean shorts. It just isn't right. Spend the extra $3.50 and get some khaki ones for crying out loud.

As for cock size you just have to play the hand God dealt you. If you are hung like a mule then use it to your advantage. If you are hund like a tit mouse you better keep her hand away from your zipper and I highly suggest you practice your oral skills.

Women love a guy who can fix things and cook a bit. By cooking I mean grilling. By fixing things I mean plumbing electrical shit, not sewing a button back on your jean shorts (get rid of those fucking things by the way). Be a man's man with a gentle touch with the time is right. Don't weep everytime Ty says "Move that bus!" Make sure goosebumps form everytime Al Michael's says "Do you believe in miracles!" And finally never ever ever agree to watching any of the Real Housewives of any city in the united states with her. You are just looking for trouble and because they are in 2000 cities that means there is never a seasons end.

Good luck

 

[Cinner]

Dear Clowns,

I have two questions for you Why must my dog growl at every moving thing? The second question is... Why do you hate me so?

Signed,
Sadness

Wow...

Dear Sadness,

I'm sure this isn't true... He's a nice guy... even though he hates clowns... You're not a clown are you?

-Fellow reader

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

While shopping this weekend I was faced with numerous choices going up and down the aisles of my local Superstore.

I pride myself on taking care of my body, as it is a temple (more like the Temple of Doom, but a Temple nonetheless) and only want to put natural and good things into it. Who and what kind of things I put my body into is another topic all together.

I was amazed at how many decisions and choices in our lives rely solely on whether or not the product is real and/or natural vs a product that is fake and/or artificial.

For example (and not in any order of importance)

Christmas Tree (real or artificial)
Sweeteners
Blondes
Plants/Flowers
Breasts
Turf
Orgasms (real or fake)
Worms
Intelligence
Friends
Fur

You see my point. There are plenty more I'm sure your readers could come up with. All obvious choices based on personal taste so to speak.

What I did not find was a clear cut choice regarding sex.

Which is better or better for you: Real and Natural Sex OR Fake and Artificial Sex??????

Signed,

Willing to go with the off brand on some things in life.

Dear willing,

The question s which is better for me? Real sex or fake or artificial sex? That is an easy one. I understand your dilemma. Who wants to spend 3 months after Christmas still pulling out pine needles from the bottom of your foot. I get it. When it comes to sex though I would still much rather slide my guy into a warm vagina rather then standing in front of a mirror all oiled up smiling at myself with candles lit and Mmmmmm Bop playing on the radio.Stroking a way and giving it a rough squeeze every time I am about to cum. Then giggling like a school girl and starting all over again (what you don't do that?).

See the reason why I like real sex as opposed to artificial is because it is much easier to get rid of the viruses I get in real life as opposed to the ones I get when I click on the picture of the pretty girl then my computer throws up on me and I get the blue screen of death. You see a penecillin shot clears most of that stuff up in real life, while I have to shamefully take my laptop back to the guy I took it to two weeks ago to fix the same problem i had before due to watching too much porn.

Also I enjoy real life sex more because I don't care if the person I am fucking enjoys it or not. It is all about me. I am selfish in bed. When I cum you better have cum or you might as well plug it in as I am shutting the door behind me.

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

I have two questions for you Why must my dog growl at every moving thing? The second question is... Why do you hate me so?

Signed,
Sadness

Dear double dose of questions,

The 2nd question perplexes me as I have no idea why you would think I hate you. I hate your dog fro growling at me all the time but I don't hate you. Hate is a strong word. I may dislike you, not approve of you, be bothered by you or something to that effect, but I would never hate you. That is to harsh.

As for your dog I have been now to be a dog whisperer of sorts. Here is what you do. Everytime your dog growls at soemthing kick it as hard as you can in the side. If you continue doing this he will either stop growling or stop moving. Either way the probem will be solved.

First question I get to ask someone on here. Why do you think I hate you? I only hate 3 people on here and they already know who they are.

 

[IhateClowns]

Wow...

Dear Sadness,

I'm sure this isn't true... He's a nice guy... even though he hates clowns... You're not a clown are you?

-Fellow reader

I have to agree with you Cinner. He really is a nice guy. He may piss of a few people every now and then. May be misunderstood from time to time but I think I can vouch for him. I would let IHC date my daughter if I had one.

 

[DaemonOfSin]

Dear double dose of questions,

The 2nd question perplexes me as I have no idea why you would think I hate you. I hate your dog fro growling at me all the time but I don't hate you. Hate is a strong word. I may dislike you, not approve of you, be bothered by you or something to that effect, but I would never hate you. That is to harsh.

As for your dog I have been now to be a dog whisperer of sorts. Here is what you do. Everytime your dog growls at soemthing kick it as hard as you can in the side. If you continue doing this he will either stop growling or stop moving. Either way the probem will be solved.

First question I get to ask someone on here. Why do you think I hate you? I only hate 3 people on here and they already know who they are.

I asked for that video of you on youtube on another thread and i never got it.

Kicking the dog is not an option. She's just to damn cute.

 

[IhateClowns]

I asked for that video of you on youtube on another thread and i never got it.

Kicking the dog is not an option. She's just to damn cute.

Video? Not sure what you are talking about.

Is she small enough to throw against a wall then?

 

[DaemonOfSin]

Video? Not sure what you are talking about.

Is she small enough to throw against a wall then?

Are you kidding I can't even pick her up. Bitch is 75 lbs...

you said your proposal is on youtube. Was in the 3 things thread

 

[IhateClowns]

Are you kidding I can't even pick her up. Bitch is 75 lbs...

you said your proposal is on youtube. Was in the 3 things thread

Oh she is 75lbs? Then I would buy a blow dart. Those tend to help when training large animals. Plus it less life threatening then using a gun when a large animals starts growling at you.

Never saw the comment on that thread. Yes our engagement is on there, but I don't want to share it withanyone on the boards just because I like keeping her privacy hers if you know what I mean. I apologize for missing the comment before.

 

[DaemonOfSin]

Just a midget Rottweiler is all. Have any non-violent methods?

 

[IhateClowns]

Just a midget Rottweiler is all. Have any non-violent methods?

Those are violent? Hmmmmmm today's youth. I suppose since they never got spanked growing up they would think anything is violent now-a-days.

So how do you get a rottweiler to stop growling at everything. Is she fixed? If not I would get her snipped quickly. Also you might want to mix in benedryl with the leg of lamb you feed her for dinner everynight. That will mellow her out. Otherwise I am going to see you on the 5pm news crying into the camera saying how sweet she is and you cannot believe she ripped that guys face off.

 

[LusterMunky]

Dear Clowns,

I just completed my obligatory Lit Vanity Search and discovered that I am intriguing to two Litsters. One is a knockout blonde who gives mind blowing phone sex. The other is a Clown.

Which one should I invite to the prom?

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

I just completed my obligatory Lit Vanity Search and discovered that I am intriguing to two Litsters. One is a knockout blonde who gives mind blowing phone sex. The other is a Clown.

Which one should I invite to the prom?

I would take the clown personally. He sounds like a hoot. If you take the cyber sex queen to the prom you would be in a lot of trouble. Ask any number of folks about their prom experience and 90% of them are going to tell you it was awful.

If you are a guy taking a girl then you will bitch and moan 10 years later about how much of a prude your prom date was. How you spent $40 on The Olive garden. Begged your brother to borrow his "cool" Ford Taurus with the sound system that would chip his car's paint everytime he turned it up. Got the tuxedo and rented that quaint room at the Motel 6. How you were so excited to know you were getting laid all night long. Instead you got to hear about how her shoes are killing her. Someone is wearing the same dress she is and that her period just started and she wants to go home because she is so bloated from all of the breadsticks she scarfed down during dinner.

If you are a girl taking a guy then you get the joy of dealing with the pressure of looking your absolute best. The pressure of the 2 months prior consistent talking from your man about how passionmate and sexy prom night is going to be, when in actuality you have no desire to watch him fidget with the hotel room card as he continuously swipes it in and out of the door reader. Him cussing and you standing there in your prettiest dress as he storms back to the front office. Having th joy of dealing with the awkwardness of a guy coming out of his room next door to smoke a cigarette as you stand there in your prom dress fumbling with your corsage trying not to make eye contact because now he is going to be jerking off to the sounds of you getting fucked next door t him.

So instead I would suggest you take a clown to prom. It would be a hell of a lot more memorable. He could keep you laughing, spike the punch bowl, and you could just chill and make fun of everyone. That to me sounds a whole heck of a lot better.

By the way my cumberbun and bowtie are light blue. Please make sure you match.

 

[littlebabyclit]

Dear Clowns,

I didn't go to my prom, but now I wish I had...and taken a clown with me. Sounds like that could have been a lot of fun and would have motivated me to go. Thanks for the perspective.

Sincerely,
Avoided The Guy Jerking Off In The Hotel Room Next Door

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

I didn't go to my prom, but now I wish I had...and taken a clown with me. Sounds like that could have been a lot of fun and would have motivated me to go. Thanks for the perspective.

Sincerely,
Avoided The Guy Jerking Off In The Hotel Room Next Door

It is a mistake a lot of girls make. I am glad you didn't fall prey to the docuhe highschool guy looking to take advantage of his prom date. Then again you could have gotten salad and breadsticks. It really is a tough call.

 

[Husker1987]

Dear Clowns,

My prom date was awarded the "Class Ditcher" award on senior night, which was the week before prom. That night the odds of her meeting me at The Olive Garden were set at 10:1, showing up at the dance was 20:1.

Shoulda taken the bets, huh?

Sincerely,

Dancing with myself

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

My prom date was awarded the "Class Ditcher" award on senior night, which was the week before prom. That night the odds of her meeting me at The Olive Garden were set at 10:1, showing up at the dance was 20:1.

Shoulda taken the bets, huh?

Sincerely,

Dancing with myself

Dear soloist,

I always miss out on the sure ones. How much did you pay for the motel room? Hopefully it was by the hour. I cannot think of a lonelier moment than sitting on that plush motel 6 bed in your tuxedo, holding a corsage, and mumbling to yourself as you flip channels on their fantastic 13" tv's.

Hopefully you still went even if it was by yourself. There is nothing creepy about that guy on the dance floor that is seemingly dancing with himself at a pace that doesn't go with the music that is playing. Everyone is slow dancing while he is flailing his arms and spinning around in circles babbling on about the cunt that didn't show up tonight. I hope that wasn't you...I am sure you went and were a gentleman