Dear Clowns

[Rosemaryythyme]

Dear Clowns,

I have a very serious question. Are you Team Jacob or Team Edward?
And what team is really the best team?

Numero Uno Fan

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

I like crime shows and he likes the news . What do you do with someone who hijacks the remote when you get up to get him a drink when he visits your house?

-Mad as Hell

Dear mad,

Why not combine the 2? Our news is basically a crime show now-a-days. There first 15 minutes is about murder, rape, and everything else that you would normally see on a crime show. It is pretty depressing actually so we really do not watch the news much anymore.

I would also suggest him getting up to get you a drink. I know he is a guest in your place, but sounds to me like he might have been there bfore. So he knows where everything is. You are the hospitable one by allowing him to come over and bask in your gloryness. So he should feel obligated to get you a drink every now and then.

As for him grabbing the remote, I highly doubts he even realizes he is doing it. It is a subconscious thing we guys do. If there is a remote laying around we will grab it because it is our adult binky. It is our safety net. No remote should go more then 5 minutes without being held and caressed in some way.

Finally take the remote with you when you go to get a drink. Women are usually very good with their hands. I am sure you can carry a few drinks and a remote at the same time. This should help you get back to your seat and watch all of those cheesy analogies David Caruso uses on CSI Miami. He is such a douche.

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

What age is too old for a man to be chaperoned by his Mom? Surely 40 falls in that range!

-Bemused

Dear bemused,

Chaperoned to where exactly? Yes 40 years old is too old i his mom is still tuckig him into bed. That i just a bit much. There are a lot of older folks living with their parents considering the economy situation. Now I would rather live at a motel 6 then move back home but that is just me.

Now if he is 40 and asking his mom for dating advice then I would tell him to google something. A 65+ year old woman is probably going to tell him to take her to the VFW for bingo then to Denny's for a cup of coffe. That isn't going to get him laid.

So tell him to release from Momma's titty and take a proud step forward into manhood.

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

I have a very serious question. Are you Team Jacob or Team Edward?
And what team is really the best team?

Numero Uno Fan

Dear Fan,

Are you kidding me? That is a sily questin I am Team Jacob all the way. I mean Taylor Lautner is fucking hot. Thank God he turned 18 recently or I could have had a meeting with Chris Hansen.

Seriously someone needs to shake these girls.

 

[Rosemaryythyme]

Dear Fan,

Are you kidding me? That is a sily questin I am Team Jacob all the way. I mean Taylor Lautner is fucking hot. Thank God he turned 18 recently or I could have had a meeting with Chris Hansen.

Seriously someone needs to shake these girls.

Dear Clowns,

So just to clarify you would rather be a wolf than a vampire?

And do you think Taylor Lautner checks craigslist?

 

[sunshinegirl05]

Dear Clowns,

I was just curious if you thought this could have been a text from one of Craiglist guy's friends?

(817):

God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist


Signed,

Just curious

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

So just to clarify you would rather be a wolf than a vampire?

And do you think Taylor Lautner checks craigslist?

Dear needing clarification,

Yes there is just something sexy about a man with a bac so hairy you could part it. So I would gladly accept wolf over and vamp unless with are talking about vamplady. Then I might have to change my mind.

I think Taylor, or Tay as he likes me to call him, constantly checks out Craigslist. I think if you are human and are not frequently perusing craigslist for that special deal, then you really aren't living.

As you can see Tay lives quite well.

 

[SJZ76]

Dear IHC,

How does one become as wise and savvy as you?

x - SJ

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

I was just curious if you thought this could have been a text from one of Craiglist guy's friends?

(817):

God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist


Signed,

Just curious

Dear just curious,

Yes that is one of the texts that was supposed to be sent to RT's pure virginal woman. I received one as well saying he has lost his car keys and can she check out the pad she was wearing that night to see if maybe they were stuck to it.

There is only one gift I want for Christmas. That is to hook up with some stray off of craigslist and live to tell the tale.

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear IHC,

How does one become as wise and savvy as you?

x - SJ

Dear x,

First off hello stranger it is good to see you again. I have lived a diverse life. Do you know the Dos XX's commercials about the "Most Interesting Man in the World?" Those are based on me. They came to me and were shocked at how young I am. It amazed them that a man of my age would be as wise, caring, and articulent as I am.

They were concerned that I wouldn't be believable enough on screen so they chose a man that I hand picked myself. His name is Ralph and he wors the corner store &-eleven next to my neighborhood.

So how did I get so wise? I read alot of Calvin and Hobbs. I learned about love and friendship through how Calvin and Hobbs treated each other. I learned that the best way to show women you liked them were to be brutally honest and throw snowballs at their faces.

I learned that you have to live in a make believe world to be truly happy. I learned that if you don't like your surrounding you should just make them up as you go. Kind of like how Calvinball formed. I learned that you don't have to learn how to swim to become a real man.

I learned that if you dream high and hard enough you can become anything you want to become like Spaceman Spiff became for Calvin. I learned that the only way to get through life is to see the world in a way only you can understand. You might get grounded, you might get sent to the principle's office, you might be the butt of a few jokes yourself, but you will sometimes put smiles on other people's faces along the way.

 

[SJZ76]

Dear x,

First off hello stranger it is good to see you again. I have lived a diverse life. Do you know the Dos XX's commercials about the "Most Interesting Man in the World?" Those are based on me. They came to me and were shocked at how young I am. It amazed them that a man of my age would be as wise, caring, and articulent as I am.

They were concerned that I wouldn't be believable enough on screen so they chose a man that I hand picked myself. His name is Ralph and he wors the corner store &-eleven next to my neighborhood.

So how did I get so wise? I read alot of Calvin and Hobbs. I learned about love and friendship through how Calvin and Hobbs treated each other. I learned that the best way to show women you liked them were to be brutally honest and throw snowballs at their faces.

I learned that you have to live in a make believe world to be truly happy. I learned that if you don't like your surrounding you should just make them up as you go. Kind of like how Calvinball formed. I learned that you don't have to learn how to swim to become a real man.

I learned that if you dream high and hard enough you can become anything you want to become like Spaceman Spiff became for Calvin. I learned that the only way to get through life is to see the world in a way only you can understand. You might get grounded, you might get sent to the principle's office, you might be the butt of a few jokes yourself, but you will sometimes put smiles on other people's faces along the way.

Oh, damn. I was reading the wrong comic all this time.....

 

[IhateClowns]

Oh, damn. I was reading the wrong comic all this time.....

I say to each their own. Live by the comic you grew up reading. If you read garfield then you love Lasagna and can be a bit lazy at times.

If you read Charlie Brown you dig the shaved look, like pulling pranks, being pretty dirty, and enjoy a peppermint every now and then.

Who knows what you grew up reading comic wise but I bet there is a bit of you that wasin that strip.

Or I could just be some extremely tired guy who is full of shit.

If I had to bet I would take the latter

 

[SJZ76]

I say to each their own. Live by the comic you grew up reading. If you read garfield then you love Lasagna and can be a bit lazy at times.

If you read Charlie Brown you dig the shaved look, like pulling pranks, being pretty dirty, and enjoy a peppermint every now and then.

Who knows what you grew up reading comic wise but I bet there is a bit of you that wasin that strip.

Or I could just be some extremely tired guy who is full of shit.

If I had to bet I would take the latter

Oh my - well. Hmmm. I grew up reading "FAR SIDE." I'm terrified about what that says about me!

And I'm sure you're not that tired!

 

[IhateClowns]

Oh my - well. Hmmm. I grew up reading "FAR SIDE." I'm terrified about what that says about me!

And I'm sure you're not that tired!

Glad you didn't think i was full of shit. As for the farside. There isn't much I can say that Gary LArsen doesn't already say. Besides Bill Watterson, Gary Larsen is a genius. He could hang out in the PG here at Lit and come out of retirment and write a dozen more books about us yahoo's on here.

 

[SJZ76]

Glad you didn't think i was full of shit. As for the farside. There isn't much I can say that Gary LArsen doesn't already say. Besides Bill Watterson, Gary Larsen is a genius. He could hang out in the PG here at Lit and come out of retirment and write a dozen more books about us yahoo's on here.

Sweetie - you'd be a book all by yourself!

 

[border_humper]

Glad you didn't think i was full of shit. As for the farside. There isn't much I can say that Gary LArsen doesn't already say. Besides Bill Watterson, Gary Larsen is a genius. He could hang out in the PG here at Lit and come out of retirment and write a dozen more books about us yahoo's on here.

PMJI but...
Amen on both counts!

 

[availableslave2u]

dear clowns,
which do you think came first, the chicken or the egg?
curious about poultry

 

[IhateClowns]

dear clowns,
which do you think came first, the chicken or the egg?
curious about poultry

Dear curious,

This age old question is simple to answer.

Was it the chicken? Where did the chicken come from? What did it look like? Did it look like a chicken? Did it taste like chicken? Were there feathers? I mean you can clearly tell that a chicken is a chicken. It is moist and juicy. You can fry, bake, grill, and do all kind of things with a chicken. The chicken is some of the best eating you can do right? Wings, breasts, thighs. Such good eating.

What about the egg? The egg also comes in many sizes and colors. A lot of different animals lay eggs. A lot of animals produce eggs in various forms. Some with soft shells, others with hard shells. Some in sacs and some not. You can cook egs all different kinds of ways. Poached, scrambled, sunny side, up. You can do just about anything with an egg.

So as you can see it is clear which came first.

 

[availableslave2u]

dear clowns,
i seem to always look at the clock at 4:44. do you think that means something?
cock, oops i mean clock watcher

 

[availableslave2u]

Dear curious,

This age old question is simple to answer.

Was it the chicken? Where did the chicken come from? What did it look like? Did it look like a chicken? Did it taste like chicken? Were there feathers? I mean you can clearly tell that a chicken is a chicken. It is moist and juicy. You can fry, bake, grill, and do all kind of things with a chicken. The chicken is some of the best eating you can do right? Wings, breasts, thighs. Such good eating.

What about the egg? The egg also comes in many sizes and colors. A lot of different animals lay eggs. A lot of animals produce eggs in various forms. Some with soft shells, others with hard shells. Some in sacs and some not. You can cook egs all different kinds of ways. Poached, scrambled, sunny side, up. You can do just about anything with an egg.

So as you can see it is clear which came first.

thanks for clearing that up *nods*

 

[BradBigBrain]

dear clowns,
i seem to always look at the clock at 4:44. do you think that means something?
cock, oops i mean clock watcher

This one interests me, too. I seem to always look up at 11:11. And it's really troubling on November 11th. I'm worried that next year will be really a serious problem. Like I could go back in time or something.

 

[Cinner]

This one interests me, too. I seem to always look up at 11:11. And it's really troubling on November 11th. I'm worried that next year will be really a serious problem. Like I could go back in time or something.

I'm with you on the 11:11 thing. I stop work each morning to watch the clock say 11:11:11 and of course there's 12:34:56 (sigh)... OCD you think? I'm looking for world peace to break out on 11 November next year.

 

[Rosemaryythyme]

Dear Clowns,

I've realized that I have an addiction to Zombie video games

do you think there's a hidden meaning?!

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear curious,

This age old question is simple to answer.

Was it the chicken? Where did the chicken come from? What did it look like? Did it look like a chicken? Did it taste like chicken? Were there feathers? I mean you can clearly tell that a chicken is a chicken. It is moist and juicy. You can fry, bake, grill, and do all kind of things with a chicken. The chicken is some of the best eating you can do right? Wings, breasts, thighs. Such good eating.

What about the egg? The egg also comes in many sizes and colors. A lot of different animals lay eggs. A lot of animals produce eggs in various forms. Some with soft shells, others with hard shells. Some in sacs and some not. You can cook egs all different kinds of ways. Poached, scrambled, sunny side, up. You can do just about anything with an egg.

So as you can see it is clear which came first.

This one interests me, too. I seem to always look up at 11:11. And it's really troubling on November 11th. I'm worried that next year will be really a serious problem. Like I could go back in time or something.

I'm with you on the 11:11 thing. I stop work each morning to watch the clock say 11:11:11 and of course there's 12:34:56 (sigh)... OCD you think? I'm looking for world peace to break out on 11 November next year.

Dear need to by a ball gang,

Go out and play. Get a hoola hoop or a frisbee or something. Stop watching the clock go by. What fun is that?

There are meaning behind these events and ways you can change them. First would be to get rid of all of your digital clocks. Just toss them. They are raising your electric bill anyway. When you look at a clock that isn't ditial I guarantee you won't be looking at it everytime it hits 11:11. or 12.:34, or hw about Cinner's 12:34:56. Who has a clock running by the 1000's besides maybe a 100 yard dash judge.

Do what I do, wear a Movado watch. They are stylish and look fantastic. Just don't ask me the time because I have no clue on that thing. With no numbers I have no idea if I even have it on the right way or not, but my wrist will look damn good as I run my fingers through my balding hairline.

As for you waking up at the exact same time everynight, there is one solution for that. It comes in a bottle and turns your teeth green. NyQuil is a God send. Fuck whether you have a cold or not, tip that bottle verticle and gulp down your misery. Sure you won't be able to operate heavy machinery (including your sex toys women) and you will be seeing cartoon characters prior to falling asleep, but once you have gone into that medically induces coma you won't have to worry about seeing the clock at 4:44am anymore. Hell you might not have to worry about seeing it at 8 or 9am either.

The only issue with swigging NyQuil besides the Christmas teeth is that you might wake up with a bit of a hazy outlook on life. Just go with it. So your mouth feels like you swallowed a sweater last night. That is just a side affect and will go away with a dozen glasses of water.

So you miss work all day because you are a zombie and decide you need to lay on the couch guzzling your water and watching judge shows on the CW. Who doesn't need an update on whose cousing fucked whose brother on the soap opera you used to watch in college and are amazed some of the same people are still on there. The NyQuil will help you get past all of that.

So just remember if you are gonna swig the Green make sure you have vacation days available to you because you just might need them.

 

[ghenjia]

Dear Clowns,

Why is it you can not like someone and having sex with them makes you euphoric? Yet you can love someone and fucking them is about erotic as brushing your teeth?

Signed - wishing the grass was not, indeed, greener.