Dear Clowns

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

I think you misunderstood me. Lengthy is good; 'the longer the better' is a good rule to live by. It makes the warm rush all that better.

So please don't shorten those posts, I would be very disappointed.

While I'm posting, I was wondering if you could clear something up for me. Why do men in hardware stores find it impossible to let a woman 'browse'? I realise they are trying to be helpful, but it's nice to have a little look around before the salesperson swoops.

Yours in warm rushes.

Dear misunderstood,

Good to know that my ramblings are not bothering you because I tend to say alot even if it is a yes or no question.

The reason why men attack women in hardware stores is because they pretty much see guys all day. Would you want to work in a hardware store all day long? No thank you. So when an attractive lady walks in they get 'tented' right away and their tuning fork basically drags them to where you are.

Plus it is a manly thing to try and help a woman when it comes to tools. He doesn't know the first thing about the stock market, or literature, or anything that you might find interesting, so he does his best to impress you by discussing how a stud finder works. I am sure he pulled the old gag by showing you how it works. Moving it along a wall then taking it off and putting it on his chest and then saying beep beep beep over and over. The goal for you to see that he is a stud and his device found it. They are really clever that way.

So unfortunately you have no choice when it comes to buying tools unless you just do it online. I think that would be better, only problem is googling, drill, screw, driver, hammer or any other type of tool is probably going to make you end up diddling your clit to a video of a guy fucking another guy's woman that they just met off of Craigslist

 

[littlebabyclit]

Dear curious,

I enjoy mounds personally. In no shape or form do I ever want to shove nuts in my mouth. Why not enjoy licking, tasting and munching a lovely mound? I have no desire to have salty nuts in my mouth no matter if they are covered with coconut or not.

Dear Clowns,

Priceless answer. But do you realize, you might be a bit nutphobic?

FYI not all nuts are salty, and if you do not shove them in your mouth, they aren't so bad to suck on.

Sincerely,
Prefers Nuts but not Mound-phobic

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

Priceless answer. But do you realize, you might be a bit nutphobic?

FYI not all nuts are salty, and if you do not shove them in your mouth, they aren't so bad to suck on.

Sincerely,
Prefers Nuts but not Mound-phobic

Dear nut lover,

Yes i am proud to say that I am nut-o-phobic and have no desite to see, lick, or taste any nuts. Nor have any nuts around my facial area. That is why I eat Milky Ways and not Snickers

 

[IhateClowns]

I received an anonymous PM and felt it needed to be addressed.

DEAR IHC:

The other night I was giving my husband a blowjob, 20 minutes into it, he went soft. Is he gay?


Dear lockjaw,

20 minutes? He lasted 20 minutes? Let me be the first to say that congrats to him for even lasting 30 minutes. I last about 25 seconds when it comes to actual penetration. When I receive a blowjob (wait I just came in my pants thinking about it), which is approximately every leap year I last about 12 seconds. The time before it is spent begging her to do it and the time after is spent thanking her and rapidly running around trying to get something to clean up with while making her her favorite dinner at the same time.

Now he last 20 minutes and goes soft on you? How often do you give hima blow job? If it is every day he is wayyyyy too spoiled as NO man deserves a blowjob everyday of his life. There are not enough chores in the world for a man to accomplish for him to receive a blowjob a day. So if you are giving him too many then back off a bit. Make them more of a treat for him. Not sure how they can be even more of a treat, because I equate the blowjob to seeing that mythical creature Bigfoot. It just doesn't happen and when it does it is other people who get it or see him and I sit at my computer staring in awe.

If you give them to him rarely and he doesn't come from them, I would hire Andy Dick to come over to your house and give you some new techniques. He seemed to have a pretty good idea what he was doing in Old School. By learning some new techniques you might be able to get him quicker.

Finaly if he doesn't respond to that i suggest when he starts to go soft you jab an object up his hieny. Whether it is a finger or the remote. Something that will wake his ass up and make him concentrate on what you are doing as opposed to who the Jets play next week.

Good luck friend

 

[Rosemaryythyme]

Dear Clowns,
I've been reading this "craigslist ad" thread. Now my thinking is, instead of selling Mary Kay and Avon, what if I got into the Craiglist Ad business. You know instead of walking the streets advertise myself on craigslist?

Do you think that would work? Or is there not a big enough market for it?

Thanks!
Numero uno fan

 

[BradBigBrain]

Dear IHateClowns,

Please settle this once and for all:

Toilet paper - should you put the toilet paper in the holder so you pull from the top or the bottom?

Rollin' Rollin' Rollin' keep those dogies rolllin'

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,
I've been reading this "craigslist ad" thread. Now my thinking is, instead of selling Mary Kay and Avon, what if I got into the Craiglist Ad business. You know instead of walking the streets advertise myself on craigslist?

Do you think that would work? Or is there not a big enough market for it?

Thanks!
Numero uno fan

Dear questioning a career change,

Please understand that you have to be in the upper 90th percentile to even qualify to have an ad on craigslist. Only the elite of the elite are allowed to post ads there. That is why it is free to post there, because only people with ridiculous amounts of money post ads and well their money is just no good with Mr.Craig.

I might suggest you head over to his house for a casting call. He does that with most of the people that post ads on his list. I wanted to sell a microwave I have had stored in my attic since college. He made me come to his house. I had to strip down naked and sit indian style on hi bear rug while his friends made comments about my body. They circled spots they felt I needed to firm up or lose weight. It was humiliating but I was able to sell my microwave for $15. It was well worth it.

So please make sure you are ready to go through his testing criteria. If you pass all of those tests then you can start posting ads of yourself in hopes of landing a special gentleman like RT.

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear IHateClowns,

Please settle this once and for all:

Toilet paper - should you put the toilet paper in the holder so you pull from the top or the bottom?

Rollin' Rollin' Rollin' keep those dogies rolllin'

Dear rollin'

Let me tell you a great little secret I have found out. Baby wipes are not just used on babies. have you ever used a wet wipe before? It is so soft and luscious. It is like I am wiping my ass with a soft bunny. Using wet wipes help in so many ways.

It doesn't matter how you pull the TP off the roll, botomline is if you shit like I do you are going to inevitably wipe or an hour. Flush 3 or 4 times and get some on your finger. Don't act like you don't and don't even pretend to tell me when you do you don't look around to make sure no one can see you and then slowly bring it up to your nose and take a whiff. I am not sure why we do not. I have heard the term "My shit don't stink" but I am here to tell you everytime I have gotten dookie on my finger from wiping too hard, I have taking a whiff and it always smells like SHIT.

The other nice thing is you never have to worry about the TP ripping off in your heiny hole. There is nothing more frustrating then having to pick out cottonelle because your ass is so corse you rip it to shreds. Then you have to stand up, bend over and pick out little pieces for the next hour. If they made toilet paper like brawny makes paper towels then I might be more apt at using them. But they don't make a quicker picker upper for shit.

The other issue with TP is God forbid you take a shit and it breaks off halfway. You are totally fucked. You might as well get comfy because you will be wiping for the next half a day. Doesn't matter how much TP you use, you wont get it all and you will end up walking around with an itchy ass all the next day. All because you didn't invest in wet wipes. They are a Godsend my friend.

So my suggestion until you get to the grocery store is to take your normal shit. If after 3 wipes you are not clean, you might as well turn on the faucet, take off the rest of your clothes and take a shower. I have had to do that numerous times. There have been times as soon as I started taking the shit I started the faucet because I knew what was going to happen.

The problem with that scenario is cleaning the soap off after you have cleaned your heiny. Shit smell is like gasoline. if you get it on your hands, it doesn't matter how much you wash, you are still going to have that faint shit smell and no matter how hard you try yu will always bring that finger to your nose and take a whiff.

Go get wet wipes now. It is your only hope.

 

[lolaluscious]

Dear Clowns,

I only ever use the 'auto start 1 minute' button on my microwave.

I noticed this morning there are ten other buttons that I've never pushed. The instruction book was used to balance a wonky table long ago. What are these mystery buttons for, and am I missing out on anything?

Yours in 800W

 

[littlebabyclit]

Dear Clowns,

In your opinion, is it possible for a woman to come on too strong to a man? Are there right and wrong ways to flirt?

Regards,
Another Wet Wipes Fan

 

[Rosemaryythyme]

Dear questioning a career change,

Please understand that you have to be in the upper 90th percentile to even qualify to have an ad on craigslist. Only the elite of the elite are allowed to post ads there. That is why it is free to post there, because only people with ridiculous amounts of money post ads and well their money is just no good with Mr.Craig.

I might suggest you head over to his house for a casting call. He does that with most of the people that post ads on his list. I wanted to sell a microwave I have had stored in my attic since college. He made me come to his house. I had to strip down naked and sit indian style on hi bear rug while his friends made comments about my body. They circled spots they felt I needed to firm up or lose weight. It was humiliating but I was able to sell my microwave for $15. It was well worth it.

So please make sure you are ready to go through his testing criteria. If you pass all of those tests then you can start posting ads of yourself in hopes of landing a special gentleman like RT.

Dear Clowns,
I went for my "interview" at his house,
there was a very creepy greasy man there. He said he remembered you, and asked me to give you his phone number, I'll PM it to you later.

I think I passed!
I'll keep you abreast of the situation

 

[Rikki_13]

Dear Clowns,

In your opinion, is it possible for a woman to come on too strong to a man? Are there right and wrong ways to flirt?

Regards,
Another Wet Wipes Fan

Please answer this for the both of us, because I was accused of this and being intimidating to guys earlier in the week. Starting to think guys just want a glorified glory hole and not a legitimate woman... am I wrong here?

 

[BradBigBrain]

Dear IHC,

Thanks so much for you insightful and detailed answer to my last question. I'm a little bit embarrassed, though, as it seems you have surreptitiously planted a webcam in my bathroom.

My next question:

Is this the proper order for morning preparation: Shit, shower, shave and shine my shoes.

I could see it going a number of different ways.

Thanks,
Confused in lit land

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

I only ever use the 'auto start 1 minute' button on my microwave.

I noticed this morning there are ten other buttons that I've never pushed. The instruction book was used to balance a wonky table long ago. What are these mystery buttons for, and am I missing out on anything?

Yours in 800W

Dear button pusher,

Yeah i think it is time you branch out a bit and start using the microwave for all the purposes it is intended for. Sure it is great for cooking food so fast there is no way that food could be harmful in any way.

But also it is great for drying clothes at a rapid pace. Now you don't want to put a load of laundry in but I have found that drying some boxers or wet sox is very easy to do. Also you don't want to put them in for too long or you might cause a mishap. No one likes mishaps.

I don't use the turn table in mine because it got so damn dirty things were starting to grow on it and well it started staining my laundry. Who needs socks with Hot Pocket juice all over them.

Speaking of Hot Pocket was there a better more deadly treat for you? I loved eating ho pockets. They are my favorite but it didn't matter how long I put them in for one half was piping fucking hot while the other half was ice cold. Inevitably I would always bite into the piping hot one causing me to scream out in pain and literally toss the half bitten Hot Pocket onto the plate as goey cheese was causing 3rd degree burns to the roof of my mouth and my chin.

I settled on 2:20 seconds as being the most optimal time for my pepperoni hot pocket to come out as close to being cooked without causing taste bud loss. It didn't matter my mouth would get burned on first bit and I would end up rolling that piece of burned dead skin on the roof of my mouth with my tongue all day long. I also believe that I set the timer for 2:20 subconscously as an homage to my hero Chuck Wollery.

So please branch out. Start nuking things that you wouldnt normally nuke. You can only eat so much popcorn in your life time.

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

In your opinion, is it possible for a woman to come on too strong to a man? Are there right and wrong ways to flirt?

Regards,
Another Wet Wipes Fan

Dear fan of clean bottoms,

Yes women can come on too strong. Some men find it flattering other men belive they need to protect their pet rabbit from findin it being boiled on their stove. Their is a fine line between flirting and coming across too strong.

Let's say I meet a woman. I am attracted to her, she is attractive, funny, smart has a majority of the traits I look for in a person. We are getting along great. The banter is light, and there is some chemistry there. That happens between two people often enough. Now here is where the lines start to get crossed.

In the first 5 minutes don't start discussing your ex. No one gives a shit. I don't need to hear about how he mis-treated you. Everyone has been mis-treated in some form or fashion.

I also don't need to hear how you want to fuck me after just getting to know me. You understand with all of the cock shots you receive in your PM box. Or at least the wanna see my cock pm's. That probably turns you off. Same goes for a guy with a woman who after the first date has tod us about her ex, how she wants kid, and doesn't like it in the pooper.

Then she spends the next few hours telling you everything she likes about you. You cannot say a word with out her expressing how much she loves the shape of your eye brows, or eyebrow in some guys cases. That is a bit overbearing. It is not like we don't mind compliments, we just don't need to hear them all day.

Now some guys like a woman who works in a strong field, I am one of them for sure. There is something very sexy about a wman who has achieved a very nice career and did it on her own. Shows me the type of charaacter she has. Just don't throw it in my face and tell me how empowered you are by what you have done in your career. Don't dicsuss your career all day everyday. I don't care.

Find the fine line between, fun, flirty, and serious. You do that and all will be well. If you focus on the negative, focus on just him or just yourself then you will en up losing him and questioning why no guy likes a woman that has her act togethwer, when it actuality she is insecure and overcompensates for that by telling us everything she can about herself in the first hour of getting to know each other.

Not funny stuff I know, but what I have found when I used to date out there

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,
I went for my "interview" at his house,
there was a very creepy greasy man there. He said he remembered you, and asked me to give you his phone number, I'll PM it to you later.

I think I passed!
I'll keep you abreast of the situation

LOL oh yes please tell Craig hello for me next time

 

[IhateClowns]

Please answer this for the both of us, because I was accused of this and being intimidating to guys earlier in the week. Starting to think guys just want a glorified glory hole and not a legitimate woman... am I wrong here?

Dear correct,

Yes all a guy wants is a glorified glory hole. We would bedazzle your glory hole like you do t-shirts if you would sit still long enough for the glue to dry. I look at my wife and call her GH for short. She thinks it stands for Gorgeous Honey, but the guys know what t stands for.

 

[littlebabyclit]

Dear fan of clean bottoms,

Yes women can come on too strong. Some men find it flattering other men belive they need to protect their pet rabbit from findin it being boiled on their stove. Their is a fine line between flirting and coming across too strong.

Let's say I meet a woman. I am attracted to her, she is attractive, funny, smart has a majority of the traits I look for in a person. We are getting along great. The banter is light, and there is some chemistry there. That happens between two people often enough. Now here is where the lines start to get crossed.

In the first 5 minutes don't start discussing your ex. No one gives a shit. I don't need to hear about how he mis-treated you. Everyone has been mis-treated in some form or fashion.

I also don't need to hear how you want to fuck me after just getting to know me. You understand with all of the cock shots you receive in your PM box. Or at least the wanna see my cock pm's. That probably turns you off. Same goes for a guy with a woman who after the first date has tod us about her ex, how she wants kid, and doesn't like it in the pooper.

Then she spends the next few hours telling you everything she likes about you. You cannot say a word with out her expressing how much she loves the shape of your eye brows, or eyebrow in some guys cases. That is a bit overbearing. It is not like we don't mind compliments, we just don't need to hear them all day.

Now some guys like a woman who works in a strong field, I am one of them for sure. There is something very sexy about a wman who has achieved a very nice career and did it on her own. Shows me the type of charaacter she has. Just don't throw it in my face and tell me how empowered you are by what you have done in your career. Don't dicsuss your career all day everyday. I don't care.

Find the fine line between, fun, flirty, and serious. You do that and all will be well. If you focus on the negative, focus on just him or just yourself then you will en up losing him and questioning why no guy likes a woman that has her act togethwer, when it actuality she is insecure and overcompensates for that by telling us everything she can about herself in the first hour of getting to know each other.

Not funny stuff I know, but what I have found when I used to date out there

Dear Clowns or should we call you Dr. Phil Clowns,

All humor aside (for a few moments anyways) that is quite sound advice !! Wow. I tend to be naturally effusive and liberally free with compliments and I can now see that could be grating to someone's nerves potentially. I will keep that in mind, for my own purposes.

Keep on clownin...'
LBC

 

[RedPanties]

Dear Clowns,

I'm curious. Are men excited when they find out a woman has an extensive toy and vibrator collection, or do they feel insecure because how can they possibly measure up to an 8 inch naughty toy with rotating beads and a vibrating rabbit ears?

- had to take the batteries out of my remote

 

[Wife of Bath]

Dear Clowns,

I come to you at a difficult juncture in my life.

This morning, I for the first time, made homemade doughnuts.

They are perfect. I glazed them with plain glaze, chocolate glaze, and powdered sugar (respectively). And because I am masochistic, I also fried up all the doughnut holes.

It would take a far more erudite wordsmith than myself to adequately explain how wonderful they are.

To add insult to injury, this afternoon I baked three loaves of fresh white bread. My house smells like heaven. Seriously.

My question is this: to whom can I bestow these treasures? If I leave them here, I will eat them all. If I give them away, I will set a dangerous precedent and they will be spoiled by my baked goods, unable to ingest any inferior products ever again.

Help?

Regards,

MYW

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear IHC,

Thanks so much for you insightful and detailed answer to my last question. I'm a little bit embarrassed, though, as it seems you have surreptitiously planted a webcam in my bathroom.

My next question:

Is this the proper order for morning preparation: Shit, shower, shave and shine my shoes.

I could see it going a number of different ways.

Thanks,
Confused in lit land

Dear Lit lost,

I prefer to pee first. It is amazing because everytime I go to take a shit I have to piss first. it doesn't even matter if I just did. I will still piss even if it is a dribble. Also when i wake up in the mornings the very first thing I will do is pee. I cannot function without pissing first. I suppose it is my version of someone's morning coffee.

Once I have emptied my bladder iam pretty much good to go as far as the rest of my day. I usually shave before I take my shower. I tend to look like a rabbid dog when I shave. It doesn't matter how little a dolop of shaving cream I put in my hand, it produces enough shaving cream to cover my entire face. Shaving gel is all over the bathroom sink and it is just a mess. So I shave first then shower.

I am not sure what shining your shoes is. I don't shine anything. I might take a wet towel to them to clean them off but that is as far as I will go. My shoes get too scuffed up it is time to hit the BOGO at Payless.

So as far as I am concernd, it is Shit, shave, shower and buy new ones.

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

I'm curious. Are men excited when they find out a woman has an extensive toy and vibrator collection, or do they feel insecure because how can they possibly measure up to an 8 inch naughty toy with rotating beads and a vibrating rabbit ears?

- had to take the batteries out of my remote

Dear battery swapper,

I dont find toys to be intimidating. Hell it means less work for me. If I am tired or cum too quickly I can just say enjoy and go make a ham sandwich. I think the men that are intimidated by toys are the ones that think they are good lovers, I on the other hand know I am selfish in bed and once I got mines you better have gotten yours or you will have to try and get off to the cadence of my snoring.

Now realize that you women who are disappointed with your sex life your toys could easily be the reaason for that. No human cock comes with rabbit ears, 20 speeds and his ribbed for her pleasure. So if you are used to mind blowing orgasms due to plastic spinning at 3000 revolutions a second, while littl plastic beeds hit your g-spot and some rubber ears tickle your clit more power to you. However, don't expect my average penis that goes hard and soft every 10 minutes to live up to that hype. It isn't going to happen.

Yes you can have cum over and over from your battery operated pals, but realize when i am inside you I am holding up my own weight while trying to concentrate on Betty White nude as not to cum inside you in 10 seconds flat trying to save some face. Also yur toy doesn't get leg cramps, always stays hard, and doesn't drip sweat on your back as it is rolling it's eyes wondering what is on ESPN right now.

So enjoy your toys. Dont worry about what the guys think about it. Just remember to ask him to plus it in as he happily skips out of the room, after depositing strudel icing all over your belly. All the while you sit there waiting to turn on your toy and hide the tears wondering when the male species is going to grow some rabbit ears above their junk.

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

I come to you at a difficult juncture in my life.

This morning, I for the first time, made homemade doughnuts.

They are perfect. I glazed them with plain glaze, chocolate glaze, and powdered sugar (respectively). And because I am masochistic, I also fried up all the doughnut holes.

It would take a far more erudite wordsmith than myself to adequately explain how wonderful they are.

To add insult to injury, this afternoon I baked three loaves of fresh white bread. My house smells like heaven. Seriously.

My question is this: to whom can I bestow these treasures? If I leave them here, I will eat them all. If I give them away, I will set a dangerous precedent and they will be spoiled by my baked goods, unable to ingest any inferior products ever again.

Help?

Regards,

MYW

Dear needing help,

So to understand what you are asking, you have this Betty Crocker phase going where your house smells like Mrs. Smith's vagina and you are unsure if you should hog it to yourself or share these wonders with others in worry that they will expect you to continue to pass out treats on a regular basis.

So who can you bestow these treasures upon? I would say go down to the homeless section and pass em out. It works a couple of different ways in your favor. They have no idea where you live so you don't have to worry about them knocking at your door wanting more and it also makes you feel pretty good on the inside.

Just make sure of a few things when you do this. Make sure you take them some mayo and ham or something with the bread. Bread by itself is decent, but slap some sandwich meat and some Helman's and well you have just made their day. Also make sure you make the sandwiches prior to passing them out. The last thing the homeless need are knives in their hands when they need money or something.

As for the donuts, I say eat adn enjoy. Everyday, I get 2 donuts and a chocolate milk for breakfast. It is a ritual. They know me there. Donuts are one of my vices. I say you either eat them yourself or send them my way. Then i would never make them again. They are just too yummy to resist and giving them away is almost a heinous crime in my eyes.

Good luck with your dilemma

 

[Cinner]

Dear Clowns,

I like crime shows and he likes the news . What do you do with someone who hijacks the remote when you get up to get him a drink when he visits your house?

-Mad as Hell

 

[Cinner]

Dear Clowns,

What age is too old for a man to be chaperoned by his Mom? Surely 40 falls in that range!

-Bemused