Dear Clowns

[kendra1980]

Dear Clowns,

Do you think that this is true?

http://erooups.com/img/img2/20090903/erotic/daily_erotic_picdump_92_50.jpg

Nat seems to think most men want the smaller woman, not the more curvy size 12.

~I wanna know

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

Do you think that this is true?

http://erooups.com/img/img2/20090903/erotic/daily_erotic_picdump_92_50.jpg

Nat seems to think most men want the smaller woman, not the more curvy size 12.

~I wanna know

Dear wanna know,

Neither of you are correct. Guys want a woman who will say yes at the end of a long night at a bar, or in a grocery store, or wherever else you might meet her. If we take the time to talk to you and get to know you the bottomline is we want to hear yes. Most men and women hide what they look like underneath all those clothes anyway. So we truly don't know what curves or lack there of you have until you timidly walk out of the bathroom for the first time.

So yes maybe most men just like most women want a guy or gal that is most appealing to the general masses, but in the end we want a person we feel attracted to that eventualy said yes.

 

[IhateClowns]

I hope she didn't forget to use the pillow after inserting the Sour Patch Kids and then drown. I wouldn't be able to live with myself

 

[Rosemaryythyme]

Dear Clowns,

How do I find the male version of Mildred?

Sincerely,
your numero uno fan

 

[NawtyShutterBug]

Dear dried up,

There are two things that you are able to do to fix this situation. The first being wait it out. Let the resevoir fill back up. It means you won't be able to have an orgasm for a bit of time but sounds to me like the tank might be empty and need some refueling. There is nothing else you can do to speed up the process though.

You are at the movie theater excited to see Rocky 17 and are waiting in line at the concession stand trying to see exactly how much cash you have and just what you can actually afford to purchase. Hmmmmm Milk Duds? Popcorn? Fuck $6 for a tub of popcorn? Orville can go fuck himself. Mmmmmm there it is. Uh yes ma'am I will have a large coke and a package of Sour Patch Kids. Ok ma'am that will be $48.50. So you now have your treats and when you get into the theater you are siting in the front row with your neck at a seventy-five degree angle as you watch Stallone's leathery body sweat all over you.

So you open the SPK's and you pop the first one in your mouth. What do you do? Your mouth immediately convulses and starts to produce enough saliva to quench the thirst of Africa. All the while you are thinking *Why did I just spent $48 fr some candy that I can only eat 3 of before throwing up on the person to your right*

So I suggest you take that same proces to your hatchet wound. Lay down on your back and prop a pillow under you. Giving you the best angle for entry. Take a handful of these treats and start shoving them up your puss puss. Now your pussy might clench up and start spasming but just wait a little while and she will calm down. Now make sure you have a couch pillow and an extra large blet handy. As soon as you have popped the last one in, immediately place the couch pillow against your coot and stand up holding the pillow in place between your thighs. Then tie the belt up and around the pillow securing it in place.

I normally would have suggested an El Grande Maxi-pad, but this is going to produce enough juices to flood a small village. You are going to need extra absorbency power. Next put on some pants quickly and then lay back down. Now you are going to feel some oozing, just ignore it. That is normal. I might suggest you trim the puss puss hair because it may become matted and the last thing you want is to have something burrow its way in there and make a home.

Now when it is time to take off the pillow please realize it will be quite damp. There might even be a pungent odor you have never smelled before. Just ignore it. I woulso also sugest you throwing the pilow away and probably going ahead and double bagging it just to be safe.

Finally take a baby wipe and clean yourself up. Now that you are ozzing and ready invite your guy friend over. Don't tell him what you have done, just allow him to figure it out for himself. Let him go down on you. Now realize when he does he is essentially licky sour patch kid and pussy juice so when he comes up with a face that scares the hell out of you it isnt you. It is just the intenseness of the SPK's and the effect they are having on him.

As he continues and gets used to it you will start to feel the gush a rising. Don't warn him. When t i time to release just do so. Let him taste the rainbow that is coming out of your tunnel. You will be squirting every type of kool-aid flavor imaginable. You will be healed and he will be sitting there multi-colored with the strangest look on his face.

By the way you might want to put a tarp down. Go Dexter in your house. If you blow with no protection on your furniture and carpets you are liable to have to buy all new carpet and window treatments. That could get costly and well you spent all the money you had going to the movies.

oh my god, i have no words... *laughing so hard I snorted and almost peed at the same time* good thing I wasn't eating any SPK's when I read this...

 

[availableslave2u]

Dear dried up,

There are two things that you are able to do to fix this situation. The first being wait it out. Let the resevoir fill back up. It means you won't be able to have an orgasm for a bit of time but sounds to me like the tank might be empty and need some refueling. There is nothing else you can do to speed up the process though.

You are at the movie theater excited to see Rocky 17 and are waiting in line at the concession stand trying to see exactly how much cash you have and just what you can actually afford to purchase. Hmmmmm Milk Duds? Popcorn? Fuck $6 for a tub of popcorn? Orville can go fuck himself. Mmmmmm there it is. Uh yes ma'am I will have a large coke and a package of Sour Patch Kids. Ok ma'am that will be $48.50. So you now have your treats and when you get into the theater you are siting in the front row with your neck at a seventy-five degree angle as you watch Stallone's leathery body sweat all over you.

So you open the SPK's and you pop the first one in your mouth. What do you do? Your mouth immediately convulses and starts to produce enough saliva to quench the thirst of Africa. All the while you are thinking *Why did I just spent $48 fr some candy that I can only eat 3 of before throwing up on the person to your right*

So I suggest you take that same proces to your hatchet wound. Lay down on your back and prop a pillow under you. Giving you the best angle for entry. Take a handful of these treats and start shoving them up your puss puss. Now your pussy might clench up and start spasming but just wait a little while and she will calm down. Now make sure you have a couch pillow and an extra large blet handy. As soon as you have popped the last one in, immediately place the couch pillow against your coot and stand up holding the pillow in place between your thighs. Then tie the belt up and around the pillow securing it in place.

I normally would have suggested an El Grande Maxi-pad, but this is going to produce enough juices to flood a small village. You are going to need extra absorbency power. Next put on some pants quickly and then lay back down. Now you are going to feel some oozing, just ignore it. That is normal. I might suggest you trim the puss puss hair because it may become matted and the last thing you want is to have something burrow its way in there and make a home.

Now when it is time to take off the pillow please realize it will be quite damp. There might even be a pungent odor you have never smelled before. Just ignore it. I woulso also sugest you throwing the pilow away and probably going ahead and double bagging it just to be safe.

Finally take a baby wipe and clean yourself up. Now that you are ozzing and ready invite your guy friend over. Don't tell him what you have done, just allow him to figure it out for himself. Let him go down on you. Now realize when he does he is essentially licky sour patch kid and pussy juice so when he comes up with a face that scares the hell out of you it isnt you. It is just the intenseness of the SPK's and the effect they are having on him.

As he continues and gets used to it you will start to feel the gush a rising. Don't warn him. When t i time to release just do so. Let him taste the rainbow that is coming out of your tunnel. You will be squirting every type of kool-aid flavor imaginable. You will be healed and he will be sitting there multi-colored with the strangest look on his face.

By the way you might want to put a tarp down. Go Dexter in your house. If you blow with no protection on your furniture and carpets you are liable to have to buy all new carpet and window treatments. That could get costly and well you spent all the money you had going to the movies.

holy hell clowns, this one is one for the 'best of clowns'. i couldn't read this one to mom. she kept asking me 'what's so funny'. i told her that i'd tell her in a minute. then i switched the subject. thanks for the good laugh!

 

[availableslave2u]

dear clowns,
do you think the hokey pokey is really what it's all about? and either way, could you explain to me what the hell the hokey pokey is?
clueless about hp

 

[Cinner]

Dear Clowns,

What's wrong with having imaginary friends? I detected a little scepticism in one of your early responses. Is there anything wrong with having multiple personalities online?

-Cin

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

How do I find the male version of Mildred?

Sincerely,
your numero uno fan

Dear elderly catcher,

It really isn't difficult to lure yourself an elderly man. JUst frequent a couple of spots that they are known to visit and you will be rolling in Ben Gay and cash in no time.

You could start out by going to the local gas station that has a small greasy food court in it. Seems like they like to hang out with 4 of their friends talking about the same fish they caught 25 years ago. Sipping on their coffee and complaining about their wives.

Then make a trip over to the race track. There are plenty of old folks betting the horses. Just go in there and pretend like you don't know waht you are doing. You might have to speak up because their Beltone's are turned down due to the over speaker system being so loud. Make sure you compliment him on his suspenders. they like that.

Finally go to nusring homes. they are closer to death and are not in the right mind when it comes to changing their wills. You can get them to change them between bingo and arts and crafts. You can hang out there, watch Judge shows on the tv and jut wait for him to croak. Be prepared to have that Ghost moment in pottery class. Try not to get goosebumps when you feel his cold boney fingers wrap into yours as he sits behind you while you two make a vase for the flowers that he will have at his funeral. Remember he has osteoporosis so you cant stay in the position for too long, but the memory will be ever lasting, or until he bingos later that evening.

Good luck with finding Mr. Right for the picking.

 

[IhateClowns]

oh my god, i have no words... *laughing so hard I snorted and almost peed at the same time* good thing I wasn't eating any SPK's when I read this...

Yeah you would have shorted out your computer with spewing that much saliva. To think you almost snorted and peed. You might of needed that couch pillow after all.

 

[IhateClowns]

holy hell clowns, this one is one for the 'best of clowns'. i couldn't read this one to mom. she kept asking me 'what's so funny'. i told her that i'd tell her in a minute. then i switched the subject. thanks for the good laugh!

I think you should share this with your Mom and explain to her what squirting is if she doesn't know. Makes for great dinner table conversation.

 

[IhateClowns]

dear clowns,
do you think the hokey pokey is really what it's all about? and either way, could you explain to me what the hell the hokey pokey is?
clueless about hp

Dear clueless,
The Hokey Pokey was a dance created by the white man. Since we have no rhythm what so ever we needed a dance that was easy to follow and alowed us to look like we were dancing. Have you seen most white men dance? Look like we are going into an epileptic seizure, or we do the elbows tucked in side step back and forth.

Think about it. Besides maybe the electric slide there isn't another line dance out there for people that aren't white. We have no rhythm and well the white folks that think they have rhythm are clearly decendents of Benjamin Franklin.

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

What's wrong with having imaginary friends? I detected a little scepticism in one of your early responses. Is there anything wrong with having multiple personalities online?

-Cin

No there is nothing wrong with it. I think there is a little bit of Cybil in all of us. I don't mind the multiple personalities online, but I cannot deal with the guy that lives in his Grandma's basement slamming down Mountain Dews while portraying a 24 year old blonde hai blue eyed gorgeous woman.

That to me is a bit creepy. I don't get it. I don't understand the mindset of someone doing that. Here is a guy who clearly cannot get laid on his own so he decides to create a persona of the ideal gierl he wants and picks up guys with it? That is a bit creepy.

Don't get m wrong. I am sure most people on the internet do not portray who they really are. That is the beauty of this place. We can really be whoever we want to be. I am actually a 48 year old housewive with 7 kids. I won this computer at a raffle at my VFW.

 

[msmaggie]

those are only distributed to the elite members of the fan club along with the silicone life size replica suitable for mounting (also makes a great gift) though it does have to be shipped bulk rate

Ok,no one told me about the free gift. How does one become an elite member of the club?

 

[IhateClowns]

Ok,no one told me about the free gift. How does one become an elite member of the club?

Is that a question for me? If so I have blocked that memory permanently. I now drink everyday and walk with a limp.

 

[availableslave2u]

dear clowns,
should i get my nipples pierced? what do you think about nipple piercings? do you have anything pierced?
curious about piercings

 

[BradBigBrain]

Dear IHateClowns,

Your answer to dried up was awe-inspiring. I have printed it out and had it laminated. I carry it around in my wallet...just in case.

I was wondering if you had similar tips for us men. You know those of us who would simply like to have a cum-gusher like Peter North.

Thanks,
Not Asking for Much

 

[msmaggie]

Is that a question for me? If so I have blocked that memory permanently. I now drink everyday and walk with a limp.

That was actually directed at Ryan, but perhaps you have some influence with him? Or maybe any ideas for me?

 

[availableslave2u]

dear clowns,
do you whistle when you work?
curious

 

[IhateClowns]

dear clowns,
should i get my nipples pierced? what do you think about nipple piercings? do you have anything pierced?
curious about piercings

Dear curious,

If you are just curious about getting your nipples pierced then I would have to say no. It also depends on where you are going to get them pierced and by whom. I think if you are just curious that you continue to do your research. Maybe grab a clip board go to the mall and ask people if they want to take a survey. Those people are just awesome. I already hate going to the mall, but why should I have to pretend to be on my cell phone to dodge little girls wanting me to take a survey or the Hindu fella trying to rub warm lotion on my hands? So grab a clip board and ask random women if their nipples are pierced. I would stand in front of Fredericks of Hollywood as their clientele most likely have more piercing than those of JC Penny or Sears.

I suggest if you are going to get anything pierced below the neckline you don't do it at one of those Claire Boutique's piercing places at the mall. It is completely awkward to be walking past Cinnabon drinking an Orange Julius,to be startled by a blood curdling scream. Then look into Claires and see some woman's tit hanging out wit a nail being driven through it. Nothing upsets my shopping experience more then that.

So I suggest you find a seedy tattoo piercing parlor. Preferably one with bars on the windows and lots of Harleys in the parking lot. Those guys know how to not only handle needles but you know their hands are soft as butter before you ever have to worry about them fondling your nipple or clit.

Once inside ask Critter if he is a professional. If he has a mullet I am 90% sure he is a professional. If he is wearing jean shorts and army boots don't even bother to ask, sit down and let him do what he was born to do. Have him show you some of his work that he has done. Make sure you do your homework and get the right person to do the piercing. The last thing you want is some rookie to put a piece of steel through your nipple, have him miss and pierce your heart. I highly doubt you want your Mom seeing you on the 10pm news dead from a nipple piercing mishap.

Also it depends on why you want to get your nipples pierced. Are you looking for a place to hang your keys when you get home? Are your breasts large enough that you can suck your own nipples and you want to heighten that pleasure?

These are wuestions you are going to need to think about. It is a big decision. You can't go back on it half way through the procedure. I would also ask your insurance if they cover the procedure. Insurance policies are crazy and if they ask why you need it tell them that it will make your sex life better, which will make you happier, which will result in you living a fuller happier, healthier life.

Good luck

 

[IhateClowns]

That was actually directed at Ryan, but perhaps you have some influence with him? Or maybe any ideas for me?

Oh I know it was I have NO influence over him and his not so well kept secret. The only idea I have is for you to pull a Chaz Bono and drop the soap in front of him.

Good luck

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear IHateClowns,

Your answer to dried up was awe-inspiring. I have printed it out and had it laminated. I carry it around in my wallet...just in case.

I was wondering if you had similar tips for us men. You know those of us who would simply like to have a cum-gusher like Peter North.

Thanks,
Not Asking for Much

Dear asking very little,

I am glad that the lack of gushing answer has helped you out. Apparently it helped quite a few people out considering the posts and PM's received on it.

As for guys and their issues, I can only suggest a few things, but first we need to understand why you might want to cum in gallons. Are you looking to be your own Bukkake video? Looking to cover her entire face in pancake batter or just enough to keep eye contact?

Help me understand why you would want more clean up to do as most of us guys hate to clean anything up. My goal is to be able to cum dust at some point. Just jerk off and when I reach the edge just a cloud of smoke puffs out. Then I won't have to worry about any clean up. I have a t-shirt that I kep by my bed that doesn't need a hanger anymore because it stands on end.

maybe I am just lazy, or maybe I AM lazy, but the very last thing I want to do after dropping oysters on her stomach is to get up go get a warm towel and clean her up. Wouldnt it be great to pull out, let out a battle cry, grab the base of your cock give it a squeeze and then pooooof. A cloud of dust or smoke pops outs. It gently falls onto her. You roll over and by the time she stands up to dust off you are already snoring. What could be better.

The only draw back I could see with this is she might have to wear safety goggle in order not to get any dust particles in her eye, but then again if you are wanting to bukkake then she might want to wear a Jason Mask anyway.

Good luck

 

[IhateClowns]

dear clowns,
do you whistle when you work?
curious

Dear curious,

No I do not whistle while I work. I have a severe lisp and when I try to whistle I end up just dribbling spit down my chin. I have a coaches whistle that I keep around my neck at all times so whenever I need the channel changed on the TV or something to drink I just use that.

 

[kendra1980]

Dear Clowns,

I don't recall if this has been asked before, and if it has, my apologies...

but, does size really matter? And who does it matter most to? I mean if someone is suffering from micropenis, I'm sure THAT size would matter, but I'm more talking the normal vs flagpole argument?

~another thing I wanna know

 

[Rosemaryythyme]

Dear curious,

No I do not whistle while I work. I have a severe lisp and when I try to whistle I end up just dribbling spit down my chin. I have a coaches whistle that I keep around my neck at all times so whenever I need the channel changed on the TV or something to drink I just use that.

ahahahahah

i think i just cracked a rib i laughed so hard