Dear Clowns

[Aquagal]

Dear Clowns?

You're a redhead?

Confused in my igloo

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns?

You're a redhead?

Confused in my igloo

Have you ever seen me without a hat? I am a fiery redhead under this dome and yes the carpet matches the curtains. I have a freckle on my shoulder to prove it.

 

[Aquagal]

Have you ever seen me without a hat? I am a fiery redhead under this dome and yes the carpet matches the curtains. I have a freckle on my shoulder to prove it.

This is news to me! Your hair appears brown on my little iPad. Oh Ill bet you can't tan either.

 

[Golden_Silence]

Dear Clowns....

As I am the wrong side of the pond, I don't get to know all of what is going on in the NFL and I need to lay some serious cash down as to who is gonna reach and then ultimately win the Bowl in February?

So, I want to know: Who will be the semi finalists and then the winners from each?

I got £10 burning a hole in my pocket here - I need your help

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns....

As I am the wrong side of the pond, I don't get to know all of what is going on in the NFL and I need to lay some serious cash down as to who is gonna reach and then ultimately win the Bowl in February?

So, I want to know: Who will be the semi finalists and then the winners from each?

I got £10 burning a hole in my pocket here - I need your help

Dear on golden pond,

You have $10 to wage against the world huh? If I were you I wouldn't bet on the bowl game you speak of. Instead I would invest in some of those penny stocks that are on the radio over here all the time.

Imagine putting your money into a stock that is currently .02 cents then that stock goes up a penny. Wow you are now talking big bucks. Imagine not eating top ramen anymore. Imagine yachts and fish eggs on Melba toast. Drinking the finest boxed wines you can imagine.

Fuck the bowl game. Everyone knows the packers are gonna win. Invest that $10 heavily and wave down at me as your jet flies over OKC sometime.

 

[IhateClowns]

This is news to me! Your hair appears brown on my little iPad. Oh Ill bet you can't tan either.

Nope. I just change the contrast on my screen. I even have freckles on my schmeckle.

 

[IhateClowns]

This is news to me! Your hair appears brown on my little iPad. Oh Ill bet you can't tan either.

I tried that spray on tan but my fingers and cuticles look like I have been eating Cheetos by the fist full.

 

[BradBigBrain]

Dear Clowns,

You're a suave and debonair kinda guy. I need your advice. With it less than 2 weeks away from Christmas, do you think I should shop at tiffany.com or pajamagram.com?

Thanks.
Your loyal servant

 

[Aquagal]

I tried that spray on tan but my fingers and cuticles look like I have been eating Cheetos by the fist full.

Eat Cheetos and rub hands on body. Instant tan! And get full too.

 

[Jen_fla]

Dear Clowns,

I realize that this thread is ostensibly Ann Landers for men, but since I've written Ann several times and she hasn't published my letter (perhaps because she's dead) I must turn to you.

Some time back, on a long airport layover in Denver, I met a man who was flying to my city on business. We sat together on the flight and had a marvelous time chatting and getting to know one another.

When we landed, he offered me a ride home and I accepted (save some cab fare, you know). He detoured to his hotel and invited me up to his room. I was wise enough to say no, but we did end up having mutual oral sex in his car.

Now, given that I'm married (as he is), I feel suitably guilty about it, but not so much that I wish it undone.

He's contacted me now to tell me he's going to be in my area in a few weeks and would like to have dinner. I would enjoy that - he's sweet and funny and fun. But given the fact that I thouroughly enjoyed having his adorable penis in my mouth, I'd say the odds are pretty good that we'd repeat our earlier behaviour.

Thus, my dilemma is this: Should I insist that dinner be Dutch Treat? And should I wear that cute little cocktail dress of mine or something more casual?

Thanks in Advance for any help you can offer.

J

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

You're a suave and debonair kinda guy. I need your advice. With it less than 2 weeks away from Christmas, do you think I should shop at tiffany.com or pajamagram.com?

Thanks.
Your loyal servant

Dear loyal man,

Might I suggest killing two birds with one stone. Shove some footie pajamas in one of those overly priced light blue boxes. Imagine her face when you pull that box from behind your back. The realization of what that blue box means. Never ever thinking that blue box won't allow you to pay the electricity bill for the next two months thus causing your heat to go out and you die of hypothermia, but I digress.

Then to have her open that box and watch her face as those Snoopy footie pajamas SPRING out of the box like a cannon causing her to have a black eye. That look of utter disgust that not only does she now have a black eye but that you didn't buy her anything from Tiffany's.

Sure she will be heart broken. Sure she will be pissed and you will be sleeping on the couch. Well at first that is. Because once she starts wearing those footie PJ's she will realize that they ate the most comfortable things in the world. She will secretly be trying I figure out how to wear them to te grocery store and even to church.

Finally she will see that you meant well by the gift. Thy it was a metaphor for you wanting to hug and comfort her. Be there for her when she needs you. Then ou will get to have make-up sex. She might even let you stick it in her pooper. Just realize that your imagination will have to be working over drive, because as we all know no one wants to fuck a chick with a black eye.

 

[IhateClowns]

Eat Cheetos and rub hands on body. Instant tan! And get full too.

Yeah I think that is how thale old neighbor lady on "There's Something About Mary" got her overall tan. I just need to make sure I eat them with boxers on. I don't want an all over tan. I would end up getting cheeto dust on my penis. I would then end up looking around making sure no one can see me and then flipping my legs up over my hea trying to eat one more Cheeto I shouldn't be trying to eat.

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

I realize that this thread is ostensibly Ann Landers for men, but since I've written Ann several times and she hasn't published my letter (perhaps because she's dead) I must turn to you.

Some time back, on a long airport layover in Denver, I met a man who was flying to my city on business. We sat together on the flight and had a marvelous time chatting and getting to know one another.

When we landed, he offered me a ride home and I accepted (save some cab fare, you know). He detoured to his hotel and invited me up to his room. I was wise enough to say no, but we did end up having mutual oral sex in his car.

Now, given that I'm married (as he is), I feel suitably guilty about it, but not so much that I wish it undone.

He's contacted me now to tell me he's going to be in my area in a few weeks and would like to have dinner. I would enjoy that - he's sweet and funny and fun. But given the fact that I thouroughly enjoyed having his adorable penis in my mouth, I'd say the odds are pretty good that we'd repeat our earlier behaviour.

Thus, my dilemma is this: Should I insist that dinner be Dutch Treat? And should I wear that cute little cocktail dress of mine or something more casual?

Thanks in Advance for any help you can offer.

J

Dear been trying to ask the wrong person,

First off Ann Landers is a hack. Yeah that is right stay at home moms who read Ann Landers and Cathy comic strips I said it. She is a hack. Oh wait you Sao she is dead? Oh dear God!!! I hope she didn't take her own advice. That would be ironically sad.

So back to you. Let me clear on thing up right off the top. NO penis is adorable. NO penis should ever be alled adorable. Toddlers and Tiaras are adorable. Especially their moms but a penis? A penis is majestic. A penis is handsome. A penis is grand. Wait the only way I can see a penis being adorable is if it is tiny. So are you saying your layover man is packing a thimble?

Why on earth would you want a man that ha a penis the size of a sewing tool? That doesn't sound very filling unless your are into grinding. I that it? Are you as him grinders? Almost like lesbians scissoring I suppose. You two rubbing your clits together? So what does he do with the balls then? Does he tuck them?

I am curious about this relationship. Don't you worry about chaffing when grinding so much or do you guy throw a painters tarp down and go industrial size on the baby oil as not to cause a fire? That is kind of hot actually.

So should you see him? Absolutely why not. He sounds like a dreamboat to me. I think it is great you met on a plane. Only thing I ever caught on a plane was the swine flu.

Good luck to the both of you and let me know how the scissoring, er I mean dry humping goes.

 

[IhateClowns]

Yeah I think that is how thale old neighbor lady on "There's Something About Mary" got her overall tan. I just need to make sure I eat them with boxers on. I don't want an all over tan. I would end up getting cheeto dust on my penis. I would then end up looking around making sure no one can see me and then flipping my legs up over my hea trying to eat one more Cheeto I shouldn't be trying to eat.

Just tried it and kept rolling off the bed. Now my lower back huts. I blame my wife. It is easier that way

 

[Aquagal]

Just tried it and kept rolling off the bed. Now my lower back huts. I blame my wife. It is easier that way

I know all about rolling off the bed. I can't blame the Cheetos or trying to lick them off my genitals though.

 

[IhateClowns]

I know all about rolling off the bed. I can't blame the Cheetos or trying to lick them off my genitals though.

Is one of the few times I am jealous of my dog.

 

[Aquagal]

Is one of the few times I am jealous of my dog.

Ya.....But isn't it like a mini chihuahua or something?

 

[IhateClowns]

Ya.....But isn't it like a mini chihuahua or something?

You saying I have a pinky penis?????

 

[Aquagal]

You saying I have a pinky penis?????

Lol. I've not been honored to see if you have a nub or not. But you did mention being jealous of the dog. That would be extra hard having to reach a nub now that I think about it.

 

[IhateClowns]

Lol. I've not been honored to see if you have a nub or not. But you did mention being jealous of the dog. That would be extra hard having to reach a nub now that I think about it.

I am jealous of the dog because I wish when I got excited my penis would look like a tube of lipstick thus hopefully attracting the wanting lips of a female looking for some lip moisture

 

[Aquagal]

I am jealous of the dog because I wish when I got excited my penis would look like a tube of lipstick thus hopefully attracting the wanting lips of a female looking for some lip moisture

I think wifey might come away looking like this.

http://m1032.photobucket.com/image/...e166/lips/rainbow-lipstick-chick.jpg.html?o=7

 

[IhateClowns]

I think wifey might come away looking like this.

http://m1032.photobucket.com/image/...e166/lips/rainbow-lipstick-chick.jpg.html?o=7

Hell I might end up looking like that if I could remove a run or two.

 

[Farrah]

Dear Clowns,

I'm new to Lit and to forums in general. A month ago, I had never heard the terms "troll" or "alt." I admire your straight shooting. So, can you tell me what the hell trolls and alts are and why they exist???

 

[IloveClowns]

Dear Clowns,

I'm new to Lit and to forums in general. A month ago, I had never heard the terms "troll" or "alt." I admire your straight shooting. So, can you tell me what the hell trolls and alts are and why they exist???

Dear Buttfucked in Virginia,

I think I am going to hijack this thread from that whiny douche IHC and answer this one for him.

An ALT is the loser form of someone on lit that has nothing better to do then not be themselves. They get bored with posting the same old shit and decide to invent themselves as someone else. Usually women who onlyhave one pic of themselves or what seems like a fake AV are usually asshole guys who have nothing better to do with their lives then sit in their underwear, drink grape kool-aid and fuck with people.

I have been accused of being an ALT for quite awhile and even though I have clearly stated I am not people just don't want to beleive it. I have been accused of being an ALT ever since I started a thread called The ALT thread. Yeah stupid thread choice I know. I was just trying to start a thread to out some of these dickheads that are ALTS on here. It has backfired on me big time. I got so upset by it I got an eating disorder.

Now i have no idea what a troll is. I Know my mom used to play with them when she was in elementary school. She had me when she was 14 by the way. I assume a troll on here is someone who goes aroun wreaking havoc and inulting everyone"s intelligence. I don't like people like that. I am a member of Mensa and take my smarts very seriously. I don't like to be fucked with mentally.

Oh look a shiny object....

BYE

 

[Farrah]

Dear Buttfucked in Virginia,

I think I am going to hijack this thread from that whiny douche IHC and answer this one for him.

An ALT is the loser form of someone on lit that has nothing better to do then not be themselves. They get bored with posting the same old shit and decide to invent themselves as someone else. Usually women who onlyhave one pic of themselves or what seems like a fake AV are usually asshole guys who have nothing better to do with their lives then sit in their underwear, drink grape kool-aid and fuck with people.

I have been accused of being an ALT for quite awhile and even though I have clearly stated I am not people just don't want to beleive it. I have been accused of being an ALT ever since I started a thread called The ALT thread. Yeah stupid thread choice I know. I was just trying to start a thread to out some of these dickheads that are ALTS on here. It has backfired on me big time. I got so upset by it I got an eating disorder.

Now i have no idea what a troll is. I Know my mom used to play with them when she was in elementary school. She had me when she was 14 by the way. I assume a troll on here is someone who goes aroun wreaking havoc and inulting everyone"s intelligence. I don't like people like that. I am a member of Mensa and take my smarts very seriously. I don't like to be fucked with mentally.

Oh look a shiny object....

BYE

Sorry to hear about your eating disorder and your apparent ADD. I, too, like shiny objects and dislike brain fuckage. Thanks for taking the time to address my confusion. BTW, please be jealous...I have a tree decked out in shiny things.