dealing with dishonesty

[tolyk]

"And, wouldn't you know, I beat myself up for not asking the right questions, as though I should be expected to know what questions to ask."

LJ, this is exactly how my ex was, and is now. She won't lie to a direct question, but I know her well enough to know when she's avoiding something. She gets really vague while talking. Like, if she has a date, even though we are seperated, she'll say she's spending time with a friend.

Her vagueness annoys me, because we're still close friends, yet she disrespects me by skirting an issue rather than just telling me. I tell her everything, and she repays me by being silly.

I'm a very honest, blunt and upfront person. If there is something that I don't want to share, I'll just say it straight out (That I don't want to share it that is) and if the person I'm with can't handle that fact, that is their problem, not mine. (It is _very_ rare that there is something that I wouldnt' share though)

 

[LadyJeanne]

"And, wouldn't you know, I beat myself up for not asking the right questions, as though I should be expected to know what questions to ask."

LJ, this is exactly how my ex was, and is now. She won't lie to a direct question, but I know her well enough to know when she's avoiding something. She gets really vague while talking. Like, if she has a date, even though we are seperated, she'll say she's spending time with a friend.

Her vagueness annoys me, because we're still close friends, yet she disrespects me by skirting an issue rather than just telling me. I tell her everything, and she repays me by being silly.

I'm a very honest, blunt and upfront person. If there is something that I don't want to share, I'll just say it straight out (That I don't want to share it that is) and if the person I'm with can't handle that fact, that is their problem, not mine. (It is _very_ rare that there is something that I wouldnt' share though)

Yep - that's the MO. Vagueness, maybe a change of subject. Got my antennae up, but when I didn't know what was behind the vagueness, I had to keep asking questions.

Whether is a straight-out lie or an omission of truth, the intent is to deceive.

 

[Softouch911]

In my limited experience (myself, friends, hearsay, the usual) men who wouldn't tell their SO a lie about most things will lie about cheating, especially of the casual, short-term stand variety.

My guess (strictly that) is that it has a lot to do with ego. Men don't want to admit that they were weak enough to break his promise of monogamy, especially to someone like a SO who knows most or all of hisweaknesses -- it makes him feel weak that he didn't keep his promise and like a jerk, no matter how justified he feels in his private rationalizing.

And it's worse if he is asked, because now he knows he's done something to give a hint and he's close to being caught sneaking. No man wants to be seen as a sneak because he wants to think of himself as brave and upfront and in the right.

For many men, lying in that situation is a reflex like it wouldn't be in any other.

Of course there are a lot of variables, like being married to HIllary Clinton, but that's my $.02.


Softie -- hunting for change

 

[Huckleman2000]

Yes. I probably would keep silent. It's not a matter of sparing myself from being the bearer of bad news, it's more a matter of that's something between them.

Exactly. One never knows the whole story of what's between two other people, and sometimes you just have to draw a line and say "It's not my business to get involved."

I also agree with the other posters who said that forgiveness is something you do for yourself - the relationship with the other person is forever changed, and it's not as if it's going to be put back to square one if they say 2 "Our Fathers", 2 "Hail Marys", and 5 "Glory Be's". It's important to forgive, but it's not as though that is a gift from you to the other person. It's more of an internal reconciliation.

The issue is that there has been a disruption in the balance of the relationship, and you have to decide if or when you think the balance is something you value again. You've learned something - you were putting more into it than he was, from your point of view. Now you have to figure out if that is because of a difference in values, or personalities, or whatever, and what that means to you in how you deal with him in the future.

I don't know if this is at all relevant, but there's an excellent book called "After the Affair" that deals with the issue of mutual trust in a couple after one of them has been unfaithful. It's been a few years since I read it, but I remember it had some good advice.