D/s & Jealousy

[InfraBlue]

Hello all! You can spank me now. I'm new here.

I have a question about a D/s relationship I'm starting. I'm D, and I'm crazy about her. I've never been in a relationship where I felt so much for my partner.

I think that's the problem, see, I've become very very jealous about her. The relationship's just starting and I really have no right to feel this way, but I get jealous when she even talks in lifestyle chat rooms. She likes to flirt too, so that doesn't help.

The thing is, she doesn't seem to be jealous of anything I do. I can flirt away, do anything I want, and it doesn't bother her at all. And that makes me feel like maybe she doesn't feel about me the same way I feel about her.

I don't want to talk to her about this yet, cause it's a new relationship, and I'm kind of ashamed of my jealousy. I mean, we're not a 24/7 D/s, and we don;t live together.

Anyhow, what I was curious about is whether in your experience there's a difference in levels of jealousy betwen D's and s's. Do D's get more jealous because they're possessive? Or do s's get more jealous because they're committed, or what?

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

Maybe you and she just aren't looking for the same thing? I know this is an issue that I have had to deal with in and out of the 'lifestyle'. The conclusions I came to were 1) it was too early to be exclusive, 2) since we weren't exclusive, we were both free to do what we wanted, 3) if ever the point comes when we did get exclusive, I knew she and I would come to that conclusiion together, not just because one of us wanted it, and 4) giving her shit over it would not only be unfair, but would also damage the relationship and friendship we DID have.


I don't know if this helps...

 

[FungiUg]

There's no set formula for D/s relationships. Like every other relationship, it works based on the needs, wants, desires and personalities actually involved.

I can't stress enough: communication. You need to talk to your submissive (the other person in this relationship) and work out a way for the relationship to work that you are both happy with.

She may be thrilled to hear about your possessiveness! But you will never know until you talk to her about it.

Whatever you do, don't go into this with some preconceived notion of "this is how all D/s relationships work." All relationships are different. You need to find the key that will help yours work best. And to do that... you need to talk to your partner.

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

<snip> I don't want to talk to her about this yet, cause it's a new relationship, and I'm kind of ashamed of my jealousy. I mean, we're not a 24/7 D/s, and we don;t live together.<snip>

Hi there!

First off, let me welcome you to Lit. I'm your friendly neighborhood submissive Librarian, and i'll throw a shameless plug in here for our wonderful BDSM Library, it's loaded with threads on all SORTS of wonderful topics. Check it out!

Now, back to your topic. I was just having a discussion with my Sir on this very thing last night. Communication is SO important, right from the beginning of the relationship.

You say:

"I don't want to talk to her about this yet, cause it's a new relationship"

IMHO, you should be talking to her about this BECAUSE it's a new relationship...get my drift??? Get your cards out on the table, make sure you both are talking the same kind of fruit (apples and apples LOL) to use all the silly cliches...

You know...it's the same for any kind of relationship, not just D/s. But IMHO, i think it's more important for D/sers to have the lines of communication open and free from bullshit, because of the trust levels required between Dom and sub. So, there's my two cents. I hope that you get things sorted out

Again Welcome. I look forward to seeing lots of posts from you so we can get to know you!

~anelize

 

[psiberzerker]

Carefull there, IB, you don't want to give that kind of power to your nominal submissive. Anyone gets jealouse of me, and I use it against them. She may be able to top from the bottom like that, and you'd be relatively powerless. That's too much leverage to give her unless you want her to use it.

 

[SexyChele]

My first Dom was extremely jealous of me. And he didn't have to say a word - it came out in everything he did or said when other potentially threatening males were around.

Okay, this is coming from some one who rarely experiences jealousy but has had jealous partners. Take it for what it's worth, k?

I wouldn't say anything right now. Chances are if she finds out you are that jealous this early in the relationship, she might bolt. It's scary to have some one who is jealous right from the beginning. I know I would leave.

But....you need to look into the idea of why you are jealous. Jealousy, more often than not, is simply insecurity coming to the forefront. When one feels insecure in a relationship, one developes jealousy. So my question to you would be: what are you insecure about in your relationship with this woman? You state that she doesn't get jealous and this leads you to wonder if she feels as strongly towards you as you do to her. Well, how does she act towards you in other ways? Is she loving? Is she affectionate? Do you have more in common than the lifestyle or sex? Displays of jealousy are not signs of deep feelings!

Look at it this way: perhaps she feels so secure and comfortable with you that she feel no need to get jealous. Perhaps she is just the type that doesn't get jealous, period. I'm the former. If I'm in a relationship where I feel secure and cared for, I'm pretty open to what he does. Whatever you do, don't try to "make" her jealous! I've had this done before, too. It doesn't work. It only shows how truly immature jealousy can make one act.

Look at yourself, deep within you. What is it about this relationship that leaves you feeling insecure. You will have to ask yourself some hard questions - and give difficult answers. Do it. And then once you have figured out where the jealousy is coming from, talk to her openly.

Oh, and if it really bugs you that she flirts with other men, let her know this. If you are in a D/s relationship, that shouldn't be too hard, right? Seriously, though, I like to flirt and have fun with other men (more in person than online, though). However, if the man I am with has issues with that, and lets me know, then I have no problems backing off. After all, the relationship I have with him is far more important than any momentary flirtation.

Look at yourself first. Then discuss.

Good luck!

 

[FungiUg]

Actually, that's a good point about scaring someone off. There is such a thing as too much communication! I remember as a teen I was very intense, largely because I would blurt out everything about myself to anyone who cared to listen.

So I guess you need to approach the subject in a non-threatening way.

 

[lark sparrow]

The thing is, she doesn't seem to be jealous of anything I do. I can flirt away, do anything I want, and it doesn't bother her at all. And that makes me feel like maybe she doesn't feel about me the same way I feel about her.

I don't want to talk to her about this yet, cause it's a new relationship, and I'm kind of ashamed of my jealousy. I mean, we're not a 24/7 D/s, and we don;t live together.

Anyhow, what I was curious about is whether in your experience there's a difference in levels of jealousy betwen D's and s's. Do D's get more jealous because they're possessive? Or do s's get more jealous because they're committed, or what?

It doesn't sound as though you have an exclusive relationship and as she is not even aware of your feelings, nor reacting to your testing in ways you'd like, it seems like a bit of open and direct communication would be good to progress or at least clarify things. It could be she simply isn't a jealous person, isn't aware of your desires or she may not share your feelings in making the relationship exclusive.

In my experience, the different levels in jealousy are individual to each person regardless of status. If there is no commitment to be exclusive, one may still feel jealous but I would consider it a personal problem to an extent. I also agree on the power issue - which is neither right or wrong, but not terribly D to her s, and probably cannot be changed through the games people play in uncertainty. Patience and reasonable expectations might help too.

 

[Shadowsdream]

Jealousy weakens relationships and destroys them. Jealousy is not a compliment. It is not a sign of positive emotion.
A D/s relationship will not survive jealousy long term.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Jealousy weakens relationships and destroys them. Jealousy is not a compliment. It is not a sign of positive emotion.
A D/s relationship will not survive jealousy long term.

I agree. Jealousy is a control mechanism.

 

[FungiUg]

Technically, I would rate jealousy as an emotion. It can be used to control, and can cause problems, sure. But any emotion without limits can cause problems (anger is another classic, so in envy, greed, um... any other deadly sins?)

If someone lets their jealousy get out of control, then it would destabalise a relationship. Similarly with passion, or grief, or...

But is jealousy by itself a bad thing? It's just an emotion. Like any other.

I think those of us who don't feel jealousy (myself included) should be very wary of criticising those who do, since it's not a problem we have had to deal with and face.

 

[Ebonyfire]

I think those of us who don't feel jealousy (myself included) should be very wary of criticising those who do, since it's not a problem we have had to deal with and face.

I think we all here are free to post our opinions. If individuals see that as criticism, then they need to go somewhere else.

 

[SexyChele]

Technically, I would rate jealousy as an emotion. It can be used to control, and can cause problems, sure. But any emotion without limits can cause problems (anger is another classic, so in envy, greed, um... any other deadly sins?)

If someone lets their jealousy get out of control, then it would destabalise a relationship. Similarly with passion, or grief, or...

But is jealousy by itself a bad thing? It's just an emotion. Like any other.

I think those of us who don't feel jealousy (myself included) should be very wary of criticising those who do, since it's not a problem we have had to deal with and face.

I had not meant my post to be a criticism. In fact, I've had to deal with jealousy before, so I would never say I am some one who never experiences it. But it is not a good feeling. It makes one feel anxious, upset, unsettled, angry, stressed, and vulnerable. Are these good things? I think not.

Besides, in each and every situation in which I've felt jealousy as an adult, I could trace it back to a feeling of insecurity. Why do teenage girls get jealous if their "best friend" is suddenly interested in hanging out with another girl? They are insecure about their own position in their friend's eye. It's the same when women or men get jealous about a romantic partner - insecurity surrounding what part they play in their partner's lives. I am firmly convinced that people secure in their relationships do not experience jealousy. There might be times when they feel more vulnerable and that might trigger a jealous twinge, but chances are they can still base it on a feeling of not being secure.

And jealousy is something that can be worked on, talked about, and gotten over. Does some one want to be jealous all the time? I don't anyone who does. It's just not a healthy position to be in.

 

[lark sparrow]

Technically, I would rate jealousy as an emotion. It can be used to control, and can cause problems, sure. But any emotion without limits can cause problems (anger is another classic, so in envy, greed, um... any other deadly sins?)

If someone lets their jealousy get out of control, then it would destabalise a relationship. Similarly with passion, or grief, or...

But is jealousy by itself a bad thing? It's just an emotion. Like any other.

I think those of us who don't feel jealousy (myself included) should be very wary of criticising those who do, since it's not a problem we have had to deal with and face.

Good post. Particularly about it being an emotion, and any emotion without limits being capable of causing problems. Often the awareness of our emotions leads to self-knowledge, and stand as clues to the mechanics which may be beyond notice in our conscious minds. Once it becomes conscious it's really about how one handles it. I have definitely had a touch of the green-eyed monster before, with or without "reason" - I am not beyond or incapable of it. Sometimes it is a misunderstanding, or insecurity and simply needs a mind shift or time and trust, but other times it is telling me I am in a situation that truly isn't good for me. Then it's up to me to change my circumstance in whatever way seems best fitting.

But, I also agree with Chele's warning that overt jealousy is not a sign or steadfast companion of true love.

 

[FungiUg]

[...] jealousy is something that can be worked on, talked about, and gotten over. Does some one want to be jealous all the time? I don't anyone who does. It's just not a healthy position to be in.

Yuppers. Uncontrollable jealousy would be... well, murderous to live though, I would imagine!

I would also imagine that the best thing to combat jealousy in a relationship would be communication and trust. Honesty would have to go along with the trust of course.

 

[phalanxlord]

stepping back a bit...it might be a good idea for you to get some perspective on what is going on. When strong feelings are at play, many people tend to put blinders on and focus too much on these feelings.

So literally, just step back a bit and cool the jets.

I agree that communication is of the UTMOST importance. If you can't share and express yourself, and if she can not do the same, then there will never be that level of trust and sharing which is so important in any relationship, let alone a Power exchange relationship.

I feel, that if I could not express myself and communicate to my partner how I felt about... anything... then how can they trust me? And as a Dominant, who (gladly) accepts responsiblity for my submissive, how can I take pleasure from receiving that trust and power, if it isn't there to begin with?

If this jealousy is something that just won't go away, and is interferring with your day-to-day thoughts, then maybe seeking the advice of a professional therapist is not a bad idea.

Talking and communicating are the best things people can do when they have problems. We never do it, but we should.

 

[phalanxlord]

Sorry folks, one last thing...

As a Dominant, I *LOVE* to be in control. And honestly, it seems like these bad feelings of yours are controlling you. Are you going to let them do that to you?????