D/s feelings / Vanilla feelings ?

[Heidi_m]

To start off I will let you all know that I/we, my submissive and I have been together in a LDR relationsship, with meetings fairly often , holidays and such, for 6 years now. So I know what D/s is.

But.. we ran into a "problem".

We dissagree on one point, and I would like to know some feed back to it.

D/s feelings... are they somewhat the same as vanilla feelings when you love your partner deeply ?

Let me set a few examples...
my submissive...
-always let me know when he is on his way home from work via mail or msg on cellphone
-msg me with wonderful msg's on my cell phone every morning
-find online shops and ask me to find something I like.. for me or for him
-he is always precise when we meet online to chat in voice
-he ask me if he can go out
-he is always happy about tasks
-he is 100% honest, even when it hurts, we come out stronger

All the BDSM things,pushing him, sexual tasks and the verbal dominating part is good, we have all the right feelings with that.

But we are dissagreeing on what gives the D/s feelings to us both when we are apart.

Interesting to hear what others comment to this.

Last.. thank you all for great posts... have read and will read with joy

Heidi
XXXX

PS. excuse the spelling/gramma.. english is not my native language

 

[callinectes]

I am not sure I understand your question, but I will attempt an answer.

Traditional romantic love and BDSM or D/s are not mutually exclusive. There are a number of couples that post here that are deeply in love and BDSM is just another part of what makes the relationship whole for them. Love is love and there is no right or wrong way as long as both people are happy. But don't make the mistake that just because one likes to beat/have their ass beat on a regular basis that they don't experience the same heart pounding love "vanilla" folks do.

 

[Heidi_m]

another way of asking....

I see that I am not so clear in my question, but it IS very hard to boil down to a post ... but I could ask it another way....

We know how to create the submissive/dominant feelings over distance via voicechat /phone and mail etc.

But how do we create the D/s feelings.... ?
Maybe what I think is D/s feelings, is really vanilla feelings ?

I feel very dominant every day, but my submissive has trouble feeling it if im not directly dominant to him either via verbal or commands.

But what is D/s then... where is that in a LDR ?

It is often asked how to keep a LDR alive.. ideas needed and it is often with a sexual tweak to it. That is not what im seeking.
I think it is more the definition of D/s in LDR.

Hope this makes it a bit more clear.

 

[FurryFury]

Perhaps one of those locked cock devices would help him "feel" it?

Just a thought.

I also agree, deep feelings of love do not have to differ or be absent in a D/s LDR.

Fury

 

[CutieMouse]

But how do we create the D/s feelings.... ?
Maybe what I think is D/s feelings, is really vanilla feelings ?

I feel very dominant every day, but my submissive has trouble feeling it if im not directly dominant to him either via verbal or commands.

But what is D/s then... where is that in a LDR ?

If I understand you correctly, he is having trouble feeling your presence/dominance, when you two are apart? It seems to me, that a simple solution, would be to have standing "orders" or commands that are part of his daily routine, and are ways you wish him to express his submission from afar.

There are many ways to do this.

What does he wear on a daily basis? How can you ensure he will wear at least one thing that you choose for him, every day, but only you and he know it is a sign of his submission to you? (underwear? socks? shoes? a piece of jewelry?) Every time he dresses'feels whatever you have chosen for him, he will know you are with him.

What does he sleep in? How does he sleep? How can you assist him in feeling your dominance while he is sleeping? Every time he gets ready for bed- he will know you are with him.

Would it be helpful to give him daily or weekly writing assignments? A journal? A research project? This would be a great tool to help see where he is at emotionally/psychologically/etc, and keep the lines of communication open.

Does he need discipline to feel connected? Would the relationship benifit from long term work on improving an area in which he serves you (massage, pedicures, preperation for anal sex, etc)? Is there an act of service he can work on daily, in anticipation of the next time you are together? Goal setting may help pass the time between visits to see each other.

A lot of what you listed as communication/contact (the vanilla aspects of the relationship?) to *me* is part of the D/s of a LDR. One always knows where the other is. Period. There are also things that are a part of my daily life, because I was told once, that if I wanted to be in a certain relationship, a certain act/behaviour/whatever would become a part of my daily routine, and I would be expected to accomplish said task. Period.

You both have my empathy- LDRs suck. (and not in the fun happy squishy way)

 

[L_homme]

But we are disagreeing on what gives the D/s feelings to us both when we are apart.

Interesting to hear what others comment to this.

Few commented on a slightly similar question that I posed. I think it is very difficult to know how to convey a D/s feeling without knowing the effect. What you convey electronically would never be the same audibly (heard) or verbally (spoken).

You may wish for certain behaviour and get the complete opposite, or their behaviour pleases you automatically because of their D/s nature. But after six years, surely you would have sorted it out by now? Or do you suppose that due to the distance, only vanilla is acceptable to you both?

Establish rules that you can both agree on.

 

[Heidi_m]

Reply to CutieMouse's post

If I understand you correctly, he is having trouble feeling your presence/dominance, when you two are apart?

-yes, that is exactly it!

It seems to me, that a simple solution, would be to have standing "orders" or commands that are part of his daily routine, and are ways you wish him to express his submission from afar.
There are many ways to do this.

What does he wear on a daily basis? How can you ensure he will wear at least one thing that you choose for him, every day, but only you and he know it is a sign of his submission to you? (underwear? socks? shoes? a piece of jewelry?) Every time he dresses'feels whatever you have chosen for him, he will know you are with him.

- he is always wearing female panties, no mens underwear at all.
- he is always wearing a leather cock collar

What does he sleep in? How does he sleep? How can you assist him in feeling your dominance while he is sleeping? Every time he gets ready for bed- he will know you are with him.

- he is always wearing his cock collar
-not everyday, but very often a task to do before he sleep.. or to hold his genitials as he falls asleep

Would it be helpful to give him daily or weekly writing assignments? A journal? A research project? This would be a great tool to help see where he is at emotionally/psychologically/etc, and keep the lines of communication open.

-we talk everyday,we are extremely open and we talk about how we feel all the time, so writing assignments would only tell me what he tells me anyway.
- a project, he really do not have that much time between working and meeting me online, only a few hours, and he has things he need to do, ie, cleaning, garden etc. and the man has to have a chance to relax and not have his whole world evolve around the pc. he works infront of a pc all day, so I think it wold be too much for him to have to do reserch.

Does he need discipline to feel connected? Would the relationship benifit from long term work on improving an area in which he serves you (massage, pedicures, preperation for anal sex, etc)? Is there an act of service he can work on daily, in anticipation of the next time you are together? Goal setting may help pass the time between visits to see each other.

-I am setting goals that way and he is also on his own constantly pleasing me with making new devices from various kinky ideas. Always having projects going with that. So discipline im not sure, cos I AM very happy about all he is giving, he just dont realise how much he IS giving me.

A lot of what you listed as communication/contact (the vanilla aspects of the relationship?) to *me* is part of the D/s of a LDR. One always knows where the other is. Period.

- I agree the vanilla aspects IS also for me a part of the D/s, he just dont see it as D/s.

There are also things that are a part of my daily life, because I was told once, that if I wanted to be in a certain relationship, a certain act/behaviour/whatever would become a part of my daily routine, and I would be expected to accomplish said task. Period.

-agreed.. and he DOES do it to the fullest.

You both have my empathy- LDRs suck. (and not in the fun happy squishy way)

-thanx, it can be hard, but he's worth it

We just talked this evening, and agreed that I should remind him more often how I feel in different situations regarding D/s. Remind him how happy I am about what he does and also reminding him how obediant he is etc. If he is more aware of 'what' he is doing of D/s things, he might slowly realise it and it will give him his feelings back. Good things take time.

Thank you for a great reply

 

[shy slave]

Hi Heidi

I live in the UK and I am in a LDR D/s relationship with a man who lives in Denmark.

I think I understand your question.

It is not your written English that makes me say 'I think I understand' it is the complexity of D/s feelings that occur when you are not in direct contact.

I have struggled with this at times.

It is hard to feel submissive if your Dominant partner is not physically there or directly talking to you. Outside of that part of the relationship everyone has busy lives and decisions to make. It can be difficult to switch from being in control of your own life to being submissive.
Sometimes I really miss those feelings of being able to give everything over to him and serve him without consideration for my own needs.

There are times when I am not in immediate contact with him that I find D/s feelings difficult to access.
The result of that can make the next conversation we have difficult.
I may want to disappear into the tone of his voice or urge him to be quite Dominant over me, he may want a quiet talk and general discussion about each others day.

I have no real solution for you and your sub, in order to help myself I may write him a story or talk to him about it on the phone.
He has in the past set me tasks and these have helped. Other people have said in other threads they put time aside each day to think of nothing but their submission.

I am sure you understand him well, but perhaps giving him some responsibility to to explain to you how he feels at those times and what he thinks would help would give you both further insight about how to control it.

As for D/s feelings/vanilla feelings, everyone is different.
All relationships have certain similarities whether they are friendships, parent/child, partners because our feelings for that person are involved.

Keeping the D/s alive in LDR isn't easy. You have both managed 6 years, thats wonderful and amazing.

To me, much of D/s is a mental process, perhaps organising his day for him so he is always aware you have a say in every part of his day, it could be seen as an expansion of IM and texts.
It indicates that you have a final say on what happens each day even if you are apart.

There was a thread about Dom software, although it looked ridiculous there is merit in having task lists which you have net access to and can check he has completed. It may be another way to ensure the D/s feelings remain in place.

I have accepted that in order to manage my day I can't be completely slave like. He does not micro-manage me but the other side of that is sometimes I need to feel I belong to him.
At those times it can be frustrating, but I am learning it is a part of the bitter sweet aspects of LDR.

Ultimately he has to feel in a D/s relationship no matter what is happening in his day, without it having an adverse effect on how he needs to be in order to get through a day.

I look forward to hearing other peoples views and what you find works for both of you.

 

[CutieMouse]

Herm... well it sounds like the issue is in his head, honestly. Possibly an esteem issue, or a reality meets fantasy conflict? Because all the things you listed that are part of your daily routines, are what I would have suggested, were I in a position to suggest particular examples of submission.

I'm glad you were able to discuss things, and decide to increase the verbal feedback with regard to how well he is doing. I hope that helps.

I'll say again, LDRs just flat out suck, and maintaining the connection from afar is hard work- sometimes I wonder if it ever gets any easier. I wish you both well.