Cybersex is it cheating

[Damhez]

Cybersex

If some one has hardcore cybersex with one or more people on the web, and they are married. Is it cheating?

Its a question that has been with me for a while. one that may still end my marriage of 5 years. I understand that no real contact was made. yet many "I love you's" and hardcore sex (cybersex) did happen between my wife and a guy on the web. She has stopped, and we are working to rebuild the marriage. and my one block to over come is this question. Its been a year

I am at a point where i am lost as to what to think.

 

[Weird Harold]

?For a quick answer

check this (poll) thread: Poll: Is Cybersex Cheating?

 

[KillerMuffin]

The answer to this is very simple and very clear.

Cheating is defined by both the partners in the marriage, though not openly.

If you are engaged in an activity that you feel that you need to hide from your spouse, then you are cheating on that spouse. Period. If your wife hid this from you, then she knew that you would not approve of it, would not like it, and would be hurt by it. Otherwise she wouldn't have felt the need to hide it.

However, you problem isn't whether or not she cheated on you, because you already feel she did. Your problem is where do you go from here?

Well, you love your wife and you're trying to rebuild the marriage. Both of you, you in particular, are going to have to learn a very difficult skill, assertive communication. You are the wronged spouse and she is the guilty party. It's very simple for you to get up on your high horse and surround yourself with righteous hurt. That is going to hurt her and drive the two of you apart.

Ann Landers said that there is no point in the cuckold demanding the details of past cheating. The fact that it happened is enough, rehashing the details is only driving the guilt in deeper and driving the wedge in the relationship deeper.

Learn to talk to her, and most importantly listen to her. Cheating does not happen in a vacuum. Forgive her, but most importantly forgive yourself. Then work on forgetting it and learning to trust again.

Oh, and never ever start out a sentence with the word "You" or use the verb "make." Say "I feel."

 

[Wave_Rider]

Good suggestions to the lady w/ a pistol

The answer to this is very simple and very clear.

Cheating is defined by both the partners in the marriage, though not openly.

If you are engaged in an activity that you feel that you need to hide from your spouse, then you are cheating on that spouse. Period. If your wife hid this from you, then she knew that you would not approve of it, would not like it, and would be hurt by it. Otherwise she wouldn't have felt the need to hide it.

However, you problem isn't whether or not she cheated on you, because you already feel she did. Your problem is where do you go from here?

Well, you love your wife and you're trying to rebuild the marriage. Both of you, you in particular, are going to have to learn a very difficult skill, assertive communication. You are the wronged spouse and she is the guilty party. It's very simple for you to get up on your high horse and surround yourself with righteous hurt. That is going to hurt her and drive the two of you apart.

Ann Landers said that there is no point in the cuckold demanding the details of past cheating. The fact that it happened is enough, rehashing the details is only driving the guilt in deeper and driving the wedge in the relationship deeper.

Learn to talk to her, and most importantly listen to her. Cheating does not happen in a vacuum. Forgive her, but most importantly forgive yourself. Then work on forgetting it and learning to trust again.

Oh, and never ever start out a sentence with the word "You" or use the verb "make." Say "I feel."

I find it difficult that I'm agreeing with someone dressed as she is, and has a pink "pistola" behind her back but........

Communication first and foremost........with an open mind. I'm sure both of you have "talked' through your hurt and anger. Hopefully, your wife explained to you, what "SHE" was missing in your marriage that she needed to find online. It doesn't matter what those reasons are: She felt they were enough to "play" online.

Trust and honesty (to me) are 2 of the foundations of any relationship whether it be friendship, partnerships or marriage. You've had those "beams' severed, but its nice to know at least you are trying to re-build them.

If you still feel angry, I have a suggestion for you. Anger is simply UNRESOLVED HURT. Work thru the hurt, and the anger disappears.

Good luck........

"Just a beach boy"

 

[*bratcat*]

 

[plasticman33]

I'm in agreement, even though I was guilty of the same thing. I've hidden it from my wife, just as she hid it from her husband. We have since parted and we are both working on reestablishing our real life relationships.

It is a difficult thing, initially it seems harmless, until you get more and more intimately involved, then it becomes emotionally entangling. The real danger comes when you get to the point where you actually meet in real life, fortunately we were both aware enough to realize there could be no future for either of us in continuing the affair. I still have very strong feelings for her and have never regreted having known her, the memories will stay with me for the rest of my life. I know deep inside she feels the same.

When you consider though, everything you stand to lose, not just financially, but , family and friends, it becomes obvious it is not worth it. Think about all of the innocents who could be hurt by falling in "love" with a virtual stranger. No, sadly, it is not worth it.

 

[Kitte]

Ok short and sweet. It is cheating.. not the cybering.. thats just glorified masturbation. But the I love you's there is betrayal in that. I know from whence I speak. I was on one side of cyber I love you's a year ago. My husband had started mid life crisis and was very unattentive and I found a more then willing companion online. I made the decisions I did, I CHEATED. Not because i stuck my hands in my pants and thought of another person, christ I do that in front of my husband. But the moment it became personal. The moment I said those words and thought I ment them, my marriage was in trouble. Its been a year. My Hubby and I are still working on where WE (not him not me but WE) went wrong. It takes time to heal cuz the cheating is just a symptom of a larger problem.

 

[*bratcat*]

VERY well said!!