cybering == cheating? your take on it

[cocktan]

so i just would like to hear peoples take on this subject. is cybering cheating to you. if you had cyber sex with someone would you or your so consider it cheating?

my personal take is that it is cheating so i don't do it, but what is your opinion?

 

[EJFan]

yeah. i consider it cheating... unless this issue has been discussed and agreed upon by the couple.

 

[Guest]

 

[Eilan]

I can't really vote in the poll because I think it depends on what each couple considers to be cheating.

My husband and I don't consider cybering cheating. Although we've given each other "permission" to do this with other people, it's really not something that we're interested in. (So don't PM me asking for cyber.) If, however, the online relationship started to interfere with our RL relationship, then it's a problem.

If someone cybers with others and hides it, knowing that his or her partner would be hurt by it, then it's cheating.

 

[silverwhisper]

cheating implies an absence of consent the way i understand and use the word. so pretty much i'm with EJ.

ed

 

[cocktan]

what i was refering to was weather or not you considered in cheating reguardless of the hypothetical consent from your SO

 

[silverwhisper]

cocktan: since i don't use the word in that way, i suppose i ought not to have voted.

ed

 

[EJFan]

what i was refering to was weather or not you considered in cheating reguardless of the hypothetical consent from your SO

you mean by my own personal definition? yes. (if i were married) i would assume that any extramarital relationship is cheating... and i consider masturbation with/for someone via the internet to be no different from doing such in person. the internet is merely a conduit for the activity and a lack of actual touching is a formality.

 

[cocktan]

thats ok silver

 

[jadefirefly]

This is just my two cents worth...

I'm currently the only dissenting voter, it seems. Given what someone said above, UNLESS it begins to interfere in your offline relationship, I don't see it as cheating.

(I'm also not a bit interested in it, so don't even think about it.)

In my view, unless it's starting to take on a sort of relationship of it's own, it's not much different than someone who watches porn videos, or surfs porn websites. It's imagery -- in words, rather than pictures -- that turns you on and possibly assists in your getting off.

In short, it's not a hell of a lot different than reading erotic stories. It's just a little more like VR and less like watching a movie.

This is just my opinion, and I don't expect anyone else to agree with it. YMMV.

 

[EJFan]

In my view, unless it's starting to take on a sort of relationship of it's own, it's not much different than someone who watches porn videos, or surfs porn websites. It's imagery -- in words, rather than pictures -- that turns you on and possibly assists in your getting off.

i think this is a very valid point.

for me, however, the difference is that we're talking about cybering with a real person in real time versus watching an actor/actress (using the term loosely) on a video.

 

[Eilan]

In my view, unless it's starting to take on a sort of relationship of it's own

At that point, I'd view the relationship as an emotional affair of sorts, assuming that no RL contact had taken place. Some people consider emotional affairs to be more damaging than physical ones.

 

[jadefirefly]

EJ and Eilan both make very good points.

I've had experiences cybering with close friends, and with people I don't know. And there is definitely a higher chance of an emotional involvement with someone you know.

I do think that it's different for everyone. Much in the same way that one person's SO may not have a problem with their partner keeping a file full of naughty pictures on their computer, and another might.

(My ex, on the other hand, didn't really *care* that I didn't want porn files saved on MY computer. Ass.)

 

[EJFan]

At that point, I'd view the relationship as an emotional affair of sorts, assuming that no RL contact had taken place. Some people consider emotional affairs to be more damaging than physical ones.

you can put me in this category. well, actually, you can put me in both categories... but emotional affairs are much harder to overcome and work through IMO.

 

[silverwhisper]

ditto that.

ed

 

[Brandy1969]

I have to say I kinda agree with Jade on this one.

My husband knows I cyber and doesn't really care or give a crap because he knows it makes me horny as hell and he usually benefits from it afterward.

Also, I don't cyber half as much as I used to. The big reason is it just gets boring reading about your orgasm rather than actually feeling it.

 

[Skandalon]

Cybertime is Fun Time!

My SO knew I cybered for a few years and we acted out a few fantasies afterward that were beyond orgasmic! But that was a few years ago I haven't cybered much in the past five years. At times the routine got predictable or just plain weird (and I don't mean weird sexually: more like weird types of emotional manipulation). Sometimes I think about playing again. She would have no problem with it, but I wouldn't know where to start. I like erotic fiction so much more and acting out sexual fantasies with someone who is here, not in cyberland, is more satisfying. Ah, who knows? There are so many beautiful women at Lit!

 

[midwestyankee]

I have to say I kinda agree with Jade on this one.

My husband knows I cyber and doesn't really care or give a crap because he knows it makes me horny as hell and he usually benefits from it afterward.

Also, I don't cyber half as much as I used to. The big reason is it just gets boring reading about your orgasm rather than actually feeling it.

This post raises the issue of degree in that if there is no feeling involved, either physical or emotional, how would cybering be cheating? Seems to me that cheating is a willful engagement of the affection and attention,of a person other than your SO, resulting in some degree of physical pleasure (either in person together or caused by the connection made through the computer-based conversation). But if your cybering brings out no emotions or, as in Brandy's description above, little or no physical response as well, is it really an unfaithful act? How would such empty cybering be any different from reading a few pages of Penthouse or some other "adult" magazine?

 

[jadefirefly]

I have to say I kinda agree with Jade on this one.

My husband knows I cyber and doesn't really care or give a crap because he knows it makes me horny as hell and he usually benefits from it afterward.

Also, I don't cyber half as much as I used to. The big reason is it just gets boring reading about your orgasm rather than actually feeling it.

Exactly!!!

My ex was much the same -- he knew it got a reaction out of me, and he knew that when it was done, I'd be getting my ass off the computer and over to him for the rest of the night.

And it does get kind of boring. I haven't actually cybered in a long time. (My most recent ex really didn't like it, so I didn't do it. He was more important.) I think I've forgotten how.

 

[Eilan]

This post raises the issue of degree in that if there is no feeling involved, either physical or emotional, how would cybering be cheating? Seems to me that cheating is a willful engagement of the affection and attention,of a person other than your SO, resulting in some degree of physical pleasure (either in person together or caused by the connection made through the computer-based conversation). But if your cybering brings out no emotions or, as in Brandy's description above, little or no physical response as well, is it really an unfaithful act? How would such empty cybering be any different from reading a few pages of Penthouse or some other "adult" magazine?

For some people, I suppose it's less about the physical/emotional investment than the possibility that the activity might be hidden from one's SO.

If my husband and I hadn't talked about what we do and don't consider acceptable for us, and I caught him cybering, then I'd probably feel a little betrayed because he hid it from me. I can't say for sure, though, because it's a nonissue for us.

I've never cybered, though, even though I've certainly had the opportunity. I exchanged really graphic dirty nasty naughty emails with my husband when he was working second shift before we were married. I've also "performed" on cam, but my husband's been present, if not directly involved, during those sessions. (Again, don't ask me to cam.)

 

[TBKahuna123]

what i was refering to was weather or not you considered in cheating reguardless of the hypothetical consent from your SO

I don't think that's possible. While I am personally not comfortable with any outside relationship, that's MY personal feelings. I however don't equate sex outside a marriage(be it cyber or otherwise) with cheating, it's the deception that I equate with cheating. Therefore if consent were given then I would not consider it cheating. If consent weren't given then it would be.

You can't make a decision regardless of consent, I don't think, because what defines cheating to me is that consent.

 

[DLL]

cheating implies an absence of consent the way i understand and use the word. so pretty much i'm with EJ.

ed

i am certainly not in a position to judge but Yes its cheating

so how many here have cheated by cybering?

 

[silverwhisper]

well, let's not be hasty here, DLL: there's evidently a lack of consensus WRT definitions.

ed

 

[siren319]

this is funny I thought for sure the poll would end up on no by a landslide considering it is on lit.

 

[Eilan]

this is funny I thought for sure the poll would end up on no by a landslide considering it is on lit.

You assume that the people who post on this so-called porn board have no morals whatsoever.

Because of the lack of options other than "yes" and "no," I was unable to vote, and I'm sure that others who might have responded to the poll feel the same way.