Could you do me a favor?

[AG31]

All we authors know how hard it is to get any kind of verbal feedback for our stories. Over the last three years I've probably gotten fewer than a dozen opinions about my first book. One of them revealed a completely different understanding of my MC than I had in my own mind. This week another reader, a very astute reader, also had a different take on my MC than I had intended.

It's possible almost no one is seeing the person I intended to portray.

Would any who are interested read the first section (The Beginning) of Twelve Maxbridge Street and tell me what you think of the personality of the MC? There's no need to read beyond the point where you've developed an impression, as Maxbridge is one of those (often reviled) stories that don't attend to character or plot. In other words, there's no attempt to elaborate on the MC's character as the story progresses. (Except, for the final two sections, which are totally different. But no need to read that far. I'm interested in the reader's first impression.)

Edit: As a lure, I promise to read and comment on one of the stories by everyone who registers an opinion.

TIA
https://www.literotica.com/s/twelve-maxbridge-street
AG

 

[RainyDayPen]

Since I'd just enjoyed this yesterday I actually read again to see if my quicker read held up to a deeper read. Surprisingly, in most cases I still agree with myself yesterday.

Your MC comes across as very classically masculine, strong, and dominant in the nonsexual world. But once it comes to sex, he's interested in FULLY consensual BDSM play with total power exchange elements (at least for one session/night). Your MC consents to everything, including things he might not normally want, and is an extremely willing participant. While not everything that happens is his fantasy, he finds the act of submission to be his main method of achieving pleasure/climax. I really do think his main draw is in the act of consent, and finds pleasure in even agreeing to an act, even before the act begins.

Also of note, he repeatedly goes by his last name. It gives off military connotations interestingly enough. I'm not sure if that's intended. But no one calls him John, not even the narrator. I think it further adds to his masculinity in the end. Perhaps there is another culture where this is common - the business world? Maybe? But it's an interesting stylistic choice I see so rarely that it must mean something.

I know all my submissive male characters in comparison to yours are basically boyishly cute, shy twinks. In many ways the complete opposite to your characters, except that they all have one thing in common: Finding the pleasure of agreeing to total submission.

I do wonder what take I had that you found unusual from my first take. I'm curious! Maybe even now you'll be even more surprised. It's always hard when a story leaves our hands - it turns into a thousand new stories as different people read it and see it in the light of their own worlds and lives.

 

[MillieDynamite]

According to my dad, in the world of theater chains of the 1970s-80s, all subordinates addressed all superiors as Mr., Miss, or Mrs. and their last name. All supervisors, no matter where in the food chain they were, addressed the subordinates by their first name. My father allowed the staff to call him by his first name, so long as there were 1, no customers around and 2, none of his supervisors were there. If a supervisor of his ever heard an employee address their manager (not just at his location) by their first name, that City, Area, or District Manager would fire that employee on the spot.

One day, the District Manager was in the building with the Vice President of Operations of the whole chain. The District manager said something that a staff member thought sounded like a putdown, and she jumped on the District Manager with both feet, "Hey Jackson (his last name but not Mr. in front of it), don't get on our boss like that." Mr. Jackson told her she was fired. The Vice President said, "Wait, William, I don't think that's necessary in this instance."

The District Manager had said, "I don't see why in the world you've been named manager of the year. It isn't like you have that hard of a job, training all the management training for the whole company." It was clearly a joke. But all she heard was that her boss wasn't good enough.

The big wig liked that an employee would stick up for her boss. William wasn't impressed but retracted the firing anyway.

But I digress, yeah, I'll give your tale a gander.

 

[LoneMilf]

I gave it a read.. there really wasn't much to go by though...

He is clearly a perfectionist (so many mentions of things being perfect in the beginning), but apart from that, my only impressions are:
- he seems vain, very focused on appearances
- he likes the idea of having things done to him, of not being in control. It doesn't seem to really be a desire for humiliation, more to let someone else use him
- I get the impression that he is successful and in control in his regular life - too much in control. So he is excited about the unpredictable experiences that he has no control over

By the way, I didn't read the other comments to this before posting mine. I wanted to give my impression based purely on my own read.

 

[MillieDynamite]

You did well for a first entry into a series. I haven't read other comments, so should I repeat something anyone else has said, I apologize for the repetition. First, if this is your first writing effort, it isn't bad at all. However, work on a more varied vocabulary. Your sentence structure is good. However, the pacing and momentum aren't at all where you need it to be.

Relax, you're writing will improve when you learn the words and phrasing to avoid. One thing that will improve it right off is smaller paragraphs. You have way too many long, slow paragraphs. I think about half the paragraphs are too long. A person's mind tends to tune out on even really excellent writing when you have several paragraphs in a row that are long.

Many of your paragraphs are over 50 words long. Some of them have 75 to 100 words in them. Cut those into smaller chunks. Follow any longer paragraph with a short one. One sentence between two long passages make the going easer on the eyes and mind.

Sentences, however, are spot on for length, not too many overly long ones, and nice breaks to shorter ones in between.

You could use a little more dialog. But maybe that's just me. I don't always use a lot of dialog in stories myself, and that has been sort of an issue I'm working on. I don't believe you have too many or too few tags on the dialog, so thumbs on that.

You've done well on the adverb rule for dialog, few and far between. I have a weakness for using them, so you have me beat there. However, you use a lot of adverbs in the structure outside of dialog. You should probably cut that down.

You have a lot of showing rather than telling. It isn't the biggest of sins, but it is up there. So, work on that. Far too many generic description words in your work. Very, good, wide, look, watch or watched, nice, special, and main are words to avoid. As is that, and the verbs was, could, and would. And suddenly shouldn't be used. You have it happen, and don't indicate it's sudden with the word. You should show it by the reaction.

I didn't post this in the comments. It's far too critical and would look like I'm tearing you down. I'm not. You have a raw talent and need to work on it to polish it.

I'm hoping you aren't taking this as a harsh review; I don't mean it to be. I gave you a five. Twelve Maxbridge Street is a good start, and I hope you understand I desire to give you something to work with that helps you to write better.

 

[AG31]

I'm hoping you aren't taking this as a harsh review; I don't mean it to be. I gave you a five. Twelve Maxbridge Street is a good start, and I hope you understand I desire to give you something to work with that helps you to write better.

I'm absolutely happy with criticisms. They usually result in some improvement. And I appreciate your taking the time.

But I don't see where you actually answer my question about your impression of the MC's personality. Could you speak to that?

 

[MillieDynamite]

He's a control freak, working on his issues with submitting to bondage.

 

[RainyDayPen]

Why did I not pick up on the control freak aspect ?? I think I'm a control freak myself IRL so that's probably it.

 

[MillieDynamite]

I don't think he is a narcissist, but he is prideful and obsessed with his personal appearance. I think having employees be among his abusers is a nice touch and shows a desire to change.

 

[AchtungNight]

This story is not my usual cup of tea. I have trouble reading it comfortably. Perhaps my issues with abuse in general are in play- I have been bullied many times in my life and do not understand why people voluntarily submit to such things. I suppose it can be therapeutic and fear is a good explanation, but… my impression of the MMC is he’s an emotional person. I’m glad you had plenty of surprises for him in the story with his employees and the love interest. I felt he was in a better place at the end than the beginning. His main issue is suppressing his emotions- that’s something that is not easy for me. I would never set foot in a place like the Association- but whatever goes on between consenting adults…

You’ve praised my stories in the past and I will do the same. Hope you’ll continue to enjoy writing.

If you’re wondering about which of my stories shares the kink of this one- Submission is not a kink for me, I’m more about cooperation. But the God of War and Pathfinder video game stories I’ve written feature pretty submissive MCs. Also Hunters & Prey. But read what you like, I appreciate whatever you review.

 

[Red_Herring4]

Image matters to the MC. He likes his own image (perfect suit, office, etc.). He doesn't like the image Pederson presents as the first person customers might see. He fixates on Stephanie's image (she seems to him like she's always chewing gum, even though she isn't).

He gets a thrill from knowing that the image he presents to others differs from his self-image. His employees think he's a nice guy who would never harbor such petty thoughts about Pederson and Stephanie. But he does harbor those thoughts, even if he is the only one who knows it.

The Association is a way to allow others to see through façade he presents to the world. While there, others see his true wants and desires. They see him just as he seems himself. He relishes that.

Maybe that's way off base. IMO, you're giving your readers too little to go on in terms of characterization. You drop some details here and there, and I'm sure that in your mind as the author they clearly portray the MC in a certain light. But without more to go on, I think readers will interpret those details in very different ways to flesh out who the MC is and what makes him tick. Just my random thoughts.

 

[AG31]

He's a control freak, working on his issues with submitting to bondage.

Thank you! Off to read one of your stories!!

 

[AG31]

He gets a thrill from knowing that the image he presents to others differs from his self-image. His employees think he's a nice guy who would never harbor such petty thoughts about Pederson and Stephanie. But he does harbor those thoughts, even if he is the only one who knows it.

Is there any way I could phrase it so he comes across as a nice guy who is really taking comfort in the idea that his employees don't have to deal with his trivial negativities?

 

[AG31]

He is clearly a perfectionist (so many mentions of things being perfect in the beginning), but apart from that, my only impressions are:
- he seems vain, very focused on appearances

I had hoped the self deprecating, humorous comment, "He chuckled silently to himself. Then there was his modesty." would have erased the idea that he was vain, a perfectionist. I had hoped it would portray him, instead, as an easy-going guy who was having fun getting ready for his adventure. Do you know why it didn't work for you?

 

[Djmac1031]

Okay, only a few paragraphs in.

MMC is egotistical. Smug. Condescending. And self centered.

Now, obviously I haven't finished it and no idea if that theme carries through.

You asked for what I thought once I'd formed an opinion of him, I gave it.

That said; what matters I suppose is your intent as a writer and how YOU want US to feel about him.

If I was supposed to like him? So far, no.

If im supposed to think he's an arrogant prick? Mission accomplished.

And for the record, there's nothing wrong with having an arrogant prick as the main character. If that's the story you wanna tell, tell it.

I'll read further, see where it goes. But offered my honest thoughts.

Hope this helps in some way.

Oh, just to be REAL clear: I'm not saying it's a BAD story just because the MMC comes off the way I view him in the first few paragraphs.

I can't judge an entire story based on that.

 

[theWollstonecraftWoman]

I think prideful, not vain. He takes pride in his appearance and doesn't want anyone to think he is not clean.

I had hoped the self deprecating, humorous comment, "He chuckled silently to himself. Then there was his modesty." would have erased the idea that he was vain, a perfectionist. I had hoped it would portray him, instead, as an easy-going guy who was having fun getting ready for his adventure. Do you know why it didn't work for you?

 

[theWollstonecraftWoman]

Okay, only a few paragraphs in.

MMC is egotistical. Smug. Condescending. And self centered.

Now, obviously I haven't finished it and no idea if that theme carries through.

You asked for what I thought once I'd formed an opinion of him, I gave it.

That said; what matters I suppose is your intent as a writer and how YOU want US to feel about him.

If I was supposed to like him? So far, no.

If im supposed to think he's an arrogant prick? Mission accomplished.

And for the record, there's nothing wrong with having an arrogant prick as the main character. If that's the story you wanna tell, tell it.

I'll read further, see where it goes. But offered my honest thoughts.

Hope this helps in some way.

Oh, just to be REAL clear: I'm not saying it's a BAD story just because the MMC comes off the way I view him in the first few paragraphs.

I can't judge an entire story based on that.

I read the whole story and I don't think he is an arrogant prick. But then again, I think people can read about people in a story and come away with different opinions.

 

[Djmac1031]

I read the whole story and I don't think he is an arrogant prick. But then again, I think people can read about people in a story and come away with different opinions.

Like I said, I'm not going to judge the whole story based on the first few paragraphs.

But I did what the OP asked; shared my initial impression of the MMC based on his introduction.

 

[theWollstonecraftWoman]

Ichsa! Forgot to vote on it. I'll be back.

 

[AG31]

"MMC is egotistical. Smug. Condescending. And self centered."

You're not alone. This is essentially what the first person thought. I had counted on two lines to mitigate this idea (actually added the second in reaction to that first commenter). Do you know why they don't work as intended?

"He chuckled silently to himself. Then there was his modesty."

"He took some comfort in the knowledge that neither Pederson nor Stephanie would suspect he entertained such petty thoughts about them. He was well liked by his staff."

I'm hoping other commenters here won't read this before they post their thoughtts!

You asked for what I thought once I'd formed an opinion of him, I gave it.

Yes. Exactly what I wanted. First impressions. Thanks.

I'll read further, see where it goes. But offered my honest thoughts.

I don't think it will take you anywhere new. Like I said, not much attention spent on character.

Hope this helps in some way.

Absolutely!

 

[Djmac1031]

Do you know why they don't work as intended?

Okay I'll attempt to detail what I got out of each passage:

"He chuckled silently to himself. Then there was his modesty."

In almost all cases I've ever seen a similar phrasing used, it comes off as intentionally sarcastic. To the point it's almost a trope.

"He took some comfort in the knowledge that neither Pederson nor Stephanie would suspect he entertained such petty thoughts about them. He was well liked by his staff."

It sounds like something a narcissistic would think. He can entertain petty thoughts about THEM, because obviously they're "lesser" than he is.

But of COURSE they like him. Because who could possibly NOT like him? He's PERFECT, right?

That's how he came across to me.

I've been reading further and the fact that the coworkers he thought so little of actually show up to humiliate him only adds to my interpretation.

He THINKS they like him. THEY think he's an asshole.

 

[theWollstonecraftWoman]

Voted on the story. I left a comment as well.

 

[Paul_Chance]

My first thought on the MC was "malignant narcissist". He, and everything around him, is perfect. Everyone else is not perfect. The feeling the muscles in his body comes across, to me, as kind of weird - like he's disassociating to deny some form of muscular condition. An unlikable character, as far is the introduction is concerned.

 

[Djmac1031]

My first thought on the MC was "malignant narcissist". He, and everything around him, is perfect. Everyone else is not perfect. The feeling the muscles in his body comes across, to me, as kind of weird - like he's disassociating to deny some form of muscular condition. An unlikable character, as far is the introduction is concerned.

Bingo.

 

[XerXesXu]

You describe him as a normal, moderately successful person who has girlfriends, but no significant other, who is liked by his subordinates. He sees the objects in his life to be to his satisfaction. The only persons in his life you mention, Pederson and Stephanie, he sees as flawed. He’s tolerant of their flaws and feels his inattention to them may be a flaw in himself. There are homoerotic overtones to your physical descriptions of various people.

The Association, just down the road is an unexplained contrivance, there are members and there are subjects, but what happens is collusive. The subordinates are (paying?) members, he pays to be a subject. He must have expectations of what he gets for his money, but this is not explained. Faranger gets, what appears to be a homoerotic experience, but what he didn’t expect was to be outed to his subordinates. When Pederson says Faranger desires to be humiliated, that suggests to be outed as less than perfect, maybe as a gay in denial. But Faranger may have expected that he would be exhibited as an object of perfection, an intimate physical specimen that men and women admire.

I don’t read him as being exhibited as a humiliation, but as an object to be admired. He’s paying to feed his ego - collusive exhibitionism.