Could we have some technique, please?

[MissTaken]

I have found that all Dom/mes approach their sub in a different fashion.

Sometimes, and this is the topic of the thread, less experienced Doms try so very hard to please their sub, but may be clumsy in their approach or technique.

Could we have some pointers, please?

Specifically, I found that a less experienced Dom may spank soundly and firmly, but never to the point of fruition. (Based upon only my experience.)


I also have found that when I tell an inexperienced Dom or someone interested in kink that I enjoy nipple torture, they twist my nipples very hard, as if tuning the radio and that is it.

I know that I can share my preferences, but am looking for others to do so.

I am also looking for the Dom/me's perspective and advice.

For example, when I cry out, I don't necessarily want it to stop. My most previous experience ALMOST brought me to subspace three or four times, but the activity stopped with the cry

So, pointers please?

Miss *I ain't fakin'* Taken

 

[WillowPuss]

Ohhhh great topic MiisT.

I hope all our Dom/mes will give some pointers here

 

[~Dream~]

Miss T..

I hope you forgive me for speaking out of line here when you asked for a Dom's perspective and not mine(a sub's).

I just had to say that once again,communication, open and honest
between the Dom and sub is UTMOST important..Master learned I have a HIGH threshold for pain for instance,after I received my very 1st spanking from Him and wanted MORE!!...He was very very kind and giving with me,patient also,but the true key here was His ability to ask Questions of me,Always showing concern for my happiness and welfare ..I mean loving welts were raised on my ass but they were gone in a matter of 2 days lol..not to worry as He gave me a farewell spanking at the bus terminal in the parking lot tho!! exercising His control over my body..I loved it!!
I guess my point here is at 1st it takes awhile to get to know each other's "kinks' and limits but with time,patience,and honest,open commuication all should work out for the best between both Dom and sub..JMHO

 

[MissTaken]

I am sorry , Dream

In the line that asks for other's perspectives, I meant that subs should respond, too.

How do we like a certain activity done?


And yes, communication is key. Absolutely, we are all different.

If I were to bring my new lover here, I would hope for him to gain some insight into what feels good for the Dom and the sub, and a variety of methods of doing so?

I am, by far, not the most experienced sub here. There are times I want more than what I have, but just can't seem to put my finger on what it is that I am longing for.

So, we can call this a Play 101 course or whatever, but let's share.



hugs to you, Dream

 

[Skally]

Not that I've had any RL experience - but I would imagine that a sub gets to know their dom/me and vice versa. What I mean to say is that you get to learn and read things like body language and facial expressions and you learn more about when to play harder, softer - when you're approaching limits.

I don't think it's an overnight thing, and think it's something that takes time. I think this is why when negotiating a d/s relationship (I'm taking limits here - that idea of negotiation seems very formal to me), extended "getting to know you" sessions are important so that you get to know your dom/me or sub more as a person rather than just letting your hard / soft limits drive your play, but also letting both of your personalities come into it too.

What I'm trying to say that here is that even a bit of communication and understanding go a long way.

 

[SexyChele]

Okay, I admit I'm a little confused by the topic, but it sounds interesting!

I know that I can take substantial pain to my breasts and nipples, and when I share that in the 'nilla world, most men shy away from it. Yes, I've had the "radio tuner" once or twice myself. And I hate when I share with an inexperienced Dom that I like my nipples treated harshly, and I have to keep encouraging him.

"Yes, that's it. No, harder, harder, HARDER!!! Do you even UNDERSTAND what HARDER means?!?!?!?"

Not good, and not long before I'm out of there!

However, an experienced Dom can twist, turn, pinch just to the point of me wanting to say more and then give that extra little "umph" that pushes me over the edge at just the right time. Now THAT is sheer bliss!

 

[NemoAlia]

Of course much has been written about bondage and how to do it. However, I do think that a nod in that direction belongs on this thread too:

Oh, how I wish that budding Dom/mes would practice their knots a little before they get to me. Or maybe not even that. They can practice on me, if they'd like, as long as it means that during a scene they won't be saying things like, "How's that? Is that tight enough? Try moving your arm forward. No, no, that's no good. Hold on, I'm going to go get the scissors..." while my excitement drains away.

 

[P. B. Walker]

Good topic.... and I think Artful's Dream and Skally hit the nail on the head. It's all about communcation and getting to know each other's perferences and kinks. We (meaning all of us) are not mind readers. Your partner (either sub or Dom) can't know what you like or dislike without that communcation. And until you scene with someone a few times, reading body language and facial expressions is mostly guess work.

While you are thinking "Gawd, why can't he do it harder, what a pussy" or "Man, this dunce can't tie a knot to save his ass", He's thinking "Mmm, I hope I'm not doing this too hard for her, my last sub started crying and wouldn't do a scene with me for 3 weeks the last time I did it this hard" or "Man, this is my first time using rope, I hate it, where the fuck did I put those handcuffs."

The other thing I think is key is practice and experience... especially for new Dom/mes. Hell, some of this stuff can be down right tricky. Not to mention, everyone is different. And unfortunately, there isn't anything that can replace alot of hard practice and experience. That's sort of the ritual you have to go through. Patience is a virtue.

I believe that a sub should give feedback to the Dom/me after the scene is completed. And vice versa. Otherwise, you'll both just keep doing the same thing wrong... or one of you will leave. Simple as that.

PBW "How do I tune in 106.7 on these things?"

 

[A Desert Rose]

Where's that rocknroll on your dial?

Good topic....

PBW "How do I tune in 106.7 on these things?"

Real funny- LOL.
Rose

 

[Persephone36]

Good topic.... and I think Artful's Dream and Skally hit the nail on the head. It's all about communcation and getting to know each other's perferences and kinks. We (meaning all of us) are not mind readers. Your partner (either sub or Dom) can't know what you like or dislike without that communcation. And until you scene with someone a few times, reading body language and facial expressions is mostly guess work.

While you are thinking "Gawd, why can't he do it harder, what a pussy" or "Man, this dunce can't tie a knot to save his ass", He's thinking "Mmm, I hope I'm not doing this too hard for her, my last sub started crying and wouldn't do a scene with me for 3 weeks the last time I did it this hard" or "Man, this is my first time using rope, I hate it, where the fuck did I put those handcuffs."

The other thing I think is key is practice and experience... especially for new Dom/mes. Hell, some of this stuff can be down right tricky. Not to mention, everyone is different. And unfortunately, there isn't anything that can replace alot of hard practice and experience. That's sort of the ritual you have to go through. Patience is a virtue.

I believe that a sub should give feedback to the Dom/me after the scene is completed. And vice versa. Otherwise, you'll both just keep doing the same thing wrong... or one of you will leave. Simple as that.

PBW "How do I tune in 106.7 on these things?"

PBW -- Bravo, I think that was incredibly well written and well said with a lot of sensitivity -- and some well placed humor.

After all -- I've got to ask the same questions to a man even when it's 'nilla. Not every guy's sensitivity is the same, not every guy likes his nipples licked or bitten...etc., and like I said that's just the old-fashioned kind of sex -- without the scene and role playing, lol. I feel stupid asking it sometimes, as if it breaks the mood, but it's to *both* our benefits.

P.

 

[P. B. Walker]

PBW -- Bravo, I think that was incredibly well written and well said with a lot of sensitivity -- and some well placed humor.

Thanks Persephone

After all -- I've got to ask the same questions to a man even when it's 'nilla. Not every guy's sensitivity is the same, not every guy likes his nipples licked or bitten...etc., and like I said that's just the old-fashioned kind of sex -- without the scene and role playing, lol. I feel stupid asking it sometimes, as if it breaks the mood, but it's to *both* our benefits.

EXACTLY. There is no way to short cut that part of the process. Being with someone new is a learning process. And unless you could give a shit what the other person wants, you have to go thru the "Ohhh will he like this" or "Accckkk.. that's too hard" stage. Unless it's a one-night stand (in which case you are just rolling the dice anyway), you just can't assume the other person will magically know that you love to have your nipples twisted in a counterclockwise motion, instead of clockwise motion, or what have you.

And, just to add one thing I just thought of... you could find yourself with a new Dom that has been in the scene for a long time... say 10 years or more... and you are thinking going into this, "Hey, he's a bad ass, he has got to know all the cool things to do... he is soooo going to blow my mind". And you're all excited and psyched to finally do a scene with him. So the moment of truth comes and goes and you're thinking to yourself... "damn what a fucking let down, that sucked hind titty". What went wrong? Nothing really. He did his thing, you did yours. You thought he'd know it all so you didn't communciate and get to know each other. Goes to show you, even if someone has all the experience and practice in the world, if they don't know what YOU like/want, it isn't going to be great for you either.

There are alot of things that have to come together for it to be perfect for both parties. This is true of any relationship, not just a BDSM one. JMHO...


PBW "Wait a sec, I got something here... wait that's not 106.7, that's the neighbors teenage daugher having fonesex... holy shit... OMG, what a little tramp!! Let's keep listening... <WEG>"

 

[A Desert Rose]

PBW "Wait a sec, I got something here... wait that's not 106.7, that's the neighbors teenage daugher having fonesex... holy shit... OMG, what a little tramp!! Let's keep listening... <WEG>"

~~~~~~~~~~~Dr.Pepper all over the monitor now. That's what I get for drinking while I read this stuff.
Rose

 

[P. B. Walker]

~~~~~~~~~~~Dr.Pepper all over the monitor now. That's what I get for drinking while I read this stuff.
Rose

Heheh... I'm not cleaning it up... <winks>

- PBW "Ohh yeah baby... spit that Dr. Pepper all ooovvaah it... mmm it feels sooo good... Oh I'm so close... yeah spit it... spit it! harder!... ohhhh ohhh ohhhh gawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwdddd!... whew... I think I need a Pepper."

 

[MotorCitySam]

I have found that all Dom/mes approach their sub in a different fashion.

Sometimes, and this is the topic of the thread, less experienced Doms try so very hard to please their sub, but may be clumsy in their approach or technique.

Could we have some pointers, please?

Specifically, I found that a less experienced Dom may spank soundly and firmly, but never to the point of fruition. (Based upon only my experience.)


I also have found that when I tell an inexperienced Dom or someone interested in kink that I enjoy nipple torture, they twist my nipples very hard, as if tuning the radio and that is it.

I know that I can share my preferences, but am looking for others to do so.

I am also looking for the Dom/me's perspective and advice.

For example, when I cry out, I don't necessarily want it to stop. My most previous experience ALMOST brought me to subspace three or four times, but the activity stopped with the cry

So, pointers please?

Miss *I ain't fakin'* Taken

This is a fine topic, Miss Taken. As a novice Dom I find I sometimes have to push myself past that point where I start to see Caroline feeling the effects of our play. When she cries out or reacts in other ways I sometimes "flinch" in fear of hurting her. Even when I know she wants me to continue, and I am enjoying the activity, emotionally it can be hard to continue. I chalk this up to inexperience but I would like to read of other's perspectives on this issue.

 

[MissTaken]

Actually Sam and others,

I am thinking that these are the situations that having a safe word is good for.

Caroline starts shouting and you ask, "Are you using the safe word, Caroline?"

You then, know whether or not to continue.

Now, what I want is an answer to this:

Doms?

It is your first time with a new sub.

She has agreed that she wants to engage in and has previously enjoyed nipple play.

What exactly do you do?

How do you proceed?

Exactly......

 

[P. B. Walker]

Re: Re: Could we have some technique, please?

This is a fine topic, Miss Taken. As a novice Dom I find I sometimes have to push myself past that point where I start to see Caroline feeling the effects of our play. When she cries out or reacts in other ways I sometimes "flinch" in fear of hurting her. Even when I know she wants me to continue, and I am enjoying the activity, emotionally it can be hard to continue. I chalk this up to inexperience but I would like to read of other's perspectives on this issue.

Another great point MotorCitySam. Getting past that emotional point of being able to inflict pain is a major step. Inflicting pain is not a natural thing. Some people have a more difficult time doing it. Some have to aquire the "taste" for it. The first time I took a karate class in college, I learned I would have to "hit" female sparring partners. I totally balked. Finally my instructor put me up against an aggressive female who actually got pissed that I was just giving her "love taps". Well, she damn near knocked my block off and I had to respond. I got over it. Did I hurt her... mmm maybe, but she wasn't going to show it if I did, so who knows.

Sometimes, and this is especially true when one partner is much more experienced than the other, you just need some patience. Again, JMHO.

PBW

 

[WriterDom]

It's not a natural thing to want to inflict pain on a person, for most of us anyway, especially being rough with a woman. I don't think it's anything that can be taught. It's one of those passageways a Dom has to tread by himself. Some of the things we do may appear to be very violent to an uninformed onlooker. Pulling of hair, nipple torture, all the different forms of corporal play. We aren't raised Dom, we're raised vanilla, and your taught to play nice and not hit little girls.

(Well, far to many grow up watching abuse, and copy that behavior, but that's not bdsm in my opinion)

In the beginning it's like having a little devil on one shoulder whispered "harder" and an angel on the other shouting "what are you doing?" Once you do silence the angel, you still have to develop technique of gradually taking her from one level to the next.

It's a lot easier, in my opinion, to be sub rather than Dom/me.

 

[NemoAlia]

Correct as usual, King Friday (err... pbw). Communication is key!

Of course, that being said, there must be some practical advice that can help put a novice's mind in order ahead of time. I, for one, think that bondage know-how is important -- even if it means spending some time with your new sub figuring it all out, outside of the figurative bedroom.

Also, I think that -- especially within committed relationships -- it's important figure out how to incorporate Dom/me-hood into one's everyday persona, and vice versa. Otherwise, a novice Dom/me runs the risk of merely 'playing a part' and of missing the personal closeness that comes with involving one's self in the scene. For some people this involvement comes naturally. However, it seems to me that novice Dom/mes who have nervousness and insecurities to deal with often get so caught up in 'doing it right' that they slip too easily into a stereotypical 'role' instead of participating wholeheartedly.

 

[SexyChele]

It's a lot easier, in my opinion, to be sub rather than Dom/me.

That's why I'm SO thankful to be a sub.



PBW - what can I say? You just rock!

 

[NemoAlia]

And as for nipple play, MissT, if I had my druthers, my ideal Dom would throw teeth into the mix, oh yes he would! One of my favorite tooth-techniques is what I call "backwards biting," which is good for novice Doms 'cause they know they won't hurt me. It goes like this:

1. Start with your teeth bared, but together, touching the very tip of the nipple.
2. Push your face into the breast, applying toothy pressure.
3. As you apply the pressure, open your teeth, allowing the nipple to slip between your teeth and into your mouth, scraping against all the sharp corners and edges as it goes.

(Okay, so as far as appearances go, this might not look altogether Domly, but I figure a blindfold will take care of that sort of thing.)

 

[P. B. Walker]

Correct as usual, King Friday (err... pbw). Communication is key!

Of course, that being said, there must be some practical advice that can help put a novice's mind in order ahead of time. I, for one, think that bondage know-how is important -- even if it means spending some time with your new sub figuring it all out, outside of the figurative bedroom.

Also, I think that -- especially within committed relationships -- it's important figure out how to incorporate Dom/me-hood into one's everyday persona, and vice versa. Otherwise, a novice Dom/me runs the risk of merely 'playing a part' and of missing the personal closeness that comes with involving one's self in the scene. For some people this involvement comes naturally. However, it seems to me that novice Dom/mes who have nervousness and insecurities to deal with often get so caught up in 'doing it right' that they slip too easily into a stereotypical 'role' instead of participating wholeheartedly.

Yes I agree whole heartedly Nemo. Practice is not something you can fake. I'll admit, I know next to dick about tying knots. If I were ever with someone that liked that kind of play, you could bet your ass I'd be speading alot of my free time practicing, at least if I wanted the relationship to succeed. )

PBW "Dammit! If you tie the dog up once more, I swear I will take away your rope! And no that doesn't mean you can tie the cat up instead."

 

[WriterDom]

Oh, how I wish that budding Dom/mes would practice their knots a little before they get to me. Or maybe not even that. They can practice on me, if they'd like, as long as it means that during a scene they won't be saying things like, "How's that? Is that tight enough? Try moving your arm forward. No, no, that's no good. Hold on, I'm going to go get the scissors..." while my excitement drains away.

If you invest in some nice leather restraints for both ankle and wrist, you can pretty much play Knotless from then on just using metal snap clips. Well, you may have to tie to something, but that can be done ahead of time. Just make sure if you do any vertical bondage, you use the quick release type.

 

[P. B. Walker]

Nipple play

Well I'm not an expert by any means.. but one of my favs (at least one that a past partner loved)...

Kinda the stretching techinque... once you have her nipples warmed up a bit (after sucking, teasing, nibbling, etc.) grip them between the thumb and side of first finger after you've moistened them a bit. Start very slowly pulling on them... stretching them out a bit... then pull upward... as far as possible (pull, not yank darnit). Stretch them to the point where she starts to rise up to go with them, and then squeeze very hard (hold that pose for a bit if ya like) and let the wetness on the nipples let them squeeze out from between your thumb and finger.... and just watch them snap back. Should cause a nice little quiver. <winks>

PBW

 

[artful]

I quite agree with this post.

Not that I've had any RL experience - but I would imagine that a sub gets to know their dom/me and vice versa. What I mean to say is that you get to learn and read things like body language and facial expressions and you learn more about when to play harder, softer - when you're approaching limits.

I don't think it's an overnight thing, and think it's something that takes time. I think this is why when negotiating a d/s relationship (I'm taking limits here - that idea of negotiation seems very formal to me), extended "getting to know you" sessions are important so that you get to know your dom/me or sub more as a person rather than just letting your hard / soft limits drive your play, but also letting both of your personalities come into it too.

What I'm trying to say that here is that even a bit of communication and understanding go a long way.

A *new* relationship needs to proceed slowly. I can tell you first hand, I have ALWAYS proceeded with EXTRA caution when playing with a *new* sub.

Dream, I am,... sure would tell anyone,...when she left Arkansas,...she wanted MORE. (Well,...except for when I bit her nipple too hard)

If it is a relationship that you want ESTABLISHED,...why go EXTREME in the beginning? Take your time in discovering ALL you can about each other. ENJOY the discoveries, lick your lips in anticipation of what the next play will involve,..."THINK"!

Test the waters, test the temperatures, prod, probe, read the signals, learn. Then DO what satisfies EACH of you. With EXPERIENCE, each will gain MORE confidence in the other. Use patience!

Sure,...we ALL have the tendency to REACH for that, *More intense orgasm than we have ever had*, but HASTE makes WASTE. I hate to WASTE my time!

When Dream and I went to the bus station, for her departure to Michigan,...I had planned all along to give her a "Send off Spanking". (she loves being spanked)

I waited outside, standing by Jack's p/u while she went inside to check in, and get an ID tag for baggage. I waited and waited, and waited. It seemed to take her forever.

I had parked in a small gravel parking area, that was AWAY from the hustle of the loading area. At first, my vehicle was alone, but shortly after Dream went inside,...another vehicle parked right alongside mine.

Dream finally emerged from the building, and came to where I was waiting. As she leaned over the seat to reach her bag on the other side, her ass was up high in the air.

"Perfect",...I said to myself, (and yes,...to me hers IS), but NOW, these two guys are RIGHT there alongside us. By this time,...I am now cussing to myself. ~!@#$%^&*()*&^%$#@!~

I need mention NOW,...Dream's bus was not on time,...a late arrival. "Shit,...I am running out of TIME here, what to do,...what to do?", I am thinking to myself.

For some reason, a HIGHER POWER came along and urged the two guys in the car to move their vehicle closer to the loading area, as Dream kneed herself backward and exited the p/u.

Ah Hah,...the moment was ripe! Though we were out in the open, in plain view, it mattered not,...this DEED would be done.
Kissing her passionately on the mouth, then looking her straight in the eye, I set the tone of my voice to authority and told her,...
"Now,...lean back through the door and bend across the seat!"

Her eyes opened wide, with surprise and excitement, for she KNEW what was going to happen. She complied without protest!
I quickly unbuckled my belt, and jerked it through the loops with a *swishing* sound that was sweet to hear.

I could smell her excitement! It was a clear day, the morning was bright as the sun was edging it's way to full morning. The air was clean and crisp in my nostrils, as I folded the belt in half.

"Whack-Whack-Whack",...I spanked her with my belt. The absolute SUBMISSION she gave to me, was a heady experience. One that I will NEVER forget!

I was for that MOMENT in time,...the most POWERFUL man on earth. I was Master of My Domain, Dominating My Kingdom, Ruling My Dream with Pride.

When it was over, she stood up beside me and whispered in my ear, "You know you were being watched don't you?" As I pulled her close to me I answered honestly, "No I didn't,...but it don't matter."

Sorry for getting OFF topic,...but Dream's post gave me an opportunity to share a golden moment with all of you,...I hope you didn't mind.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Well,

I only play with male subs, and my boys are pain sluts. I also know one of pretty well, and I know how much to give him, and he always has safewords and if he does not use them I keep going until I get the response I want. He hasn't used his safeword yet, so I guess all is well.

I have a new sub, who can take even more torture than sissy can. I am getting his body language down so that I can tell when he is ready for other things.

I just take things slowly. I also plan what I am going to do a bit (not too much) so I do not fumble.

So far so good.

Ebony <It's good to be the Queen!>