conundrum

[girlsmiley]

A young girl wants to live with me.

I sometimes work until 7pm.
My partner works the afternoon shift.

I want to put her in a boarding school, so she can have time with other kids.
My partner wants to keep her out of boarding school because she thinks the girl just wants to be with me.

I have no idea what to do.

 

[IrezumiKiss]

A young girl wants to live with me.

I sometimes work until 7pm.
My partner works the afternoon shift.

I want to put her in a boarding school, so she can have time with other kids.
My partner wants to keep her out of boarding school because she thinks the girl just wants to be with me.

I have no idea what to do.

You already know the answer. You don't want or need to be a surrogate mommy figure to someone else. Not to mention another person coming into your zone and mixing your vibe up.

I feel for your partner's possible altruistic wishes for the girl's welfare if she feels you're a good role model for her or whatnot, but if your name is the one that's on the lease, then case closed. Boarding school it is.

 

[Tryharder62]

Are you related to the girl?

 

[girlsmiley]

Are you related to the girl?

Kind of. In a way that I know her family and I know their style.
I'll do my best, you know?
I don't owe anyone anything, or nothing.
I just want to do what I can because she asked.

But do not get me wrong. It's fucking heavy shit.
And I don't know if I can handle it. I just do it.

I can do it.

 

[girlsmiley]

You already know the answer. You don't want or need to be a surrogate mommy figure to someone else. Not to mention another person coming into your zone and mixing your vibe up.

I feel for your partner's possible altruistic wishes for the girl's welfare if she feels you're a good role model for her or whatnot, but if your name is the one that's on the lease, then case closed. Boarding school it is.

But straight up Zumi, what if she's right? What if the girl just wants to be with me? Do I put her in public school and talk to my employer and hope they understand? I would DO that shit. For her.

 

[XdOu™]

follow what your heart says.

 

[girlsmiley]

See? Now I'm having a beer.

I don't have beers around kids though. Can you have beers around kids?

Fuck. It's really complicated.

Does that mean I have to give up? Oh em gee.

 

[bronzeage]

See? Now I'm having a beer.

I don't have beers around kids though. Can you have beers around kids?

Fuck. It's really complicated.

Does that mean I have to give up? Oh em gee.

There's no danger from second hand beer, like there is from second hand smoke.

If you remain responsible and adult like in all ways, when you drink beer, there is no reason you can't have beer around kids. The normal stuff applies. You can't get drunk and you can't let the kids drink beer.

 

[Wings]

Girly, you'll be fine. You might need to be given power of attorney or something but whatever makes this girl want to live with you is you. I drink around my kids, a beer at dinner or a glass of wine. My kids are incredible. I'm also strict and have high expectations.

You set rules, you expect them to be followed and you follow through with punishment if they're not. You set goals, all Bs every semester, you make it clear that communication is to be open, you monitor all electronics, you just show the fuck up.

Life isn't guaranteed for anyone and if you have the chance to shape someone's life I hope you grab onto that and run with it. If you don't have to be her mom be her best adult. If your employer is going to throw a fit that you're fostering someone then your job is shit.

Kids aren't rocket science, they're growing, learning humans. You show them how to be good adults. That's the point. You raise the next generation to be better.

 

[Lancecastor]

Dumb idea....you're not a social worker and you don't run a flop house.

The kid is almost certainly looking for an easy way out of whatever discipline and structure she's avoiding.

Don't be a sucker.

 

[IrezumiKiss]

But straight up Zumi, what if she's right? What if the girl just wants to be with me? Do I put her in public school and talk to my employer and hope they understand? I would DO that shit. For her.

Is this girl being neglected or abused in some way? Or does she just want a friend?

If it's all about her wanting your company because she likes you and if you have something to offer her by being a big sister, you can do that without having to have her share your space directly. Restructure your lifestyle so that you're able to spend physical together time with her out of each week, like say, one or two days when both of you are free.

If you are the type of person who values their personal space and time, her moving in with you will not go down well, even if you become stoic and try to soak up the annoyances that will happen as all of you mix with one another. Financially, socially, mentally...all those scripts will get flipped. And it's stuff you're not even seeing right now, even if you make a projection. Chaos theory is always waiting for that next chance to make a house party in your spot without your consent.

Not saying you can't or won't handle that, but handle it when you gotta do it, not because you want to do a offhand favor on a whim. People are not pets. I know you know this, but speaking as someone who cultivates their own space (because I am private and selfish and I know how I get down), just think about the pros and cons of this before you commit to another human being sharing you. You have limits as well. And your set-in-stone wants and needs and selfishness deserves to be cared for and catered to, also.

 

[VaticanAssassin]

Can you give the kid a better..... better not easier, life than a boarding home?
The right amount of discipline and direction needed for whatever her age is?

I would answer that question honestly before even considering it.

If the answer is yes, it is still not a automatic. How it impacts your life should be a consideration even if you feel selfish thinking that way.

 

[CHNOPS]

Personal opinion incorporating not a single consideration for finances, convenience, desire, aptitude or inclination:

Try it.

Say no and all she'll know about people is that they ship her off to places far away from them--or rather, that's all she'll know about herself. Even if it's true, there's plenty of time for that later on.

Say yes, and she learns that she was worth at least one person's time and attention. If it becomes unmanageable for the long term, you'll both know, and the boarding school will still be there. If it doesn't, you'll have changed at least two lives. In fact, either way, by saying yes, you'll have done that.

We don't get a lot of chances to help people who really need it. The world usually offers them to us for a reason.

 

[girlsmiley]

The girl doesn't come from a bad home.

I really appreaciate all of the things that you all have said. Really, I do.

I know from experience what it's like to be in boarding school... in a house. Because I spent most of my young life in a Catholic boarding school.

My probelm is this:

I do not want her on her own. I want her to be with other kids. Because I was sent and taken away. And I spent a shit-load of my young life away from everyone else. I was alone.
I do not want her in a home with adults only.

Am I wrong in my thinking? Should I be thinking it's ok having her here with us? Because I think it's selfish and it's wrong because she should be with other kids her age.

 

[Wings]

School should provide peer contact, shouldn't it?

 

[girlsmiley]

School should provide peer contact, shouldn't it?

Is that enough? Wouldn't it be better if she was exposed before and after school?

Maybe I'm thinking too much into it. I feel like I'm thinking too much.

Look. I just think it would be less lonely.

 

[Wings]

Is that enough? Wouldn't it be better if she was exposed before and after school?

Maybe I'm thinking too much into it. I feel like I'm thinking too much.

Look. I just think it would be less lonely.

I completely understand what you're saying but depending on her age, she will have/make friends, find extracurricular activities and whatnot. If she wants your attention there is a reason. She doesn't need a faux sibling.

 

[run_silent]

The girl doesn't come from a bad home.

I really appreaciate all of the things that you all have said. Really, I do.

I know from experience what it's like to be in boarding school... in a house. Because I spent most of my young life in a Catholic boarding school.

My probelm is this:

I do not want her on her own. I want her to be with other kids. Because I was sent and taken away. And I spent a shit-load of my young life away from everyone else. I was alone.
I do not want her in a home with adults only.

Am I wrong in my thinking? Should I be thinking it's ok having her here with us? Because I think it's selfish and it's wrong because she should be with other kids her age.

Wow. That is very revealing. Check your motives and see if you want to help her or some of the wounds YOU have from the past.

 

[Wings]

What parent doesn't do the same?

 

[IrezumiKiss]

Is that enough? Wouldn't it be better if she was exposed before and after school?

Maybe I'm thinking too much into it. I feel like I'm thinking too much.

Look. I just think it would be less lonely.

She needs to develop the social skills necessary to exist around her own peers. All that good and bad stuff that's associated with that, that's gotta mix in her slowly expanding pot. This will in turn, as she grows older with and around those peers, become soul food for the necessary mentality to exist as a growing adult person, woman and individual in general society.

Since this is not some sort of burning building rescue for her emotional psyche and physical well-being, I think boarding school is the best option, combined with your occasional visits or maybe weekend sleepovers at your crib.

 

[neci]

The girl doesn't come from a bad home.

...

Am I wrong in my thinking? Should I be thinking it's ok having her here with us? Because I think it's selfish and it's wrong because she should be with other kids her age.

What do her parents say? Have you spoken with them yet?

 

[ms_ann_thrope]

You're a crazy bitch and shouldn't be allowed around adolescents.

 

[girlsmiley]

Wow. That is very revealing. Check your motives and see if you want to help her or some of the wounds YOU have from the past.

I can see how you would think that. But oi...
I know how tough it can be.

This is not a Test!

All good. I will handle it.

 

[girlsmiley]

What do her parents say? Have you spoken with them yet?

Nothing mate. Nothing.

All good.

 

[girlsmiley]

You're a crazy bitch and shouldn't be allowed around adolescents.

Ken! How are ya? Fucking cunt.