Contest Entry

[Mary Riley]

Okay...well I recently entered a story into the Earth Day contest and have gotten nothing but good feedback. Unfortunately the rating on the story has declined greatly from when it was first submitted which leads me to think that there are people possibly giving other submissions low votes on purpose as well. Yes...it blows.

Anyways, I would like honest votes and feedback from anyone willing to take their time to give them. The story is called "An Erotic Outing".

Story

 

[hiddenself]

I liked it

I liked that little story. Very straight-forward but with enough variety to satisfy many tastes. Your writing was very good and I could find no real mistakes of grammar or spelling.

I think it started very slowly and most of the intro did not play any role in advancing the story. What is the point of telling us about the girls' difficulty getting up etc? The story could have easily started on the bus with absolutely no loss.

I also had some trouble with the realism of some parts, particularly your deus ex-machina to justify the "stranger fucking" that Terra started with the sleeping coach.

She gets close to the naked man and still doesn't recognize the coach? What, she is blindfolded? A single arm across his face is certainly not sufficient to make him a mystery, is it?

She only knows he's awake when he grabs her head? What, his moan did not give it away? She must be really naive if she thinks you can give a man who's asleep a blowjob without waking him (well, assuming he's not drugged out or drunk or whatever).

I understand what you were trying to accomplish but the trick is forced and totally unbelievable. That said, the sex scene was pretty vivid anyway.

It was a good fantasy story, maybe a little plain though. Not a great one. As an Earth Day entry, it could have used more elaborate descriptions of the natural environment and weaving it into the story (eg, sex in the water?). Some more plot complication might have helped too. So, I gave you a 4.

Anyway, I liked your writing enough to look up other stories of yours. Striga seems interesting (although, I've only read the first chapter so far). Good work.

hs

PS It's a contest, so maybe there's something funny going on with votes. But that's not necessarily so. Just like stretches of high votes, stretches of bad votes are also possible.

 

[sweetnpetite]

She only knows he's awake when he grabs her head? What, his moan did not give it away? She must be really naive if she thinks you can give a man who's asleep a blowjob without waking him (well, assuming he's not drugged out or drunk or whatever).

people can and do moan in there sleep. just an observation