Three One-Offs

[madelinemasoch]

I've only written three one-offs. I'd like some feedback from you on the forums on them.

In chronological order:

Walk of Shame - Nude Day 2023 contest submission. It's basically one long public humiliation scene.

Dark Love - First (and only) Loving Wives entry. It got a very low rating. Try to get past the scat in the opening. Well, try to get past the opening as a whole. Lol. I just want to know if the imagery is viby and cool enough in that one.

Creampie Cleanup - Interracial cuckoldry, in a more straightforward way than the other two. Tried to show the importance of the cuck and make the dynamic positive, with less degradation than I have employed in the past. The point of the story is literally the title, the climax.

Thanks, if anyone actually deigns to comment.

 

[TheRedChamber]

I had a look at Creampie Cleanup.

At its heart it's a simple "Once you go black..." story, but at the same time Melody is playing an interesting role in it. The problem I had was that I found it a tough read (and judging by a comment, I wasn't the only one). Ennui is a difficult opening mood to pull off because you're trying to pull someone into your world while at the same time your main character is bored with it. The result is we get a first page full of nothing very much. Part of the problem is that while we get hints and glimpses of Melody which might make the reader want to read on, there's also a whole bunch of scenes which go nowhere. You're writing a lot of seemingly extranous detail (there keeps being references to her pink water cup for example).

Take the first scene, your heroine.
- Checks her appearance.
- Walks down a corridor.
- Looks at a door
- Knocks on another door.

You end this scene with the following paragraphs:

While Ella made a note to look at the door, she did not cease to stride onward for fear of how she may be perceived. At the other end of the first floor of the hall was Leah's room. Ella reached her destination and knocked.

"Come in!" she heard Leah's voice instantly resound from the door's other side. Ella turned the doorknob and entered.

This wouldn't necessarily feel overwritten if the scene continued and something momentous happened, but you just immediately time skip to the next day. There are a number of words that raise the formal level of the writing above what I'd expect from a story set in college - adorned, stride, resound, vestment, countenance. This is a question of style, and it's does communicate that Ella is 'a bit moody' but I actually found it funny one the next page to read that Ella and Leah were twerking considering the atmosphere that your vocabulary choice have hinted at up to that point.

The other issue is dialogue. No scene on the first page has more than a call and response piece of dialogue. It gets slightly better going forward, but characters never actually talk to each other or say anything particularly interesting or which gives much of an insight into their characters. Leah especially isn't well defined - Ella says 'we should get ourselves some black guys' and she basically ums a bit and then agrees. Melody is the most interesting character, but I would have like to have heard more from her. You mention the communist flag on her door, but that's never really explored (maybe just student posturing). She seems to be active, but as soon as they makes friends she becomes all 'Yes, Goddess' all the time.

It might sound like I'm being quite harsh on this, but I enjoyed a lot of what is here. I would advise you to think about how you could have edited especially the first page so that event flow naturally together. A lot of what happens (twerking, lunch, walking down a corridor, party, sex with boyfriend) could be meshed together a lot tighter (and probably with fewer words or at least with more conversation)

 

[AlinaX]

One thing that jumps out from a brief glance is you frequently start a sentence with a character name. While it's important to use names for clarity and it helps to break up reliance on and repetition of pronouns, overuse of names is like wearing heavy boots indoors.

 

[alohadave]

Walk of Shame - Nude Day 2023 contest submission. It's basically one long public humiliation scene.

This feels like the middle of something else. There is no lead up or conclusion to the story.

 

[AG31]

I've only written three one-offs. I'd like some feedback from you on the forums on them.

I only read the first one because the subjects of the other two were so far out of my range of tastes. The comment I made is at the bottom of this reply.

Walk of Shame did raise a question I've had for a long time. What's an adjective that describes the state of being ashamed? A word analgous to "sissification" and "infantilization." I have a personal list of qualities that are deal breakers for me, and the quality so well described in A Walk of Shame is one of them. But I don't have a word. Do you?

I wish we could edit comments, because the fact that the writing never took me out of the moment was another reason for the 5 stars.

I'm giving this five stars for technical merit. It's well stated and flows. Here's an especially felicitous sentence: "The words rushed out of his mouth and fell to the space of the floor between them in a puddle."

At a personal level, I'm not into MCs who are ashamed, so I really sort of skimmed the last half.

 

[AG31]

This feels like the middle of something else. There is no lead up or conclusion to the story.

That's one of the things I liked. (I'll stay off my "simple erotica" band wagon beyond that.) I really respond to stories where I'm plunged directly into the eroticism.

 

[AlinaX]

Humiliated? Shamed? Degraded?

 

[AG31]

Humiliated? Shamed? Degraded?

A noun. Analagous to "sissification" and "infantilization." I don't care for xxxxxxxxxxxxx of the MC in a story.

 

[AlinaX]

The humiliated? The shamed? The degraded?

Oh.

Humiliation. Shame. Degradation.

 

[AG31]

@AlinaX - "Humiliation. Shame. Degradation."

Yeah... Those ought to work. Why do I still look for something?

Sissification and infantilization are more objective, less involved with the subjectivity of the MC.

I always think, English being the incredibly rich language that it is, that there's a perfect word.

OH!!!! WordHippo.com!!!!! Back in a bit.

I'm back. Well, maybe English is failing me here. I tried entering "shamification," but WordHippo was having none of it. These are the best I could come up with.

degradation (doesn't really do it, because doesn't necessarily mean the object feels shame...)
debasement - ditto

I could say "the quality you find in MadelineMasoch's main characters" - But that's a teensy bit cumbersome...