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man its nice to see the resolution so some of the issues people come in asking for help about. Usually people make a post and you never find out what happened in the typical news media fashion 
I'm glad things worked out for you and your hubby. I hope things stay that way and keep getting better and better.
I'm glad things worked out for you and your hubby. I hope things stay that way and keep getting better and better.
silverwhisper
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ditto, i think that's an excellent idea.
and j, sorry i missed this earlier! great news about his new job and i hope that weekend went well!
ed
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Sorry to move this thread up... IF ANYONE"S CONSIDERING ANSWERING JTOHISPB'S FIRST POST, READ THE WHOLE THREAD FIRST!
Now that I've gotten that out of the way... I'm posting here to thank JtohisPB for this thread, because I find myself now in a similar situation to the one she was in in her original post, and I'm hoping this thread can bring me a little guidance on getting my relationship back on track. A month ago today, my daughters and I moved in with my boyfriend, whom I've been with for over a year. When it was a long-distance relationship, it worked well; we talked by phone once or twice a week, and he spent his time off from work at my house with me and my kids. A bulk of that time was spent on his computer, but I let it go because after all, it was his time off, and he deserved to relax.
But now we're in the same household, and I feel like I saw more of him when it was long-distance. Part of it's work-related; he's a tow-boat captain (like a road service, but for boats instead of cars), and summer's his busy season. Right now, he works second shift Friday through Tuesday. A week after my kids and I moved, I started a new job which is first shift Monday through Thursday, and alternates between Friday and Saturday. So basically, most days I wake him up to say goodbye before I leave for work in the mornings, and he wakes me to say hello when he gets home from work at night, and other than that we don't really see each other. On his days off, when we could possibly spend time together after I get home from work, he's usually firmly ensconced on the computer- even while saying, "I should spend some time with you and not so much on this thing"- and on my days off, he often doesn't get up until an hour or so before he has to leave for work, and then he spends that time on his computer with his coffee "gearing up" for the day.
When he and I started seeing each other, and for many months afterward, I felt like the most important thing in his life when we were together. I haven't felt that for a long time. Since we moved in together and have had to deal with day-to-day issues like money and home repairs, I feel like the least important thing, because he doesn't like talking about that kind of stuff and so sticks his head in the computer like an ostrich in the sand.
So given that situation, along comes the complication. I'm a member of AdultFriendFinder, and there's an active group in my region that has regular get-togethers at local bars and even at some members' homes. (Nothing sexual; just to meet other members of the chat room.) That's actually how I met my boyfriend; a friend of mine from that group had a barbecue at her house and he and I both happened to be there. Two years ago, I met a guy who's part of that group. He and I hit it off; there was undeniable attraction, but more than that, there was a rare compatibility between us. We did "get together" once, but it only happened once because at that time, I lived in Maine and he lived in Boston. We stayed friends, though, until about six months later when a series of events in his life led him to leave AFF and drop contact with everyone he knew from there.
Fast forward... I met my boyfriend over Memorial Day weekend 2008, at the aforementioned barbecue. Since our friend from AFF has a barbecue at her place every Memorial weekend, we decided to go to this year's since it would be the one-year anniversary of our meeting. I noted everyone else who arrived... and then I saw my friend, the one who'd been out of touch for a year and a half. It was his first event since re-joining AFF. For the first five minutes, our conversation was a bit awkward, but before long he and I were talking as though that year and a half didn't exist. A couple weeks ago, I went to another barbecue, he was there, and he and I spent hours sitting on the sidelines talking, in addition to some conversation in the chat room.
I'm sure you can guess the next part. When I met my friend, he and I lived 2 hours apart. When I met my boyfriend, he and I lived 2 hours apart. Yep... my friend now lives one mile from me. I asked my boyfriend if he minded if the friend and I hung out together occasionally, as friends, and he had no problem with it. Problem is, two years ago I had feelings for the friend, and in talking with him I know that he and I still have feelings for each other. Very strong feelings, and they aren't merely lust, though that is part of it. I saw him the other night and we kissed, and it was far from an innocent kiss. That's where things were left; he wants me, and he knows I want him, but he also knows I want to honor my commitment to my boyfriend. I shouldn't even have kissed him, but it was the whole cliche "caught up in the moment" thing.
In thinking about it, I think that if it were at all possible I would want a relationship with both men. But I don't think it's at all possible, and I know that what seems good in thought may not work out so well in practice. I think it would be especially hurtful to my boyfriend. He's never been in a relationship that's lasted more than a few months, has never lived with anyone, and I think that's part of the stumbling block we've got now. The last thing I'd ever want to do is hurt him. The second-to-last thing is to hurt my friend. He's the kind who hides his feelings if he allows himself to have them at all, and the fact that he's opened himself up enough to talk about what he feels for me awes me. I definitely don't want to end the friendship, though that would arguably be the wisest thing. But I want to keep the friendship on a level that doesn't compromise my relationship with my boyfriend. My friend has said he'll follow my lead on the situation; he won't do anything I don't want him to do.
When I'm with my friend, I feel like for that span of time, I am the most important thing in his life. I have his undivided attention. I have caring and affection. I have what brought my boyfriend and me together, which we've lost over the past few months. I don't want to use what I get from my friend as a replacement for getting it from my boyfriend. I want to bring my boyfriend's and my relationship back on track so I can have that with him again.
So this is a really long post, and if you've read this far you're more persistent than I am. lol. I have no one in my life with whom I can talk about this, other than in the most general terms; all of my "in-person" friends are people I know from AFF, which means that they know both men as well. That would make things awkward. (I did tell one friend that things are bad enough that I've considered cheating on my boyfriend, but didn't let on that something had already happened nor that I even had a candidate in mind.) So that's why I'm pouring this out on an internet forum, where people don't really know me and where I've seen people give good, nonjudgmental advice among the detritus.
I apologize again for pushing this thread back up to the top, and for the length of my post. I'm off now to re-read the rest of the thread and see how JtohisPB got her marriage back on track, and if anyone has any advice for me on the matter, I'd appreciate it.
Now that I've gotten that out of the way... I'm posting here to thank JtohisPB for this thread, because I find myself now in a similar situation to the one she was in in her original post, and I'm hoping this thread can bring me a little guidance on getting my relationship back on track. A month ago today, my daughters and I moved in with my boyfriend, whom I've been with for over a year. When it was a long-distance relationship, it worked well; we talked by phone once or twice a week, and he spent his time off from work at my house with me and my kids. A bulk of that time was spent on his computer, but I let it go because after all, it was his time off, and he deserved to relax.
But now we're in the same household, and I feel like I saw more of him when it was long-distance. Part of it's work-related; he's a tow-boat captain (like a road service, but for boats instead of cars), and summer's his busy season. Right now, he works second shift Friday through Tuesday. A week after my kids and I moved, I started a new job which is first shift Monday through Thursday, and alternates between Friday and Saturday. So basically, most days I wake him up to say goodbye before I leave for work in the mornings, and he wakes me to say hello when he gets home from work at night, and other than that we don't really see each other. On his days off, when we could possibly spend time together after I get home from work, he's usually firmly ensconced on the computer- even while saying, "I should spend some time with you and not so much on this thing"- and on my days off, he often doesn't get up until an hour or so before he has to leave for work, and then he spends that time on his computer with his coffee "gearing up" for the day.
When he and I started seeing each other, and for many months afterward, I felt like the most important thing in his life when we were together. I haven't felt that for a long time. Since we moved in together and have had to deal with day-to-day issues like money and home repairs, I feel like the least important thing, because he doesn't like talking about that kind of stuff and so sticks his head in the computer like an ostrich in the sand.
So given that situation, along comes the complication. I'm a member of AdultFriendFinder, and there's an active group in my region that has regular get-togethers at local bars and even at some members' homes. (Nothing sexual; just to meet other members of the chat room.) That's actually how I met my boyfriend; a friend of mine from that group had a barbecue at her house and he and I both happened to be there. Two years ago, I met a guy who's part of that group. He and I hit it off; there was undeniable attraction, but more than that, there was a rare compatibility between us. We did "get together" once, but it only happened once because at that time, I lived in Maine and he lived in Boston. We stayed friends, though, until about six months later when a series of events in his life led him to leave AFF and drop contact with everyone he knew from there.
Fast forward... I met my boyfriend over Memorial Day weekend 2008, at the aforementioned barbecue. Since our friend from AFF has a barbecue at her place every Memorial weekend, we decided to go to this year's since it would be the one-year anniversary of our meeting. I noted everyone else who arrived... and then I saw my friend, the one who'd been out of touch for a year and a half. It was his first event since re-joining AFF. For the first five minutes, our conversation was a bit awkward, but before long he and I were talking as though that year and a half didn't exist. A couple weeks ago, I went to another barbecue, he was there, and he and I spent hours sitting on the sidelines talking, in addition to some conversation in the chat room.
I'm sure you can guess the next part. When I met my friend, he and I lived 2 hours apart. When I met my boyfriend, he and I lived 2 hours apart. Yep... my friend now lives one mile from me. I asked my boyfriend if he minded if the friend and I hung out together occasionally, as friends, and he had no problem with it. Problem is, two years ago I had feelings for the friend, and in talking with him I know that he and I still have feelings for each other. Very strong feelings, and they aren't merely lust, though that is part of it. I saw him the other night and we kissed, and it was far from an innocent kiss. That's where things were left; he wants me, and he knows I want him, but he also knows I want to honor my commitment to my boyfriend. I shouldn't even have kissed him, but it was the whole cliche "caught up in the moment" thing.
In thinking about it, I think that if it were at all possible I would want a relationship with both men. But I don't think it's at all possible, and I know that what seems good in thought may not work out so well in practice. I think it would be especially hurtful to my boyfriend. He's never been in a relationship that's lasted more than a few months, has never lived with anyone, and I think that's part of the stumbling block we've got now. The last thing I'd ever want to do is hurt him. The second-to-last thing is to hurt my friend. He's the kind who hides his feelings if he allows himself to have them at all, and the fact that he's opened himself up enough to talk about what he feels for me awes me. I definitely don't want to end the friendship, though that would arguably be the wisest thing. But I want to keep the friendship on a level that doesn't compromise my relationship with my boyfriend. My friend has said he'll follow my lead on the situation; he won't do anything I don't want him to do.
When I'm with my friend, I feel like for that span of time, I am the most important thing in his life. I have his undivided attention. I have caring and affection. I have what brought my boyfriend and me together, which we've lost over the past few months. I don't want to use what I get from my friend as a replacement for getting it from my boyfriend. I want to bring my boyfriend's and my relationship back on track so I can have that with him again.
So this is a really long post, and if you've read this far you're more persistent than I am. lol. I have no one in my life with whom I can talk about this, other than in the most general terms; all of my "in-person" friends are people I know from AFF, which means that they know both men as well. That would make things awkward. (I did tell one friend that things are bad enough that I've considered cheating on my boyfriend, but didn't let on that something had already happened nor that I even had a candidate in mind.) So that's why I'm pouring this out on an internet forum, where people don't really know me and where I've seen people give good, nonjudgmental advice among the detritus.
I apologize again for pushing this thread back up to the top, and for the length of my post. I'm off now to re-read the rest of the thread and see how JtohisPB got her marriage back on track, and if anyone has any advice for me on the matter, I'd appreciate it.
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To me the first step is better communication. I’m not necessarily saying to fully disclose what is going on with your friend. However, I think you need to discuss the direction of your current relationship. Let him know that there is a feeling of distance between you and how it could be addressed. Try to set up a date night and or other ways to express your feelings towards him.
Next you need to do some soul searching as to your feelings towards your “new” friend. Unless you have an open relationship you are running the risk of destroying both relationships. In your case it sounds like you could literally wind up in the streets. That of course is not the ideal situation for your children. Remember no relationship is perfect, you have to do whatever it takes to make it work.
Next you need to do some soul searching as to your feelings towards your “new” friend. Unless you have an open relationship you are running the risk of destroying both relationships. In your case it sounds like you could literally wind up in the streets. That of course is not the ideal situation for your children. Remember no relationship is perfect, you have to do whatever it takes to make it work.
jowen, I agree completely about the communication. That- or rather the lack of it- is a huge problem, in part because thanks to our work hours, the time to communicate isn't always there. I did just have a talk with him, and I feel better about the way things are going. He hadn't realized how I was feeling, but when I told him the first thing he said was, "Let's make an effort to spend more time together. How about a date night this week?" He's such a good man, and I do occasionally need to remind myself that I can sort things out with him.
The other guy is an old friend, not a new one, but I know what you mean. I've been soul-searching, which is what brought me to the point of trying to figure all this out and of wanting to work on my relationship with my boyfriend. I'm not in an open relationship; I don't think I could manage that, and I'm not going to try. I want the relationship with my boyfriend and the *friendship* with my friend.
I do know that I need to work on my relationship. That's why I posted this, to figure out how to work on it. I think now that I know he's willing to work too, and that makes a big difference.
The other guy is an old friend, not a new one, but I know what you mean. I've been soul-searching, which is what brought me to the point of trying to figure all this out and of wanting to work on my relationship with my boyfriend. I'm not in an open relationship; I don't think I could manage that, and I'm not going to try. I want the relationship with my boyfriend and the *friendship* with my friend.
I do know that I need to work on my relationship. That's why I posted this, to figure out how to work on it. I think now that I know he's willing to work too, and that makes a big difference.
silverwhisper
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karenna, how often does your boyfriend get to take vacation? and have you communicated to him that the amt of time he spends online when you're both physically in the same place is incredibly problematic? because given what you said, it seems clear to me that you're after emotional intimacy that presently is absent. i can't help wondering to what extent you'd really care about the long-lost friend showing up again.
i don't know anything about your relationship other than what's in the post you wrote. a LDR can be tricky: you have to plan to carry on a LDR, whereas considerably less planning is required for traditional relationships.
i was a year ahead of my now-wife in college, so i exited school earlier. our phone calls were a lot more intimate, caring and substantial then than the ones we have now. so to some extent, some drop-off in the intimacy now that it's no longer on a LDR basis is inevitable. i think you must recognize that, though, right?
honestly, i'm not sure that until your relationship with your boyfriend is on more stable footing that spending time with your friend is a good idea, b/c it seems to me that if a mutual attraction exists, preventing opportunities for it to be realized would simply be prudent, no?
ed
i don't know anything about your relationship other than what's in the post you wrote. a LDR can be tricky: you have to plan to carry on a LDR, whereas considerably less planning is required for traditional relationships.
i was a year ahead of my now-wife in college, so i exited school earlier. our phone calls were a lot more intimate, caring and substantial then than the ones we have now. so to some extent, some drop-off in the intimacy now that it's no longer on a LDR basis is inevitable. i think you must recognize that, though, right?
honestly, i'm not sure that until your relationship with your boyfriend is on more stable footing that spending time with your friend is a good idea, b/c it seems to me that if a mutual attraction exists, preventing opportunities for it to be realized would simply be prudent, no?
ed
satindesire
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I have to say...silver raises an excellent point. You should avoid spending too much time alone with your guy friend, because right now you're in a very vulnerable and heart-needy spot in your life...being alone with him presents too many opportunities to do brash things that may seem like a good idea at the time, but would just end up hurting all three of you in the end.
I can't see an issue spending some (read: SOME) time with the guy friend in public places where intimacy would be out of the question and romance is off the table...but at any point you've got to understand that being 'caught up in the moment' isn't a realistic excuse for anything you might do. You're still a human being with a rational thinking brain capable of making choices, and everything you do is a CHOICE, a conscious one, and if you do end up doing things you regret, it's because you chose to.
I'm not trying to offend here, and I hope you take that advice with a grain of salt. What I want to really drive home here is the fact that you have to make a concious desicion whether or not you value your relationship with your boyfriend to make the effort that it takes to continue nurturing the relationship. Early on, it's easy to be the undivided center of attention of your boyfriend, because it's the beginning of the relationship and still very nervous-making and exciting. Once those butterflies fade into something more comfortable and familiar, it's all too easy to think that you're 'missing something' or you've fallen out of love, when in all reality you've merely stopped reacting so chemically to the new person.
Too many people think that relationships should ALWAYS be the butterfly-inducing, sweaty-palms-having gut-wrenching feeling, but to be honest with you, I've never heard of a single relationship that has gone long-term that's still like that. I'm not saying you can't still feel flutters for your boyfriend, but the newness of a fresh relationship shouldn't be your expectation for the entire relationship.
Simply put: Realistically....You can't be your boyfriend's top priority 100% of the time. If you're both adults (and I'm assuming you are both in your twenties at least, with jobs and responsibilities, etc.) you've got things that are just as important as the relationship, such as bills, jobs, chores, expectations and responsibilities beyond just you two. If you both allow these things to consistently drive a wedge in the relationship, however, without consciously making an effort to express your needs openly without fear, to communicate your thoughts without hesitation and to remind yourselves that you need each other, then this is what happens: Other things suddenly become MORE important.
Making a conscious effort to prioritize communication and the relationship is the only thing that adults can do to maintain that relationship. It won't happen on it's own...time to spend with each other doesn't just magically appear, and you both aren't mind readers. You have to ask for what you want and you have to make plans for each other.
If you can do that, then you're golden, now and forever.
I can't see an issue spending some (read: SOME) time with the guy friend in public places where intimacy would be out of the question and romance is off the table...but at any point you've got to understand that being 'caught up in the moment' isn't a realistic excuse for anything you might do. You're still a human being with a rational thinking brain capable of making choices, and everything you do is a CHOICE, a conscious one, and if you do end up doing things you regret, it's because you chose to.
I'm not trying to offend here, and I hope you take that advice with a grain of salt. What I want to really drive home here is the fact that you have to make a concious desicion whether or not you value your relationship with your boyfriend to make the effort that it takes to continue nurturing the relationship. Early on, it's easy to be the undivided center of attention of your boyfriend, because it's the beginning of the relationship and still very nervous-making and exciting. Once those butterflies fade into something more comfortable and familiar, it's all too easy to think that you're 'missing something' or you've fallen out of love, when in all reality you've merely stopped reacting so chemically to the new person.
Too many people think that relationships should ALWAYS be the butterfly-inducing, sweaty-palms-having gut-wrenching feeling, but to be honest with you, I've never heard of a single relationship that has gone long-term that's still like that. I'm not saying you can't still feel flutters for your boyfriend, but the newness of a fresh relationship shouldn't be your expectation for the entire relationship.
Simply put: Realistically....You can't be your boyfriend's top priority 100% of the time. If you're both adults (and I'm assuming you are both in your twenties at least, with jobs and responsibilities, etc.) you've got things that are just as important as the relationship, such as bills, jobs, chores, expectations and responsibilities beyond just you two. If you both allow these things to consistently drive a wedge in the relationship, however, without consciously making an effort to express your needs openly without fear, to communicate your thoughts without hesitation and to remind yourselves that you need each other, then this is what happens: Other things suddenly become MORE important.
Making a conscious effort to prioritize communication and the relationship is the only thing that adults can do to maintain that relationship. It won't happen on it's own...time to spend with each other doesn't just magically appear, and you both aren't mind readers. You have to ask for what you want and you have to make plans for each other.
If you can do that, then you're golden, now and forever.
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PeterHenson
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My advice is to go for it, if you really love someone then something will stop you from going through with it, if not you will have great sex. You will also regret it, or maybe not and then where are you? Back to square one, confused and unhappy, but at least you got some sex out of it.
Seriously stay true to your husband/wife it is not worth it to cheat. You might be able to fix things, but if you cheat then there may not be anything to fix, you just ended everything for sex.
I just hope for you cheaters that the sex sucks and was not even worth the gas money.
Seriously stay true to your husband/wife it is not worth it to cheat. You might be able to fix things, but if you cheat then there may not be anything to fix, you just ended everything for sex.
I just hope for you cheaters that the sex sucks and was not even worth the gas money.
Thank you all. I did talk to my boyfriend earlier and sorted some things out with him. I think we're heading for a more stable footing now.
Silver, he isn't able to take any time off from May through October, because that's his busy season. He gets vacation time, but can only take it in the winter. I have spoken to him before about the time he spends online, and I brought it up again today. He seemed surprised that I hadn't realized that all I have to do is say, "Pay attention to me" and he'll get off the computer; I hadn't realized it because he acts like the computer is more important. So I think we got that straightened out now.
Silver and Satin, I agree about spending time with my friend. He and the friendship are valuable to me, but not as valuable as my relationship.
Satin, I know I chose to do what I did; I'm not trying to push off that responsibility by saying it was "caught up in the moment". I just meant it wasn't premeditated. I do disagree that I shouldn't expect to be my boyfriend's top priority, though. I might not be the thing he is completely focused on 100% of the time, but I think he and I should be the most important things in each other's lives- other than my kids, of course, because they do have to come first. Saying he and I should be each other's top priorities to me doesn't mean that other things don't need our attention; it just means that we put each other first and think about each other even when other things do need our attention. And I include prioritizing communication as part of that. He and I agreed today to have a regular date night, and to figure out ways to make sure we have time to talk each day. He also reminded me that I need to stop being so afraid of "bothering" him, which is an issue I know I have and am trying to deal with.
JtohisPB, thank you. My friend is of the "it is what it is" school of thought, so I usually follow that when it comes to him as well. In other words, if we're meant to remain friends even when I inform him that what happened the other night will never happen again and that we have to be completely platonic, then we'll remain friends. If not, we won't. I'm not going to push it one way or the other. He's important to me, but I've made the decision that my focus needs to be on my relationship with my boyfriend. I'm sorry that it didn't work out for you to stay friends with your friend.
I did talk to my boyfriend this afternoon; I had already made the decision to put him and the relationship first before I posted my first post here. I just wasn't sure it would work, because I wasn't sure if I'd be able to communicate to him what I needed from him without upsetting him. But that communication did happen, and we did agree that we need to make each other and our relationship a priority.
Silver, he isn't able to take any time off from May through October, because that's his busy season. He gets vacation time, but can only take it in the winter. I have spoken to him before about the time he spends online, and I brought it up again today. He seemed surprised that I hadn't realized that all I have to do is say, "Pay attention to me" and he'll get off the computer; I hadn't realized it because he acts like the computer is more important. So I think we got that straightened out now.
Silver and Satin, I agree about spending time with my friend. He and the friendship are valuable to me, but not as valuable as my relationship.
Satin, I know I chose to do what I did; I'm not trying to push off that responsibility by saying it was "caught up in the moment". I just meant it wasn't premeditated. I do disagree that I shouldn't expect to be my boyfriend's top priority, though. I might not be the thing he is completely focused on 100% of the time, but I think he and I should be the most important things in each other's lives- other than my kids, of course, because they do have to come first. Saying he and I should be each other's top priorities to me doesn't mean that other things don't need our attention; it just means that we put each other first and think about each other even when other things do need our attention. And I include prioritizing communication as part of that. He and I agreed today to have a regular date night, and to figure out ways to make sure we have time to talk each day. He also reminded me that I need to stop being so afraid of "bothering" him, which is an issue I know I have and am trying to deal with.
JtohisPB, thank you. My friend is of the "it is what it is" school of thought, so I usually follow that when it comes to him as well. In other words, if we're meant to remain friends even when I inform him that what happened the other night will never happen again and that we have to be completely platonic, then we'll remain friends. If not, we won't. I'm not going to push it one way or the other. He's important to me, but I've made the decision that my focus needs to be on my relationship with my boyfriend. I'm sorry that it didn't work out for you to stay friends with your friend.
I did talk to my boyfriend this afternoon; I had already made the decision to put him and the relationship first before I posted my first post here. I just wasn't sure it would work, because I wasn't sure if I'd be able to communicate to him what I needed from him without upsetting him. But that communication did happen, and we did agree that we need to make each other and our relationship a priority.
silverwhisper
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there are times when i'll be on the computer and my wife will be bored--but honestly, if i'm not aware that she's bored, i can't take any action to correct this: i have to know that there's a problem in the first place.
ed
I agree. I've told him a few times in the past that it bothers me when he's on the computer so much. I think he figured I knew it was okay to interrupt him, because he knows he considers me more important than the computer. Meanwhile, I didn't think it was okay to interrupt him, because he gets so into what he's doing, and that was making me feel less important. So now that I've told him how I feel, and he's told me that he wants me to interrupt the computer stuff if I have something to say to him or even if I just want a hug, I think we're on the same page about it.
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ecstaticsub
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It is so great to see you doing so well. It's also really great to see you have no regrets. We learn something from whatever choices we make in life. I never could beone of those people who keep secret affairs from my spouse for years and years. It would totally suck all the energy out of me, and probably the joy out of the extramarital relationship, too.
Thanks for the update.
Thanks for the update.
JtohisPB, I'm glad you and your husband have worked/are working things out and that things are going so well for you.
In my case, I know that the feelings I have for my friend are left over from a couple years ago, and I think that's why, when I felt lonely and ignored by my boyfriend, it was so easy to think of getting something going with my friend. It wasn't new; it was old, familiar, and comfortable. As long as I keep some emotional distance between us, once I'm certain that I won't be tempted, I can still have that comfort from my friend, I think. But only in the same way that any friend would comfort another. Nothing more. And maybe only in the chat room and on IM, just for safety's sake.
JtohisPB, you did a lot of work to get your marriage back on track, and you and your husband should be so proud of yourselves for doing it. I want to be you when I grow up. (That sounds flippant, but I mean it sincerely.)
In my case, I know that the feelings I have for my friend are left over from a couple years ago, and I think that's why, when I felt lonely and ignored by my boyfriend, it was so easy to think of getting something going with my friend. It wasn't new; it was old, familiar, and comfortable. As long as I keep some emotional distance between us, once I'm certain that I won't be tempted, I can still have that comfort from my friend, I think. But only in the same way that any friend would comfort another. Nothing more. And maybe only in the chat room and on IM, just for safety's sake.
JtohisPB, you did a lot of work to get your marriage back on track, and you and your husband should be so proud of yourselves for doing it. I want to be you when I grow up. (That sounds flippant, but I mean it sincerely.)
Truthfully, what an amazing series of posts!
Such concern, so much care, all those thoughts & suggestions - to me, as someone leaning towards the more 'mature' end of the scale, I am so encouraged when I see all this good common sense being so willingly offered & shared around.
And, the above is NOT in the least me being sracastic! I do really mean it. I wish to God the resources of the web & internet was even an option when I was much younger ,....
Two things come up for me in this long post - & there is a good chance that I may get flamed at for even bringing them up ... but, I do so to be constructive, certainly not, destructive.
Some of the 'in love' feelings desribed previously are often referered to now, in today's jargon as NRE - New Relationship Energy. Most people have been fortunate to have experienced this, it truly is an amazing 'space/place' to be in & it can affect us all, girls, boys, bi's, G's & L's .... it is a genuine human emotion. Many just didn't know the term NRE.
The question comes up .... what do we do about it? And that depends a great deal on where you coming from, where you are at, & what you are prepared to examine as possible solutions. I'll come clean right up front! I do not, never, ever will believe that Cheat should ever have a place on the table. It is NOT an option to the civilised. Whatever solutions are going to be considered & there are many, - in my book - they have to pass to pass the 'smell test' .... "Is this ethical?" .... also called litmus test. And, yes, ethical means many things to many people ..... It has to pass YOUR ethical test!
There are a small, but expanding minority of folk, world-wide, who do recognise that having intimate feelings for more than one person at any given time, is in fact 'OK' on their particular scale of being authentic & ethical. A short trip around 'Google' with "polyamory" in the searching bar could be enlightning - if this concept is all new to you. That said, once you know more, you are in a better position to comment from a stronger position ... it may or may not be something that sits well with you; your up-bringing & where you are in your discovery of 'life' mayor may not allow you to even consider this, let alone try & embrace it.
Lastly, for now, a good deal of my thoughts do come from deep & painful experience. I had to reach out and try to find some solutions that would work for ME, not necessarily everyone.
To that end, I have done some wonderfully mind-opening w/end workshops with the HAI organisation. Those who are open to discovery I encourage you to check out ... hai.org ... This is nothing new; been going since the late '60's, but Oh My, did it really help me!
M.
Such concern, so much care, all those thoughts & suggestions - to me, as someone leaning towards the more 'mature' end of the scale, I am so encouraged when I see all this good common sense being so willingly offered & shared around.
And, the above is NOT in the least me being sracastic! I do really mean it. I wish to God the resources of the web & internet was even an option when I was much younger ,....
Two things come up for me in this long post - & there is a good chance that I may get flamed at for even bringing them up ... but, I do so to be constructive, certainly not, destructive.
Some of the 'in love' feelings desribed previously are often referered to now, in today's jargon as NRE - New Relationship Energy. Most people have been fortunate to have experienced this, it truly is an amazing 'space/place' to be in & it can affect us all, girls, boys, bi's, G's & L's .... it is a genuine human emotion. Many just didn't know the term NRE.
The question comes up .... what do we do about it? And that depends a great deal on where you coming from, where you are at, & what you are prepared to examine as possible solutions. I'll come clean right up front! I do not, never, ever will believe that Cheat should ever have a place on the table. It is NOT an option to the civilised. Whatever solutions are going to be considered & there are many, - in my book - they have to pass to pass the 'smell test' .... "Is this ethical?" .... also called litmus test. And, yes, ethical means many things to many people ..... It has to pass YOUR ethical test!
There are a small, but expanding minority of folk, world-wide, who do recognise that having intimate feelings for more than one person at any given time, is in fact 'OK' on their particular scale of being authentic & ethical. A short trip around 'Google' with "polyamory" in the searching bar could be enlightning - if this concept is all new to you. That said, once you know more, you are in a better position to comment from a stronger position ... it may or may not be something that sits well with you; your up-bringing & where you are in your discovery of 'life' mayor may not allow you to even consider this, let alone try & embrace it.
Lastly, for now, a good deal of my thoughts do come from deep & painful experience. I had to reach out and try to find some solutions that would work for ME, not necessarily everyone.
To that end, I have done some wonderfully mind-opening w/end workshops with the HAI organisation. Those who are open to discovery I encourage you to check out ... hai.org ... This is nothing new; been going since the late '60's, but Oh My, did it really help me!
M.
