Considering cheating...seeking advice

[subwannabe]

It's been more than a year since he's eaten dinner with our daughters (ages 7 & 5) and me

I have to put up with his sighing and acting like spending time alone with his children is a big chore

He's irritable and hard to be around

He's impatient with me and even more impatient with our girls

This is what you call "a very good man, better than many I know"?


You've got a lot more problems here than just a lack of passion. Cheating is not the answer. You should try joint counseling but if he won't go then you can go by yourself. I'm sorry to say but it looks like your marriage is over. You have to come to grips with this and it will actually be better sooner rather than later. Don't cheat but keep in contact with this other person. Get a divorce and then see how things wind up with the other person. You deserve better and so do your girls. Good luck.

 

[SweetErika]

It's been more than a year since he's eaten dinner with our daughters (ages 7 & 5) and me

I have to put up with his sighing and acting like spending time alone with his children is a big chore

He's irritable and hard to be around

He's impatient with me and even more impatient with our girls

This is what you call "a very good man, better than many I know"?


You've got a lot more problems here than just a lack of passion. Cheating is not the answer. You should try joint counseling but if he won't go then you can go by yourself. I'm sorry to say but it looks like your marriage is over. You have to come to grips with this and it will actually be better sooner rather than later. Don't cheat but keep in contact with this other person. Get a divorce and then see how things wind up with the other person. You deserve better and so do your girls. Good luck.

Did you read her most recent posts? He agrees there's a problem and they're going to try therapy right away.

It ain't over 'til it's over.

 

[subwannabe]

Glad to hear things are going better. I didn't get a chance to read the most recent posts.

 

[unregistered]

 

[unregistered]

Thanks, Erika and Bondage

 

[wildehafer]

Just wanted to let all of you, but especially the two of you, for carefully reading my posts. We had our first counseling session today, and it was very, very good. Actually, we had fun in the lobby completing the paperwork. Answering questions regarding our responses to anger...we started teasing each other. It was nice.

We both cried...we both apologized...neither of us attacked the other. The counselor was respectful...I am incredibly optimistic.

My husband IS a very good man, and that is exactly why I was so torn on the fidelity issue. He is a workaholic to the point that he was letting every personal relationship suffer. It wasn't exactly intentional...but he didn't realize the full impact on me. He agreed to go to counseling with absolutely no hesitation.

We are fighting for each other.

Family always come first.

Work doesn't make dinner, massage tired shoulders, give a warm hug or a sympathetic ear.

Priorities need to be reassesed.

to you both.

 

[Quoll]

Congrats JtohisPB.

It's considered a bit tacky to quote oneself but I'm ok with tacky so I'll quote anyway.

...reality, which you seem to have a firm grasp of.

 

[silverwhisper]

j quoth:
we are fighting for each other.

that makes me happy. :>

ed

 

[Satorie]

Seriously if you have finance questions, and I know he is not everyone’s cup of tea, but I say Dave Ramsey. He has a Radio show but he is so much more than that he has several best selling books, just Google him. It is common senesce stuff so anyone can follow along and he it has changed mine and many people I knows life… by the book!

Money could be the root of a lot of this, I believe it is still the number one reason for divorce and it affects people differently. I myself get stressed and shut down, and that could be your hubby too… talking about that helps big time. But if you just read the book, and follow the advice it will get you talking and that is a huge step in the right direction.

 

[unregistered]

thanks

 

[kevintn]

Hey J -
Just now read this thread and am glad to hear things are improving. Marriage counseling takes time but the time is well worth the time )).

Good luck to your entire family as that is what this is really about.

 

[PublicAffection]

I'm so glad to hear that you are working things out with your husband. I hope the best for you both!

 

[unregistered]

 

[PublicAffection]

Hey, my thread came back to life!!

Seriously, thanks for all the help, concern, and well wishes. Aside from the great advice I received, I've since gotten a few PM's from people "just checking" to see how we are. There are some very nice people on this site!

And, I'm happy to say, we are doing very well, thank you. We don't exactly like our marriage counselor which is actually working out for us. A friend said we will joke a decade from now that "our mutual dislike of our therapist is what saved our marriage."

That's great! There has to be something for the two of you to team up against - even if it is against the person you hired to help you work it out Hopefully you will both continue to find common ground and will be able to move forward together in the same direction again.

Congrats!

 

[breezyblue]

good luck!! im so glad to hear things are improving for you both!

 

[pastmyprime]

You are just beginning to experience the wonderful joy of the aging woman...I believe, as a woman, that we grow into our body...What we used to have sexually is not enough...This is not always because he loves us less but that we as a woman need more...I have found that with aging that different things occupy a man's mind than a woman..Saying this, I have taken on the role of the sexual leader of the pack...Not obviously, but by subtle hints and actions..

What you are fighting for will not be won overnight...It is up to you to go back and find yourself and turn this hot sexual woman into all that you used to be and bring him along in the process...Try to bring him back to the place he used to be and never let it get away again...I doubt that people here know what a glorious and sexual place in life it is to be older and hotter than years gone by......Find it...Capture it....And don't forget it...

I send you my best wishes..
PMP

 

[EasyDoesIt]

Glad to see that you are making progress. It takes work and you both deserve credit.

An observation: Workaholic dads sometimes don't know how to spend quality time with people......wives and kids included. Spending time with and truely knowing my daughter is certainly one of THE best things I have done in life. Kids need dads and dads need kids.

Good luck to you all.

 

[Sir Victor]

Just wanted to let all of you, but especially the two of you, for carefully reading my posts. We had our first counseling session today, and it was very, very good. Actually, we had fun in the lobby completing the paperwork. Answering questions regarding our responses to anger...we started teasing each other. It was nice.

We both cried...we both apologized...neither of us attacked the other. The counselor was respectful...I am incredibly optimistic.

My husband IS a very good man, and that is exactly why I was so torn on the fidelity issue. He is a workaholic to the point that he was letting every personal relationship suffer. It wasn't exactly intentional...but he didn't realize the full impact on me. He agreed to go to counseling with absolutely no hesitation.

We are fighting for each other.

Just wanted to say that I am happy for you and agree that you have two good men in your life, as many men respond in a much more negative way to suggestions for counselling. And many friends would have just pressured you into bed, he is a gentleman and that is rare these days. Keep in mind that your work might be much more productive with a counselor that you both like, it can be difficult to find a good one.

 

[unregistered]

 

[unregistered]

 

[unregistered]

 

[Shadowann2]

Well, it's getting rougher again. I am beginning to wonder if he's depressed (thank you to those who mentioned it as a possibility). He's under a great deal of pressure, mostly job related. And now he's constantly worried that I'm leaving. He's said it out loud twice in the past two weeks, once in tears. I'm finding myself constantly reassuring him...but I'm starting to wonder if we can really make it work.

Then, tonight, he did not come to dinner with us...on our daughter's 6th birthday. This is the second consecutive year for him to miss this dinner. And, just like last year, neither of our daughters even wondered why he wasn't there.

I feel so lost.

Every marriage has it's up and downs. He is obviously going through a hard time right now, and all you can do for him is be there. Talk to him about your concerns about depression. Depression can take a heavy toll on a marriage. Trust me, I know. Don't let the communication fall to the wayside. Tell him that you missed him at dinner. Tell him how that hurt you. Give him the chance to explain, and try to be understanding, but make sure he understands your point too. How is the therapy going? Are you both still going?

 

[SweetErika]

Well, it's getting rougher again. I am beginning to wonder if he's depressed (thank you to those who mentioned it as a possibility). He's under a great deal of pressure, mostly job related. And now he's constantly worried that I'm leaving. He's said it out loud twice in the past two weeks, once in tears. I'm finding myself constantly reassuring him...but I'm starting to wonder if we can really make it work.

Even if it's not depression, it could very well be (stress-induced or situational) anxiety. My husband has this, and it can certainly manifest itself in depression-like symptoms. I also know from my own experiences that anxiety and depression often go hand in hand, so it's not unusual for people to need to be treated for both.

For my guy, a simple anti-anxiety drug called Buspar (buspirone) and some lifestyle changes have helped. The medication isn't a panacea, but it's taken the edge off and helped him allow himself to slow down a little, not worry so much and sleep better. He's a Type A+ personality and can be a workaholic, so it just takes him down a couple of notches to the point where he can function better. It has some side effects for him, but the only impacts on our sex life and relationship have been positive, and the side effects seem insignificant in comparison to being totally stressed out and worrying 24/7.

Anyway, would your husband be willing to talk to a professional about his stress level, work and thoughts/feelings (read: symptoms)? You know, just to see if there's something out there that could help him be his best, healthiest self for work and your family?

I don't know if you've already asked or how he is, but I approached my husband with concern for his health and set everything up so he could easily talk to a pro about trying medication. I stressed the 'let's just try it for a few months, see how you feel, and if you don't like it, you don't have to take it again' angle (this is a guy who waits until his headache is killing him before he'll take an aspirin, and even then, I usually have to put the medication and a glass of water in his hand and say "take this!" ). Basically, I addressed all of his concerns and took away his excuses by creating a path to help so he could easily get what he needed.

Then, tonight, he did not come to dinner with us...on our daughter's 6th birthday. This is the second consecutive year for him to miss this dinner. And, just like last year, neither of our daughters even wondered why he wasn't there.

I feel so lost.

I feel for you. That kind of thing would hurt me dearly; even just reading it is painful.

Perhaps this is something you can address in your next counseling session? Do you already know what's at the heart of him missing the birthdays and working so much?

At any rate, I'm very sorry you're hurting and hope you get back to feeling more positive about the situation soon. From what you've said, it sounds like there *is* enough good to work through the bad, and it may very well feel worse before it feels better while you're untangling the knots that have accumulated over the years. Stay at it and as positive as possible, though - you're doing the right thing for yourself and your family (even if you get to a point where it just won't work, at least you'll know you did everything reasonable to try to work it out).

and a for your heart

 

[ZoeBird]

Actually, he sounds like a pretty typical guy in those particular respects. I'd be willing to bet that there are a great many areas -which she did not go into- where he is a very good husband; or else she would not be so torn with respect to fidelity.

Refusing to eat dinner with the family, constantly acting irritible and impatient with his wife and children is "typical" guy behavior? Well if that's true, I'm glad my husband isnt' a "typical guy" cuz I wouldn't put up with that bullshit!

It sounds like your husband is depressed, or dissatisfied with his life and/or marriage. It's especially disturbing that he is emotionally negligent of his children though. I think if he is depressed and not willing to get help then you are faced with the option of being stuck in a miserable marriage or else leaving. I'm sorry you are going through this, it sounds awful.

 

[Never2B]

Well, it's getting rougher again.

I feel so lost.

Just giving a hug...