Consent? Are people entitled to their partner’s body?

[LeSabreur]

Late to the party...the OP clearly describes acts of nonconsensual sexual assault.

I'll toss out another twist to the consent issue: our bodies betray us even when we do not consent to sexual activities. After my dear spouse went through the ravages of menopause her libido pretty much evaporated. We had previously been intensely sexually active and adventuresome...then, nothing, no interest. Frustrated, I would initiate sex by furtively moving my hand to her groin and would start rubbing her clit. She would soon start pumping her hips, getting wet, and moaning. Then I would proceed to start sucking on a nipple or would even go down on her. She would awaken and we would have sex, but this wasn't the same highly sexual woman that had previously enjoyed it tremendously...this was a woman putting no feeling into it, going through the moves simply because her body had become aroused. Her mind, however, had not.

I had been reading a couple of books by sex therapist Emily Nagoski and was ashamed to learn that I had been coercing my wonderful spouse into sex without her consent. This horrified me and I stopped immediately. Such physical responses even happen to men when they are victims of sexual assault; men can have erections and ejaculate...responses of the autonomic nervous system...even when they have explicitly withheld consent and do not wish the interaction to occur.

 

[UnexpectedLuggage]

No. What happened to you was rape, plain and simple.

A relationship is a partnership, with all parties having an equal say in things. If I'm all riled up and my wife says she isn't in the mood then I just go rub one out. I'm not entitled to her body, not now, not ever.

 

[lil_jenni]

Late to the party...the OP clearly describes acts of nonconsensual sexual assault.

I'll toss out another twist to the consent issue: our bodies betray us even when we do not consent to sexual activities. After my dear spouse went through the ravages of menopause her libido pretty much evaporated. We had previously been intensely sexually active and adventuresome...then, nothing, no interest. Frustrated, I would initiate sex by furtively moving my hand to her groin and would start rubbing her clit. She would soon start pumping her hips, getting wet, and moaning. Then I would proceed to start sucking on a nipple or would even go down on her. She would awaken and we would have sex, but this wasn't the same highly sexual woman that had previously enjoyed it tremendously...this was a woman putting no feeling into it, going through the moves simply because her body had become aroused. Her mind, however, had not.

I had been reading a couple of books by sex therapist Emily Nagoski and was ashamed to learn that I had been coercing my wonderful spouse into sex without her consent. This horrified me and I stopped immediately. Such physical responses even happen to men when they are victims of sexual assault; men can have erections and ejaculate...responses of the autonomic nervous system...even when they have explicitly withheld consent and do not wish the interaction to occur.

I have a curiosity. Did you ask your wife what she thought, or did you decide for her that she did not consent to the described situations?

 

[lil_jenni]

No. What happened to you was rape, plain and simple.

A relationship is a partnership, with all parties having an equal say in things. If I'm all riled up and my wife says she isn't in the mood then I just go rub one out. I'm not entitled to her body, not now, not ever.

It can be difficult for me if Hubby is not in the mood. I have a higher sex drive than him, plus my anxiety and self esteem issues kick in if he isn't in the mood, leaving me feeling rejected and even more anxiety ridden than normal. But I have learned to talk these moments out with him, and usually he can talk me down. Hell, sometimes I don't even feel rejected anymore because he is careful to explain why he's not in the mood at that moment. And sometimes, talking about it leads him to be in the mood.

I have also tried to let him be the primary initiator, but that is horribly anxiety inducing when he doesn't as frequently as normal, for whatever reason. Plus, he likes it more when I initiate, so that's usually what happens, and he makes sure I'm okay if he's not in the mood when I am. It's all about the communication and respecting each other's needs as well as agency.

 

[UnexpectedLuggage]

It can be difficult for me if Hubby is not in the mood. I have a higher sex drive than him, plus my anxiety and self esteem issues kick in if he isn't in the mood, leaving me feeling rejected and even more anxiety ridden than normal. But I have learned to talk these moments out with him, and usually he can talk me down. Hell, sometimes I don't even feel rejected anymore because he is careful to explain why he's not in the mood at that moment. And sometimes, talking about it leads him to be in the mood.

I have also tried to let him be the primary initiator, but that is horribly anxiety inducing when he doesn't as frequently as normal, for whatever reason. Plus, he likes it more when I initiate, so that's usually what happens, and he makes sure I'm okay if he's not in the mood when I am. It's all about the communication and respecting each other's needs as well as agency.

My wife and I have run into that as well. But like you guys we can usually talk it out if I'm not in the mood and assure her that it's not her fault in any way.

 

[LeSabreur]

I have a curiosity. Did you ask your wife what she thought, or did you decide for her that she did not consent to the described situations?

Oh, we have talked about it all quite a bit. She was just "going along for the ride" after her body responded, without having any real desire or heightened emotions about what was essentially a purely physical event. Although she wasn't angry about me stimulating her in this way, nor did she receive any real reward from it. Even having an orgasm, though it felt good to her in the moment, wasn't in alignment about how she felt about it, and she wouldn't have engaged in the activity had she been awake and aware of what was happening.

I know her well, and would never put pressure on her for my needs. The poor thing has even seen her gynecologist and used hormones in an effort to prop up her libido, but...well, the last thing I would want is to make her feel even worse about it than she already does.

 

[DustysSweety03]

No they aren’t entitled to their partners body.