Consent? Are people entitled to their partner’s body?

[Izanami9]

Do you think people are entitled to their partner’s body?

As in “You’re mine and I should be able to fuck you whenever I want whether you like it or not”? Or do you prefer explicit consent every time?





Years ago, there was a period of a few months where my partner was very sexually aggressive and would just do whatever he wanted to do to me even if I said No. I literally slapped, punched, kicked, etc. and he would just laugh and continue what he was doing. It seemed like he liked me hitting him. He’s never ever raised a hand to me, but instead would use his penis to cause me pain if he was mad at me.

We ended up separating for almost a year because of it.

I know some people think it’s sexy to have someone want you so bad they “can’t help themselves”, but it made me feel like crap. It was painful physically and emotionally. Sometimes I’d be sore for days



People knew we had broken up but they didn’t know the real reason why. It’s kinda embarrassing to talk about with people who actually know us, so I’ve never mentioned it. This is only the second time I’ve written anything about it- the first time was in my diary.



This is also kinda confusing because I do like that he’s kinda dominant, so why did it hurt my feelings?



Anyways, what’s your preference?

First and foremost, as everyone has said, you never owe anyone access to your body. Every healthy relationship is founded on trust; trust is many-layered, but an essential part of trust is that your boundaries will be respected by those you trust. That’s why consent is essential; if someone you trust breaks your boundaries, that trust has been violated and destroyed. That’s the devastation of betrayal.

If you enjoy being dominated, your trust is still based on consent as your boundaries define it, as clearly stated by an earlier commenter. You may like dominance in your partner, but *no one* enjoys a violation of their personal boundaries.

Don’t feel bad about your confusion on this issue; 1 in 4 women endures some form of SA at some point, including, I’m certain, many besides you and me. Our society is virulently patriarchal, and women often have a lot of trouble understanding ourselves as a result.

I won’t push therapy because I understand it’s just not always something you can bring yourself to do. What I WILL push is self-care; be sure to treat yourself as you would a loved one. Defining exactly where your personal boundaries lie is important both for future reference and for making sure you feel safe with yourself - which gives you the confidence to build healthy trust with others.

Be well, be safe, be happy.

 

[live4thebj]

It depends on the type of relationship you have and agreement. I dated a submissive I could fuck and get her to suck me whenever I wanted.

 

[Izanami9]

It depends on the type of relationship you have and agreement. I dated a submissive I could fuck and get her to suck me whenever I

No, you’re missing the crucial point. A healthy relationship is built on trust, which is based on respect for the boundaries set for the relationship - every time, always. Consent can be revoked at any point for any number of reasons, and that must be respected by all partners.

It is especially crucial for Dominant partners to understand that; without the sanctity of consent you’re not Dominant, you’re just an abuser, and abusers are inherently weak.

 

[Britva415]

giving them no sexual pleasure at all is not good either and can ruin the relationship

That doesn't mean it's obligatory.

Nobody owes anyone sex, and they aren't owed a relationship back. If "no sex" is a deal breaker, then break the deal, don't abuse them.

 

[SavannaT]

Unless thats the possessee’s kink, no and even then.. safe words exist for a reason

 

[Stopokochac]

That doesn't mean it's obligatory.

Nobody owes anyone sex, and they aren't owed a relationship back. If "no sex" is a deal breaker, then break the deal, don't abuse them.

That's how a traditional marriage works though. The man works and supports the family, the woman repays him by giving him sex.
This was a WOMAN who told me this.

 

[Britva415]

That's how a traditional marriage works though. The man works and supports the family, the woman repays him by giving him sex.
This was a WOMAN who told me this.

Doesn't mean she's right, and doesn't mean she can speak for anyone but herself.

She also probably doesn't feel like she's being coerced, so her perspective would not be relevant.

Everyone always has the right to say No. You are right to point out that that may come with the consequence of divorce, but, getting raped is not a legitimate consequence of saying No.

 

[Stopokochac]

Doesn't mean she's right, and doesn't mean she can speak for anyone but herself.

She also probably doesn't feel like she's being coerced, so her perspective would not be relevant.

Everyone always has the right to say No. You are right to point out that that may come with the consequence of divorce, but, getting raped is not a legitimate consequence of saying No.

Where did I say something about rape?

 

[SavannaT]

That's how a traditional marriage works though. The man works and supports the family, the woman repays him by giving him sex.
This was a WOMAN who told me this.

And part of his support is constant boners for her.. any ED and marriage is annulled, right?

 

[Britva415]

Where did I say something about rape?

You didn't have to. What you're doing is pretending we aren't talking about rape.

Rape is when the wife says No and the man ignores that and rapes her. It's what the entire thread is about.

Be clear. Say what it is you aren't saying. Because what you are saying is a defense of marital rape. You're saying she's obligated to provide sex, she owes it to him.

So if you have something else in mind which mitigates that, go ahead and say it so that it's clear you don't believe the wife can't say no.

 

[Stopokochac]

Rape is when the wife says No and the man ignores that and rapes her. It's what the entire thread is about.

Be clear. Say what it is you aren't saying. Because what you are saying is a defense of marital rape. You're saying she's obligated to provide sex, she owes it to him.

So if you have something else in mind which mitigates that, go ahead and say it so that it's clear you don't believe the wife can't say no.

I already explained it a few posts back

 

[Britva415]

I already explained it a few posts back

Well, I'm just informing you about how your explanation comes off.

I didn't miss what you wrote, I'm reacting to it.

But if it makes you feel better to pretend or imagine that what you wrote doesn't sound like a defense of marital rape, then I guess enjoy that and have a good day.

 

[Stopokochac]

And part of his support is constant boners for her.. any ED and marriage is annulled, right?

If she's THAT horny, sure
Would you like that?

 

[SavannaT]

If she's THAT horny, sure
Would you like that?

…you know what id like

 

[Stopokochac]

Well, I'm just informing you about how your explanation comes off.

I didn't miss what you wrote, I'm reacting to it.

But if it makes you feel better to pretend or imagine that what you wrote doesn't sound like a defense of marital rape, then I guess enjoy that and have a good day.

She would do it willingly because she loves the man and believes in traditional marriage. She would get on top and give BJs/HJs

 

[lily_wall_]

Do you think people are entitled to their partner’s body?

As in “You’re mine and I should be able to fuck you whenever I want whether you like it or not”? Or do you prefer explicit consent every time?

Its impossible to have a generalized answer. If someone attempts to give a general answer then they'd be wrong

That said... For me specifically, a man gets to fuck me whenever he wants. I'm def in the minority and my views and likings sound extreme, but being the reason for a man's pleasure gives me a sense of fulfilling purpose. So doesn't matter if I'm not in the mood (actually, impossible lol) or I'm running late or whatever, if he wants me then he gets me. He doesn't even have to ask me

 

[calmlikeabomb]

Do you think people are entitled to their partner’s body?

As in “You’re mine and I should be able to fuck you whenever I want whether you like it or not”? Or do you prefer explicit consent every time?





Years ago, there was a period of a few months where my partner was very sexually aggressive and would just do whatever he wanted to do to me even if I said No. I literally slapped, punched, kicked, etc. and he would just laugh and continue what he was doing. It seemed like he liked me hitting him. He’s never ever raised a hand to me, but instead would use his penis to cause me pain if he was mad at me.

We ended up separating for almost a year because of it.

I know some people think it’s sexy to have someone want you so bad they “can’t help themselves”, but it made me feel like crap. It was painful physically and emotionally. Sometimes I’d be sore for days



People knew we had broken up but they didn’t know the real reason why. It’s kinda embarrassing to talk about with people who actually know us, so I’ve never mentioned it. This is only the second time I’ve written anything about it- the first time was in my diary.



This is also kinda confusing because I do like that he’s kinda dominant, so why did it hurt my feelings?



Anyways, what’s your preference?

Short answer: No.

Long answer: Fuck No.

Consensual fantasies and pre defined arrangements are one thing, but acts without consent are just plain evil, because then you are treating someone like an object, not a living, breathing human being, and that is morally reprehensible and indefensible.

 

[calmlikeabomb]

Its impossible to have a generalized answer. If someone attempts to give a general answer then they'd be wrong

That said... For me specifically, a man gets to fuck me whenever he wants. I'm def in the minority and my views and likings sound extreme, but being the reason for a man's pleasure gives me a sense of fulfilling purpose. So doesn't matter if I'm not in the mood (actually, impossible lol) or I'm running late or whatever, if he wants me then he gets me. He doesn't even have to ask me

You do you and more power to you, but in your case, you have then given the consent in your mind already, even though you didn't verbalize it.

But for many women, what you describe sounds like a living, breathing nightmare.

And that's the thing about human experience, what we are into is not necessarily universal. Someone might like being called names and slapped around in private, or even accept it as an obligation, but might be heartbroken if this was done in public. it's impossible to have a generalized answer to many things, but consent is not one of them. This is why the first thing that should be drilled into anyone trying to get into the BDSM life style is the idea of SSC (safe, sane, consensual).

 

[Izanami9]

That's how a traditional marriage works though. The man works and supports the family, the woman repays him by giving him sex.
This was a WOMAN who told me this.

So the way a traditional airplane works is that you don't actually need a pilot with a real license to fly it, anyone who likes buttons can go ahead and give it a shot.
This was a PILOT who told me this.

Do you see how ludicrous this is on its face? The fact that one representative from a group told you something does not make it true. This is especially true in a society like ours where rampant mental illness and emotional trauma exist universally. For instance, people suffering from Stockholm Syndrome will defend their abuser every. Single. Time. That's a SYMPTOM of their trauma, not an indication of normalcy.

Every person has different needs and different boundaries; some people enjoy what would be torture for others. The standard to go by is HEALTH. No relationship can be healthy where established boundaries are violated. If a woman has agreed to a relationship wherein her partner can take sex from her anytime without asking, she still and always has the right to revoke that consent at any point for any reason, because it is her body and ultimately she is the sole owner. The same applies to a male sub, of course. As someone else said, safe words exist for a reason.

It's a real indictment of society that this basic concept of mutual care in a relationship is somehow so difficult for people to grasp. SMH

 

[spawnofdavey]

There IS a general answer to the OPs question, and it is that without explicit consent, either by discussion before, and/or during sex, simply assuming you have the 'right' to have sex with someone is just wrong. If you have sex or make sexual moves towards someone it's sexual harassment or rape. End of story.

Anyone who thinks Andrew Tate is a model alpha male or any of that bullshit is just a closet mysoginist and not a nice human.

 

[Typo Fu Master]

Nothing really to add to this except my own two cents.

No decent person would force themselves on another after receiving explicit rejection.

 

[lil_jenni]

The first guy I ever had sex with had this attitude, that he was entitled to whatever he wanted whenever and however he wanted it, and that women were made for men's pleasure and that whatever pleasure a woman got from sex with a man was a byproduct of the man's pleasure. It fucked me up for years. Hell, I I'm still fucked up decades later. It's taken years of hard work on my part, therapy, and love and support from my husband for me to accept that I have a right to be happy and loved without thinking I don't deserve it, that I'm not worth it.

And yet, I still crave it sometimes -- that feeling of having no choice, of being possessed and used. I'm lucky that I have man I trust and love who can play the part when I am craving it. But it is a part he is playing (and not one he always likes). And most importantly, I know he would stop in an instant if I need him to. That he has never pushed me to the point I need him to stop says volumes about him, and makes me love and trust him all the more. And that has allowed me to let myself feel more and more safe letting him be loving and romantic, things that used to fill me with anxiety because it contradicted my self image of being worthless except as a fuck toy. Like I said, that first experience fucked me up.

 

[old_hippy_46]

First and foremost, as everyone has said, you never owe anyone access to your body. Every healthy relationship is founded on trust; trust is many-layered, but an essential part of trust is that your boundaries will be respected by those you trust. That’s why consent is essential; if someone you trust breaks your boundaries, that trust has been violated and destroyed. That’s the devastation of betrayal.

If you enjoy being dominated, your trust is still based on consent as your boundaries define it, as clearly stated by an earlier commenter. You may like dominance in your partner, but *no one* enjoys a violation of their personal boundaries.

Don’t feel bad about your confusion on this issue; 1 in 4 women endures some form of SA at some point, including, I’m certain, many besides you and me. Our society is virulently patriarchal, and women often have a lot of trouble understanding ourselves as a result.

I won’t push therapy because I understand it’s just not always something you can bring yourself to do. What I WILL push is self-care; be sure to treat yourself as you would a loved one. Defining exactly where your personal boundaries lie is important both for future reference and for making sure you feel safe with yourself - which gives you the confidence to build healthy trust with others.

Be well, be safe, be happy.

There is no entitlement. Your partner is entitled to share their body for sex with anyone they want. So boyfriend/girlfriend or married partner has no obligation to provide sez, if they do apricate it in a respectful way

 

[magic_rat]

We ended up separating for almost a year because of it.

I'm amazed you went back.

Consent is everything. We swing, and we're involved in the kink scene and would never envisage ANYTHING happening without full consent.

 

[Anita669]

Everyone should be honest and open with their partner. And KNOW what the other one wants and alows. My hubby knows I'm free use and he exploits that, but if someone has to do stuff they're not into, that's just bad.