Consensual non-consent (CNC)

[eroticspank]

I know this is a zombie thread, but I still didn’t want to scroll past without any reaction.



I don’t think it is different really, but there are absolutely a lot of people who have double standards about this and other things.

I have been in similar situations, being in bed with someone, in what was supposed to be no-sexual, but where he took initiative to make it sexual.
In one case I stopped it and said I did not want to go down that road and it was accepted.
In another case, we did go down that road, hrmm, twice actually.
I consider it consesual, without a word having been spoken about it, because there was plenty of space and opportunity to tell him no.
To me his initiative was a question and my leaning into it was the answer. There is a lot of room for misunderstandings though, so risky behaviour with a relative stranger.



Agreed.
An involountary, physical response is not consent.



I think the biggest risk with this kind of unclear communication about consent is in cases like this, when someone feels unable to say no and the other is unaware about it.
Because she might well have thought that you would say no if you wanted to stop it.

I think this is one case where there might be a double standard for many. It is often talked about women feeling unable to say no out of fear, but lots of people seem unaware that men can feel the same way, because they are afraid of being accused of something, or because there are some scary women out there too.

In any case (and I know that this is very controversial for many), I think there is room for misunderstandings and plain old human incompetence between consent and non-consent.
Aiming for more clear communication and getting rid of some of those double standards, especially around people you don’t know very well, is probably the best way to avoid those fuck ups.

Well said!
ES

 

[Primalex]

CNC is "let's play rape", but we don't call it "let's play rape", because we are worried rape victims feel offended that we make a fun activity out of it.

 

[IrisAlthea]

CNC is "let's play rape", but we don't call it "let's play rape", because we are worried rape victims feel offended that we make a fun activity out of it.

Yup, or tired of having to deal with those offended on behalf of rape victims based on how they think the rape victims should feel about these things.

 

[eroticspank]

Well said!
ES

Another thought along the CNC communication lines is just people and their personalities. We all have met the "Pushy type" person both male and female. They usually work as salesmen like at a Car dealership and are trained in the "hard sell". You drive off the lot with a car that you are not sure that you wanted. I can clearly see this same behavior in the bedroom. Some guys--gals too--push and push until eventually, you are in bed fucking. You were not forced into it, but it can be similar to nonconsent and a turn-on for some people.
ES

 

[CurtGiles46]

To me it sounds like CNC is essentially just role playing.

Yes. It’s a stupid term “consensual non-consensual” that suggests something more taboo or dangerous is occurring when it’s nothing but roleplay.

 

[Goldenfinger]

I have always thought that CNC was like pushing boundaries type of thing.

 

[lilmissdarling]

*bumping for any new insights

 

[ConfusinglyDelerious]

To me, CNC is a very physical kind of roleplay, where my partner will fight against me and express how she does not want things to happen, while I physically force things to happen regardless of her wishes.

The understanding is that "No!" and "Stop!" and "I don't want to!" and crying and sobbing is meaningless, and the only thing that will make it stop is a safe word if it becomes too much.
It's simply per-determined roles, and an understanding that it is non-consensual within limits.

Is it the darkest spookiest most perverse shit there is? Maybe, maybe not. It all depends on where you're coming from.

For some people, it is getting to replay some very negative experiences, in a setting where they have agency to stop it if need be.
That involves being in a situation where I might even accidentally push buttons that lead to a full-blown panic attack, and her being unable to even use a safe word even if it was needed.

It also involves a lot of fun stuff, like the mix of adrenaline and horniness. And neighbours giving you stink-eye when they see you, and people being discretely handed pamphlets for abused women's shelters and being told to "Get away from that disgusting monster of a man" by cute elderly neighbours who do not quite understand what is going on, but decides to care a little.

 

[Brianna_Hope]

I've been doing this BDSM thing for sometime, but I've still never quite managed to put my finger on what CNC is actually is.

The part I don't really understand is how it is different from anything else that you do with your partner(s). I talked about this with someone and was told that in essence it boils down to the pyl being able to fight back, scream and say no to things that happen and the PYL not taking it into account. The only way to stop is by safewording and up until then everything is a fair game within preset rules. That seems like an easy enough explanation, but I'm sure there's more to the topic than just that. Because to me that doesn't seem like it's all that different from BDSM in general. A lot of people use safewords, like to fight back and like to have their (soft) limits pushed or crossed. Maybe they're all doing CNC?

I think at least in part the reason I struggle understanding CNC is that with a person I get along with well enough to consider doing a CNC scene (at least based on my understanding of what it is) my go-to mode is a doormat people pleaser. In doormat mode I just say yes to everything and if I happen to say no, I don't really expect it to be taken into account anyways. There's no roleplay aspect to it ever, though. It isn't specifically negotiated either. It just...is. Although I do inform my partners about my doormat tendencies when I notice that happening so that we can talk about it and decide how to go forward - not everybody is a fan of the doormat thing.

So, what is CNC to you? How does a CNC scene differ from a "regular" scene? How do you negotiate limits for a CNC scene, or do you? Is it more of a roleplay scene than your "regular" scene? Is a scene that pushes or even crosses soft limits automatically CNC?

CNC is opening the door to the devil and letting him in...and if he is a experienced, skilled domme, The NC part fades away, but you don't realize it. you've been cleverly and unwittingly reprogrammed with no real free will.

 

[eroticspank]

This reminds me of a creampie eating fantasy of mine. Many guys mention they can't go through with eating their own creampie after cumming because the desire is gone. They want to do it before hand and it is a big fantasy, but after they cum it goes away. So in a CNC scenario, the wife ties her husband naked face-up on the bed. She fucks him until he gives her a creampie and then moves up to his face and feeds it to him...even if he says no. After, he finds out it was very enjoyable, but the CNC scene was the only way for him to experience it.
ES

 

[liqqt]

I know it has other names. I think of this as consent to risk and a willingness to release your trust to be taken further than you may be willing to go at the beginning, before play has begun.