Confusion about Asexual label.

[OddLove]

The more I understand my own sexuality, the more I've started to think I'm asexual. But I'm still WAY into BDSM/Kink and stuff like D/s dynamics, punishment, bondage, etc, even if it doesn't involve actual sex and it's only used as a fun way to be intimate and stuff. I used to think I was just bisexual and into kink, but it's obviously not sex I'm interested in unless it's just part of the BDSM/Kink.

Cause I have no interest in sex, and I couldn't even fake it when I was dating a woman. We would have fun being romantic and making out and I loved flirting with her, but as soon as we got the sex part I was in autopilot mode going through the motions with the same level of interest that I'd have flipping burgers at McDonalds. And she was turned off by anything BDSM/Kink related so after a few more tries with sex the relationship completely died.

It's been almost ten years, and I'd like to get back into dating and try again. But I don't know the correct terms to put in a bio or how to to describe my sexuality before I waste any of their time. I don't want to put "Only interested in BDSM related sex" in my bio or randomly drop that information in the first conversation either cause it would probably just come off as psychotic to people.

I'm not even sure if I'm even asexual or if there's a more accurate term I should be using to describe my sexuality. It's confusing.

So if anyone knows the correct terms I could use to help me communicate that to people, I'd greatly appreciate it. Also if anyone else was in a similar situation and has any dating advice, I welcome that too.

 

[AG31]

When you say you have no interest in sex, does it mean...
You have no interest in intercourse with someone?
You don't feel attracted to anyone?

Do you experience erotic arousal when you have BDSM fantasies?

I've also wondered what people mean by BDSM without sex. Is it without any eroticism at all?

 

[OddLove]

When you say you have no interest in sex, does it mean...
You have no interest in intercourse with someone?
You don't feel attracted to anyone?

Do you experience erotic arousal when you have BDSM fantasies?

I've also wondered what people mean by BDSM without sex. Is it without any eroticism at all?

I can have interest in something intercourse and find it very arousing if it's within the BDSM/Kink realm, for example using things handcuffs or someone's wearing a collar and being submissive. But I still like BDSM/Kink even if it doesn't involve sex, like spanking someone, or if they're dominant maybe I do all the chores, cook for them, give them massages, etc.

And I'm still find people attractive sometimes, especially if I like them, but when I fantasize about them it always involves some kind of BDSM/Kink and it only involves sex if I'm a submissive and I'm servicing them orally or I'm a dominant and maybe I'm just having fun using toys on them. So it's hard to say Yes or No to those answers cause it's all circumstantial, which is why I'm not exactly sure if asexual is the correct term to describe my sexuality.

 

[AG31]

So when you are doing all the chores or cooking there's no erotic arousal, just pleasure. Correct?

I have seen at least two definitions of asexual. The one is that a person has no desire for another. Hetero sexual = desire for the other sex. Homosexual = desire for one's own sex. Asexual = no desire for another.

But no "desire" does not automatically mean "no ability to experience erotic arousal." But another definition of "asexual" that I've seen is that the person does not experience erotic arousal.

I'm interested in this because my stories (based on my fantasies) involve a lot of erotic arousal, triggered by the MC being done-to (BDSM without the relationship). But the MC does not, in the main, experience desire for another. Are my MCs "asexual?"

I see that this thread isn't getting a lot of traction. I'm going to invite AH members to join in.

 

[Yarglenurp]

The more I understand my own sexuality, the more I've started to think I'm asexual. But I'm still WAY into BDSM/Kink and stuff like D/s dynamics, punishment, bondage, etc, even if it doesn't involve actual sex and it's only used as a fun way to be intimate and stuff. I used to think I was just bisexual and into kink, but it's obviously not sex I'm interested in unless it's just part of the BDSM/Kink.

Cause I have no interest in sex, and I couldn't even fake it when I was dating a woman. We would have fun being romantic and making out and I loved flirting with her, but as soon as we got the sex part I was in autopilot mode going through the motions with the same level of interest that I'd have flipping burgers at McDonalds. And she was turned off by anything BDSM/Kink related so after a few more tries with sex the relationship completely died.

It's been almost ten years, and I'd like to get back into dating and try again. But I don't know the correct terms to put in a bio or how to to describe my sexuality before I waste any of their time. I don't want to put "Only interested in BDSM related sex" in my bio or randomly drop that information in the first conversation either cause it would probably just come off as psychotic to people.

I'm not even sure if I'm even asexual or if there's a more accurate term I should be using to describe my sexuality. It's confusing.

So if anyone knows the correct terms I could use to help me communicate that to people, I'd greatly appreciate it. Also if anyone else was in a similar situation and has any dating advice, I welcome that too.

I think you should actually put that in your dating bio, and choose the right kind of sites for it. Maybe phrase it in more subtle ways, but not revealing this upfront is just going to waste everyone’s time. You’ll obviously lose a lot of interest, but it will help filter down your pool to only the kind of women that you could actually be happy with. Otherwise, you’re going to be getting into date 4 or date 5, develop an emotional bond, only to have it all fall apart because you two are fundamentally incompatible.

I don’t think you’re asexual, since you enjoy BDSM sex. It’s just that it’s the only type you enjoy. When I picture asexuals, I picture a person who just doesn’t want to have sexual interactions at all.

 

[AlinaX]

So if anyone knows the correct terms I could use to help me communicate that to people, I'd greatly appreciate it. Also if anyone else was in a similar situation and has any dating advice, I welcome that too.

You could be asexual. If you're curious enough to ask, it's likely. Why not check out The Asexual Agenda...

 

[Britva415]

Or the Frequently Asked Questions at the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network.

As a bonus, that site has forum topics by asexual kinksters, validating the idea that there can be kink without "having sex," and that there can be BDSM without "having sex" too.

"Not experiencing arousal" can't be a definition of asexuality. If it were, impotent people would be asexual, and they generally aren't. That's the entire reason why there's a whole medical specialization around curing or treating impotence - if all the patients were asexual, they wouldn't be bothered or concerned about the lack of arousal.

That's the proof that asexuality is about the way one experiences (or doesn't experience) sexual desire for other people, rather than about whether they can "perform" or not.

Viagra exists because there are people who can't perform but want to. They're obviously not asexual.

 

[Britva415]

I'm still WAY into BDSM/Kink and stuff like D/s dynamics, punishment, bondage, etc, even if it doesn't involve actual sex and it's only used as a fun way to be intimate and stuff.

Let me ask you this:

If you could have it any way you wanted, would you prefer to do the kink stuff without the sex at all? When you get to do kink stuff with a person who's into kink stuff, and the two of you do have sex, are you really fired up for the sex and thrilled that you finally are getting your sex buttons pushed and getting the sexual experience you wanted all along with a partner, or, are you instead simply resigning yourself to performing sexually because your kink partner wants or expects it?

You sound pretty asexual to me, and, the fact that you like kink play doesn't contradict that.

 

[Britva415]

As far as what terms to put into a bio goes:

There are subcategories of "asexual."

Some asexuals are "sex negative" in the sense of disapproving of being exposed to other people's sexuality or disapproving of society's permissive sexual mores and media representations, and some asexual people are "sex averse" in that they don't personally want anything to do with sex or co-nudity or any kind of sexually-charged physical intimacy with another person.

While, other asexual people are "sex positive" in the sense that they don't object to being exposed to other people's sexuality in general (this is an attitude about values) and some asexual people are "sex favorable" in the sense that even though they're neutral about partnered sex as far as their own needs are concerned, they're willing to participate in sex with a partner if it's important to the relationship or the interaction for the partner's sake.

Being able to talk about your own sex aversion or favorability, as an asexual, and/or your own attitude of sex positivity or negativity as a member of our sexual society, could be helpful when communicating with a potential partner. I don't know about going so far as to put these right into an app profile. It's likely that most people wouldn't know how to interpret those phrases in a brief bio and it might be better to talk about them in a conversation tailored to their ignorance/familiarity level vis-a-vis asexuality.

Your bio/profile could say you're interested in "non sexual" kink/BDSM play rather than identifying yourself as an "asexual" person. It's probably better to say what you want instead of what you are - especially if you aren't sure.

 

[Five_Inch_Heels]

There are those who simply don't enjoy being around other people and who feel the deed is mechanical and just another task.

But they enjoy the idea of it and visualize fantasy people and relationships that could not possibly exist and live it all out in their head.

 

[OddLove]

So when you are doing all the chores or cooking there's no erotic arousal, just pleasure. Correct?

I have seen at least two definitions of asexual. The one is that a person has no desire for another. Hetero sexual = desire for the other sex. Homosexual = desire for one's own sex. Asexual = no desire for another.

But no "desire" does not automatically mean "no ability to experience erotic arousal." But another definition of "asexual" that I've seen is that the person does not experience erotic arousal.

I'm interested in this because my stories (based on my fantasies) involve a lot of erotic arousal, triggered by the MC being done-to (BDSM without the relationship). But the MC does not, in the main, experience desire for another. Are my MCs "asexual?"

I see that this thread isn't getting a lot of traction. I'm going to invite AH members to join in.

That sounds like your stories might be asexual, at least a little bit. Cause I would experience erotic arousal while doing chores or cooking for a partner, but it doesn't mean I want, expect, or hope to get anything more out of it. It's just about pleasing them and making sure I fulfill my responsibilities to keep them happy. It doesn't have to have a sexual payoff. So if she rather use a vibrator and neglect the guys erection, than that's just part of the deal of being part of her life. If your main character is more interested in being in her presence, and doesn't want or care about getting off themselves, I'd say that sounds pretty asexual to me. Even if it involved him getting off, like for example, maybe she let's him jerk off once in awhile so she can restrain him and torment his overstimulated penis with a painful and handjob, but it would be for her amusement, and he's he only got to cum so she could have fun tormenting him after.

I'll have to check out some of your stories, cause I'm curious now lol.

Let me ask you this:

If you could have it any way you wanted, would you prefer to do the kink stuff without the sex at all? When you get to do kink stuff with a person who's into kink stuff, and the two of you do have sex, are you really fired up for the sex and thrilled that you finally are getting your sex buttons pushed and getting the sexual experience you wanted all along with a partner, or, are you instead simply resigning yourself to performing sexually because your kink partner wants or expects it?

You sound pretty asexual to me, and, the fact that you like kink play doesn't contradict that.

Well... long answer, but

I can definitely be aroused by sexual things, I'm just still uninterested in using my penis in sex or engaging in it with the absence of BDSM/Kink. The woman I've had a crush on over the last few years is very sex positive and was always open about having dildos and vibrators. So I worked that into my fantasy, and I was very aroused by the idea of pleasuring her. Although the fantasy would be like 90% nonsexual. For example if I'm fantasizing about being her dominant, it will look something like this.

Putting a collar on her, dressing her up in cute and sexy outfits, giving her random tasks like cleaning, sorting my magic cards, or mining up diamonds for me on minecraft, than incorporating some puppy play stuff like playing fetch, giving her head pats, letting her cuddle on my lap, etc. Paying attention and finding reasons to spank her like if I find a dirty plate, or if I catch her masturbating without my permission, or she doesn't mine enough diamonds. Then then sweet aftercare stuff, like giving her a warm bath, making her something to eat, complimenting her, kissing and cuddling with her, etc. And the only time it would be sexual is when I'm doing something like using sex toys and oral sex to reward her for being good or maybe I'm restraining her and teasing and edging her. I still find the sex part arousing.

And if she desired full intercourse I just imagine I'd help her find a guy friend who could fill that need a few times a week. But romantically speaking I'd still be her main partner who get's to take her out on dates and live with her. At least that's how it'd work in my fantasy world.

 

[AG31]

One bit of advice I'm sure of. Don't use "asexual" in your description of yourself on a dating site. It's clear there's no clarity about it. You can't count on the readers understanding what you mean.

 

[Five_Inch_Heels]

Those who truly fit the term do not seek the company of others in social settings of that type.

 

[Britva415]

Those who truly fit the term do not seek the company of others in social settings of that type.

I mean, maybe you'd think so, but it's not right. The term excludes less than you think it does.

One thing is that, if by "social settings" you mean dating apps, asexual people still are free to, and often motivated to, seek romance, and if by "social settings" you mean BDSM/kink scenes, nothing about OP's post makes me think they're looking for a scene with anyone but one person in the privacy of a home, which I wouldn't call a social setting.

Another thing is, there really are asexual people who really are into kink. Likely a small minority, but it doesn't make them "not asexual." Some of them are into kink nonsexually: You can have the bondage or the spanking without the intercourse. Some of them are into kink and have a willingness to do the sexual part, if it pleases their partner. You can see how "willingness" is different from "desire," right?

I can anticipate an argument along the lines of "well then they're no true asexual" but that would be an argument from ignorance, as well as a logical fallacy.

If nothing else is clear from this whole discussion and its corresponding one at the AH, it's that asexuals aren't just one thing and aren't all alike and don't all behave the same way. That doesn't make some of them "not asexual" if they do have sex for reasons other than desiring it the way other people do. Or if they do sex-adjacent things but without the sex. Or if they choose to be with a non-asexual person for any reason up to and including kink.

Like I said to someone else, does this pass the "would you say that to their face" test, if someone who identified this way was standing right in front of you? Would you tell someone who tells you they're asexual they don't truly fit the term? Is that up to you? Do you think that's anything like telling a gay man he doesn't truly fit the term "gay" if he doesn't do anal sex? Or that he doesn't truly fit the term "man" if he does? Or like telling a trans woman she doesn't truly fit the term "woman?" I'm not trying to compare you to bigots or call you one, just providing some perspective which might help re-orient your perception of asexual people, what it means, and how they can be.

 

[AG31]

it would probably just come off as psychotic to people.

It wouldn't come out as psychotic to the people you're looking for. It would come out as a prompt to "Oh, hey! I gotta check out this guy!"
It doesn't even come out psychotic to people who don't share your tastes. Did any of the replies here suggest that people thought you were psychotic?

 

[AG31]

"Not experiencing arousal" can't be a definition of asexuality. If it were, impotent people would be asexual, and they generally aren't.

I don't think impotent people don't experience arousal. They just can't bring it to completion. If they didn't experience arousal, they probably wouldn't even notice that they were impotent.

 

[AG31]

That's the proof that asexuality is about the way one experiences (or doesn't experience) sexual desire for other people, rather than about whether they can "perform" or not.

I don't think sexuality necessarily involves a desire for other people. It can involve being aroused, aroused to orgasm, by the actions of other people (binding, whipping), without desiring those people.

 

[AG31]

If your main character is more interested in being in her presence, and doesn't want or care about getting off themselves, I'd say that sounds pretty asexual to me. Even if it involved him getting off, like for example, maybe she let's him jerk off once in awhile so she can restrain him and torment his overstimulated penis with a painful and handjob, but it would be for her amusement, and he's he only got to cum so she could have fun tormenting him after.

I'll have to check out some of your stories, cause I'm curious now lol.

Of course I'd love to have you read my stories, but be forwarned that they are characterized by a lack of personal relationships. My MC is not at all interested in the feelings of the do-er. I stay away from "dominant/submissive" because they connote relationships.

 

[Britva415]

I don't think impotent people don't experience arousal. They just can't bring it to completion. If they didn't experience arousal, they probably wouldn't even notice that they were impotent.

Nobody thinks impotent people don't experience sexual arousal, as a feeling and as a desire. Of course they do.

I was talking about the physical state of arousal and the physical ability to "complete."

Maybe I should have said "erectile dysfunctional" people instead, the point would be the same.

 

[Britva415]

I don't think sexuality necessarily involves a desire for other people. It can involve being aroused, aroused to orgasm, by the actions of other people (binding, whipping), without desiring those people.

And that's exactly what a sexually-behaving, asexually-oriented kinkster is like.

 

[AG31]

There are those who simply don't enjoy being around other people and who feel the deed is mechanical and just another task.

But they enjoy the idea of it and visualize fantasy people and relationships that could not possibly exist and live it all out in their head.

If they're a girl, I get it. But if they're a boy? "another task?" Don't they have to get it up????

 

[AG31]

This thread has prompted me to post another question:

https://forum.literotica.com/threads/a-question-about-surrender.1618588/

 

[Portly_Penguin]

Hi, asexual human being here.

A lot of other users have summed it up quiet well, but asexuality, like most things, is a spectrum with a lot of different umbrellas.

For me, I don't have the desire to have sex with anyone. The idea just doesn't appeal to me, as it does to other people.

My advice would be to research it more before committing to applying the label. Asexual might not be the right term, and there are plenty of others that might fit you more than another. It took me a little while to understand my own sexuality, but only you really know yourself. People can give advice, but at the end of the day you need to trust your gut and your own instincts.

 

[Not Normal]

There's a decent documentary that I think is simply called Asexual that is pretty interesting, and hopefully would be helpful to the OP.