Confused

[meohmyo]

Hello everybody, I have been reading this site for several years and really enjoy it. But now I have a problem that I would like some advice on if someone out there is willing to help.
I am a female who is happily married to her husband but he has cheated several times in the past. Everytime I forgive him, yes I know I may be stupid but love is blind. Anyway we have a old friend from high school come into town and it just so happens that my husband tryed to date her back in high school and that he has always had feelings for her but does not want to leave me just wanted me to know how he felt, and how the feelings came rushing back when he seen her. Again anyway...we all went out this past weekend to a dance club and me and her got really drunk and started kissing. Of course my husband was jealous. Later on when we got back to our place things got a little heated up. I have never had a threesome nor ever been with a women but I went down on her. And I let him kiss her and suck on her chest. Well when I opened my eyes to see if she was having fun I got upset. I know that I am at fault here but I did not enjoy myself nor did I enjoy watching my hubby kissing all over her, so I stopped and told him to finish her off down there because I didn't think it was fair to get things started and then just up and leave.
Now the problem is I did not have fun, did not like watching my husband do that but again my fault. We are all suppose to go back out this friday and my husband asked me if we got drunk again and I passed out would I be mad if they did it again themselves, and I said yes because at that point they don't have my permission like they did the first time.
Right now I am so confused with emotions and regret and stuff and I don't know how to express myself and am looking for help. I know that you people are so nice and helpfull and that is why I am turning to you all.
Thank you all so very much.
Me

 

[Jayzzzy]

If you are uncomfortable with what happened you need to talk about it with your SO in a non-sexual setting...tell him honestly how you feel. My SO and I have been invovolev in an MMF for about 7 mos now. There were some awkward situations at first and even some hurt feelings. We have been working thru them and now we are all on the same page. MY SO had some jealousy issues the first time he actually sat and watched my fuck our friend. I assured him that we are having fun...sex...no attachments....he feels better about it now. The old standby advise of COMMUNICATION rears it's head....talk to him

 

[meohmyo]

We have been talking alot since it happened. Just me and him not the other girl. And he says that it isn't fair for him to get into trouble now if I pass out since I am the one that started it all. I told him I gave him permission that night, not whenever the hell he felt like it. I hope that it never happens again like I said I didn't enjoy it but if it does he will get my permission then. I just don't understand why he is upset I told him no he couldn't do it again on his own if I was passed out. Now I am so jealous because I know that he had a thing for her in the past, and I wasn't getting anything that night when it was the three of us. I was eating, he was working on her top half and she was just there getting it all. I got nothing. Me and my husband just started marriage counceling to begin with and I feel that I have just messed up anything that we might have been able to work out for one stupid night of couriousty. I have tried to explain to him that I don't want it to happen again and that if it does with out my permission or knowledge it is cheating which he is known to do. He doesn't understand that and asked me if i was drunk passed out and it happend what would I do, I told him to forget about the marriage counceling. Is this fair? Do you think he has a point? How do I explain my feelings? Like I said I am having a hard time explaining how I feel and what all is going thru my head.

 

[Eilan]

Unfortunately, I don't think that a swinging/threesomes lifestyle is for you. This is generally something that secure, committed couples can do, and with all due respect, it doesn't sound like your husband's that committed. DO NOT do this in hopes of saving your relationship; that's a recipe for failure.

It sounds like you're really uncomfortable with the prospect of this happening again; if you are, DON'T do it. If alcohol lowers your inhibitions and makes you likely to do it, anyway, then don't drink. If your husband refuses to respect your wishes, then you need to rethink the relationship, particularly given his history.

Good luck to you.

 

[meohmyo]

why is it showing my post has moved, I need help I didn't move this. Please help me before it's to late and I lose my husband for good. You all are so good at this stuff and I am not.

 

[meohmyo]

I know Eilan, I thought I could do it because me and him have been trying so many new things lately and I have been wanting to kiss a girl but in the middle of the act I couldn't stand it anymore. I didn't like eating her out and I couldn't stand to watch him kiss and lick on her. I have tried to explain this to my husband now that it is done and now to lately, and I told him I know that it is my fault because I dragged him into it, but how do I explain to him that I don't want it to happen again and that if he does it behind my back when I am not home or passed out that it is cheating all over again. He says that it is not because he did it the other night. GGRRRRR

 

[LadyG]

why is it showing my post has moved, I need help I didn't move this. Please help me before it's to late and I lose my husband for good. You all are so good at this stuff and I am not.

Relax. You'll get more help in this forum than the How To. It's still about getting help and discussing things.

 

[LadyJeanne]

If your husband won't accept that having sex with another woman without your permission is cheating, then he has no respect for you or your marriage.

By all means, don't give up on the marriage counseling. That's your only hope for saving this marriage, as I see it.

Edited to add: Have you asked him how he'd feel if the shoe were on the other foot and you wanted to continue having sex, without his permission, after an MMF that he instigated but then felt awful about? Would he think that you're cheating if he told you he didn't want you to have sex with the other guy again and you went ahead and did it anyway?

I'm sorry, sweets, but he sounds like an ass.

 

[Eilan]

I'm gonna address these issues separately:

I know Eilan, I thought I could do it because me and him have been trying so many new things lately and I have been wanting to kiss a girl but in the middle of the act I couldn't stand it anymore.

Sometimes a fantasy is best left as a fantasy; you often don't know that until you act on it. You made it a reality, and it's causing you grief. You shouldn't feel obligated to do something that makes you feel uncomfortable. You thought you could do it, but you can't. Live and learn. If your husband respects you, he'll respect your decision.

I told him I know that it is my fault because I dragged him into it

I respectfully disagree--IF blame is to be passed around, and I'm not sure it is, it should be passed around equally. I doubt for a minute that your husband felt "dragged" into anything. He's an adult, and he also has the right to say no. It's possible that he saw this as an opportunity to get some on the side without sneaking around to do it.

how do I explain to him that I don't want it to happen again and that if he does it behind my back when I am not home or passed out that it is cheating all over again. He says that it is not because he did it the other night.

It sounds like your definitions of what is and isn't cheating differ on the most basic of levels. If he does something behind your back or something that he's fully aware would hurt you if you found out, then, in my eyes, he's cheating. A threesome should be about the enjoyment of ALL parties involved. As far as I'm concerned, once you've passed out, it ceases to be a threesome.

Put it to him this way: Tell him you want a MMF (even if you don't--just bear with me here). Tell him that you want things to unfold the same way that they unfolded with your encounter with your "friend." If he refuses, point out to him that you're just doing what he's doing. If it's not cheating when he does it, then it's not cheating when you do it. No double standards allowed.

Again, I wish you the best, because there really aren't any easy answers.

 

[SweetErika]

I am a female who is happily married to her husband but he has cheated several times in the past. Everytime I forgive him, yes I know I may be stupid but love is blind.

I know that I am at fault here but I did not enjoy myself nor did I enjoy watching my hubby kissing all over her, so I stopped and told him to finish her off down there because I didn't think it was fair to get things started and then just up and leave.


And he says that it isn't fair for him to get into trouble now if I pass out since I am the one that started it all.

I hope that it never happens again like I said I didn't enjoy it but if it does he will get my permission then.

Me and my husband just started marriage counceling to begin with and I feel that I have just messed up anything that we might have been able to work out for one stupid night of couriousty.

I have tried to explain this to my husband now that it is done and now to lately, and I told him I know that it is my fault because I dragged him into it, but how do I explain to him that I don't want it to happen again and that if he does it behind my back when I am not home or passed out that it is cheating all over again. He says that it is not because he did it the other night. GGRRRRR

He doesn't understand that and asked me if i was drunk passed out and it happend what would I do, I told him to forget about the marriage counceling. Is this fair? Do you think he has a point? How do I explain my feelings? Like I said I am having a hard time explaining how I feel and what all is going thru my head.

I may have missed some of them, but I quoted the above because I was so struck by the number of times you blamed yourself in three posts. If I can be blunt (but this is heartfelt, so please take it that way), I don't think your husband or marriage is the real problem at all...it's that you feel bad about yourself and people have been taking advantage of that. Your husband's capitalizing on it right now by blaming you for starting this and threatening to cheat if you don't give him permission. Don't put up with any of it...you deserve the best, including a partner who loves you, makes you feel good about yourself, and wants you to be happy.

I'm guessing he understands that fucking this (or any other) woman when you haven't given permission is cheating. He's either hoping to break you down to go along with it (blaming you for starting it is a good way to do so), or that by asking, you'll be less suspicious he's going behind your back. Perhaps you could try to talk about this in counseling, but it doesn't sound like he'll change his mind or ways. What you should do is continue counseling yourself to figure out why you've been willing to happily put up with him and whether or not you want to continue doing so in the future.

NO, he doesn't have a point about this being your fault or it being okay to do it again if you were passed out. That's up there with the "She was wearing a sexy outfit, so she must have wanted it" and "You made me hurt you" excuses. Don't accept it, stand your ground, and take care of yourself. You deserve far better, and I hope you use that knowledge to get it.

 

[silverwhisper]

ladyjeanne quoth: "have you asked him how he'd feel if the shoe were on the other foot and you wanted to continue having sex, without his permission, after an MMF that he instigated but then felt awful about?"

i think lady jeanne has the right of it. if he cares about you, he'll understand this, or at least will make an effort to do so, IMHO.

ed

 

[Quoll]

My initial reaction on reading this, and I have read it several times, the man is scum, the lowest of the low.
You say you are happily married even though he has cheated on you several times, and he has basically stated that he will do it again plus you are going to a marriage counsellor, I am sorry but this does not sound very happy.

Like Sweet Erika, I too wonder why you have such a low opinion of your self, I can understand (maybe) forgiving him for cheating once, but remember cheating is not an accident, it is a conscious decision made by someone to do something they know to be wrong.
I think you should continue the counselling for your benifit whether he goes with you or not.
I am sorry if this does not answer your original question, but In my opinion you shouldn`t be worrying about any sort of sexual experimentation until you can be hapy with yourself.
As for your husband I believe he knows full well what cheating is and is simply trying to bully you into giving him what he wants, regardless of your feelings.

 

[JustSkye]

I'm gonna address these issues separately:

Sometimes a fantasy is best left as a fantasy; you often don't know that until you act on it. You made it a reality, and it's causing you grief. You shouldn't feel obligated to do something that makes you feel uncomfortable. You thought you could do it, but you can't. Live and learn. If your husband respects you, he'll respect your decision.


I respectfully disagree--IF blame is to be passed around, and I'm not sure it is, it should be passed around equally. I doubt for a minute that your husband felt "dragged" into anything. He's an adult, and he also has the right to say no. It's possible that he saw this as an opportunity to get some on the side without sneaking around to do it.


It sounds like your definitions of what is and isn't cheating differ on the most basic of levels. If he does something behind your back or something that he's fully aware would hurt you if you found out, then, in my eyes, he's cheating. A threesome should be about the enjoyment of ALL parties involved. As far as I'm concerned, once you've passed out, it ceases to be a threesome.

Put it to him this way: Tell him you want a MMF (even if you don't--just bear with me here). Tell him that you want things to unfold the same way that they unfolded with your encounter with your "friend." If he refuses, point out to him that you're just doing what he's doing. If it's not cheating when he does it, then it's not cheating when you do it. No double standards allowed.

Again, I wish you the best, because there really aren't any easy answers.

I completely agree with you. He also sounds like spoiled whiny child. I would ask him as Eilan has stated to see how it would feel to have a MMF with a guy you had the hots for or feelings for and see how he would like it.
He has absoltuely NO respect for you whatsoever. And, sweetheart you need to get some respect for yourself. Him cheating once and getting caught at it is one thing... but several times?? Come on.
I have been there , and my self-respect is in he tubes because of it, but I'm slowly getting better. He will never change. EVER.
I would continue to go to counseling as it sounds as though you need it for yourself as well as the marriage.
I'm betting too, that he blamed the cheating on reasons for things on your marriage that he says you probably drove him to. And he sounds like a guy I'd like to slap the living daylights out of.
I hope there are not children involved in the marriage. I would not want my son growing up thinking it's ok to treat a g/f, s/o, or spouse this way. And I surely wouldn't want my daughter seeing how my father treated my mother and think that this is how men are supposed to treat those that they supposedly love.
If there are no children involved, I'd pack my bags, tell him to grow the fuck up kiss your ass and walk the hell out.

Jmo.

 

[MintSoda]

Hello everybody, I have been reading this site for several years and really enjoy it. But now I have a problem that I would like some advice on if someone out there is willing to help.
I am a female who is happily married to her husband but he has cheated several times in the past. Everytime I forgive him, yes I know I may be stupid but love is blind. Anyway we have a old friend from high school come into town and it just so happens that my husband tryed to date her back in high school and that he has always had feelings for her but does not want to leave me just wanted me to know how he felt, and how the feelings came rushing back when he seen her. Again anyway...we all went out this past weekend to a dance club and me and her got really drunk and started kissing. Of course my husband was jealous. Later on when we got back to our place things got a little heated up. I have never had a threesome nor ever been with a women but I went down on her. And I let him kiss her and suck on her chest. Well when I opened my eyes to see if she was having fun I got upset. I know that I am at fault here but I did not enjoy myself nor did I enjoy watching my hubby kissing all over her, so I stopped and told him to finish her off down there because I didn't think it was fair to get things started and then just up and leave.
Now the problem is I did not have fun, did not like watching my husband do that but again my fault. We are all suppose to go back out this friday and my husband asked me if we got drunk again and I passed out would I be mad if they did it again themselves, and I said yes because at that point they don't have my permission like they did the first time.
Right now I am so confused with emotions and regret and stuff and I don't know how to express myself and am looking for help. I know that you people are so nice and helpfull and that is why I am turning to you all.
Thank you all so very much.
Me

I say you leave him for her, and I'm only half kidding about that. He sounds like a perfect ass and you sound fairly bi curious.

 

[SweetErika]

<snip>I completely agree with you. He also sounds like spoiled whiny child. I would ask him as Eilan has stated to see how it would feel to have a MMF with a guy you had the hots for or feelings for and see how he would like it.

Hmmm...I'd bet her proposal for a MMF would be met with agreement. First, he wouldn't take it seriously. Second, even the suggestion would give him ammunition to justify his wants and actions. Third, it doesn't sound like he's empathetic, so I doubt this would faze him or help him to see her point of view. If it did provoke a response, I'd be afraid it'd be the angry, accusative, abusive kind.

 

[bertrande]

I would be telling him in no uncertain terms that you tried it and you didn't like it and you don't want it to happen again (unless you do). If you don't want to do it again then don't. Don't let it happen just to 'save your marriage' because it won't.

His asking you for permission to fuck her if you pass out is totally tasteless and the man comes across as an arse.

If he wanted you to try anal sex, and you did, and you found out you didn't like it but he did, would you accept him asking you 'can I fuck you anally when you pass out'. I doubt you would.

Sex should be based on mutal respect (no matter what type of games you play) and one person says stop I don't like it, then it should stop then. Your husband is asking for you to condone cheating. If he doesn't like what you are saying then he needs to deal with the problem.

I agree with the other posts in this thread - stop blaming yourself - it's okay to experiment and not like what you do. I find the idea of a third person in the bedroom quite tantalising but the reality is the couple of times I tried when I was younger I didn't like it, so I am not going to go there again. There are many more things my FB and I can do to spice things up.

Good luck honey I hope it all works out for you.

 

[meohmyo]

Thank you all for your responses. I have calmed down some since this morning. To answer some of the feedback my husband is in no way shape or form the abusive time. We have been talking for the last two days and it just seems that I don't know how to express myself. He said that if I say no than he will obey that, but it still upsets me that he would even want to. I WAS bi-curious untill I tried it and didn't like it. Nothing wrong with the other girl just wasn't my cup of tea. He has agreed to go to a marriage counseler with me because he said that he wants me to be happy and will do anything it takes to help me achieve that. But I have ALWAYS been a insecure person since as far back as I can remember. OH and no he does not blame me for his cheating. A couple of times it has been online girlfriends or whatever, and he said that it was a fantasy world for him but the other girls that he was talking to and making pretend promises to didn't know that it was a fantasy for him. They thought he was for real and planning a future with each other. He doesn't blame me at all for those. But the first time he cheated was with my best friend and I willingly take half the blame for it because I was a very boring person in and out of the bed. I would never try new things and stuff. Please don't get me wrong I am not making up excuses for him by any means I just don't want everybody thinking he is a total ass because he's not. He treats me like a queen but its my insecurities that drive me nuts. And yes he hasn't helped much in that area with his cheating or online fantasies.
Anyway....
Thank you all for your help, I will keep you all up to date on things.
Love ya

 

[meohmyo]

Oh and yes we have two kids together which makes it even harder for me sometimes, but I know that he loves them and they are happy and they never see when mommy and daddy are not happy with each other.

 

[SweetErika]

Thank you all for your responses. I have calmed down some since this morning. To answer some of the feedback my husband is in no way shape or form the abusive time. We have been talking for the last two days and it just seems that I don't know how to express myself. He said that if I say no than he will obey that, but it still upsets me that he would even want to.
I WAS bi-curious untill I tried it and didn't like it. Nothing wrong with the other girl just wasn't my cup of tea. He has agreed to go to a marriage counseler with me because he said that he wants me to be happy and will do anything it takes to help me achieve that. But I have ALWAYS been a insecure person since as far back as I can remember. OH and no he does not blame me for his cheating. A couple of times it has been online girlfriends or whatever, and he said that it was a fantasy world for him but the other girls that he was talking to and making pretend promises to didn't know that it was a fantasy for him. They thought he was for real and planning a future with each other. He doesn't blame me at all for those. But the first time he cheated was with my best friend and I willingly take half the blame for it because I was a very boring person in and out of the bed. I would never try new things and stuff. Please don't get me wrong I am not making up excuses for him by any means I just don't want everybody thinking he is a total ass because he's not. He treats me like a queen but its my insecurities that drive me nuts. And yes he hasn't helped much in that area with his cheating or online fantasies.
Anyway....
Thank you all for your help, I will keep you all up to date on things.
Love ya

You said no, and expressed yourself perfectly well. It should upset you that he would want to, or even suggest having sex with her when you were passed out. Suggesting something like that is manipulative and abusive. Serial cheating is abusive. Not countering you when you blame yourself partially for his cheating is manipulative and abusive.

What would you tell a girlfriend in your place? That it was partially her fault? That she shouldn't be so upset about his cheating with her best friend because she's really boring in and out of bed? It was okay for her husband to cheat and ask if he could fuck an old friend? That it's normal for her husband to make future plans with other women and blame them when they think it's real? That he really loved and treated her well? If you wouldn't say that to her, why on earth would you say it (or anything similar) to yourself?

Now before you peg me as unsympathetic, know I'm a recovering self-blamer (I fall off the wagon more than I'd like). A great counselor taught me the "What would you say to a friend?" technique, and I often find it helpful in moderating my thoughts. Once I started using it and feeling better about myself, my views on a lot of situations changed. I hope you'll be honest about your counselor about your marriage, history, and self esteem, and will resolve all of this so you won't pass it on to your kids.

 

[bertrande]

You said no, and expressed yourself perfectly well. It should upset you that he would want to, or even suggest having sex with her when you were passed out. Suggesting something like that is manipulative and abusive. Serial cheating is abusive. Not countering you when you blame yourself partially for his cheating is manipulative and abusive.

What would you tell a girlfriend in your place? That it was partially her fault? That she shouldn't be so upset about his cheating with her best friend because she's really boring in and out of bed? It was okay for her husband to cheat and ask if he could fuck an old friend? That it's normal for her husband to make future plans with other women and blame them when they think it's real? That he really loved and treated her well? If you wouldn't say that to her, why on earth would you say it (or anything similar) to yourself?

Now before you peg me as unsympathetic, know I'm a recovering self-blamer (I fall off the wagon more than I'd like). A great counselor taught me the "What would you say to a friend?" technique, and I often find it helpful in moderating my thoughts. Once I started using it and feeling better about myself, my views on a lot of situations changed. I hope you'll be honest about your counselor about your marriage, history, and self esteem, and will resolve all of this so you won't pass it on to your kids.

Fantastic advice

 

[Cathleen]

Fantastic advice

I whole heartedly agree. Erika, you have a great head on your shoulders. You never fail to make me think and I thank you for that. Smart lady.

 

[cinnamonstick]

Stop making excuses for him. Saying that he cheated with your best friend because you are boring is a terrible thing to say. You are taking the blame for him. And I some how doubt that you decided to have sex with your friend and him all on your own and you dragged him into it. He was the one with the feeling for her not you. I have to think he manipulated the situation a bit by taking you out drinking.
Also, we can all see he is abusive. Repeated cheating is emotional abuse. It is just diffcult for you to see it.

 

[Willing and Unsure]

Thank you all for your responses. I have calmed down some since this morning. To answer some of the feedback my husband is in no way shape or form the abusive time. We have been talking for the last two days and it just seems that I don't know how to express myself. He said that if I say no than he will obey that, but it still upsets me that he would even want to. I WAS bi-curious untill I tried it and didn't like it. Nothing wrong with the other girl just wasn't my cup of tea. He has agreed to go to a marriage counseler with me because he said that he wants me to be happy and will do anything it takes to help me achieve that. But I have ALWAYS been a insecure person since as far back as I can remember. OH and no he does not blame me for his cheating. A couple of times it has been online girlfriends or whatever, and he said that it was a fantasy world for him but the other girls that he was talking to and making pretend promises to didn't know that it was a fantasy for him. They thought he was for real and planning a future with each other. He doesn't blame me at all for those. But the first time he cheated was with my best friend and I willingly take half the blame for it because I was a very boring person in and out of the bed. I would never try new things and stuff. Please don't get me wrong I am not making up excuses for him by any means I just don't want everybody thinking he is a total ass because he's not. He treats me like a queen but its my insecurities that drive me nuts. And yes he hasn't helped much in that area with his cheating or online fantasies.
Anyway....
Thank you all for your help, I will keep you all up to date on things.
Love ya

you sound a lot like a friend of mine. To me, it sounds a lot like your husband is a bit posessive, but at the same time he's allowed to do things that you are not. The phrase that you used that sticks out the most to me was "he treats you like a queen." If he treats you so well, how come you havent said very many positive things about him here? Really now, if I were to say that someone were treating me that well, I'd have threads all over the place about how amazing he is and have a stupid grin on my face whenever I think about him. I wouldnt make a few statements about how he's a nice guy in the middle of an explanation about how many times he's cheated on me.

If he's cheated on you more than once, what makes you think that he really wont do it again? Hell, he cheated on you with your best friend. That shouldnt make a difference how you were in bed for what he was doing there, and it sounds like your best friend wasnt much of a friend to sleep with your husband. To be honest, it sounds to me like you're half trying to glorify him and how he really is rather than accept what he's really like.

If I were you, I'd take these thoughts that have been posted here by everyone (especially Sweet Erika) and really think about your situation. Ask yourself if this is what you really want and if it's what you want for your children.

 

[Willing and Unsure]

Oh and yes we have two kids together which makes it even harder for me sometimes, but I know that he loves them and they are happy and they never see when mommy and daddy are not happy with each other.

children know when their parents are unhappy with each other, whether they see it or not. They tend to pick up on a lot more of the non-verbal communication signals than most adults do and at some point may start to blame themselves for it all.

 

[meohmyo]

Thank you all so very much. You are right. I didn't mean to glorify him though. What I meant by him treating me like a queen is I don't have to really do anything around the house. He cleans the whole house, does the shopping and helps the kids out more than I do so that all I have to do with them is have play time. And no me and my best friend that he slept with haven't been friends since then. I was upset with him but decided she was worse for not letting me know what was happening. When I do go to the councelor I will totally honest and open like I am trying to be here. Thank you all so very much!!!!!