Confused

[silverwhisper]

erika is a wise woman, meohmy. consider taking lady jeanne's advice, please.

ed

 

[Eilan]

Your husband sounds a lot like my husband's ex-wife. She cheated on him three times (that he knows of) and did a lot of damage to his self-esteem. He was always willing to do whatever they had to do to work things out, but in the end she decided to leave him for one of her "boy toys." In my not-so-humble opinion, he's better off because of it.

Thank you all for your responses. I have calmed down some since this morning. To answer some of the feedback my husband is in no way shape or form the abusive time.

I'm not so sure that I agree. Abuse can be a lot more subtle than that of the physical variety. At the very least, he's certainly disrespectful. Besides, you had (and still have) every right to be upset.

We have been talking for the last two days and it just seems that I don't know how to express myself.

With all due respect, you seem to do well enough on here.

he does not blame me for his cheating.

He shouldn't--he made that decision. Even if you were having problems, there IS the issue of that little "for better or for worse" phrase on your marriage vows. If he thought there was a problem, he should have dealt with it with YOU instead of running to others--online or not. My view is that cheating isn't the problem in a relationship--it's the symptom of a bigger problem, and if that problem's not dealt with, the cheating will continue.

He treats me like a queen

If you say so. Cheating doesn't fall into MY idea of being treated like a queen.

Oh and yes we have two kids together which makes it even harder for me sometimes, but I know that he loves them and they are happy and they never see when mommy and daddy are not happy with each other.

I don't doubt that you and your husband love your children very much, but, please, give them more credit. Children are very good at sensing when things aren't quite right in their parents' relationship, even if the parents try not to air their differences in front of them. My father was physically and mentally abusive toward my mother, and even though I rarely witnessed the physical abuse, I knew when I was three years old that something wasn't quite right between them.

Furthermore, you need to think about what kind of male role model your husband is being for your kids. If you have a son, do you want him to be like his dad; if you have a daughter, do you want her to put up with behavior from men like her dad?

You deserve much better than what you're getting. SweetErika has some superb advice for you. If your husband agrees to marriage counseling, that's fine, but I think you also need to see a counselor on your own to deal with your self-esteem issues.

 

[tomboy58]

Oh my..

That is a very emotional ball to have to deal with...

Erika definitely has Good Strong and Honest advice...
I hope that my opinion here will be taken as honest - I would no way want you to take this wrong.

One thing I noticed thought that really had not been brought back up is that you are supposed to go out with her again... May I ask Why you would put yourself there...?
Please avoid the situation, If it was that uncomfortable He should respect that.

My husband and I just enjoyed our first couple couple exploring - But I was very afraid of what I might feel... And even though I really wanted to try things I was afraid that when it happened it might pull my heart strings and We talked about that possibility Before hand and We both new that it was an option for either of us to say - we gotta back off - even if in the middle of something. Our heart strings are far more important than the 3/4 some. That is a respect that is crucial to this working And you should not be afraid to say - I really wanted to Try it but It didnt work, it pulled my heart strings.. and that should be respected...

As Lady Jeanne said how would he feel if the situation were the other way around - if he had feelings Pop up that he didnt know were there - wouldnt he want you to respect them.

I really wish you the best with this, Respect is crucial, also from the people you are playing with. The couple we were with really seemed to respect our uncertainty of Us not knowing exactly how far was Okay... and for them too. We read each others body language and actually asked before proceeding with some things.... It does not sound like this other girl would be very worried about your feelings... IF she would have sex with him with you passed out...
Be careful -- And do not put yourself into any situation that is going to make you feel pangs and heart strings... IT is not fair to you or anyone else..

Good luck - honest.... I wish you the best w/ working this out
tomboy58

 

[JustSkye]

Please don't get me wrong I am not making up excuses for him by any means..

yes you are and you just did.

 

[Eilan]

I was upset with him but decided she was worse for not letting me know what was happening.

I never understand this. Husbands cheat, and the "other woman" gets all the blame. While I don't necessarily condone her actions, unless she has a spouse of her own, she's not the one taking a huge dump on her marriage vows.

Besides, if she acted like that, she was never your friend in the first place.

 

[meohmyo]

You all are so wonderful and very very helpfull. The old best friend well she cheated on her husband with every tom dick and harry that she knew so that is why i don't talk to her anymore. But I didn't find that out till after her and my husband did a thing. You are right about the kids. I don't know what else to say about that, but I also agree that they probably do know when we are upset with each other. As for the other girl and us going out again, I have talked with her about the experience and stuff. I told her what my husband said about me passing out and she promised me (not that I believe ANYONE'S promise anymore) that she wouldn't even kiss him if I wasn't there to give her permission. I meant to ask him if he felt a void in his life that he was trying to fill in with his online girlfriends or cheating ways but I wasn't able to with the kids home all day for spring break. Can you think of any other good questions that I can ask him when we sit down to talk about this again. And yes are both going to seek a therpist and I will probably go to the same one on my own.
Again, Thank you all so very much!!!!!

 

[bertrande]

I never understand this. Husbands cheat, and the "other woman" gets all the blame. While I don't necessarily condone her actions, unless she has a spouse of her own, she's not the one taking a huge dump on her marriage vows.

Besides, if she acted like that, she was never your friend in the first place.

T'is like that old double standard men who sleep around are studs and women are whores.

And we know that is not true.

 

[SweetErika]

You all are so wonderful and very very helpfull. The old best friend well she cheated on her husband with every tom dick and harry that she knew so that is why i don't talk to her anymore. But I didn't find that out till after her and my husband did a thing. You are right about the kids. I don't know what else to say about that, but I also agree that they probably do know when we are upset with each other. As for the other girl and us going out again, I have talked with her about the experience and stuff. I told her what my husband said about me passing out and she promised me (not that I believe ANYONE'S promise anymore) that she wouldn't even kiss him if I wasn't there to give her permission. I meant to ask him if he felt a void in his life that he was trying to fill in with his online girlfriends or cheating ways but I wasn't able to with the kids home all day for spring break. Can you think of any other good questions that I can ask him when we sit down to talk about this again. And yes are both going to seek a therpist and I will probably go to the same one on my own.
Again, Thank you all so very much!!!!!

It sounds like (and I hope) you're coming around to a more moderate point of view on everything. That's really difficult to do, so congratulate yourself.

As for the kids, you need to ask your therapist if counseling would be a good idea for them too. I got counseling at 9 when my parents separated, and periodically when I was a teenager, but I've had to fight hard against getting sucked into the kind of relationship they (and you) had.

The other woman's response was that she wouldn't even kiss him without your permission? Wouldn't a more normal reaction be, "I'm sorry, and I don't want to get involved with this at all?" And I know things change a little when alcohol and sex are involved, but why did she continue with him when you left with a "finish her off" in the first place? Would you keep going with the husband if you even thought the wife might have a problem with it? All I'm saying is she sounds like she has about as much compassion and integrity as your husband, and that's probably going to lead to some trouble down the road. Watch your back.

Questions for him...
What led him to cheat all of those times? (Anything with you in it is a wrong and inaccurate answer.)

Why did he cheat repeatedly?

Does he fundamentally believe a person can be happy with one partner for life? Is it possible for him?

Why did he feel it was okay to continue with the other woman when you were clearly upset?

What are the best aspects of your relationship?

What are some things he'd like to change about your relationship?