Confused - new to all this

[Confused123]

I am somewhat confused as I no longer know where I "fit".

I am 34 years old. Anyone would not suspect a thing about me, I have always been very sexual. I have always been able to manipulate the men in my life with sex. 3 years ago I met a man who was just so different. I am very petite so men are usually very gentle with me. I have also not had alot of lovers, never had a one night stand, always had long relationships.

Then this man came into my life. He was not gentle, he pulls my hair back, hurts me, takes me, fucks me and I am obsessed with him. I cant get enough. He clicks his fingers and I go running, just to hear him tell me what to do, what he wants, to have someone be ruff with me.

I am so confused, as I am writing this I want him. When I fantasise I think of being raped now, of being completely dominated by someone.

So where to from here, I have tried having a normal sex life now and I cant. And now I have become self distructive. I was living with someone, he was all the things I used to love, but so unsatisfying now. And I hide behind drinking to get in the mood with him, I am afraid of what I am and what I ask for. I keep just going back to the ex because he knows.

What do I do now? Am I just experimenting or am I a submissive who needs more??

 

[silverwhisper]

i'm not sure if you're a sub, or perhaps just looking for someone who's just a lot more assertive than your previous lovers. happily, others here are much more conversant w/ BDSM--it really isn't my thing so i only know what little i've gleaned from the discussions here and my friends from here.

but all the same, welcome to lit, confused!

ed

 

[Nightbird]

Confused you might want to try this part of Lit. It is full of information and people who can answer your questions. CLICK ON ME!!