Concerned about a friend

[Bandit58]

I met a wonderful lady on adultmatchmaker a couple of months ago and we've become good friends and playmates. She is into BDSM and takes a dominant role with me, and both she and Master have played with me on a couple of occasions.

Three weeks ago she went to a play party and met a Dom, who promptly set out to introduce her to submission. She seems to absolutely love it. Master and I met him last night and she and I played while both Doms watched, she took the Domme role with me as always but under her new Master's direction. She has told me he wants her to move in with him, after so short a time. He is a poly Dom who has several subs (not sure whether they all live with him or not). I am concerned that she is moving way too fast. He is quite sadistic, and more into the lifestyle than Master and I are.

She reckons she can handle living a poly lifestyle. However she does have a long distance relationship with another man who she says she loves a lot. She says if she could have them both she would be happy, but this Dom is making her choose. I feel like she is so caught up in all her new experiences that she is not thinking clearly.

What can I do.....I hate to see her making a mistake. I haven't known her that long that I feel comfortable bringing up such a personal issue......even though we get along great together both in and out of bed.

 

[Tollo]

You may be correct that this person is not thinking clearly and about to make a mistake, and because you care about her I think that you should talk with her about it. The key, I think, is to approach her by simply asking her if she has any doubts or concerns herself, and to avoid coming across as judgmental or even doubtful in the beginning. Try to give her the benefit of the doubt, in other words, assume that she is thinking clearly, and ask her about this from the perspective of one who simply wants to understand. If she has not thought this out, it should become obvious and maybe at that point you could offer advice, if she seems receptive.

In the end, of course, she will do what she wants, regardless of whether it seems wise to anyone else. As a friend, sometimes you just have to step back and watch as somebody you care for makes a foolish move. If that turns out to be the case here, then just about the only thing you can do is to let her know that you will be there for her if things do not go well.

Tollo

 

[serijules]

Entering into a poly relationship is never something to take lightly, even for those well experienced in them. Your concerns are very justified. However, I can relate, as I was in nearly the same situation years ago when I first really discovered that I liked more than just spanking. I ended up being collared by a man with many other submissives as well as his wife/slave, and the end result was disatrous. He hurt one of his other subs badly as well, and stole thousands of dollars from her.

I don't think it would be wrong of you to have a talk with her. Just ask questions, encourage her to open up and talk about the situation and gently point out some of the concerns. I know when I was with L, I WANTED everything to be good so badly that even when I felt doubts about him, I tended to ignore them because everyone was so "happy" for me and supportive. Later on, after the relationship ended, those same people were telling me how confused they were by my choices, how hard it was to see things that I wasn't seeing, etc. It really kind of upset me because IMO, it's more productive to talk to your friends about those things and help them see things they may not see, or help them put words to their doubts. There is a line of course, you don't want to be pushy and hurtful, but it certainly can be done.

If she gets insulted and upset, well, that's just one more thing for her to regret when the relationship goes down the toilet :/

 

[INSIDEYOURMIND]

I read this thread, and I thought to myself, that if you have been intimate with this woman, how much more personal can you get?

Experience is basically mistakes we have learned from, maybe she needs to experience this to find out if it's what she wants. If we constantly react to opportunities based solely on what transpired in the past, there would be so many things we would never experience. If you go back 5 years from before you got involved or interested in BDSM, and were told that you were going to be bound and gagged, and made to obey another, I bet you would say in your head, LIKE HELL I AM!

Be a friend, offer her your counsel, but allow her to experience what is in front of her, not what happened to someone else.

She's old enough to vote, drink, cuss, and have sex, Think what your vanilla friends would say about the relationship you are in..................

Education is when you read the fine print. Experience is what you get if you don't.
Pete Seeger

 

[catalina_francisco]

I can relate to your concern, and indecision as to whether to voice your concerns and if so, how. Given that though, perhaps it is something she needs to experience and might be what she was looking for whether she realised it before or not. Perhaps the long distance relationship will always be just that which is not going to be very fulfilling on its own....and as much as she enjoys playing with you both, that once again is not a full on relationship of her own so once again is only a part-time thing for fun....maybe she feels moving in with this person is going to give her that feeling of belonging and having a primary relationship of her own. Given she was advertising and has been playing with you while also in a LDR, perhaps poly is something she can accept and be happy with, perhaps not, but only she can decide. Maybe it is loneliness, maybe it is just that he is the one for her and it is clear...she must have acepted his offer to experience the submissive side of the whip to have gone this far.

I remember a few people cautioning me and telling me I would regret being so impulsive, but I'm not and as much as I accepted their words but chose my own path and stayed in contact with them, I have found they are the ones that have not kept contact with me. I have also found over the years with various people, no matter how much they say after a relationship has gone sour that they wish their friends had warned them and told them they were making a mistake, nearly all those who have had just that happen have rejected the words of their friends and often lost a friendship over it because they were not ready to hear it or didn't feel they were words well meant.

Perhaps the best you can do is be a supportive friend, share in her joy, but remind her if ever she needs you (and emphasis it is not about her choice in this relationship but anything, anytime) she only has to call and you will be there for her. As much as we want to save those we love from making mistakes or being hurt, it isn't always possible and often is not our interpretation of the situation which matters as much as their own choices based on their feelings and knowledge of the whole picture. Voicing your concerns might do nothing more than to alienate her or make her feel you do not share her happiness or have her well being in mind......being supportive and a friend will remind her she can count on you and if things go bad, it will be those people who stood by her she is going to feel more comfortable calling than someone she might feel is going to possibly say or think, 'I told you so'. It could also be that if you mention your concerns and she tells her Dom, he might forbid any further contact with you, isolating her, and then she has no-one to turn to if she needs to.

Catalina

 

[h_i_s]

Bandit ..
i have to wonder as i read your post here:

Did any of your close family or friends KNOW when you met your Master and/or when you decided to move to live with him ... the type of relationship that the two of you share including the BDSM & D/s aspects? Would you have/did you listen to any who reacted in a less than positive /encouraging way? i didn't. ... & i'm greatful for it every single day.

i ask because, at first only a few friends of mine knew way before i moved in with my Master. Many thought i was odd, just didn't understand, and had decided i was totally insane and 'out of my fucking mind', to quote just one.

After He and i had married, a certain snooping relative came across some cards from Master and my copy of "Screw the Roses Send me the Thorns". After that, the rumors grew as the 'details' were passed from one family member to the other. At a family gathering, in Our home, just before our wedding .... i set them all straight one by one ... and 'educated' them all just a bit. After doing so, the snoopy relative was discredited, all other family members dismissied their concerns and LOVE my Master. My mom even confided to me recently that she wishes she had what i have found with my Master = "Peace, happiness & unconditional love.".

i know that my Master and i moved very quickly for two pople who had just met through the internet. i gave my trust and submitted to Him the first day we met, and have not regreted it for even a moment since. i know our's is a rare case of M/s love at first sight/meeting ... and that as rare as we are in that example ... we are proof that it is possible.

i knew the first day i drove the 50 miles to His home in June 2004 ... that if i told anyone where i was going .... they would say i was nuts, taking too many risks and they'd have stopped me in my tracks. i also knew that even after we met, if i'd told them all that i was madly in love, wanted to marry Him, and couldn't wait to move in and live together with Him ... they would have told me i was silly, overly romantic, on the rebound, just lonely & needed to shop around a bit more & needed to SLOW DOWN. i would have ignored them all. Mostly out of rebellion, but just as likely out of being an adult who needs to make her own decisions, regardless. i'd have told them all to be happy for me, and would have adviced them that if they had nothing to say that they should say NOTHING at all. And i'm talking about when none of them even knew that BDSM is our thing, and/or about the dynamics of our relationship. BDSM or not, they'd have said so just the same. Some did in fact. i turned a deaf ear to them all, and even told a few in a less than polite choice of words, to 'mind their friggin business & let me live my life'.

Many times in life i have had to take chances, let down my guard, trust my inner gut feelings & go with my instincts. Those times that i didn't listen to my instincts and ignored the red flags .... resulted in two exs. If i hadn't followed my dreams and desires in deciding to drive to meet Him that Sunday afternoon in June of 2004 .... i'd have missed out on the 'happily ever after' of my life.

The best you can do as a friend, is tell her that you are concerned that she may be moving a bit fast and wish to see her happy, and therefore hope that it all adds up to what she wishes it to be ... and that you'd like to be there, and will continue to be there for her regardless, whether it is to share her joys, or be a good friend who will listen with a compassionate ear even if it doesn't all turn out perfectly.

 

[Bandit58]

Thanks for the feedback everyone
I have told her that anytime she needs to talk about anything, that I am here. I understand how it is all new and exciting for her, hell it is for me too. The speed of it all is what really worries me about it, however as you pointed out sinnocent it can work, and work wonderfully I only hope that it works out for my friend, if she decides to go ahead with it.

A couple of my friends from NZ knew of the type of relationship I would be going into, but my family has no idea. They would be very shocked I am sure. However I had known Master Gil for a few months before I visited Him, and thought about everything very carefully before I made the commitment. I'm just concerned that she is having a case of the "sub frenzies". Especially in a poly relationship, there is a lot to think about not just physically but emotionally.

 

[catalina_francisco]

You are correct in poly needing a lot of consideration, but then this woman was already in a situation of having more than one relationship and seemed happy with it. It can happen quickly....for us it did and the wedding was arranged and paid for before we met....sometimes it is just so clear it is the right person there seems little reason to wait, especially if you are not 20 with what seems like a long lifetime ahead to take your time and plan carefully. I know vanilla friends of ours who recently were married who found the same thing.....both very sensible and cautious 30 something people, met online, met face to face soon after at which time she never went home from the first date so have lived together ever since that first kiss and are now blissfully married. It can happen just as it can happen someone might take the usual lengthy time to get to know someone, date etc., and still have it all blow up in their face somewhere down the track....***** is unpredictable and a journey each of us must make in our own way, complete with the occasional pothole we might fall into.

Catalina

 

[serijules]

IMO, being in a true poly situation and being in a relationship and having other play partners is very different. In every relationship I've been in, I've also had other play partners that I got together with occasionally and played with and had solid friendships with. I don't consider that to be poly necessarily, at least not compared to being in a relationship where you and/or your partner have other relationships that intermingle with your own. Having been on both sides of the fence experience-wise, I have to say that my years of playing with multiple people did little to prepare me for a true poly relationship. It's tough.


Sheesh, this is not my day....sorry to have pressed edit instead of quote serijules, not intentional.

 

[catalina_francisco]

IMO, being in a true poly situation and being in a relationship and having other play partners is very different. In every relationship I've been in, I've also had other play partners that I got together with occasionally and played with and had solid friendships with. I don't consider that to be poly necessarily, at least not compared to being in a relationship where you and/or your partner have other relationships that intermingle with your own. Having been on both sides of the fence experience-wise, I have to say that my years of playing with multiple people did little to prepare me for a true poly relationship. It's tough.

True, though I do see it as a sign that a person may be more adaptable to that situation than someone who is 100% monogomous and can't see the possibility of anything else. With good support and guidance, and the feeling your needs are recognised and often met in a relationship where you are valued, the chance of success is often increased.

Catalina

 

[Bandit58]

Well she is coming over tomorrow evening, the long distance b/f has come for a visit and she says she has worked something out which is acceptable to him, just has to see if the new Dom will agree to it. No details forthcoming as yet, but she seems less confused and happier about things.

I sent her some links about sub frenzies and she says they helped a lot - here they are for anyone else who might be interested:

Sub Frenzies

Dominant or Domineering

Dominant or Domineering 2

 

[MasterSnatch]

Do tell us how it goes, I'm a bit curious about the situation myself. Right now she sounds like she thinks it shall be good but I can't help but think once things start to happen in a few months it may come to an abrupt if not painful end.

I'm sure both you and your Masters judgement of him shall be sound from the impressions you have of him.

 

[Private_Label]

Well she is coming over tomorrow evening, the long distance b/f has come for a visit and she says she has worked something out which is acceptable to him, just has to see if the new Dom will agree to it. No details forthcoming as yet, but she seems less confused and happier about things.

Yep, the endorphin rush can make us do strage things some times. I hope the situation with your friend and her LDR BF and the local D can work out something that benefits everyone in that group. For some people the poly relationship can work wonferfully well - as with other things not all the time, but as sinnocent pointed out, there is the occasional success story that makes one hopeful for the best.

 

[Bandit58]

Well the solution is for the b/f (who seems a nice guy btw) to move from Perth to Sydney (he is waiting to hear the results of a job interview). They will live at her place and she will spend a couple of nights a week subbing to the new Dom, at his place. That way if it all turns to custard she hasn't burnt her bridges and she has a stable place to go.

She told us that at the play party she met the Dom at, that she had just been doing a scene with wax play and was still coming down from subspace when he put his hand on her and said "You're mine", and her mind being still in a fuzzy state she said "Yes Sir". Now even if Osama Bin Laden did that to a sub still flying they would probably say "Yes Sir" IMO, unfair and unbecoming of someone who claims to be a Master. Master Gil's opinion is rather stronger than mine - His impression was "complete tosser". However as many have said it is her choice, and she knows I am there anytime she needs to talk, so that is probably as much as can be done......

 

[ZenDragoness]

edited

 

[mdiaz451]

moving fast...

It sounds like her new "Dom" really has manipulated her and this is not such a consensual situation.

You can talk to her all you will, but she may do what she wants, even if it's hasty and stupid. Keep talking with her - and offering your input and personal support, even if you disagree with what she's doing.

Ultimately, she may need refuge from him (probably will is my guess), and it's important (SO important) for her to know there is someplace she can turn. Best of luck to you both.

 

[Private_Label]

She told us that at the play party she met the Dom at, that she had just been doing a scene with wax play and was still coming down from subspace when he put his hand on her and said "You're mine",

Sounds like he was waiting until she was in a position that she couldn't make a rational choice to "put the moves on her" in a manner of speaking. If she had been there with a master would he have done the same thing? Strikes me as a bit unethical. As you said, her choice to continue the relationship or not. But I am also glad to her her BF is moving closer and that she is only seeing the new Dom a few days a week. Hopefully that will give her enough breathing room that if the new Dom is not what she is seeking, then she has the room to get out of that situation.

 

[Noor]

I can understand why you are concerned, he seems opportunist and unethical. Taking advantage of people in altered states of mind seems off and disrespectful.

 

[Bandit58]

Well the solution is for the b/f (who seems a nice guy btw) to move from Perth to Sydney (he is waiting to hear the results of a job interview). They will live at her place and she will spend a couple of nights a week subbing to the new Dom, at his place. That way if it all turns to custard she hasn't burnt her bridges and she has a stable place to go.

She told us that at the play party she met the Dom at, that she had just been doing a scene with wax play and was still coming down from subspace when he put his hand on her and said "You're mine", and her mind being still in a fuzzy state she said "Yes Sir". Now even if Osama Bin Laden did that to a sub still flying they would probably say "Yes Sir" IMO, unfair and unbecoming of someone who claims to be a Master. Master Gil's opinion is rather stronger than mine - His impression was "complete tosser". However as many have said it is her choice, and she knows I am there anytime she needs to talk, so that is probably as much as can be done......

She rang me this afternoon - it appears that Mr Domly Dom didn't go for the above solution He wants her to commit to live with him 24/7 for 12 months. She is not sure she can do the 24/7 sub thing continuously for that amount of time. She's spent a few days living with him and experiencing the realities of it and is still as confused as ever.

The reason she's home again is he's got another sub visiting from interstate and she didn't want to be there with both of them. She's going to a play party with them tomorrow night. As I said he is poly and by the sounds of it has subs all over Australia

The b/f has got his job and is moving to Sydney by the end of next week. She has until next Wednesday to make her decision. She will be able to play with the b/f, but only under her Master's direction, which is not something she is keen on (B/f is a switch too by the sounds of it). He has said if she chooses the Master that he will be a friend but nothing more.

We had quite a long chat and I told her of Master Gil's and my concerns, she knows she can call any time and I will be there for her, but I can't make her decision for her. This lady does enjoy topping and IMO I can't see her lasting 12 months in a 24/7 submissive role. He will be supporting her, she won't have to work, which is another thing she may get bored with sitting at home waiting on Mr Domly's attentions. My impression of him is he has all the techniques and toys and talks the talk but there's no emotion in him, he's a player. *sigh* I guess I've done all I can do......

 

[catalina_francisco]

I noticed the same as you catalina and i am still wondering, why this is the case.
Was it a moral divide? Are they envious? Am i sending subconcious signals of disappointment?

I am really musing about it, cause one was a longtime female friend. In this case after some time and her ongoing professed ununderstanding of my decisions concerning my lovelife, i cutted the contact. The final straw was a mail from her,
where she asked, if i am being healthy again (meaning not longer mentally disturbed!).


Ruth

aka ZenDragoness

Certainly has never been clear to me, and F says he would put the non-return of contact after we were settled and happy down to jealousy and/or dissatisfaction with their own lives. Most of those who responded this way were unaware of the type relationship we were going to share and were under the impression it was of the vanilla kind which I did not expand on given they had a hard time accepting that. They mostly voiced the concern I may be abused, which is ironic given that now they know it is the complete opposite in that I am seeing the world, have a wonderful love who is there for me always as I am for him, and have the opportunity to do things I only ever dreamed of having the luxury of before, that they choose to cut contact.....somehow it doesn't add up to a concerned 'friend' to me.

Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

We had quite a long chat and I told her of Master Gil's and my concerns, she knows she can call any time and I will be there for her, but I can't make her decision for her. This lady does enjoy topping and IMO I can't see her lasting 12 months in a 24/7 submissive role. He will be supporting her, she won't have to work, which is another thing she may get bored with sitting at home waiting on Mr Domly's attentions. My impression of him is he has all the techniques and toys and talks the talk but there's no emotion in him, he's a player. *sigh* I guess I've done all I can do......

I think after what you have found, and this latest development, you have good reason to be concerned, but have done well to handle it so diplomatically when you must both be itching to just hold her captive until she gets past this hunger for the dangled carrot that might not be that real or fresh. Sounds like your assessment of him is spot on, but unfortunately she is not in a position to appreciate it herself being so close and confused. Perhaps a counselling session would help, or maybe she needs time out from life this weekend to just think clearly of all she would be changing or sacrifincing and if that is what she wants. She also needs to think about leaving her work for 12 months (or less), and the impact of that and the dealing with a broken relationship if that is how it plays out...is not a healthy option. Fortunately she has both of you there if she should need a soft place to fall.

Catalina