Communication

[impressive]

I had a "spirited discussion" with my closest friend last night. It ended abruptly and without anything approaching consensus. IMO, it ended dysfunctionally -- in that communication was shut down prematurely -- and I find that as unsettling as our disagreement on the matter.

We have a mutual friend who is having a problem with her husband -- touchy issue, sexual in nature. This friend, by nature, confronts problems head on. She insists on talking about such issues (in confidence) -- regardless of how uncomfortable or awkward they might be -- seeking resolution (or simply understanding).

I admire that and contend that such open communication is a testament to the value one places on a relationship, whether it's a sexual relationship or "just" a friendship.

How do YOU approach communication issues?

 

[Guest]

How do YOU approach communication issues?

being in a long distance relationship, all we have is communication. i believe this is one thing that will bring us through many years with the ability to LISTEN.
one thing that blows my mind is that she doesnt mind having to repeat herself...its hard for me to hear all that well (past issues with ear infections and all that have taken a toll on my hearing range) huge road blocks from that!
but back to the question
listening and offering your view-point.. isnt that the crux of communication?
resolution of disagreements is a different matter. often have disagreements with sister. she is anal but i try to understand her position on many things.
i believe that in order for things to be easy flowing, both parties must be willing to bend. not always the case, obviously.

hell i didnt mean to go on and on...appologies, sweetness

 

[impressive]

Re: Re: Communication

resolution of disagreements is a different matter.

True -- and I should have left that out of the mix. However, without open communication, can you ever GET to resolution (or understanding)?

 

[SensualCealy]

I am kind of going though the same situation with a girlfriend of mine.

She in a sense is seperated from her husband, yet still lives in the same home, different bedrooms, different lives.

She has searched out men on the interent to meet for the chance of finding someone to spend the rest of her life with.

She dates these guys for a few months, then all hell breaks loose. Something comes up that causes the relationship to go rocky and she wants out.

In my opinion she has many issues that need to be resolved before she can carry on a healthy relationship, she says she knows but wont go for help.

This last time, they broke up, with in a week they were back together. Finally Ive said, enough is enough, if she wants my opinion Ill give it to her. Without pussy footing around, she needs to hear it and if that causes a rift between us, so be it. If she didnt want to hear what I have to say, then she shouldnt ask!

Im so frustrated not it isnt funny, I see her two kids being caught in her relationships and wonder what its doing to them.

I did tell her a time ago, that if she didnt want to know my opinion or what I thought she should do, then dont ask, I will sit and listen but not give any advice. She still asks, so now I give 100%!

Tough love I guess,
Cealy

 

[Guest]

 

[Joe Wordsworth]

I think communication is important, useful, and excellent when done correctly. Every serious relationship I've ever been in has necessitated an understanding that there are proper and improper ways to resolve problems, and divergeance from approaching them cautiously, impartially, and rationally will lead to argument and emotive lashing out.

It takes a while to train up the "be rational"-ness.

 

[impressive]

I think communication is important, useful, and excellent when done correctly. Every serious relationship I've ever been in has necessitated an understanding that there are proper and improper ways to resolve problems, and divergeance from approaching them cautiously, impartially, and rationally will lead to argument and emotive lashing out.

It takes a while to train up the "be rational"-ness.

Is communication done "incorrectly" better than none at all? I mean, even an "emotive lashing out" can be cathartic for both parties -- or am I a hopeless optimist?

 

[Lucifer_Carroll]

Depends on the communication occuring.

Sometimes you need to emphasize, sometimes you need to be helpful, sometimes you need to joke around, and sometimes you just need to shut the fuck up.

It's hard to tell the exact mood you need to adopt until the moment arrives. I've been constantly seeking to improve my empathy in this regard. I can usually pick it out in conversation, but I'm helpless in non-verbal communication. One of my old friends is my idol in this regard. He is empathic to a fault as well as one of the ultimate practitioners of zen. He can spot the mood of anyone at any time and adjust himself to best prevent confrontation.

So, basically it all comes down to empathy and spotting the moves of the conversation and remembering that sometimes the best response is supportive and diplomatic silence.

 

[Lucifer_Carroll]

Is communication done "incorrectly" better than none at all? I mean, even an "emotive lashing out" can be cathartic for both parties -- or am I a hopeless optimist?

Hmm, Who's afraid of Virginia Woolfe?

You might have something there, though personally I would strive to minimize those cathartic moments.

 

[impressive]

You might have something there, though personally I would strive to minimize those cathartic moments.

If a "cathartic moment" does irreparable harm to a relationship, was that relationship worth preserving in the first place?

If we can't weather the growing pains, why do we waste our time?

 

[impressive]

We learned long ago that letting things fester won't solve anything and only makes them worse.

And tends to either result in an eruption that could have been completely avoided -- or settling into a pattern of general malaise and dissatisfaction.

So -- many little "cathartic moments" are preferable to one gigundous one?

 

[ABSTRUSE]

I have communication issues.

 

[impressive]

I have communication issues.

Care to elaborate?

 

[ABSTRUSE]

Care to elaborate?

Maybe.

 

[Lucifer_Carroll]

If a "cathartic moment" does irreparable harm to a relationship, was that relationship worth preserving in the first place?

If we can't weather the growing pains, why do we waste our time?

Actually it's more to do with how much I hate giving apologies. I always feel horribly guilty at blowing up at someone even when I know they deserved it. I just don't have it in me to be sadistic. Ironic, huh?

 

[impressive]

Actually it's more to do with how much I hate giving apologies.

Another communication issue.

 

[Guest]

 

[Joe Wordsworth]

Originally posted by impressive
Is communication done "incorrectly" better than none at all?

Yes, but not as good as doing it correctly, I'd say.

I mean, even an "emotive lashing out" can be cathartic for both parties -- or am I a hopeless optimist?

I'm not much for the catharsis of lashing out, I don't suppose.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

Okay, I'm only a partial waste of a human at this.

I can talk to anyone, about anything as long as it's not about my feelings...then I cease to communicate.
My natural instinct to shut down has led to accusations of being a liar, a martyr and a bitch.
In the few instances I have 'opened' up it has led to disaster, therapy is my only hope, but I can't even do that now.

I have the "I can save the world" thing going. I can talk you out of suicide, I can pick you up when you're down and I can show you your worth. I will die with a secret you've told me. I will defend someone, even someone who has hurt me, until the end.

Just don't ask me how I'm feeling and expect a real answer.

 

[impressive]

I'm not much for the catharsis of lashing out, I don't suppose.

Nor I -- but in the absence of "good" communication along the way, things do tend to reach a boiling point when such lashing out becomes almost inevitable -- either that, or surrender to a stagnant relationship.

 

[Joe Wordsworth]

Originally posted by impressive
Nor I -- but in the absence of "good" communication along the way, things do tend to reach a boiling point when such lashing out becomes almost inevitable -- either that, or surrender to a stagnant relationship.

Or break up, because it isn't worth it.

 

[impressive]

I can talk to anyone, about anything as long as it's not about my feelings...then I cease to communicate.

<snip>

Just don't ask me how I'm feeling and expect a real answer.

I know this person very, very well.

 

[impressive]

Or break up, because it isn't worth it.

True.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

I know this person very, very well.

They suck, don't they.

 

[impressive]

They suck, don't they.

Hardly. They are extraordinarily frustrating, but worth the tears.