Communication

[cloudy]

You mean you're supposed to talk to the other person?

Sheesh......No wonder things at home suck muchly.

 

[rgraham666]

I have little experience at this.

But I have made up my mind, that in future relationships we talk to each other clearly and with as little rancour as possible. And I'll make it clear that it is verbal communication. I have a lot of trouble reading body language etc. I'll always read 'the signs' wrong.

And I will make it clear to the other person that we should forgive each other, and ourselves.

Especially forgiving ourselves. We're only human, we'll make mistakes. Sometimes over and over again. If we hold ourselves to a ridiculously high standard of behaviour, we will always be disappointed in the other, and ourselves.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

Hardly. They are extraordinarily frustrating, but worth the tears.

Not when you live inside their head.

 

[impressive]

I have little experience at this.

But I have made up my mind, that in future relationships we talk to each other clearly and with as little rancour as possible. And I'll make it clear that it is verbal communication. I have a lot of trouble reading body language etc. I'll always read 'the signs' wrong.

And I will make it clear to the other person that we should forgive each other, and ourselves.

Especially forgiving ourselves. We're only human, we'll make mistakes. Sometimes over and over again. If we hold ourselves to a ridiculously high standard of behaviour, we will always be disappointed in the other, and ourselves.

Well said, RG.

I absolutely will NOT ever again allow any relationship I value to fall into the non-communication trap. If it's worth preserving, then it's worth the effort to communicate. It might be a one-sided conversation, but the other person WILL know how I feel. Eventually, with enough patience and perseverance, there just might be understanding. If not, then it wasn't "worth it" to begin with.

 

[impressive]

Not when you live inside their head.

Dear, cut yourself some serious slack. You are loved.

 

[rgraham666]

Dear, cut yourself some serious slack. You are loved.

Seconded.

es and *HUGS* Abs.

 

[oggbashan]

I have a lot of trouble reading body language etc. I'll always read 'the signs' wrong.

I have trouble with people who believe in body language as an infalliable means of communication, particularly at work.

I have a damaged back, not enough to be labelled as disabled, but enough that I appear 'stiff'. Of course I do. I AM stiff. My back does NOT bend at all. If I have to stand for a long time I have to lean on something. I cannot sit comfortably in most office chairs.

If the person I am talking to believes in body language they will get the impression that I am rigid and unbending in my views, that I lack flexibility or creativity - all because of a physical characteristic I cannot alter.

What is a mild problem for me becomes serious if one is actually disabled. Body language is distorted for someone in a wheelchair or who walks with aids such as a stick or a frame. Wheelchair users often suffer with people talking to the pusher as if the person in the wheelchair doesn't exist e.g. 'How is he today?" - Why not ask me, you jerk! is the instinctive reaction.

Hand gestures vary across cultures. A 'No' signal can actually mean 'Yes' in a different country.

As Authors we should be well aware of the difficulty of communication using only the written word. You cannot show tone of voice. Even emphasis is difficult. Once you get on to cultural references and metaphors the possibilities for misunderstanding increase. Irony and sarcasm are lost in translation, not between languages, but between different uses of English. British 'Humour' does not necessarily read as US 'Humor' and vice versa.

Og

 

[RebeccaLeah]

Hardly. They are extraordinarily frustrating, but worth the tears.

Yes. They are.

 

[impressive]

I have trouble with people who believe in body language as an infalliable means of communication, particularly at work.

Definitely NOT infallible -- but I believe it is of value IF one knows the person enough to be aware of such physical issues as that which you describe.

Empathy, too, is of significant value in understanding from whence another cometh.

My personality type is viewed as extraordinarily empathetic -- so much so that we can often literally FEEL other people's pain, especially those we love. Yet it is written, not verbal, communication at which we excel.

The longing to understand and be understood -- and the vulnerabilities that accompany such understanding -- are, I believe, at the core of most communication issues. To be emotionally naked is terrifying.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

Definitely NOT infallible -- but I believe it is of value IF one knows the person enough to be aware of such physical issues as that which you describe.

Empathy, too, is of significant value in understanding from whence another cometh.

My personality type is viewed as extraordinarily empathetic -- so much so that we can often literally FEEL other people's pain, especially those we love. Yet it is written, not verbal, communication at which we excel.

The longing to understand and be understood -- and the vulnerabilities that accompany such understanding -- are, I believe, at the core of most communication issues. To be emotionally naked is terrifying.

Fucking brilliant....esp the last line.

 

[Joe Wordsworth]

Originally posted by impressive
My personality type is viewed as extraordinarily empathetic -- so much so that we can often literally FEEL other people's pain, especially those we love.

With all due respect... I've never bought into that. Completely alien to me.

 

[impressive]

With all due respect... I've never bought into that. Completely alien to me.

Guess you gotta feel it to believe it. It's very, very real.

 

[Joe Wordsworth]

Originally posted by impressive
Guess you gotta feel it to believe it. It's very, very real.

Guess so. I admit, I'm not the most "touchy-feely" of individuals.

 

[RebeccaLeah]

Guess you gotta feel it to believe it. It's very, very real.

I'll second that imp, though I've felt it with very few people. Just to toss it out on the table, I think not being able to help magnifies it.

 

[mismused]

Dear, cut yourself some serious slack. You are loved.

=========================

One theory is that every person has their own reality -- I subscribe to that-- for now, at least.

Talking, communicating with anyone is always, therefore, an "adventure." So, Absie, dear, you are right about that being in your head stuff, anyway. Then again, so is Impressive in that everyone does love you, so live with it.

If everyone has their own reality, then how much do you know about that person's reality? There, Imp, is the real fun/frustrating part, that, and the way you deal with what you know.

Do you meld with the one you are talking to, and is the way you talk to someone the same, or "tailored" to their needs/reality.

*Sigh!* Good luck.

m

 

[lucky-E-leven]

... by nature, confronts problems head on. She insists on talking about such issues (in confidence) -- regardless of how uncomfortable or awkward they might be -- seeking resolution (or simply understanding).

How do YOU approach communication issues?

I am much the same way as your friend, Imp. I learned the hard way that leaving things unsaid or unapproached because of potential discomfort or confrontation only makes things worse. It seems, according to people I know, communicating with me is pretty much all or nothing. Some people find it difficult to think on their feet and like to weigh every word with a potential reaction/consequence. I do not subscribe to this at all. I allow, for everyone, emotions to be raw and unneccessary to explain or justify. Get it all out there and then we'll pick it apart, if need be, and come to some kind of resolution.

Additionally, there must be a sign on my forehead (invisible to me) that says, "Open up and tell me EVERYTHING!" You wouldn't believe the things people feel comfortable telling me. Near perfect strangers have no qualms opening up the deepest, darkest corners of their lives and sharing them with me. It's a little disconcerting sometimes, but always makes me feel good that people think I'm approachable and trustworthy. It poses problems sometimes, but overall I think it's a good thing.



~lucky

 

[impressive]

Re: Re: Communication

It seems, according to people I know, communicating with me is pretty much all or nothing. Some people find it difficult to think on their feet and like to weigh every word with a potential reaction/consequence. I do not subscribe to this at all. I allow, for everyone, emotions to be raw and unneccessary to explain or justify. Get it all out there and then we'll pick it apart, if need be, and come to some kind of resolution.

I am much the same -- or try to be, anyway.

Additionally, there must be a sign on my forehead (invisible to me) that says, "Open up and tell me EVERYTHING!" You wouldn't believe the things people feel comfortable telling me. Near perfect strangers have no qualms opening up the deepest, darkest corners of their lives and sharing them with me. It's a little disconcerting sometimes, but always makes me feel good that people think I'm approachable and trustworthy. It poses problems sometimes, but overall I think it's a good thing.

Yes! I get that to a certain extent as well.

 

[impressive]

=========================

One theory is that every person has their own reality -- I subscribe to that-- for now, at least.

<snip>

If everyone has their own reality, then how much do you know about that person's reality? There, Imp, is the real fun/frustrating part, that, and the way you deal with what you know.

Okay -- I can see this somewhat. I can definitely see the frustration in beating one's head against the walls of another's reality while pleading, "Let me in!"

Again, we're back to understanding and being understood ...

 

[lucky-E-leven]

Again, we're back to understanding and being understood ...

This is a HUGE thing with me. What's the real question here? How to communicate in order to understand and be understood?

If so...

I think most misunderstandings come from people being too stuck on their point to actually hear and absorb the other person's. It takes stepping off your soapbox, really listening, putting yourself in their shoes and walking around a little bit. I'm not always real good at it, admittedly, but I also tend to need to know their motivation for taking such a hard stance to begin with. THAT has a lot to do with me understanding them, moreso than the actual topic/issue itself.

~lucky

 

[lucky-E-leven]

... along the way, things do tend to reach a boiling point when such lashing out becomes almost inevitable -- either that, or surrender to a stagnant relationship.

I think this is a sign that the relationship between those communicating is actually worth a damn to them. It's rare for me to take something to heart unless the other person's feelings and/or the relationship itself appear in danger.

~lucky

 

[maggot420]

Guess you gotta feel it to believe it. It's very, very real.

It's very very uncomfortable. I can't be in a room with more than a few people because of the overwhelming emotions people feel at any given moment. And it's not just their pain i can feel, it's also stress, anxiety, anger, fear, love. It's too much sometimes which is why I suppose I've become something of a hermit.
So now i don't have to communicate face to face to anyone. I can write to communicate and I don't have to go through the sensory overload.
Maybe that's cheating.

 

[oggbashan]

Some of my career has meant working closely with Social Workers.

The best of them are very good at empathy and picking messages that are not said or even expressed in euphemisms.

Those 'best' could often burn out with the load of other people's insoluble problems.

Being able to understand others can be a curse, not a gift.

Og

 

[Guest]

I absolutely will NOT ever again allow any relationship I value to fall into the non-communication trap. If it's worth preserving, then it's worth the effort to communicate. It might be a one-sided conversation, but the other person WILL know how I feel. Eventually, with enough patience and perseverance, there just might be understanding. If not, then it wasn't "worth it" to begin with.

Well said, Imp.

Good, open, honest communication is the key to the success of any relationship.

If you don't tell the other person exactly how you feel, how are they supposed to know? Especially men, they need things spelling out to them in very plain language. That wasn't meant as a degrogatory statement, btw, it's the truth.

Women, sometimes (ok, often), try to drop hints, and men just don't get them. Maybe some do, there are always exceptions to the rule, but subtlety just doesn't work.

Guessing games don't cut it, either. If there is something you feel you want to know, just ask.

I make a point of having "good chats" on a regular basis. Seems to have worked well so far.

Lou

 

[impressive]

It's very very uncomfortable. I can't be in a room with more than a few people because of the overwhelming emotions people feel at any given moment. And it's not just their pain i can feel, it's also stress, anxiety, anger, fear, love. It's too much sometimes which is why I suppose I've become something of a hermit.

I think that's introversion coupled with intense empathy. I feel it to an extent -- but more as "background noise" unless it's someone with whom I share a bond. Then, it just screams inside my skull -- even causing physical discomfort.

 

[impressive]

Being able to understand others can be a curse, not a gift.

So true! It's like the empaths on Star Trek being crushed by the weight of others' emotions. Add a broken social service delivery system to the mix and you've a recipe for real burnout.