Communication

[zipman]

I think that all of us understand the importance of communication in any relationship, let alone a BDSM relationship. But understanding the importance of communication does not mean that we all communicate effectively.

So I thought why not start a thread on how to communicate effectively.

1) Communicate Directly.
Too often, people tend to communicate indirectly because of a fear of how the recipient is going to handle what you are saying. I find it best to speak directly, and address the real issue. I have had girlfriends/subs who have used other indirect means for communication. For example, someone who makes snide remarks about things that they don't like instead of coming out and saying exactly what it is that they don't like.

2) Communicate in a timely fashion.
Don't wait for something to "build up" in you before you say something. If you don't like something, say it. When people hold back communication, the problem gets bigger, but so does the resentment. When it finally does come out, it can be more like an explosion. Then the other person is so taken aback that they may be defensive about it. Communicate as soon as possible when an issue arises. If you need to cool off first, the n do it, but waiting and saying something like "well two months ago you..." doesn't help the relationship.

3) Say what you mean and mean what you say.
Be clear about what you are saying and make sure it is how you really feel. Don't say, "well, I might be willing to try that" when you really don't want to. If you come out and say "I am uncomfortable trying that because of _______," then you can have a discussion about the real issue behind why your are uncomfortable.

4) Communicate in person whenever possible
Communicating in person is usually the best way, as it allows both parties to see each others reactions to what is being said. Communicating by phone is the next best way because you can hear someone's tone and inflection. Print or electronic communication is a distant third, as there are no other visual or audio cues to the message. It is easy to misinterpret meaning without audio or visual cues.

5) Set context for communications
Don't just launch into a problem, but set some context. I usually say something like, "I would like to talk about something that has been bothering me." Instantly, my gf knows that something is wrong, that I want to discuss it and that I am expecting her to pay attention. If I just said "I hate it when you..." then she may well become defensive instead of being open to having a discussion.

6) Discuss your communication preferences with your partner
It is vital to understand how you each desire to communicate with each other. Some people have a lot of trouble verbalizing problems, and are more comfortable writing down their thoughts so that their fear of communication doesn't inhibit what they are trying to say. Others prefer to say what is on their mind. Discussing how you each want to communicate is the best way to ensure that you will be able to understand and meet each others communication needs.

These are my thoughts about effective communication. Each of you may have different tips, techniques or preferences. Please share them so that we can all learn to communicate more effectively with our SO's.

 

[redelicious]

4) Communicate in person whenever possible
Communicating in person is usually the best way, as it allows both parties to see each others reactions to what is being said. Communicating by phone is the next best way because you can hear someone's tone and inflection. Print or electronic communication is a distant third, as there are no other visual or audio cues to the message. It is easy to misinterpret meaning without audio or visual cues.

I just wanted to call attention to the last two sentences above....

Sometimes online communication is the only realistic means available. It is still possible to hear the other person's voice if you use Yahoo voice chat. Headphone/mic sets can be purchased at Walmart for about $10.00. I have found this has helped me communicate more effectively.

Still not as good as in person, but a great improvement over chat alone....

 

[serijules]

EXCELLENT post zipman, and a very important issues.

I wrote an essay awhile back on safe, sane consensual play, and the importance of communication. I'm going to paste the part about communication and it's place in the "SSC" lifestyle. Some of this mirror's zipman's comments too.

(yes, this is called 'cheating-so-I-won't-have-to-retype-my-opinion'...spank me )

Communication and Consent

Communication is a two way street that meets in the middle. Sounds like a road to disaster, doesn't it?

I have seen many people hurt and disappointed by something I can only describe as a lack of communication. If you are not comfortable enough with someone you are playing with to communicate and share with them, then you are not in a safe situation. No definition, no desire, is the same in any two people. What is erotic to one person is disgusting to the next. What means NO to one may mean PLEASE MORE to another.

I have seen so many submissives and bottoms that assume their Tops are mind readers. They want something and push and push to get a reaction, and then are upset when the reaction isn't there or isn't what they wanted. I can only imagine how bewildered and turned off the Top must be by this behavior.

Simply put, none of us are mind readers, and it is essential to sane play that we ALL remember this and treat our partners accordingly. From the very first meeting, communication needs to be the center focus. Even the most experienced Top is not going to pick up on your needs and desires unless you are willing to open up and share that with them. A relationship where communication is a constant companion, is a relationship that is going to float when others around are sinking. No matter how much two people get to know one another, there is always something to learn, new territory to explore. The moment you stop communicating is the moment that you are no longer a part of a safe, sane and consensual relationship.

Communication is the key to a true consensual relationship. The desire to please your partner can be very strong, and even convince you to do things you are truly not comfortable doing for fear of disappointing. If your partner introduces something that you have valid reasons for not wanting to participate in, you need to communicate this to them. It is not fair to either of you if the other hides true feelings about something. Somewhere, sometime, it will backfire and the consequences will be much harder to fix. Your limits and consensuality go hand in hand....one needs to be respected for the other to exist.

Some of my own limits include blindfolds, bondage and role-play. Two are negotiable, the one is not. I am not a fan of role-play and do not enjoy myself when the scene is "prearranged" with characters or misdeeds that I did not do. However, with the right person, this 'limit' is negotiable. Bondage also falls in this category. With a partner that really takes the time to get to know me and has discussed my reasons with me, bondage is something I've recently discovered that I can enjoy. However, it could very easily lead me to a negative headspace if I don't communicate with my partner on my feelings. Blindfolds are a very strong limit for me, and no one will put me in a position where I have to deal with the negative emotions associated with blindfolds or other forms of sight inhibition. If I don't communicate this to my partner, he will have no way of knowing these limits. Some limits are meant to be pushed, but your consent and comfort level are essential.

Never assume your partner knows how you feel, what you think, or what you want. Body language can be extremely misleading, and last I checked, our feelings were not closed captioned across our foreheads. Communication is the key to consensuality.

 

[serijules]

red's comment made me think of another point of view. I'm going to add a bit more to this thread and my above comment by pasting another bit from an essay on cyber relationships, since I do feel they hold a value all of their own, and communication is a vital part of them as well.

Honesty and Communication

A true cyber relationship can not be beneficial or rewarding without communication and honesty. It is very easy to hide behind the screen and be who you want to be rather than who you truly are. People that are normally shy can be bold and outgoing, married men or woman can suddenly be single again, or someone with a handicap can make it "go away"...with an online persona. Some who has never been spanked, or never spanked, can convince themselves they love it without ever even finding out for real. For some, it is an escape route that is just too convenient to give up. In the end, the only people they will be fooling is themselves.

<snip>

The screen can serve as a shield; sometimes it is much easier to share your thoughts and spill your heart out online than it is in person. If things get too awkward, you can just log off and pretend it never happened, or cover it up as a joke or teasing. You can't see the reaction of the other person so it is easier to block out the fact that the reaction to what you just shared might be negative. I am much more comfortable sharing my thoughts and feelings online than I am in person sometimes. It takes a bit more coaxing for me to share as much when I have body language to judge from.

It is easier to say "I want this" or "I need this" behind the screen, so in some ways, communication skills are often enhanced from cyber. You learn how to judge what another person says without the aide of body language. Some people learn to be more tolerant, more patient, more accepting. They learn to pick and choose words more carefully to better get their meaning across in the tone it was intended.

Communication between two people involved in a cyber relationship is the key to it's success. In real time, a sad look, tears, withdrawn attitude...are all indications that something is wrong. Your partner will likely pick up on these subtle hints and try to work it out with you. Online, these hints are nonexistent unless the person is willing to openly type out the words that say "I need attention" or whatever the case may be. You expose more of yourself online to make up for that lack of body language, and sometimes that can be unnerving.

I've seen many cyber relationships fall apart because one or the other, or sometimes even both, refused to open themselves up like that and communicate. A dominant in an online domestic discipline relationship has no way to know if his sub breaks a rule unless she tells him, and it would be very easy to just lie her way out of a punishment. That would not only be ignoring her vows of honesty and communication, but it would be a large show of disrespect for him, and non-beneficial to her. Without honesty and communications, the reality of cyber relationships is nothing more than a failed fantasy.

 

[Ebonyfire]

EXCELLENT post zipman, and a very important issues.

I wrote an essay awhile back on safe, sane consensual play, and the importance of communication. I'm going to paste the part about communication and it's place in the "SSC" lifestyle. Some of this mirror's zipman's comments too.

(yes, this is called 'cheating-so-I-won't-have-to-retype-my-opinion'...spank me )

Communication and Consent

Communication is a two way street that meets in the middle. Sounds like a road to disaster, doesn't it?

I have seen many people hurt and disappointed by something I can only describe as a lack of communication. If you are not comfortable enough with someone you are playing with to communicate and share with them, then you are not in a safe situation. No definition, no desire, is the same in any two people. What is erotic to one person is disgusting to the next. What means NO to one may mean PLEASE MORE to another.

I have seen so many submissives and bottoms that assume their Tops are mind readers. They want something and push and push to get a reaction, and then are upset when the reaction isn't there or isn't what they wanted. I can only imagine how bewildered and turned off the Top must be by this behavior.

Simply put, none of us are mind readers, and it is essential to sane play that we ALL remember this and treat our partners accordingly. From the very first meeting, communication needs to be the center focus. Even the most experienced Top is not going to pick up on your needs and desires unless you are willing to open up and share that with them. A relationship where communication is a constant companion, is a relationship that is going to float when others around are sinking. No matter how much two people get to know one another, there is always something to learn, new territory to explore. The moment you stop communicating is the moment that you are no longer a part of a safe, sane and consensual relationship.

Communication is the key to a true consensual relationship. The desire to please your partner can be very strong, and even convince you to do things you are truly not comfortable doing for fear of disappointing. If your partner introduces something that you have valid reasons for not wanting to participate in, you need to communicate this to them. It is not fair to either of you if the other hides true feelings about something. Somewhere, sometime, it will backfire and the consequences will be much harder to fix. Your limits and consensuality go hand in hand....one needs to be respected for the other to exist.

Some of my own limits include blindfolds, bondage and role-play. Two are negotiable, the one is not. I am not a fan of role-play and do not enjoy myself when the scene is "prearranged" with characters or misdeeds that I did not do. However, with the right person, this 'limit' is negotiable. Bondage also falls in this category. With a partner that really takes the time to get to know me and has discussed my reasons with me, bondage is something I've recently discovered that I can enjoy. However, it could very easily lead me to a negative headspace if I don't communicate with my partner on my feelings. Blindfolds are a very strong limit for me, and no one will put me in a position where I have to deal with the negative emotions associated with blindfolds or other forms of sight inhibition. If I don't communicate this to my partner, he will have no way of knowing these limits. Some limits are meant to be pushed, but your consent and comfort level are essential.

Never assume your partner knows how you feel, what you think, or what you want. Body language can be extremely misleading, and last I checked, our feelings were not closed captioned across our foreheads. Communication is the key to consensuality.

There is no such thing as cheating, recycling is wise unless you want carpal tunnel syndrome.

Eb

 

[Ebonyfire]

Great thread!

Zipman you have done it again!

Eb

 

[Desdemona]

This is a great thread. Thanks for starting it. I believe open communication is absolutely essential to any relationship and something we all should strive to achieve.
However, there may be impediments to this ideal and some people have to be taught or reminded to communicate. It isn't always easy. People have all sorts of defenses; most of us have built protective walls for a variety of reasons. We aren't always aware that the walls actually exist until someone comes along and pokes a hole in the wall. Some learned dysfunctional communication patterns at their parents' knees.

Because of these walls, sometimes one partner will have to work a bit harder to get the other partner to open up. A wise woman (Eb) told me recently that this is a part of developing trust and open lines of communication in this sort of situation.

 

[Ebonyfire]

The value of written communication

There are sometimes cultural or ethnic impediments to effective verbal communication.

I think that the use of a submissive's journal o san excellent tool for a submissive to formalize his/her thoughts for the dominant to read and use as a tool for face to face communications.

It is especially effective if it is known beforehand that whatever is written is a no punish offense. The idea is to get the sub to discuss the good, the bad, and the ugly in the relationship, without the sword of punishment haning overhead.

Ebony

 

[serijules]

Re: The value of written communication

There are sometimes cultural or ethnic impediments to effective verbal communication.

I think that the use of a submissive's journal o san excellent tool for a submissive to formalize his/her thoughts for the dominant to read and use as a tool for face to face communications.

It is especially effective if it is known beforehand that whatever is written is a no punish offense. The idea is to get the sub to discuss the good, the bad, and the ugly in the relationship, without the sword of punishment haning overhead.

Ebony

I really agree with this. In a past relationship, I had to keep a journal, and it turned out to be the ONLY time he devoted the attention to me that I deserved, so the relationship didn't last....but I learned so much about myself and the importance of communication, and that has forever benefitted me. Now, I keep a journal on my own account, and often use it to 'save' posts from message forums or elaborate on a subject to look back on later, and be able to see my own growth and remind myself of important lessons. It also serves as a great way for people to get to know me on a deeper level, if such an opportunity presents itself.

Being able to voice those thoughts without fear of redicule or punishment is vital too, as Eb said. On a forum, there is always the chance of redicule...so a journal is a bit more private, safer way to communicate...with your partner AND yourself.

 

[redelicious]

Serijules-

Your post on Honesty and Communication ought to be required reading for anyone considering a o/l LDR.

Thank you.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Zip, Eb, Des.....

fuck you. Fuck you all....

Was that effective? LMAO.

You know I love you guys. ~smiling~ Just lightening things up a bit.

 

[Desdemona]

Re: Zip, Eb, Des.....

fuck you. Fuck you all....

Was that effective? LMAO.

You know I love you guys. ~smiling~ Just lightening things up a bit.

You know I want a first.

 

[A Desert Rose]

SWAK

for you Dessie......

Good to see you, pal.

 

[zipman]

Re: Your posts

Thank you all for contibuting to this thread. I was inspired to do it because of a recent communication issue I had. Your posts have all helped move this thread forward.

Red - Great helpful idea for those in online relationships. I'm sure that can help a lot!

Serijules - Amazing posts!! I'm glad you were able to cut and paste them. The value of communicating within the BDSM world is incredibly strong. Often times, a subs' "limit" is negotiable. Perhaps there is one aspect to it that she doesn't like. She may just say it's a limit rather than explaining exactly what it is about the activity it is that is bothering her. And I'm sure that the post about online communication will be most helpful to anyone in an LDR.

Des - Your post on learning dysfunctional communication is right on the money! I grew up in a house where screaming and yelling was the norm. It was just how my parents communicated. I had to learn all new communication behaviors before I could have successful and rewarding relationships. This is often not easy to do.

Eb - Great perspective! I think people assume everyone has the same communication style that they do. It is important to realize that for some people, culture and ethnicity do indeed come into play. The idea of a journal is a great one, as serijules confirmed. I would imagine it would be helpful in any relationship. And I strongly agree with you about nothing in it could be cause for punsihment!

Thanks you guys! How about the rest of you BDSM'ers. Tips, stories, questions, they are all welcome here!

 

[zipman]

Re: Zip, Eb, Des.....

fuck you. Fuck you all....

Was that effective? LMAO.

You know I love you guys. ~smiling~ Just lightening things up a bit.

Ah Rose. I just checked and it seems as though you missed one of the tips. You did not set any context for the "fuck you"

Perhaps if you had written, "After reading this thread and thinking about what each of you has written, I just want to say"fuck you." Now THAT would be effective!

 

[MissTaken]

Wow!

Excellent thread and I found it just after posting about communication on the GB. Karma, Kismet, fate, or dumb luck!



Obstacles to communication based upon my own experience and opinion:

~A fear that your needs, thoughts or feelings will be ridiculed. This occurs in all types of relationships, not just intimate relationships. Have you ever had a great idea on the job and not suggested it to your supervisor? Then, to find that someone else came up with the idea?

~Self confidence in your ability to communicate clearly. There have been times when in a tough situation, I have actually rehearsed what I needed to say. Journalling or e mails can be helpful in this respect because you can always edit before sending.

~Fear of backlash: IF I say, "I need this...." The implication is that I am not getting what I need. If that implication gives the listener cause to feel defensive, he or she may come bck with , "Well, you never..." or "I need this and you are failing..."

~Image: Sometimes, I find myself not voicing my needs or my weaknesses out of fear that someone will recognize that I am vulnerable. It can be difficult to show your weak underbelly and trust that it will remain in tact. We are all vulnerable. We all have needs. Remembering that would do us all well, but isn't easy.

~admitting error: This really sucks in any relatinship. Who wants to admit to making a mistake? Well, it takes many life lessons to learn that admitting your mistakes puts them in a workable position. If you tell your boss you fucked up, he is less likely to be angry when someone else points it out and will definitely work with you to ameliorate the situation. He may chew you out in the process, but he is the boss

~In terms of SSC: I know as subs, we often want so much to please our partner that we may give consent for something we aren't ready for or hesitate to use a safe word. If you dont' feel comfortable using the safe word or communicating with your Dom where a limit may be, you need to take a close look at the relationship and the level of trust involved. It doesn't mean this isn't the One for you, it does mean the relationship needs some tweaking.

As an individual, as a woman and as a supervisor, I dont' like surprises. Communication will help to avoid those surprises.

Ummm when I think of more, I will return.

 

[zipman]

Please do come back

These are all awesome reasons why people don't communicate. I think you really nailed a lot of the classic reasons!

Thanks again MissT!

 

[Desdemona]

Re: Re: Your posts

Des - Your post on learning dysfunctional communication is right on the money! I grew up in a house where screaming and yelling was the norm. It was just how my parents communicated. I had to learn all new communication behaviors before I could have successful and rewarding relationships. This is often not easy to do.

Thanks Zip... now, think about this. You grew up where screaming and yelling was the norm. What if your partner grew up with the opposite.... where nothing was talked about and the response to problems was to withdraw. You want to yell and have her yell in return yet she is shrinking away. Both your dysfunctional patterns are pushing each other's buttons. That makes communication even more complicated.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Re: Re: Zip, Eb, Des.....

Ah Rose. I just checked and it seems as though you missed one of the tips. You did not set any context for the "fuck you"

Perhaps if you had written, "After reading this thread and thinking about what each of you has written, I just want to say"fuck you." Now THAT would be effective!

hehehe...... you be a funny fella. ~smiling~

 

[zipman]

Re: Re: Re: Your posts

Des - Your post on learning dysfunctional communication is right on the money! I grew up in a house where screaming and yelling was the norm. It was just how my parents communicated. I had to learn all new communication behaviors before I could have successful and rewarding relationships. This is often not easy to do.

Thanks Zip... now, think about this. You grew up where screaming and yelling was the norm. What if your partner grew up with the opposite.... where nothing was talked about and the response to problems was to withdraw. You want to yell and have her yell in return yet she is shrinking away. Both your dysfunctional patterns are pushing each other's buttons. That makes communication even more complicated.

You're absolutely right. Personally, I hate yelling and never, ever raise my voice. And while I am very comfortable with direct communication, most of the women I have dated have not been. This is very frustrating for me as I am very patient and never lose my temper or get upset if someone wants to discuss something.

Thanks aain Des, another great addition to the thread.

 

[MissTaken]

Re: Please do come back

These are all awesome reasons why people don't communicate. I think you really nailed a lot of the classic reasons!

Thanks again MissT!

It must be the cold medicine that is making me so wordy.

Now, we are getting into a discussion concerning communication in the GB with respect to infidelity.

I wanted to cut and paste your original post there, z man. However, I will leave it to you if you so desire

 

[Desdemona]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Your posts

You're absolutely right. Personally, I hate yelling and never, ever raise my voice. And while I am very comfortable with direct communication, most of the women I have dated have not been. This is very frustrating for me as I am very patient and never lose my temper or get upset if someone wants to discuss something.

Thanks aain Des, another great addition to the thread.

I can see how that would be frustrating. Especially if you sense there is a problem and try to get her to talk and she tells you that everything is "fine" and that "nothing" is wrong. I'm sure we've all seen that communication pattern before. Can you say passive-aggressive?

 

[Aurora_s_Flame]

Thank you for the well needed Thread...

Communication is always a very key and often neglected part of any relation, be it BDSM or otherwise. Often the biggest problems wouldn't be problems at all if the people involved were able to communicate their thoughts or feelings. Communication is extremely important when in the blossoming start of a new relationship, but often the troubles lie when further down the line that contact becomes forgotten or blurred. People change and grow, and thus relationships change and grow. Without finding out the limits, desires, needs, wants, hopes and dreams of your Dom/me, sub or partner of any means, its impossible to hope for the relationship to succeed, never mind meet its fullest potential.

~ Rora

 

[zipman]

Re: Thank you for the well needed Thread...

Communication is always a very key and often neglected part of any relation, be it BDSM or otherwise. Often the biggest problems wouldn't be problems at all if the people involved were able to communicate their thoughts or feelings. Communication is extremely important when in the blossoming start of a new relationship, but often the troubles lie when further down the line that contact becomes forgotten or blurred. People change and grow, and thus relationships change and grow. Without finding out the limits, desires, needs, wants, hopes and dreams of your Dom/me, sub or partner of any means, its impossible to hope for the relationship to succeed, never mind meet its fullest potential.

~ Rora

Absolutely! Communication is critical to redefining relationships. Often, when we are with someone for a long time, we take things for granted because since we know the person so well we assume we know how they will think or respond. Limits may change and pereferences may change.

Communication needs to be a part of the continued health and growth of a relationship.

Thanks again ~Rora - great post!

 

[MissTaken]

I used to clam up when angry or upset.

It was a key element to the demise of my "never should have happened" marriage.

I have learned in many arenas of my life to communicate clearly.

I still struggle sometimes with the thought that rejection could be the result of communication, but in that case, it is as it should be.

My head says one thing.
My heart trembles in fear.