Communication

[zipman]

Life is a learning experience, the only people not capable of learning something new are dead people and people who have not been born yet.

It all depends if you are open to the experience, cause sometimes knowledge is painful.
Eb

This is a great comment Eb. Introspection can indeed be painful, and to many people, ignorance is bliss.

But when a person is open to learning more about themselves, and when they can truly look inside themselves and be objective, that is when the best learning can occur. It may be painful, but it can also change your life.

 

[Desdemona]

This is a great comment Eb. Introspection can indeed be painful, and to many people, ignorance is bliss.

But when a person is open to learning more about themselves, and when they can truly look inside themselves and be objective, that is when the best learning can occur. It may be painful, but it can also change your life.

Someone once told me this and I've found it to be true. Change only occurs when the pain of where you are exceeds the fear of where you need to go.

You may now resume your regularly scheduled discussion of the thread topic. I'm done with my hijack.

 

[zipman]

Someone once told me this and I've found it to be true. Change only occurs when the pain of where you are exceeds the fear of where you need to go.

You may now resume your regularly scheduled discussion of the thread topic. I'm done with my hijack.

That wasn't a hijack, and it was a valuable insight Des! I think Change and Communication often go hand in hand in relationships, especially BDSM ones. Because once you do change, you do need to discuss the implications of that change on your partner.

Thanks for sharing!

 

[Little Girl]

This is a great comment Eb. Introspection can indeed be painful, and to many people, ignorance is bliss.

But when a person is open to learning more about themselves, and when they can truly look inside themselves and be objective, that is when the best learning can occur. It may be painful, but it can also change your life.

You are so right Zipman, only when I stopped trying to hide from my fears and face them head on was I able to understand more about myself.

It took me almost 20 years to stop the insanity that was my life and let go of the baggage of a lifetime ago. Through that process I was able to not only like myself but love myself and be proud of the person I was. I am still learning, but with an open mind everyday is a new discovery and I am enjoying it so much.

 

[zipman]

You are so right Zipman, only when I stopped trying to hide from my fears and face them head on was I able to understand more about myself.

It took me almost 20 years to stop the insanity that was my life and let go of the baggage of a lifetime ago. Through that process I was able to not only like myself but love myself and be proud of the person I was. I am still learning, but with an open mind everyday is a new discovery and I am enjoying it so much.

Thanks Little Girl and what a wonderful post. I too, struggled greatly when I was younger, and I was able to turn my life around in many ways due to introspection and then doing something about what I discovered about myself.

Glad to see that you are still learning too. Some people have a breakthrough and then go, okay, I'm fixed, now I don't have to do any more of that painful introspection stuff.

Learning is one of the things that makes life worth the living!

Good to see you back and posting Little Girl

 

[Desdemona]

That wasn't a hijack, and it was a valuable insight Des! I think Change and Communication often go hand in hand in relationships, especially BDSM ones. Because once you do change, you do need to discuss the implications of that change on your partner.

Thanks for sharing!

You're right, of course. And, if you don't or can't discuss those implications, the relationship is doomed. I know this from painful personal experience.

 

[~Dream~]

re;Des

Someone once told me this and I've found it to be true. Change only occurs when the pain of where you are exceeds the fear of where you need to go.

You may now resume your regularly scheduled discussion of the thread topic. I'm done with my hijack.

________________________
Ty for the pm Sis 1st of all , I think it was MY fear of change that causedme to Lose artful,*sigh*

 

[evesdream]

some questions for everyone

How can you tell if someone is listening to you?

How do you show that you are listening?

How do you usually interpret silences?

 

[zipman]

Re: some questions for everyone

How can you tell if someone is listening to you?

How do you show that you are listening?

How do you usually interpret silences?

Hello evesdream and welcome to the forum!

Those are all good questions and the answers are somewhat more difficult.

First, I think it might be helpful to briefly discuss the difference between hearing and listening.

I like to describe "Hearing" as the reception of sound by the ear. Listening is the processing of sounds into words and then a response is given.

How can you tell if someone is listening to you?

You can see that they "hear" you when they acknowledge what you are saying by nodding, or saying hmmm, or I see, or a variety of other ways. They can show that they are "listening" when they respond to what you are saying by asking a question or making a statement "based on" what you just said.

How do you show that you are listening?

By maintaining eye contact, and doing the type of behavior described above.

How do you usually interpret silences?

Silences are very dependent on the specific situation and the individuals involved in the conversation. Some silences feel uncomfortable and others feel perfectly normal. Silence also refers to the absence of sound, but communication can still occur through body language, gestures, facial expressions and a variety of other ways.

Just some preliminary thoughts.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Growth is painful

Remember growing pains? I have a 1 year old grandson and he is getting them from time to time.

Yes, growth is painful. It is painful in a physical sense and it can be even more painful in an emotional sense.

What does this have to do with communication? Think of it, when doesn't communication have something to do with growth?

As we learn and grow, we either learn to communicate better or we stay the same and just muddle through.

We may be in relationships that just do not fit anymore. How we communicate our changing needs to our partners be they Dom/me or sub, husband or wife, SO or causal fuckbuddy, will determine if these relationships grow and flourish or wither and die.

Eb

 

[MissTaken]

Re: some questions for everyone

How can you tell if someone is listening to you?

How do you show that you are listening?

How do you usually interpret silences?

I know someone is listening to me by their body language. The harsher test is o they remember the things we have discussed later? Whether it is a preference, a wish, an opinion, if I find that I need to repeat myself to often, then there must exist an obstacle in the communication.

I show I am listening by stopping what I am doing, making eye contact, paying careful attention and remembering what has been said.

Silences. They can be full of silent communication or they can mean communication is withering. Silences that are comfortable and full of "sharing" between individuals can be an indicator of strenght in the relationship.

ON the other hand, silence can be a tool used to enhance communication. A trick I use when doing training for large groups of people is to ask a question. Now, innately, we want the conversation to move forward and will move it forward if there is no response. Wait for a response. Let the silence become pregnant with your desire for an answer. IT will come. Even though you get a hinky feeling at the back of your neck as you want to push things along. This tool works well when communicating with a friend or loved one. Use silence to your advantage.

 

[Little Girl]

MissT I must agree

My head is going to tell you that if you clearly state your needs and then, find yourself alone, the relationship wasn't what you thought it was.

Then, there is always a little piece that wants to say, "Nanny nanny boo boo you weren't good enough."

That little voice needs a ball gag!

I have that little voice that tells me all the time that I should not even try because I will fail, I should just sit down, shut up and color...... I haven't found the ball gag that will work on it, but I have found an ignore button that seems to help...

I have spent alot of time understanding what drives my little voice and have been working to heal the wounds that brought her about by learning everyday to love myself. Communication is so important in any relationship (parent/child, friends, siblings, work) every relationship to be successful must have communication, but I believe in a BDSM relationship the level of communication must be higher and the importance of effective communication is much more important.

 

[TheWanderer]

I used to clam up when angry or upset.
It was a key element to the demise of my "never should have happened" marriage.
I have learned in many arenas of my life to communicate clearly.
I still struggle sometimes with the thought that rejection could be the result of communication, but in that case, it is as it should be.
My head says one thing.
My heart trembles in fear.

For me, coming from a long line of angry, quick-tempered people, it took two things for me to learn how to communicate well when pressured.

1 - Patience. Not just in having the patience to resolve the problem, but in the time to make sure the other person understood the whys and hows of the situation, then listening to their side of the issue.

2 - Self-Awareness. Searching myself to discover the root of why (xxx) makes me furious, or why all it took was (xxx) to make me want to be cruel with my words. Finding the roots of the problems, be it insecurity or fear or habit, led to letting go of the anger.

I know its different for everyone, but this was one of my biggest personal victories, especially since it also led to ending of 10+ years of manic depression!

 

[cellis]

What a wonderful thread Zip.

I don't know how I missed it the first time around.

Communication is an important issue whether you have a R/L or LDR relationship.

 

[evesdream]

Re: Growth is painful

I thought i was the only one who used "growing pains" to describe other types of growing up.

Remember growing pains? I have a 1 year old grandson and he is getting them from time to time.

Yes, growth is painful. It is painful in a physical sense and it can be even more painful in an emotional sense.

What does this have to do with communication? Think of it, when doesn't communication have something to do with growth?

As we learn and grow, we either learn to communicate better or we stay the same and just muddle through.

We may be in relationships that just do not fit anymore. How we communicate our changing needs to our partners be they Dom/me or sub, husband or wife, SO or causal fuckbuddy, will determine if these relationships grow and flourish or wither and die.

Eb

 

[evesdream]

Hi Zipman- good to meet you.

MissTaken, I'm taking your use of group silences to the bank.

I love intimate silences, but when it gets to be a bit much I know that if the tongue doesn't do it then the mind typically _clamours_ to fill that void. To take both of your points a little further I suppose that it's also helpful to refrain from too hasty an interpretation of silences....which i *think* brings us back to that ballgag for the groundless thoughts. Luverly metaphor

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: Growth is painful

I thought i was the only one who used "growing pains" to describe other types of growing up.

Nope, it just seemed an apt analogy.

Eb

 

[zipman]

Hi Zipman- good to meet you.

MissTaken, I'm taking your use of group silences to the bank.

I love intimate silences, but when it gets to be a bit much I know that if the tongue doesn't do it then the mind typically _clamours_ to fill that void. To take both of your points a little further I suppose that it's also helpful to refrain from too hasty an interpretation of silences....which i *think* brings us back to that ballgag for the groundless thoughts. Luverly metaphor

Personally, silence can communicate volumes, especially during a "scene" when the silence combined with a look can say a lot more than words can.

How do you all think silence can be used as an effective from of communication?

What are the dangers in using silence to communicate?

 

[Ebonyfire]

Personally, silence can communicate volumes, especially during a "scene" when the silence combined with a look can say a lot more than words can.

How do you all think silence can be used as an effective from of communication?

What are the dangers in using silence to communicate?

I use silence all the time within a framework of sensory deprivation. Now understand, I know my sub very well, and therefore I can observe him closely. However, he does have hand signals that he uses to convey to Me information. I also ask him to use them at various times so that I know he is ok.

Also, I do not let sensory deprivation scenes last longer than one hour, and most of the time they are 20 - 30 minutes.

Ebony

 

[zipman]

I use silence all the time within a framework of sensory deprivation. Now understand, I know my sub very well, and therefore I can observe him closely. However, he does have hand signals that he uses to convey to Me information. I also ask him to use them at various times so that I know he is ok.

Also, I do not let sensory deprivation scenes last longer than one hour, and most of the time they are 20 - 30 minutes.

Ebony

Thanks Eb. I think you should start a thread on sensory deprivation as I don't recall anyone doing it. I would love to learn more about it.

I usually use silence to convey displeasure, to let a sub struggle with needing to hear my voice during a scene and not giving it.

Silence and a furrowed brow can convey that I am not happy better than most words can.

 

[zipman]

Another great topic!


Bump

 

[Ebonyfire]

Still good, Bump!

 

[Ebonyfire]

Sub training and communication

For the first time, I am training a male sub who likes to talk more than I do. It is an interesting experience cause I have had to Learn to curb the urge to talk more. Now I find that if I am still and just let him talk, I get most of the information I want to know.

Then, I can ask questions on the things he has volunteered, and it just makes My work more easy.

However with my shy boys, it is another story. Over time, I have found them to be a lot more chatty. Perhaps it is because that with trust comes an openness that even carries over into speech.

 

[serijules]

I can relate to that Eb, I am VERY shy at first, and it takes a lot to get me to open up...which isn't benficial to communication. But an intense fear of rejection holds me back. But after I am comfortable with someone, I just naturally overcome that barrier and am a lot more open and communicative.

 

[Ebonyfire]

But an intense fear of rejection holds me back

I have a new boy, and he said the exact same words to me last night when we were discussing his past D/s relationships.

You are definitely not alone.