Communicating desires as a sub

[voo]

This is something with which I have trouble. How do I, as a submissive, let my Master know that I want to play? Lately, I just ask "Can we play later?" but that feels slightly pushy. Not to mention that when I get what I want, it's not as sweet as it would have been if playing had just been imposed upon me.

My Master likes to play less often than I do. Mostly, I think, because it is a lot of work and effort for him to care for me properly and instruct me on every little thing. Giving over control completely is a relief and a delight for me; any work or effort involved serves only to thrill me more, not wear me out. If I could, I'd play as close to 24/7 as possible.

So, how can I communicate to my Master that I want to play without initiating the scene and thereby ruining the Dominant-slave mood?

Thoughts?

voo

 

[graceanne]

Sounds like you've tied your hands pretty good, since you aren't comfortable with open communication. All I can think is that if your master doesn't like to play cause it's a lot of work I'd spend a day making sure he gets as much rest, and has as little to do, as possible. Then he wouldn't be as tired, and would hopefully be more willing to initiate play.

 

[voo]

Sounds like you've tied your hands pretty good, since you aren't comfortable with open communication. All I can think is that if your master doesn't like to play cause it's a lot of work I'd spend a day making sure he gets as much rest, and has as little to do, as possible. Then he wouldn't be as tired, and would hopefully be more willing to initiate play.

Oh, no, no, no...I'm *very comfortable with open communication. We talk everything out, my Master and I.

But I feel like, as a sub, I shouldn't be asking for things. I don't know, it's a weird feeling but asking for things instead of just getting them takes some of the sparkle off. Does that make more sense?

 

[graceanne]

Oh, no, no, no...I'm *very comfortable with open communication. We talk everything out, my Master and I.

But I feel like, as a sub, I shouldn't be asking for things. I don't know, it's a weird feeling but asking for things instead of just getting them takes some of the sparkle off. Does that make more sense?

I agree - but maybe he thinks that too. Maybe it makes him feel wanted when you ask to play.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

It's wonderful that you see this sort of thing as "play" and find such joy and excitement in it. But like libidos, two people rarely have exactly matching "play cycles". You learn to adjust and react to one another, it's a matter of finding some balance between the two of you. And that requires open, honest communication.

Please understand that what follows is not a criticism, but some things to make you think, material for your consideration, information to digest. Use what works for you and him, discard the rest.

YOU cannot make him want to play more. You can do things to encourage his desire, you can provide conditions that are conducive to the play you desire, you can ask him for more play, etc. But what he wants is internally generated (though it can be influenced by outside sources) and he has the final say in what he does, or doesn't, actually do. If he wants to play but doesn't, he may have decided to make you wait to help you build patience. If he doesn't want to play, but does anyway, he may have decided that he needs to do something for you to meet some of your needs and desires. What he wants does not necessarily determine what he actually does...

And please keep this in mind, voo. Being human, if he has an ounce of empathy and concern for you, Dominant or not, he will want to do things that please you and make you happy and fulfill your needs and desires. Helloooo... if we don't take care of our property, it will break down and stop working for us... Any Master or Mistress worth a damn knows this. Slaves require maintenance just like a pet, car or other tool. We WANT our tools in good shape and ready to use, so responsible Owners take good care of them!

He is not a mind reader. So the only way he is going to know what your needs and desires are will be if you communicate those needs and desires to him. You need to stop trying to get him to feed your fantasy, you need to start trying to live with his reality.

There seems to be a disconnect between the expectations of your fantasy (him ravishing you roughly without warning or notice whenever you feel horny), and the realities of dealing with a working, living, flesh and blood human being. As a sub, while you need to have needs met, desires might get pushed to the back or re-prioritized, as your focus and priorities should be on meeting his needs, your own needs (if your needs are not met, you won't be able to meed his needs or desires for long), his desires,and finally your own desires. Owner takes precedence. To me it seems that you're putting your desires first here.

Again, just some food for thought, not a criticism at all. No one starts out in this lifestyle knowing everything about it, and the reality is that no matter how long we've been doing it, we learn something new about ourself or our partner or how to do things every day. The real challenge comes from turning the now and then fantasy into a living, breathing, working 24/7 relationship or lifestyle. Because we are dealing with people, who don't come in tidy, pre-defined boxes and roles. We're messy, amorphous and change with the tides.

Best of luck to you and yours!

 

[serijules]

It is hard to ask to "play" and there are were many times I wished we could play but Ma'am doesn't initiate it, so I don't ask because like you said, it felt pushy or like I was only considering my own desires.

This has been solved in a very easy way. I present my readiness and willingness (although neither one matters whatsoever if SHE'S the one that decides she wants to beat me or fuck me) by asking if there is any way I can serve her. I usually do this on my knees and phrase the comment not in a "i want" manner but in a "how can I serve you" manner. Seeing me on my knees in a very submissive mode phrasing something in a respectful, serving manner often spurs her desire to do something with me and if she really is not in the mood, she gives me some other way to serve her and be in that submissive mindset that doesn't require so much work on her part. Win win situation.

 

[TooTiredToLive]

This is something with which I have trouble. How do I, as a submissive, let my Master know that I want to play? Lately, I just ask "Can we play later?" but that feels slightly pushy. Not to mention that when I get what I want, it's not as sweet as it would have been if playing had just been imposed upon me.

My Master likes to play less often than I do. Mostly, I think, because it is a lot of work and effort for him to care for me properly and instruct me on every little thing. Giving over control completely is a relief and a delight for me; any work or effort involved serves only to thrill me more, not wear me out. If I could, I'd play as close to 24/7 as possible.

So, how can I communicate to my Master that I want to play without initiating the scene and thereby ruining the Dominant-slave mood?

Thoughts?

voo

I emphasized the first two sentences of your second paragraph because it struck a nerve with me... perhaps.

Would you feel comfortable describing the "work and effort for him" involved? If that description matches or is similar to what is in my mind, I may have a suggestion that would (a) reduce, at least to some degree, the "work and effort for him," (b) communicate to him that you are willing/wanting/eager to play without actually initiating it, and (c) perhaps resolve the issue in a manner that gives both of you what you want - the classic "win-win" scenario.

 

[SweetErika]

Oh, no, no, no...I'm *very comfortable with open communication. We talk everything out, my Master and I.

But I feel like, as a sub, I shouldn't be asking for things. I don't know, it's a weird feeling but asking for things instead of just getting them takes some of the sparkle off. Does that make more sense?

How does HE feel about you asking for things in a respectful way?

I ask because he may very well think it's an integral part of serving him. I see it as my sub's job to ask for what they want/need, and my job is to grant or deny them those things. Little gets me more irritated than my sub not communicating his needs, instead opting to wait until the pressure builds and it becomes a problem, as opposed to something that could have been easily given or rectified. And that is definitely not part of serving me well!

I'm intuitive, but I'm not a mind reader, and your Master probably isn't either. Trying to figure out what people need/want can be exhausting, which isn't conducive to play.

Instead of seeing presenting your needs as reducing some of the excitement, you could view it as another way to be submissive and of service, and revel in the idea that your Master can grant or deny your needs at any time, for any reason. Or, find a similarly positive perspective.

I'd suggest talking about all of this, asking for his thoughts, and coming up with solutions that will make it easier on him. For example, he could have you prepare everything, or research and share scene ideas/activities. Ask him if he'd like you to be fairly specific in describing your desires - it takes a lot of energy to deal with an "I want something, but I don't know what" sub, so being descriptive might get his creative juices going.

Relationships, no matter what flavor they are, take a lot of work from everyone involved. Perhaps that's stating the obvious, but I think it can be easy to forget when someone's formally in charge. Many have a fantastic notion of the Dominant knowing and planning just about everything, but that's not realistic/practical in most cases.

 

[BiBunny]

It is hard to ask to "play" and there are were many times I wished we could play but Ma'am doesn't initiate it, so I don't ask because like you said, it felt pushy or like I was only considering my own desires.

This has been solved in a very easy way. I present my readiness and willingness (although neither one matters whatsoever if SHE'S the one that decides she wants to beat me or fuck me) by asking if there is any way I can serve her. I usually do this on my knees and phrase the comment not in a "i want" manner but in a "how can I serve you" manner. Seeing me on my knees in a very submissive mode phrasing something in a respectful, serving manner often spurs her desire to do something with me and if she really is not in the mood, she gives me some other way to serve her and be in that submissive mindset that doesn't require so much work on her part. Win win situation.

I like this approach! It takes the pressure off of both parties, I bet.

 

[voo]

This has been solved in a very easy way. I present my readiness and willingness (although neither one matters whatsoever if SHE'S the one that decides she wants to beat me or fuck me) by asking if there is any way I can serve her. I usually do this on my knees and phrase the comment not in a "i want" manner but in a "how can I serve you" manner. Seeing me on my knees in a very submissive mode phrasing something in a respectful, serving manner often spurs her desire to do something with me and if she really is not in the mood, she gives me some other way to serve her and be in that submissive mindset that doesn't require so much work on her part. Win win situation.

A VERY good idea. Thank you.


And thank you to the rest of you who gave me advice. I really appreciate the helpful nature of it all.

For the record, I don't want to be "roughly ravished" at a moment's notice whenever I myself feel horny. For one, I'm horny all the time. *grin* For two, what I want is to serve my Master and please him, and I feel like I'm not getting to do that when he doesn't let me know if/what he wants. I worry that he's not being served properly, that I'm missing some cue that I should be picking up. It's complicated, the D/s relationship, as you all well know. Master and I have been together for almost 2 years now, and we just moved in together a few months back, so we're still ironing out the ins and outs of the new situation.

Anyway, thank you all. *bow*

voo

 

[Blushing Bottom]

Sterling response.

You are a submissive to be reckoned with.

It is hard to ask to "play" and there are were many times I wished we could play but Ma'am doesn't initiate it, so I don't ask because like you said, it felt pushy or like I was only considering my own desires.

This has been solved in a very easy way. I present my readiness and willingness (although neither one matters whatsoever if SHE'S the one that decides she wants to beat me or fuck me) by asking if there is any way I can serve her. I usually do this on my knees and phrase the comment not in a "i want" manner but in a "how can I serve you" manner. Seeing me on my knees in a very submissive mode phrasing something in a respectful, serving manner often spurs her desire to do something with me and if she really is not in the mood, she gives me some other way to serve her and be in that submissive mindset that doesn't require so much work on her part. Win win situation.

 

[serijules]

Sterling response.

You are a submissive to be reckoned with.

Thank you for such a nice comment

 

[Ebonyfire]

Helloooo... if we don't take care of our property, it will break down and stop working for us... Any Master or Mistress worth a damn knows this. Slaves require maintenance just like a pet, car or other tool. We WANT our tools in good shape and ready to use, so responsible Owners take good care of them!

And that's the name of that tune!

Eb [Operating at 75% capacity]

 

[Life_Noir]

This is something with which I have trouble. How do I, as a submissive, let my Master know that I want to play? Lately, I just ask "Can we play later?" but that feels slightly pushy. Not to mention that when I get what I want, it's not as sweet as it would have been if playing had just been imposed upon me.

My Master likes to play less often than I do. Mostly, I think, because it is a lot of work and effort for him to care for me properly and instruct me on every little thing. Giving over control completely is a relief and a delight for me; any work or effort involved serves only to thrill me more, not wear me out. If I could, I'd play as close to 24/7 as possible.


So, how can I communicate to my Master that I want to play without initiating the scene and thereby ruining the Dominant-slave mood?

Thoughts?

voo

I know that this will seem too simple to work...But give it a shot...

Try asking him...*grin* Try asking him "How to ask".

In lieu of that... You could always drop back to the old standby... Drop to knees and use some variation of "May I please you"...

 

[HottieMama]

I know that this will seem too simple to work...But give it a shot...

Try asking him...*grin* Try asking him "How to ask".

In lieu of that... You could always drop back to the old standby... Drop to knees and use some variation of "May I please you"...

i need to remember that...

 

[will2power]

Since you both are already in a realationship, you already know the tune. So the problem is you want to change the tempo. There's two ways you can do this--stop the song and start over in a different beat(That's "asking" as I see it.) or you can transition from one beat to another. This, I think can be easier than you think--if you know the musician.

Perhaps rather than doing something directly, you might think of a symbolic gesture that you both understand. A lot of times because of work, and life in general, we find ourselves in moods that don't lend well to play, and it's not easy to transition out of without some assistance. If there is something he is particulary fond of seeing you in, wear it. Perhaps a different perfume, or a set of heels--something that titilates the senses. For us guys, it's usually something visual, tactile, or olfactory that will get us in the mood. (sight, touch, smell). Never underestimate the value of a different perfume that he likes.

If you don't get to wear your collar all the time(Say if you have kids) you might try something like kneeling and presenting him your collar to put on you. You're going to know what turns him on more than anyone. You have to use that without adding the pressure to perform. There's no greater mood killer than "Can we play?" when said in the wrong context.

The trick is to arouse the desire. No one here's going to know that better than you.

 

[calaman012]

body language

While I'm very new to this, I look for cues in her body language that says shes in the mood. Its a bit of a game between us for her to give them and me to read them correctly. But it makes it all the more interesting.

M