common practice

[CrimsonDom]

BI am fairly sure this question has been asked before. Is it common practice or do some Dom's train their pet in certain way of talking to other Dom's. The reason for my question is I sometimes get messages from subs and they instantly start with calling me sir or making sure that I don't mind if they message me. Then there are newer subs that say I am new and I am not sure how to speak to a Dom and they instantly ask for me to be patient with them and,to forgive them if they offend me. So I was just curious if it's a common training for some or a lot of Dom's.

 

[knot_sweet]

Well, like most things in BDSM, some do and some don't.

Depends on how heavily into protocol etc the couple are.
There are some with extremely strict rules on speaking to another dominant including 'don't unless I give you permission' and 'don't call anyone (insert form of address here) but me'.

Some don't care at all.

I've met both end of the spectrum and everything in between.

I guess with the online thing, the sub is expressing a desire to become YOUR sub by addressing you as Sir.

Me personally wouldn't accept or offer any form of submissive address until that relationship had been agreed upon. But that's just me.

Just go with whatever floats your boat. If you like it, or at least don't have a problem with it, then it's all good.

 

[Oubliette123]

I think its an individual thing and not necessarily a protocol across the board. Some people delve into the lifestyle lightly, some keep it between their SO and some live it fully.

I have had various PM's from would be Dom's expressing an interest in communication. I have replied to them respectfully explaining I am in a full time relationship and would not consider an extra involvement. I would NEVER address them as PYL, the thought wouldn't even cross my mind.

If I was single and looking for a Dom, I still wouldn't address them as PYL, that would come once the trust was there.

But, everyone is different

 

[LallyH]

There is one site where there is an insistence that ALL subs who speak on threads or privately to someone calling themselves Dom have to use Sir and be deferential at all times.

To me, that was a totally ludicrous and I left. Politeness is one thing but I'm not going to be submissive to an online stranger just because they ticked the 'Dom' box on the application form. But it may be the reason why others are careful when addressing you.

 

[CrimsonDom]

Thank you for all the insight I usually reply back very politely and tell them there is no reason to call me sir. Then I will address any other questions they may have had. I am also currently in a full time committed relationship and not looking for another sub currently. Thanks again for the insight.

 

[KoPilot]

I don't care who you are, I'm gonna talk to you the same as anyone else, really. Some d-types would probably be miffed by it, but I guess then it's a good thing I don't really talk to other d-types.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I think they do it because they read it in the novels.

Although there is a big contingent of people who I would think really know what they are doing who have developed the ugliest habit online of writing;

This series of classes offers something for E/everyone. No matter what Y/you're interested in, skill level or classification (Dominant, Switch or submissive) these classes have something to teach Y/you. A/all are welcome!

Gives me the hiccups to read that.

 

[kiwi_submissive]

Everyone has their own views but I was taught that it was bad manners to call someone Sir or Master who has not given you permission to call them that. I would also say that the majority of PYL's I know get incredibly annoyed at being called Sir or any other PYL label by a pyl that they have only just met.

I would only call someone Sir that I trust and have known for a long time (even with permission) as most self labelled D's are not someone that I would show any respect to.

 

[welkin]

My guess is that with the newer subs... the eagerness for acceptance / belongingness probably fueled their overzealous desire to broadcast themselves as subs through 'deferential' manner of speech.

 

[desertslave]

There is one site where there is an insistence that ALL subs who speak on threads or privately to someone calling themselves Dom have to use Sir and be deferential at all times.

To me, that was a totally ludicrous and I left. Politeness is one thing but I'm not going to be submissive to an online stranger just because they ticked the 'Dom' box on the application form. But it may be the reason why others are careful when addressing you.

This!

I've been in social situations where a degree of extra respect was required of the subs attending, but it was a simple "Mr. Jones" sort of thing. No first names, no PYL. I could live with that since it fit into my sense of general courtesy. I've been accosted by certain 'kneel and worship me' types in the past; my responses varied from rolling my eyes to outright laughing, or waiting until my Sir stepped in and clearly explained that my rules didn't include that sort of knee-jerk response. It does help when you know someone has your back.

Online...feh! Contact is utterly anonymous at the start. Even after a significant period of time you might not know who you are truly dealing with. Masks are very easy to wear.

 

[marieR19]

Everyone has their own views but I was taught that it was bad manners to call someone Sir or Master who has not given you permission to call them that. I would also say that the majority of PYL's I know get incredibly annoyed at being called Sir or any other PYL label by a pyl that they have only just met.

I would only call someone Sir that I trust and have known for a long time (even with permission) as most self labelled D's are not someone that I would show any respect to.

This!! In my mind, it's not much different then messaging a stranger and calling them "sweetheart" or "hubby" or whatever. Those aren't stranger names, those are petnames that are earned once you get to know the person, establish a relationship, figure out what they actually *like* to be called, etc.

If it's worded politely I don't mind people messaging me regarding my submissive nature, because I mean that is the board I post on. But I certainly wouldn't respond kindly to a "you are a sub so you must do this or that" type of message. Likewise, IF I were a dom, I would find it rude and presumptuous for a stranger to message me calling me Sir or Madam or Mistress or whatever.... Because I'm NOT, not to them. To them, I'm Marie. That's it. They don't know me.

 

[DomMCZ]

Hi I am fairly new Dominate on lit, and was reading this. I am newer to the concept of Domination and Submission. I have read what everyone has said multiple times and I would agree with it all, however, there are those self proclaimed Doms,Masters, Sirs, or whatever you want to call them that have taken submissives and have done nothing more than be abusive. I have had some past online submissives and some friends that have told me stories of self proclaimed dominates that have degraded them in such a way that the submissives hated themselves and wanted to leave, even wanting to go so far as to die. I think some submissive out there may do it out of fear of being treated harshly for not addressing a dominate as Sir. i think Dominates or those that claim to be dominates can not get frustrated or annoyed with submissives that do that for we do not know where they have been or what they have been through. I think any good dominates out there would do exactly as CrimsonDom did and explain that that term of reference is not necessary unless it is a term agreed upon in the start of a D/s relationship. Also I see some submissives like kiwi_submissive that said she was taught it was bad manners to do address someone that is dominate as Sir. The key thing in there is that is what she was taught. Be thankful you had someone willing to teach you that. I think the submissives that do this of addressign Dominates as Sirs is because they either had no one to train them and so they may not know better or they may think it is the correct way to address a dominate or they had a very bad experience with a dominate and so they do so out of fear of upsetting another one. So I believe we as dominates, if it happens to us and you feel as a dominate that you should not be addressed that way unless you are in a D/s relationship the best thing we as Dominates can do is be polite and explain it to them for we do not know where they have been. Sorry for the length and if any of that was repetitive, but that is my opinion.

P. S.

Looking for friends on here if you are interested PM me. Sorry for the shameless ad lol

 

[Bramblethorn]

There is one site where there is an insistence that ALL subs who speak on threads or privately to someone calling themselves Dom have to use Sir and be deferential at all times.

To me, that was a totally ludicrous and I left. Politeness is one thing but I'm not going to be submissive to an online stranger just because they ticked the 'Dom' box on the application form. But it may be the reason why others are careful when addressing you.

Uh-huh. To me, "dom"/"sub" is something that a person does in the context of a specific relationship. They may take the same role in all their relationships (or not, as they prefer), but even so, it needn't define their relationship to people who aren't their partners.

It's like saying "he's somebody's father, you're somebody's child, therefore you have to call him 'Daddy'." He might be a father but that doesn't make him your father.

 

[Bramblethorn]

i think Dominates or those that claim to be dominates

Grammar nitpick: there's no such thing as "a dominate". "Dominate" is a verb, the adjective is "dominant".

So: "She is a dominant, she likes to dominate people," but not "She is a dominate".

 

[Sweetdaisymae]

I am a submissive but I only show that type of defference to my Master. He is the only person I will address in that manner.
Interestingly he always capitalises my name, when I asked him wy, he responded that it is beacuse I am important to him.
I have Dom friends who would never ask anyone other than their own sub to call them Sir, I am very much in agreement with this.
I will show politeness to everyone, Dom or sub alike, but I will not offer automatic respect to someone just because they identify as a Top. Respect is earned in any walk of life.