Commitment-to appliances and lovers

[ecstaticsub]

My daughter comes downstairs this morning and made a comment about how much she likes our new super toaster oven/mini- oven. Then she made fun of how our old toaster oven was 20 years old. Even when it caught fire I managed to fix it so we could continue to use it.

She went on to name a quite a few things around our house that I have kept and fixed over and over instead of just replacing it with something new. Then she added
" including Dad, you've had him for over 20 years, too. I guess keeping old things is not such a bad idea"

We both laughed but it got me thinking.

Have we become a throw away society not just of things but of relationships, too? (could the two be related?)

We know about the high divorce rates. But even in conversations both on-line and out in the world it seems people are quick to give the if you aren't happy just leave them advice.

What ever happened to compromise and spending significant time trying to make a relationship work?

I consider myself very lucky to have two men in my life who love me and who I am deeply in love with. Married for over 20 years to one, in a D/s relationship for 8yrs with the other.

But it's not just luck. It's been compromise, dedication and belief that love will get us through anything. In various times in both relationships I have had friends tell me to leave him or how if they were me they wouldn't put up with that shit.

A few of these friends are now middle aged, separated and complaining of being alone.

I don't give up on love. Relationship love is way too rare to throw away when something breaks.

I also notice that the appliances I fix tend to last longer than the new ones I buy.

Any thoughts?

Disclaimer: I know that some relationships are not worth fixing. It also takes both partners working together to keep a relationship going. I know some are abusive, and some people enter into committed partnerships without love. I know not all relationships even should be fixed. But I do believe many give up instead of compromising a little.

 

[KoPilot]

Personally, I hate that our society revolves around planned obsolescence now. But things and people are different to most folks... which one gets the boot while the other gets fixed will vary from person to person.

A few of these friends are now middle aged, separated and complaining of being alone.

Don't a lot of breakups and divorces happen after feeling alone in the relationship?

 

[Netzach]

Maybe it's a reactionary thing to being completely UNable to divorce without becoming social outcasts for a much longer time than being able to. Ideally things will settle in a less dramatic way.

There's broken and there's broken, and there's also change for more subtle but valid reasons. I'm not going to lecture someone like me, who has grown up poor and never been able to have matched decor in a kitchen about the evils of getting a toaster to match the countertop if it's symbolic of a move toward something less chaotic in their environment, shallow as that might seem. (Me, I don't care, but I could see how someone might.)

Project onto relationship as you will. I don't know what anyone's onto but me. I tend to hang in there, but I really like to exhaust possibilities.

 

[BiBunny]

I've never been able to throw anything away, even if it's broken. I'm like an old lady who grew up during the Depression. Well, I did grow up poor(ish). Working class, I guess. Daddy always worked at least 2 or 3 jobs to take care of Mother and me. Later, when I was in high school, my family became considerably less poor when Daddy took a much better-paying job. I've also been poor on my own merits (or lack thereof) since I graduated college. I suppose being used to not having things makes me loath to throw stuff away.

As for relationships? I don't love easily. I've loved very few people in my life, and I still love all of them now. This includes romantic and friendship relationships. No matter how badly I'm treated, how hard I'm fucked over, or what happens, I will see it through to the very bitter end and go down with the ship. Part of it is stubbornness; part of it is the sincere, if naive, belief in the power of love and kindness.

I am alone now with a houseful of useless shit, but nobody can ever say that I ever gave up on anything.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Sometimes I get the feeling that people give up on relationships that could be fixed. It's hard to know of course, looking in from the outside.
On the other hand, I often get the feeling that people make big commitments in a hurry too. It takes time to find out what the other person is like when the sailing is less smooth.

 

[BiBunny]

On the other hand, I often get the feeling that people make big commitments in a hurry too. It takes time to find out what the other person is like when the sailing is less smooth.

THIS. Totally this.

I don't understand people's RUSH into commitments. There is apparently no such thing as dating casually anymore...if there ever really was such a thing to start with.

 

[Keroin]

I will cut loose anything or anyone that has no place in my life. I don't take this lightly, I do not wantonly throw anything away. What it does mean is that I value my health and well being, I value my time, and realize that life is too short.

I don't care how ugly my toaster is, if it works properly. If it doesn't, if it can't be fixed, out it goes. I'll say the same about relationships. All relationships. I will try my best to fix a relationship but I've been in enough bad ones to realize when things just aren't going to improve.

However, I am more careful in the beginning stages, too. I don't bring things or people into my life randomly. And if I let you into my inner circle, it's because I've seen that you're a quality human being. So, more work in the beginning translates into less work down the road.

As for 'romantic' relationships, I think it's important to have "do not cross" lines and that our partners are aware of those boundaries, (and know they'll be enforced). What this says to your partner(s) is simply, I value myself and will not tolerate mistreatment. I don't know many who don't find self respect and dignity an appealing quality.

Having said all that, I do not like the amount of waste we humans generate. Particularly e-waste and plastics. Those of us who are able to, should do our part to reduce this.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I would rather fix than toss. But if toss is what has to happen, then something is going to go sailing out the door...

 

[midwestyankee]

I would rather fix than toss. But if toss is what has to happen, then something is going to go sailing out the door...

I'm definitely a fixer. My first lawn mower was over 30 years old and had undergone two engine rebuilds, one by me, before I finally replaced it. I replaced the touch-screen in my last cell phone twice before giving up on it. And this extends out to relationships as well. Four years ago I was pretty certain that my wife and I were headed for divorce but, among other things, she appealed to my sense of repair and we figured out how to make it better.

 

[ecstaticsub]

Interesting answers, thank you. I'll respond more completely soon.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I would rather fix than toss. But if toss is what has to happen, then something is going to go sailing out the door...

Note to self: Wear helmet when in vicinity of Stella's door.

 

[Salenku]

Also a fixer. I also find with appliances that the older ones are simpler as they have less features, and less goes wrong with them. I'm sure there's a comment to apply to lovers here somewhere....

 

[Keroin]

Also a fixer. I also find with appliances that the older ones are simpler as they have less features, and less goes wrong with them. I'm sure there's a comment to apply to lovers here somewhere....

But they can be less energy efficient. The appliances, that is.

Old fridges are HUGE energy suckers. You're far better to get rid of them if you can.

Oh look at me standing on the environmental soap box again. Quel surprize.

 

[Salenku]

But they can be less energy efficient. The appliances, that is.

Old fridges are HUGE energy suckers. You're far better to get rid of them if you can.

Oh look at me standing on the environmental soap box again. Quel surprize.

Old lovers are definitely energy suckers. I can't speak for them being energy efficient, though. I don't speak to many of mine for that reason.

I maintain that old boilers go on forever. (This may or may not make sense depending on what you call your means of heating water)

 

[kiwi_submissive]

The microwave tried Electroplay on me the other night. I pressed the button to open the door and it blew up and gave me a really bad shock at the same time. Arm is still numb. It's not even a year old but I just don't trust it now to have it fixed so I will have to buy a new one.

Anyhow I wonder if part of the not working through relationship issues anymore has anything to do with social networking, smartphones etc. It seems to people these days are very much I want it and I want it now because that is what we have become used to ie with things like internet banking, not having to leave the house to shop and things like that.

It also strikes me as strange as rather than talking through issues with someone people can and do just go online and chat to others and can even set up another relationship while the other one is falling apart. I wonder whether it is because it is easier.

I have a couple of relationship rules provided those particular rules are not broken then I will do everything I can to make the relationship work. I tell the person what my rules are and if that line is crossed I walk. I don't do the whole broken record of discussing things around in circles and I don't want to be in the exact same situation with the same person having wasted 5 years of my life on them.

 

[knot_sweet]

I love people and tend to commit fully and easily. With the exception of two people, I am also completely capable of walking away and feeling nothing if my commitment is betrayed.

I restore old furnishings only so I move on to a new piece and different style. I'm incapable of forming attachments to objects, even photos. This may have a lot to do with my passion for interior design. When you can picture a thousand different ways to style a room, it's incredibley difficult to stick to anything for long.

 

[intothewoods]

The microwave tried Electroplay on me the other night. I pressed the button to open the door and it blew up and gave me a really bad shock at the same time. Arm is still numb. It's not even a year old but I just don't trust it now to have it fixed so I will have to buy a new one.

Holy shit! That might be a lawsuit or something.

 

[kiwi_submissive]

Holy shit! That might be a lawsuit or something.

Sadly we don't have those here

 

[the captians wench]

THIS. Totally this.

I don't understand people's RUSH into commitments. There is apparently no such thing as dating casually anymore...if there ever really was such a thing to start with.

This gets me.

Like I don't want to be completely committed to some one before I even know them. I don't understand why we have to be exclusive from date one, and I have informed many a potential that I will not be exclusive until I deem they are some one I want that kind of relationship with. What floors me even more often is the fact that they are usually completely okay with that, but also tell me that they will not be seeing any one else until they figure out what it is we have. Of course they could be lying, I don't know for sure, but either way I'm not sure why they would feel the need to.

 

[LittleSparks]

Just like people rarely become successful without hard work, relationships are also rarely successful without it. I agree with others above that in this day and age people just throw away relationships they could easily have worked on, and in my own close circle of friends, many of them live to regret it. In my opinion, there's nothing worse than losing the person you love or a good friend because you simple couldn't put in the effort at the time.

 

[wicked woman]

I'm a mix.

For things, I'll throw it out and think nothing of it. I'm completely incapable of fixing anything and because we're a disposable society it's difficult to find anyone to fix things at a reasonable price.

For people and relationships, I'll do my best to work on it, but if in the end that doesn't work, I've been known to think life is too short to be miserable forever, and I've cut myself loose. Never my first option though.

 

[BiBunny]

This gets me.

Like I don't want to be completely committed to some one before I even know them. I don't understand why we have to be exclusive from date one, and I have informed many a potential that I will not be exclusive until I deem they are some one I want that kind of relationship with. What floors me even more often is the fact that they are usually completely okay with that, but also tell me that they will not be seeing any one else until they figure out what it is we have. Of course they could be lying, I don't know for sure, but either way I'm not sure why they would feel the need to.

I feel the same way.

I'm also half-convinced that there is a correlation between the ease with which people pick relationships up and the ease with which they put them down. If you committed lightly, it's probably easy to leave lightly as well.

 

[Dyslexicea]

I'm not good at keeping anything broken or not. I tend to replace things with newer/better, sometimes just because I find something more artistically pleasing. I guess I fit the throwaway society. In my defense I don't throw those things away, if it's not broken I give them to someone who needs them.

Perhaps, because of the way I was raised. I just don't place much value on things. I never faced want, I was always given whatever I wanted. If I don't have an emotional attachment to something I just don't value it. Spoiled child, material, yes, in other ways not so much.

Friendships I do have many friends some very close. Relationships I don't do well with committed relationship, I do not commit easily. I've had more than my share of relationships but I'd always break them off as soon as they became too emotional.

Committed I Love You relationships, I've only had two, the first I didn't throw away it just couldn't work. It was too complicated, her career was in the military, I didn't want to hide our relationship she had to. If it hadn't been for "DADT" we may have stayed together.

Hopefully the one I'm in now is going to last. We've surely had our share of problems but we've been able to work those out. I'm sure we'll have more problems in the future but we are committed to making our life together work. Looking back the problems seem minor compared to the joy our relationship has given me.

Our relationship works because we work at it, it isn't always easy. I think too many people want easy, at the first sign of problems they give up. The never ending search for the TV marriage, no work, all play.

 

[ecstaticsub]

Personally, I hate that our society revolves around planned obsolescence now. But things and people are different to most folks... which one gets the boot while the other gets fixed will vary from person to person.



Don't a lot of breakups and divorces happen after feeling alone in the relationship?

I don't know, I've never been divorced and honestly I've had very, very few real break-ups. The ones that I have had were atypical, meaning they weren't because we didn't like each other anymore it was because of life getting in the way (like one of us getting married, or moving half way across the country, or things like that)

 

[ecstaticsub]

Thank you all for some very interesting comments.

I don't rush into commitments, to things or lovers. However, each of the 3 men I have loved in my life have been the kind of lightning strike instant chemistry kind of loves. None of them were/are the kind of love that grew on me. I didn't say "I love you" for a while because I was forcing myself to be cautious but the feeling was there from the very beginning.

(and with 1 of those loves, now that I think of it, we never said "I love you" out loud to each other. The timing was wrong for both of us. The years we had together were amazing. We never did break up. Circumstances just pulled us physically apart)

I have never broken up with someone with whom I was in love.

I also have an 11 year old car that fits me perfectly. I don't intend on throw that away until it completely dies.