Commentary: Is Drama a Necessary Evil?

[OutsideObserver]

Have you noticed that when the drama of this thread is at it's highest, that also happens to be when the most people are here reading and posting? By drama I mean such things as the fight between Lancecastor and cymbidia, or the recently drama-fest caused by my first thread. Drama seems to have a way of drawing people out of the woodwork. What is it about drama that just gets people into a frenzy? People post and say they hate to see such things, and yet they are there everyday to watch. People post and say they hate drama and that they are going to leave, and yet, day in and day out they are there watching and commenting, and posting about BDSM and creating new threads. So, I ask, is this drama a necessary evil that is ok to deal with? Is a little drama ok? Should we become our own soap opera? As The World Spanks?

Discuss.

~=(O)--(O)=~

 

[MissTaken]

This post would have been more apropos many months ago. People were coming and going and leaving and returning. That isn't the case now.

Of course, I didn't read all of your other thread. It seemed to get off track, but drama isn't a "necessesary" anything. Drama always draws a crowd, akin to a car accident or drive by shooting. The crowd gathers. Does that mean that any one of those on lookers would wish for another car accident or tragedy? No.

 

[pierced_boy]

Kicking the frass out of my hole

OO
Drama is one thing and it usually deveolpes where there are relationships.

What you have evoked is pure irritation, coming here telling folk they are inadequate, the place is in adequate because some caustic and biggoted folk have moved on.

EB said it quite well, succintly and clearly in the first post of you first thread.

"bugger off arse hole". refect on these words, Bugger, off, and arse hole (ass hole for north americans)

keep posting at your own peril! There is plenty of pain around.


The whiphand from the DEEEEEEEP south

Harry

 

[XtremelyConfusd]

PB--

"There is plenty of pain around. "

Save some for others!

xc

 

[UCE]

Yes drama is a ncessary evil because it always happens on all "free" message boards (whihc have little to no censorship or banning style of moderation) inevitably. You can't get away from it unless you start or join a forum that is heavily moderated. Usually such forums are lifeless, but I belong to a few run by very talented individuals who know how to keep them strifeless AND happy creative places at the same time.

I don't think it's so much that peoples' differing personalities rub each other the wrong way that causes drama. That does happen but it happens less than peoples' _ideas_ rubbing each other the wrong way. How many countless times I have seen somebody innocently and happily express their ideas only to be torn to shreds by somebody who is extremely defensive about the concepts under discussion. Most people are not, I have noticed, aware of how many hot buttons they have, how many issues genuinely bother them, and when one of those issues is raised in a forum where "anything" can be discussed, the emotional reaction in such people is instantaneous and knee-jerk (utterly unthinking--it's all emotion, however "intellectual" their sarcastic response may appear) and before you know it, somebody else has gotten offended by that individuals over-reaction and is screaming at them and then that individual, feeling beset for no good reason screams back, and the Drama Train is leaving the station. All aboard!

Another big source of drama come from the people (they are innumerous online) who are more than avergely narcissistic. Such people interpret everything they percieve in terms of themselves. They are at the center of the universe and everything revolves around them. Therefore, if one disagrees with an idea they have put forth, one is personally attacking them. Or even (had this happen to me with a former "best friend") if you've started a brand new thread and are talking in a general way about something that interests you, if your ideas do not agree with those of the narcisstic individual's that person will _still_ see you as attacking them personally, even though you had no thought of all of Ms. or Ms. Narcissist when you wrote your message and in fact, didn't even know them well enough to know they had these opposing ideas!

Yeah, narcissism, the idea that one automatically "deserves" respect from everybody even though one has done nothing whatsoever to prove oneself deserving of such respect, and the idea that people must "respect" you in the ways you imagine show respect, ways that may never have occurred to others to express even if they wanted to give you respect you haven't earned, is the cause of a great deal of the really stupid dramas in all message boards.

A final very common source of drama for all message boards is the clash of the new people with the old people. This bdsm board is not extreme in this regard, not compared to what I've seen elsewhere anyway, but it does exist, particularly with new people who enter with a bang. (In some perverse message groups, if you DON'T enter with a bang you are given a hard time--but most work the other way around.) Every existing online group develops its own ways, it's unspoken rituals, of how it likes to be approached by newcomers and regular members in the group unconsciously expect newcomers to quietly watch, learn the rules, and then follow those rules. Newcomers with no regard for that sort of protocol, who jump in saying "take me as I am--I ain't a gonna jump through your hoops first" risk a substantial number of regular posters flaming the hell out of them, imagining things in their words that are not there, turning them into the arch-enemy, starting threads with their name in them so they can draw more attention to how "evil" that individual is, etc. etc. The idea is simple: if you don't act and look like us, you threaten us, so we're gonna, by hook or by crook, throw you OUT.

 

[Pure]

UCE said
I don't think it's so much that peoples' differing personalities rub each other the wrong way that causes drama. That does happen but it happens less than peoples' _ideas_ rubbing each other the wrong way. How many countless times I have seen somebody innocently and happily express their ideas only to be torn to shreds by somebody who is extremely defensive about the concepts under discussion. Most people are not, I have noticed, aware of how many hot buttons they have, how many issues genuinely bother them, and when one of those issues is raised in a forum where "anything" can be discussed, the emotional reaction in such people is instantaneous and knee-jerk (utterly unthinking--it's all emotion, however "intellectual" their sarcastic response may appear) and before you know it, somebody else has gotten offended by that individuals over-reaction and is screaming at them and then that individual, feeling beset for no good reason screams back, and the Drama Train is leaving the station. All aboard!

Sounds about right to me. There's a kind of prickliness that comes in; as you say, even more mellow types may have hot buttons. Then it escalates. As in the sandbox, one kid may have thrown sand first, but the other stuck out his tongue.

It's damn hard, and few do it consistently, least of all, me, but the knack is to de-escalate, respond with gentleness and respect until it's proven the other really wants a dust up.

It's also worth noting that the notorious "commentary" thread begun by OO did not start out with a flame. If you go back to it[posting #1], it's pretty tame reading. But it was intrusive, or perceived so. At some point thereafter flames erupted and fed each other to conflagration.

Is it necessary? Well, it's going to happen, I've seen it a 100 times: have a look at the 'ultimate anal sex' thread for a recent example.

Can there be change without upset? I've seen it occasionally but the splits and factionalization are often personal at root; someone is feeling 'hard done by' and their friends agree, and a new website or forum or whatever comes into existence, to go through the same process. Kind of like the history of protestantism.

Best regards to all.
None of this is directed at anyone in particular; no point in 'blaming' for these happenstances. Some can, of course help quell the flames and 'pick up' after the burn. A flamer might even become a friend.

J.

 

[OutsideObserver]

Some interesting replies

Well, some interesting feedback. I appreciate the few replies.

Originally posted by MissTaken
This post would have been more apropos many months ago. People were coming and going and leaving and returning. That isn't the case now.

Of course, I didn't read all of your other thread. It seemed to get off track, but drama isn't a "necessesary" anything. Drama always draws a crowd, akin to a car accident or drive by shooting. The crowd gathers. Does that mean that any one of those on lookers would wish for another car accident or tragedy? No.

True, it was very appropriate a few months ago. However, I would argue that it is worth discussing at anytime. Especially, at a time when it can help the forum. I am not sure I follow your argument there. Yes, drama will draw a crowd, which I think is a good thing. I think one of the side effects of drawing a crowd is that they post, they think about new things, they share personal information, and most of all they keep momentum going. I am not saying just because there is drama that people come here hoping to create or see more drama. That was not my intent at all. I am meerly pointing out that I thought drama, in a healthy doze, can and does help a forum such as this one.

Originally posted by pierced_boy
What you have evoked is pure irritation, coming here telling folk they are inadequate, the place is in adequate because some caustic and biggoted folk have moved on.

Well, I believe I have quote everything from your post that was worth discussing. Or rather, everything that was not an insult. I apologize if I have caused your irriation. But, like they say, "sounds like a personal problem". I would like you to provide quotes from my posts showing where I tell the people here they are inadequate. I have a feeling that you have jumped on somebody's "bandwagon" and you really are not thinking for yourself. You are meerly being caustic because you feel I am from "the other team". I will just say this: good team spirit.

UCE: Yes, I agree wholeheartedly with your entire post. Those are some very common reasons that drama occurs. I will not argue with that. However, do you feel that the forum benefits in anyway from that drama? As I have stated earlier, I feel it does.

Pure: I agree with your post for the post part. I agree that a level head is a good thing.

Thanks to the few who thought about this topic and took the time to respond. New topic to follow shortly.

~=(O)--(O)=~

 

[UCE]

Is it necessary? Well, it's going to happen, I've seen it a 100 times: have a look at the 'ultimate anal sex' thread for a recent example.

There's a flame in the Ultimate Anal Sex thread? That's one of the few new threads here I haven't read because I figured it'd be boring as hell (been there-done that, you know). Now I will have to take a look!

Pure also said:

"Some can, of course help quell the flames and 'pick up' after the burn. A flamer might even become a friend."

I've had that happen to me once or twice, too, but it's pretty rare especially if a person's consistently hostile atttitude toward you is never really explained--ie you've been nice to them all along. It makes everything they do later nearly impossible to trust because their initial hostile response to you was so totally irrational.

Unda. Crucia. Eximius.

 

[UCE]

Re: Some interesting replies

" I would like you to provide quotes from my posts showing where I tell the people here they are inadequate. I have a feeling that you have jumped on somebody's "bandwagon" and you really are not thinking for yourself. You are meerly being caustic because you feel I am from "the other team". I will just say this: good team spirit."

Nodding. That's my impression of Pierced Boy too. His flaming is just too irrational. No content, nothing in it which suggests outrage at deeply held personal issues of his own. I just had to put someone doing something similar to me on ingore for a whole month. Gonna give him time to cool down and think about whether his hostile ideas really came from himself or if he's just responding like a puppet who lets his strings get pulled by others.

OO said:

"UCE: Yes, I agree wholeheartedly with your entire post. Those are some very common reasons that drama occurs. I will not argue with that. However, do you feel that the forum benefits in anyway from that drama? As I have stated earlier, I feel it does."

I feel a free an open forum both benefits and loses from this kind of strife or drama. It benefits in the sense that it increases people's confidence that they can post freely on what topics they want to and they won't be kicked out and censored, since so many others say much worse and don't get even a slap on the hand. Another benefit is that some people, particularly the silent reader types, may get a good lesson or two in group dynamics by watching such dramas, as they have such repetitive patterns, no matter what the group is or who is in it. Groups act in really predictable ways and for some people, if you can learn to predict how they'll act, you can learn to gird your loins against the worst they can throw at you. This isn't true of all people, in fact, I am one of the ones who does not act on her knowlege, but I do so on purpose, not because any of this shit takes me particularly by suprise, lol. I listen to my own distant drummer, in other words. A girlfriend of mine, however, has I think learned a tremendous amount through watching group dramas, particularly the "merry" ones I involve myself in as I'm always deconstructing them in the background for her. I don't have to do much explaining of that sort to her anymore. She can dissect these things quite well on her own.

The losses in dramas are mostly individual--the group, in most cases, goes on and forgets. Very rarely a whole group will self-destruct, but it really doesn't happen often. But individuals who are too open and vulnerable lose out if they become the object of an agressive gang's hatred. Some people just don't have the sort of personality that allows one to get "tough" and uncaring enough to continue, once the attacks become too vicious. People who once contributed interesting ideas become silent and taciturn. People who have any sucess in the "bullying" or "group ganging up" games tend to become bigger and more obnoxious bullies. I really don't like seeing ugly people get uglier and timid people tarred, feathered, and run out of town, but it's always what happens, well, until the ugly bully blows it someway and then everybody gathers round like pirranihas and eats him for dinner! I do like to see that happen.

I don't remember what you said about thinking a group benefits from drama. Did you say why you believed this?

Unda