"Coming out" to a 9 year old.

[playwithlezli]

Hey everyone!

We are a female same sex couple, looking for input on talking with a 9 year old boy about his mom having a girlfriend.

He is bright and sensitive, and we already are fairly obvious with our care for each other. As of yet, we have put no names, labels or qualifiers on what we share, but feel it is time to have an open discussion about our relationship.

At some point, we feel it may be prudent to discuss what other people may say or teasing he may be subject to.

Any input from your own thoughts or experiences would be appreciated. If you are not comfortable posting, feel free to PM me.

Thanks in advance all, I look forward, as always to your thoughtful responses.

Lezli

 

[Tough_Neocon]

Hey everyone!

We are a female same sex couple, looking for input on talking with a 9 year old boy about his mom having a girlfriend.

He is bright and sensitive, and we already are fairly obvious with our care for each other. As of yet, we have put no names, labels or qualifiers on what we share, but feel it is time to have an open discussion about our relationship.

At some point, we feel it may be prudent to discuss what other people may say or teasing he may be subject to.

Any input from your own thoughts or experiences would be appreciated. If you are not comfortable posting, feel free to PM me.

Thanks in advance all, I look forward, as always to your thoughtful responses.

Lezli

My opinion, homosexuals should not keep kids. It's just wrong...unless you're trying for some cures to change your gayness.

George

 

[MsNouriche]

My opinion, homosexuals should not keep kids. It's just wrong...unless you're trying for some cures to change your gayness.

George

I am happily heteroflexible, and have flexed both ways. I have a gay brother, a few other gay and lesbian relatives - all raised by married heterosexual parents.

To answer your thread lezli, like you said, he is an astute person. Very tough question. Has he commented, asked or in any way hinted that he wants to know more about you & his Mom? And who you are to her? How well does he know you? And how much has he seen you two together?
While I have had a relationship with a woman who had 2 kids, both were already aware she was into women and they were also older. I personally felt more comfortable not being too affectionate around her as I just figured she is their Mom and I should give them time to adjust. They were both and still are very close to their Mom and great kids. She and I keep in touch also.
There's my 2 cents, hope it gave some perspective that helps.

 

[privyjo]

Lezli, just repeating pretty much the same thing I previously pm'd you.

I try not to give advice as much as I share my experience.

First let me say that I think adults don't give enough credit to kids for picking up what is going on around them. They are smarter than we know.

I told my son I was a lesbian when he was 8. I was not involved in a relationship at the time but there were situations in my life which lead me to believe it was appropriate to tell my son that I was a lesbian. I basically set the scene to where he and I would and could not be interrupted - e.g., riding in a car. I started by saying to him, "You know I am not like most other mothers. That I am different." He said yes and that he liked it that I was different. Said his friends thought I was "cool". I then told him I was different, in part, because I am a homosexual, gay - these are words he knew from school - lesbian was not a word bandied about as much by kids his age at that time. I then said I was a lesbian and explained what it meant. And well - the conversation lasted not more than 10 minutes. Three years later I met my now ex-partner and my son was cool with my partner and I being together. My son tells me he never experienced any issues from other kids about my being a lesbian. In fact, one of his high school friends lived with his mother and her partner.

My son is now 19 and we remain close. He tells me he is glad I told him myself I am a lesbian rather hearing it from someone else.

My 2 cents.

 

[fingermagic]

Hey everyone!

We are a female same sex couple, looking for input on talking with a 9 year old boy about his mom having a girlfriend.

He is bright and sensitive, and we already are fairly obvious with our care for each other. As of yet, we have put no names, labels or qualifiers on what we share, but feel it is time to have an open discussion about our relationship.

At some point, we feel it may be prudent to discuss what other people may say or teasing he may be subject to.

Any input from your own thoughts or experiences would be appreciated. If you are not comfortable posting, feel free to PM me.

Thanks in advance all, I look forward, as always to your thoughtful responses.

Lezli

You need to be up front and honest, however, you must assess his maturity level first. Too early may be worse. It is a lot for a little guy to take in if he is not emotionally able to handle it.

 

[angelkitty7888]

My opinion, homosexuals should not keep kids. It's just wrong...unless you're trying for some cures to change your gayness.

George

You really are an extremist aren't you? i believe that there's nothing wrong with having a child if you can take care of and love that child your orientation doesn't matter... not to mention you are making it sound like a kid is a pet or something!

As for the original post i'd try to explain it very gently to him you are saying he is a bright kid right? i'm sure if you explained slowly and letting him ask questions it could go smoothly.... i read a book that said you should basically reasure a child that their relationship with the parent won't change and even if the child rejects the idea at first it might not always be that way so keep talking... it also said introducing the idea earlier is better because a child is less likely to have been effected by society's attitudes and still be very open minded

i hope i helped

 

[Etoile]

You really are an extremist aren't you?

No, just a troll. Ignore them, and they go away. Feed them, and they hang around.

 

[Tough_Neocon]

No, just a troll. Ignore them, and they go away. Feed them, and they hang around.

This forum says FREE SPEECH. I'm not a troll, but you elitist lesbians, gays, trannies and other deviants dont want to hear any point of view other than yours. You cannot see any other points of views.

Say no to homosexuality. My gf is a homosexual convert. Thank you.

George

 

[Tough_Neocon]

You really are an extremist aren't you? i believe that there's nothing wrong with having a child if you can take care of and love that child your orientation doesn't matter... not to mention you are making it sound like a kid is a pet or something!

Homosexuality is a deviant lifestyle. Children shouldnt be allowed near homosexuals. Sorry, thats the way I see it. Homosexuality centers around pure sex and nothing else. Send these children to a foster home. Don't corrupt their lives. First we are forced to accept homosexuals. Next we'll be forced to accept bestiality. Do you want that in America?

George

 

[interfacial]

At 9 years old I was already stealing my dad's penthouse. Some 9 year olds are old enough to be aware of such things, others aren't. But either way, just be truthful, clear, and patient. Be casual about it and he's far more likely to casually recieve the information. He'll either be okay with it, or he will have to learn to be okay with it. Waiting or sugercoating just won't do much to help him, in the end.

 

[ReBeLBeLLe]

Blah, blah, blah, blah. Next we'll be forced to accept bestiality. Do you want that in America?

George

Sure, why don't you go fuck a duck.

 

[Wolfman1982]

ReBeLBeLLe: The thing is, I have experienced a person like our own little neonazi jerkoff, some other place. The good thing , is that when the shit hit the fan for real. Then he sent me a peace PM, since he felt the heat was burning too close. After he had been harrassing me so much. That the administrator at the place. Who is one of my personal friends. he promised me, if he ever crossed the line EVER again. Then he would have been permanately banned, with IP, and the whole shemoley.

I know the moderators here are more members, than judges over other people. But there are some things, where we all hit a border. And I think some of us here doesn´t like the GBers that much. But again some GBers are crazy cool motherfuckers

But Nazis, neofucks, neonazis, racists. bigots, homophobes. workshops from hell shouldn´t be allowed round here in the GLBT chatter. Even though we have free speech. Since there is a line between trolling or maybe even trawling. and down right spamming fucktards. Since most of the GBers are amazing well oriented, and quite nice, if you get the rythm in some of their shouts. But of course not all people are in the positive way. but the little neonazi fucktard. Well, matters is. I think , and hope a devine intervention will strike down on him, with a furious anger. And stop the cunt for ever posting here again, with he has understood . He is entitles to have an extreme fuckedup neonazi attitude. But he won´t be popular, in the end.

 

[John Doe]

That bra looks uncomfortable.

 

[Hooper_X]

Unless he has been home-schooled he probably already has an inkling.

 

[Tough_Neocon]

Sure, why don't you go fuck a duck.

No thanks, I dont want to join the AIDS club aka. the Homosexual club.

George

 

[angelkitty7888]

Neocon

Are we sure there isn't a way to petition to ban Neocon? Everything that has come out of his mouth has been absolute drivil! and then he takes his twisted ideas on life and turns them into an insult to fling at people on home grounds when they're asking politely for a helpful opinion... i have no trouble with him being here but i happen to believe he should eother keep his bashing to other who bash or listen to the golden rule of treat others how you want to be treated. If he has an opinion on something that is helpful or good Sure fine come post but if he's going to bash i just don't think this is the right place for him

 

[khlarrissa]

Interesting how he's so against homosexuality ... yet is prowling the GLBT board.

Methinks the lady doth protest too much.

 

[Nirvanadragones]

Let's try and get this thread back on track?

Lezli, my daughter is 5, and I have been " out" to her since the beginning of her existance. Whomever said kids know - that is so true. They are intuitive, and I believe because of their ability to see things different (as children do) they do pick up on these things much easier than adults do.

He probably already knows what is going on. I suggest that what you tell him, should be in relation to what he already knows of the subject. I steer clear of actual sex talk with my daughter, because for one, she is much too young to understand the details, and number two, I don't like to make the distinction between love and all the other aspects of love, at this stage of her life. She knows that I love another woman, and she knows that that is beautiful, and acceptable.

It's important that you should also listen to how he reacts to what you tell him. He might have questions that you're not prepared for - just be honest, and try and see this from his perspective.

In my experience, it is much easier for children to accept diversity than it is for adults. I admire you for being concerned about how to approach this.

I wish you love and light


Edited to add: The teasing aspect - yes, especially at his age, that might be a concern. I'd ensure that he knows he can talk to you both about anything at anytime. He should know that whatever happens, he is safe with you both, and that together, you will deal with whatever happens.

Edited a second time . . . One more thought. In general, I think it's important for kids to see and know their parents are happy. If this is the case with you and your woman, then he will already know that you're good for each other. He should be happy that his mommy is happy.

 

[kalalau]

Like Etoile said, ignore the (nasty) troll.

 

[CuriousNiceGuy]

You cannot see any other points of views.
Say no to homosexuality.

Lol..these two lines together one after the other.. How ironic..

Anyway, about the topic, I dunno what I'd do in your situation.. I'd just be honest. Tell him about why it is ok that you are homosexual and that this doesnt make you very different from other people. Don't really know.. Just tell him how you really feel.. Children are usually kind when others are honest around them and treat them equally.
Actually if I had a son I'd prefer to tell him about my sexuality when he was little. He wouldn't find it that weird at that part of his life. Growing with such knowledge can actually make you more thoughtful.
Good luck with whatever you decide

 

[Tough_Neocon]

Are we sure there isn't a way to petition to ban Neocon? Everything that has come out of his mouth has been absolute drivil! and then he takes his twisted ideas on life and turns them into an insult to fling at people on home grounds when they're asking politely for a helpful opinion... i have no trouble with him being here but i happen to believe he should eother keep his bashing to other who bash or listen to the golden rule of treat others how you want to be treated. If he has an opinion on something that is helpful or good Sure fine come post but if he's going to bash i just don't think this is the right place for him

I WAS polite. The elitist homosexuals/bi/transgendered/bestiality lovers or whatever jumped on my throat from the beginning. I guess this place has no room for free speech after all.

I admire your willingness to be polite and NOT call me a troll like your other counterparts here.

George

 

[angelkitty7888]

I WAS polite. The elitist homosexuals/bi/transgendered/bestiality lovers or whatever jumped on my throat from the beginning. I guess this place has no room for free speech after all.

I admire your willingness to be polite and NOT call me a troll like your other counterparts here.

George

Well thank you for calling me polite i acctually gets me in trouble sometimes with my SO lol

i'm sorry to say this but the way you word your opinions makes it seem more insulting than it probably is in your own mind (benifit of the doubt) why don't you try explaining your opinions more instead of just stating them in a somewhat rude mannor? i admit sometimes we like to jump at people but generally we do that when we feel insulted... My father doesn't like the fact that i am a lesbian/bi-curious but he keeps his hurtful opinions to himself because he respects my choices even though he doesn't like them or believe in them... all we generally ask of people is be respectful of us so we will be respectful of you (or at least that's all i ask)...

it's as bad as religious discussions a buddist a wiccan an athiest and a christian may never see eye to eye but most of the time they will respectfully listen to the other side and then politely provide their own opinions... other times it results in things like the crusades of the midevil era.... see my point?

Edit:
I do happen to be against bestiality but i know i love my girlfriend and i know it's infinately more than a frienship love... she is a light in my life and has helped me through so many tough times so i disagree that all "deviant relationships" (as you've called them) revolve explicitly around sex... i admit there are some that do, but that is their choice... in fact my girlfriend and i don't generally get to be close that way because there are too many other factors and neither of us is fond of my car... so i respectfully disagree with your opinion

 

[ravenmx]

Lezlie, my son is now 19. I have been out to him since he was 2 and pretty much all he has ever know about mom is that she is different in who she loves. My partners kids were 9 and thirteen (they are now 24 and 21) when we started dating. After about a year we told them about us. We just explained that we loved each other just like her and their father did or their father and his current wife. We explained that yes it was different because we were two ladies in love but that the love we shared was not any different between us as two women as the love is between a man and a women. They all pretty much had a idea anyway and I think were relieved when we told them. We also gave them a chance to ask questions and did our best to answer.
As far as teasing, we live in a small town. If the kids were ever teased the didn't tell us about it. In fact many times they had their friends stay over night and we took their friends with us to several outings.
If you show that love is the same no matter what sex it is between they will grow up with a healthy and repectful outlook on it.
None of the kids are ashamed and usually tell friends and girlfriends upfront that their moms are gay. I think in 13 years there has been only one friend who quit being a friend. Not bad for a small town.

 

[vanelane]

Kiddos are generally very accepting of what their parents tell them. We as parents are still their gods at this age. I'm not gay, but I am the mother of two six year olds and they are very matter of fact about the fact that families come in a variety of configurations. I remember one time when they were in preschool we were talking about a birthday party at school. I said something like "Oh, Jonathan's mommy brought cupcakes? That's nice." and my daughter corrected me in a scolding tone. "No, Mommy, his Mommy had to work; his MIMI brought the cupcakes!" with a look on her face like 'Sheesh, Mom can't you keep his parents straight?"

 

[playwithlezli]

Thanks (almost) everyone for your input.

It's nice to hear how it went for everyone.

So far we are just carrying on, but introducing the concept of same sex relationships. So, on Friday night when we were playing the board game "Life", when it was time to marry I announced I was going to marry my girlfriend and put a second pink peg in my car.

If he asks we will answer, but in the meantime will just keep hanging out together.

We all spend about 90% of our time together so I am thinking about all that is missing is the good night kiss and the words. I do agree that it is better for him to hear from us rather than overheard in conversation.

If anyone else has a story to tell or advice to share I'd appreciate it.

I said something like "Oh, Jonathan's mommy brought cupcakes? That's nice." and my daughter corrected me in a scolding tone. "No, Mommy, his Mommy had to work; his MIMI brought the cupcakes!" with a look on her face like 'Sheesh, Mom can't you keep his parents straight?"

LOL!



Happy Monday all-even NeoCon who must feel incredibly alone if he/she has to come over to the GLBT board to get some attention. Wait a sec, why is she/he even at Lit at all, even on the GB can't be all that much "pure sex" (that would be a sexual act performed only in order to reproduce wouldn't it?)