Come out to my children

[Rose101]

I have two teenage children (16 and 18) from my now defunct marriage and I have a girlfriend of several months who I have kept secret from them. My girlfriend has declared her love for me and I am very much in love with her. I feel that it will only be a matter of time before pressure builds for us to bring our relationship into the open and this will, of course, men coming out to my kids.

They have been hit hard enough by the breakdown of my marriage to their father as it is and I am worried as to what their reaction will be to the revelation that their mother is in a lesbian relationship.

Suggestions anyone?

 

[_Apocalypse_]

Well, do you have any predictions to how they might react? Any at all - given that you know their personalities.

 

[Rose101]

Well they're not rampant homophobes, that's for sure. My son would be shocked but would accept the situation more readily than his sister. She's at that age where what everyone else thinks is what matters and may struggle a bit. She's also closer to her father than my son is and he is homophobic and I'd be afraid of him turning her against me. Although it was his philandering that destroyed our marriage he is a narcissist and will worry about how a lesbian ex wife might reflect on his image.

 

[Cathleen]

I'd seek the help and advice of a professional before one word is uttered.

I'm not trying to pass judgement on your relationship with your girlfriend but 'several months' and declaration of love isn't enough, to come out to your children just yet, IMHO.

Your relationship with each child matters with regard to the divorce. Your relationship with your ex-husband is important and since you state he's homophobic, that issue is very important to the relationship you and he have with your children -- irrespective of their current ages.

There is so much here and the most important issue is the well-being of your children. Now and for their future. They may be reaching the 'age of majority' but 18 is far from adult and ready for what might be a minefield of unknowns.

 

[Sugartitties]

While today's teens are far more accepting of LBGT, I think you need to be very careful in how you approach this. I would treat any new relationship as I would a hetero coupling, that is protect your kids from the details and introductions until you are in a long term, serious relationship. Kids honestly don't want to meet every one of mom or dad's new SO's, unless they are going to be in the picture permanently.

As far as your sexuality, be very sure that this is a permanent development before confusing your kids.

I agree with the advice to seek counseling on this issue. There really is no need to rush this. Your kids long term stability should always come first.

 

[NightL]

While I agree with the sentiment of most of these posts - the most important thing is that the children see a happy mother. If they have problems with their peers - happy mother. If the ex-husband tries to manipulate the situation - happy mother. A happy mother will win out.

Kids honestly don't want to meet every one of mom or dad's new SO's

A partner in a relationship should be a best friend first and foremost. I see nothing wrong with children meeting the closest friends of their parents. A happy parent who is socialising and having guests around the house is a good roll model. Yes, a gradual process as it would be for any new relationship, but to hide a partner away is to be ashamed or indicate something something is not correct and that will give validation to potential homophobic attitudes.

It is ultimately about the degree of intimacy that is displayed and that is the gradual process as it would be with any new partner of a parent. If the children have had little contact with the new partner it would be unwise to say "Kids, I want you to meet someone I am in love with and they are staying over tonight". That could be disruptive and maybe viewed as an intrusion by the children.

To Rose101 - a big BIG congratulations on your relationship and for your future.

 

[SweetErika]

I agree it'd be best to work with a really good, LGBT-friendly, family therapist before you talk to your kids. Even apart from the sexuality issue, it might be helpful for you and your kids to check in with a sharp therapist regarding the divorce and stress of the life changes you all have been dealing with.

You might also check out some books and supportive organizations/groups (e.g. GLAAD and your nearest LGBT center probably have lots of good resources) on coming out so you have the opportunity to get ideas from multiple sources.

Have your kids met your girlfriend as a "good friend" or similar? Do you all spend time together getting acquainted better and having fun? Perhaps if your kids get to know (and hopefully really like) your gf first, they'll have an easier time accepting the romantic component of your relationship when you tell them.

I'm bi, and while my son is still very young, I've definitely considered how I might introduce a future girlfriend when he's older. I think I'd likely allow him to get to know her as a friend first, and take a gentle-but-honest approach when "coming out". I'd favor explaining that I'm attracted to individual, wonderful people over words like "lesbian" or "gay" -- that's simply the truth, and would be consistent with what we teach our son. Yes, of course at 16 and 18 your kids will connect your f/f relationship with "gay/lesbian", but perhaps focusing on the idea that your gf is simply another person you really care for and are very happy with will make it easier for them to understand and deal with.

You might want to think of potential questions your kids might have/throw at you, and how you could respond to those. For instance, since your daughter is worried about what others may think, come up with some ways to reassure her that you're sensitive to her concerns and you're not going to advertise your relationship to her school, friends, etc. I wouldn't suggest actively hiding your gf/sexuality, but maybe you and your gf can come to a consensus on limiting PDA and such while your kids work on adjusting to this news.

In the end, if you're comfortable, happy and confident with yourself and your relationship(s), your kids will be far more likely to accept and adjust more easily. Get the support you all need to deal with this shift, and I bet it'll all work out in the end, even if it's a tough road with one or both of your kids to start.

 

[Felix_Jones]

I have a gay relative and she's the worst, you lot can have her. Maybe send over some water bottles and a bag of pucks.

 

[BertrandRussell]

The children will follow your lead.

If you make a big deal of it, you are giving your children permission to do so also - possibly in a negative manner.

Do it casually, introduce her to them in the same manner that you would a non-sexual friend. When someone asks "...uhh...mom? Are you two...you know...like..in love?", you answer "Yes, isn't it wonderful?" as if it were the most natural thing in the world.
When the follow-up is "...but...she's a girl!", you answer: "Yep, sweetie, half of the world is."

 

[Cumference]

.....

Suggestions anyone?

Where in the world do you live?
The kids will probably be quite influenced by the reactions they could get from their friends and the rest of society.
(you are in a continuum from "ok, she likes girls, and so what?" to "she must be excommunicated, stoned or raped to cure her for her perversion" depending on where in the world you live).

I agree in "do not make an issue of it". You have a close friend, that grows progressively closer... and that is it.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I agree in "do not make an issue of it". You have a close friend, that grows progressively closer... and that is it.

If you're saying that she should just go on presenting her lover as "close friend" indefinitely, I have to disagree. I've been in a couple of relationships that were presented to the world as "just close friends", and in my experience it's not healthy for the relationship or for the people involved.

Keeping a relationship secret requires countless little acts of erasure. Every time you want to do the little things that lovers do - touch her hand, kiss her goodnight, talk affectionately on the phone with other people in the room - you have to be mindful of who's watching and how much you can afford to express your feelings without them noticing. It fosters feelings of insecurity: if we broke up tomorrow, would there be any sign that this relationship ever existed? Would I be able to tell my kids why I was sad?

Those little things add up - at least for me they do - and it puts a lot of strain on the relationship. It can also harm your relationship with others, if they feel you've been lying to them, and if you treat it like a shameful secret they may follow your lead.

I'm not saying the OP should rush out and tell everybody straight away, but I think it would be better to work towards telling her kids. I'd also encourage her to talk to her girlfriend about this; if there is a need to keep it secret for a while, she'll want to pay extra-careful attention to the health of the relationship.

 

[NightL]

You have a close friend, that grows progressively closer... and that is it.

If you're saying that she should just go on presenting her lover as "close friend" indefinitely, I have to disagree.

Cumference didn't say that

 

[stickygirl]

I like the responses here good and the general consensus to take some advice. Being closer to their age than yours, I'd bear in mind that kids tend to jump at the extremes rather than think about what a relationship actually means to someone over the age of 25! They'll tend to focus on the tokenism "Eeew, Mum's having sex" and then "OMG, what will my friends think ( of me )?"

I'd like to see it as a positive thing for them both: a chance for them to see their Mom as a living human being, full of needs and passion instead of just 'Mom'. It's going to depend on the kind of lifestyle you've had - how open you've been with them or whether you've tried ot shield them by refusing to discuss topics like homosexuality. If you've not talked about homosexuality generally, then maybe take that as a starting point like "You know I never really thought about it before, but why shouldn't I find myself in love with another woman?"

Anyways, good luck: a counsellor first though

 

[Bramblethorn]

Cumference didn't say that

And that's why I had that "if", because I wasn't sure how to interpret "and that is it".

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

If homosexuality were REALLY REALLY OK you wouldnt feel angst about your honey.

I suggest you get OK with it first before youre all loud and proud.

 

[StrayKat]

If homosexuality were REALLY REALLY OK you wouldnt feel angst about your honey.

I suggest you get OK with it first before youre all loud and proud.

Being OK with something doesnt mean being unaware of all the prejudice about it. What about her neighbors, her kids teachers and friends, her family? Do you think if she is OK they will automatically become OK with it too?

Feeling angst means only that she is aware of how the world around her sees homosexuality. Even you should be able to understand that.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Being OK with something doesnt mean being unaware of all the prejudice about it. What about her neighbors, her kids teachers and friends, her family? Do you think if she is OK they will automatically become OK with it too?

Feeling angst means only that she is aware of how the world around her sees homosexuality. Even you should be able to understand that.

I shop at thrift stores, dollar stores, the flea market, and WALMART, I cant care less who has a problem with it. There's always someone not OK with what is. For example, I gave my black grand children photos of my mother in black face (she was a minstrel performer). I'm OK with it, and if they aren't, fuck them. I cant undo the past.

 

[StrayKat]

I shop at thrift stores, dollar stores, the flea market, and WALMART, I cant care less who has a problem with it. There's always someone not OK with what is. For example, I gave my black grand children photos of my mother in black face (she was a minstrel performer). I'm OK with it, and if they aren't, fuck them. I cant undo the past.

But this is not about you and not even about her, this is about her children and children at that age do care what others think and can be affected and scarred by rejection and prejudice.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

But this is not about you and not even about her, this is about her children and children at that age do care what others think and can be affected and scarred by rejection and prejudice.

Then I s'pose the OP's attitude about Gay love is new. There's research that submits females are adaptive when it comes to sex, they can play for any team if its in their best interest. Kids grow up how theyre raised.

 

[stickygirl]

Then I s'pose the OP's attitude about Gay love is new. There's research that submits females are adaptive when it comes to sex, they can play for any team if its in their best interest. Kids grow up how theyre raised.

What research? I'd be grateful for your source

 

[Cumference]

Cumference didn't say that

Thanks

......

I'm not saying the OP should rush out and tell everybody straight away, but I think it would be better to work towards telling her kids. I'd also encourage her to talk to her girlfriend about this; if there is a need to keep it secret for a while, she'll want to pay extra-careful attention to the health of the relationship.

I think we actually agree.

I had a vision on my inner eye, of "coming out" turned into an event.
Kids are normally quite cool, and gradual changes, or simply discovering something new about members of their family is nothing special.
The OP is still the same woman, there are just something they have not known previously.



Adults that suddenly want to change a lot of things, are normally a pest from the kids point of view.

 

[Rose101]

Wow! Thank you all for your replies and advice. I didn't expect such a response and I'll go through it all with a fine toothcomb. Thanks again!

 

[subwannabe]

Maybe I missed it but I didn't see anywhere you mentioned where the kids were living. If they are living with you I would tread extremely lightly. I don't see them handling it to well if you were all to try living together as a happy family. On top of that, your ex may decide to get custody of at least one of the kids to keep them away from that lifestyle. To leave you with some food for thought - is it possible you are in nothing but a rebound relationship and the kids first reaction will be in rolling their eyes? I'm not trying to judge.

 

[Cathleen]

Kids might be cool about lots of stuff but not usually when it's their mom or dad. Ever notice that your friend's parents were usually cooler than yours? (I'm speaking when you were teenage-ery.)

The huge elephant in the Rose's life is the ex-husband's homophobia. The two of them still need to be a team as parents (as best as possible) so his crappy, fucked up attitude needs to be factored into this. Also, if divorced, how long ago was that (she doesn't mention), what are the custody arrangements, how does Rose feel about the ex, how do they deal with the day-to-day parenting issues now, what is the relationship like with their father???? On and on.

Society at large isn't all nice to gay folks -- yet. I witnessed first hand how cruel people can be to others and it broke my heart. Things are getting better but the real world isn't Lit. The real world can be very judgmental and mean. These kids need to be able to handle the assholes they'll encounter -- because they will encounter some. Let's face it, teens only want to be just like their friends -- being different is like having the plague.

Nonetheless the kids well being is priority one. Mom can be happy mom after the kids have both feet on the ground and are ready for more. If the girlfriend doesn't understand there is a need to be cautious then she needs to back off. I can only hope Dad will not set out to make the kids and Rose's life miserable but he certainly may do it, consciously or not.

Rose, I wish you the best on this. Truly it's an important time in all your lives, not to mention daunting.

 

[Cathleen]

But this is not about you and not even about her, this is about her children and children at that age do care what others think and can be affected and scarred by rejection and prejudice.

Absolutely.