Come fuck with my head please.

[Blackie Malone]

Hi. My name is Blackie and I've been emotionally manipulated.

I know, odd way to start but I've been the victim of emotional manipulation for years now, my partner and I are now at the point where its hit the fan because I'm now aware of the ploy.
I am the epitomy of evil at times, the source of all that is wrong and I'm the one that needs to change because I can't see the damage I've done and will do by admitting I'm sick of the shit and things need to change.

I was curious if anyone else is going through something similar ( I know one or two are) or if they have dealt with it and were able to move on?

Is this a new epidemic?

How do you get this monkey of your back and still survive?

and yes, I'm in therapy for all the good it does.
Any opinions, suggestions, stories???

Jewish and Catholic mothers need not apply.

 

[CrimsonMaiden]

Sorry you are having problems.

 

[oggbashan]

I think you need to validate yourself, to appreciate that who you are does not depend on one person's version of their perceived truth.

If you are being constantly diminished by one person then that is abuse that can damage as much as frequent bashes from a fist in the face. Why should you take that?

You need a RL friend who can sympathise and support you while you consider your options.

That's Og's version. No liability accepted. Virtual hugs always available.

Og

 

[cloudy]

Hi. My name is Blackie and I've been emotionally manipulated.

I know, odd way to start but I've been the victim of emotional manipulation for years now, my partner and I are now at the point where its hit the fan because I'm now aware of the ploy.
I am the epitomy of evil at times, the source of all that is wrong and I'm the one that needs to change because I can't see the damage I've done and will do by admitting I'm sick of the shit and things need to change.

Part of the solution is knowing what's going on, so you're almost there, girl.

As I've told you before, we can't control what others say and do, however, we can control how we react to it. That power is yours, and yours alone. Remember that it takes two to have a relationship, and therefore, it takes two to have problems in that relationship. No one is entirely blamess, but then, no one is entirely at fault, either. Work on what you have under your control, and don't worry about the rest, because you can't do anything about his behavior. If I've learned anything, it's that.

Sometimes, not always, but sometimes, when they realize their attempts at manipulation aren't working, they stop. Or, they find something else. Either way, begin long-term planning to get out of the relationship. Easier said than done, I know that, but you can do it, I have faith.

It's destructive, however it plays out, for you to be in that relationship. Change is scary, I know, but look at it as a fresh start, and remember what you've learned.

 

[CharleyH]

And here I thought I was in for the suprise of a new porn niche

I agree with Ogg in many ways. I know it can be particularly trying when at the point of need/want to leave, and there are the but this, but that's . . . I dealt with insanity for five years and am shocked to have come out of it alive. I will tell you this story though:

The day I sent her packing was painful. That night was awful, but when I woke up the next day, I was amazed by the silence, the peace, the relief. I have never looked back . . . although the crazy fuck keeps calling Nonetheless, I never turn back.

Do for you.

 

[ElizabethWest]

When you figure it out, let me know. I think this may have been my problem for years I just didn't realize it. I start therapy this week. Maybe she can figure me out.

Hugs when needed, I'll be here...

 

[Colleen Thomas]

Hi. My name is Blackie and I've been emotionally manipulated.

I know, odd way to start but I've been the victim of emotional manipulation for years now, my partner and I are now at the point where its hit the fan because I'm now aware of the ploy.
I am the epitomy of evil at times, the source of all that is wrong and I'm the one that needs to change because I can't see the damage I've done and will do by admitting I'm sick of the shit and things need to change.

I was curious if anyone else is going through something similar ( I know one or two are) or if they have dealt with it and were able to move on?

Is this a new epidemic?

How do you get this monkey of your back and still survive?

and yes, I'm in therapy for all the good it does.
Any opinions, suggestions, stories???

Jewish and Catholic mothers need not apply.

I'll take a slightly differnt tack than Oggs. Someone needs validation, but insted of trying to validate yourself, sit down & try to validate the manipulators position.

Does he/she admit to being part of the problem? Or is it always your fault? In no relationship between two people is there a guilty party and an inocent. If someone can admit no fault, then they are without doubt, in the wrong.

Does she/she attempt to deal with problems in a rational, organized way? Or is the response to tension simply to blame you? Again, a rational. matuire adult, is going to be able to see there is a problem and will want to rectify it, rather than assigning blame that dosen't require them to be honest with about themselves.

Finally, ask the toughest question. If it's all your fault, if you are so evil, if you are the root cause of all that's bad, why is he/she still there? The answer isn't the kids, it isn't wanting to help, the answer is because you are willing to accept the rationalization that it's all you. He/she has taken years to beat you down to the point where you canbe explotied and he/she isn't willing to leave or let you go, because it would be difficult to find another partner who would allow them to avoid all responsibility and let them pass off all blame.

 

[sigismund]

Hi. My name is Blackie and I've been emotionally manipulated.

I know, odd way to start but I've been the victim of emotional manipulation for years now, my partner and I are now at the point where its hit the fan because I'm now aware of the ploy.
I am the epitomy of evil at times, the source of all that is wrong and I'm the one that needs to change because I can't see the damage I've done and will do by admitting I'm sick of the shit and things need to change.

I was curious if anyone else is going through something similar ( I know one or two are) or if they have dealt with it and were able to move on?

Is this a new epidemic?

How do you get this monkey of your back and still survive?

and yes, I'm in therapy for all the good it does.
Any opinions, suggestions, stories???

Jewish and Catholic mothers need not apply.

Hi, Blackie.

Seeing I can't be sued, I'll give you some professional advice: (I have a degree in psychology and animal husbandry from the University of London, Bombay).

Monkeys can only cling to your back if you're hairy. So the first thing to do is get a shave.

R.D. Laing (or was is k d lang), wrote a book called "Knots", which describes the complicated games we play with each other.

For one reason another, you want out of the blame game you and your partner are currently playing. Your "Jewish/Catholic" quip implies, as you obviously know, that you're playing guilt games on each other. Possibly you are playing "You started it", a popular game amoung married couples. It goes like this.

Stop fucking other men.
I dont. It's you, you're fucking other women.
I dont. Well it was just once, and it wasn't fucking, it was cyber. Besides, you started it.
That was twenty years ago, get over it. Besides, we weren't even married.
We were, technically. Anyway, you know it's just playing around. You never play around.
So, you want me to play around, to make you feel less guilty?
You don't love me.
No, it's you that doesn't love me.
Yes I do. You never let me show you. I have a great capacity for love.
But you can't show it to me.
Becasue you'll reject me.
How do I reject you?
By fucking other men.
I dont. It's you, you're fucking other women.
I dont. Well it was just once, and it wasn't fucking, it was cyber. Besides, you started it.

 

[Guest]

 

[logophile]

Blackie, I know what you're going through.

At least the emotional blackmail part. I don't think the vibe was ever that I was evil, but that may be due to some other factors. He was 10 years older than me. He was the oldest child in his family and I was the youngest. I have a strong need to please everyone, even to the point of mistreating myself in the process. If he showed any resistance to me, my career, my ideas, my emotional needs, I just tidied everything up so that he wouldn't have to deal with any of it.

I bore the emotional brunt of every crisis and took care of everything. I never asked for what I needed because he made it clear that I wouldn't be able to get it anyway and it was easier to pretend that I didn't need anything. When it was absolutely necessary that he step in and take care of something (like when I hemorrhaged after our last baby and was on bedrest for 2 weeks), he did the bare minimum and I was GRATEFUL to him. Also, I would feel enormous guilt for not being able to handle it myself.

Your question was:
I was curious if anyone else is going through something similar ( I know one or two are) or if they have dealt with it and were able to move on?

Personally, I wasn't able to stay with him to deal with it. I just wasn't strong enough. I had to leave. It was never what I wanted to do, when I got married I really meant that it would last forever. But I was lost in that marriage. When I was finally able to see my relationship with him as a series of emotional neglects and abuses, it made it a little easier.

In the weeks before I told him that I was leaving, I told my therapist how guilty I felt for leaving repeatedly. She called me a few hours before "the big talk" and gave me a coping strategy to keep my focus. She said:

It's easier to leave when you're being pushed around or hit. Then it's visible and tangible. So when he protests your leaving, look in the mirror and see what he's done. Imagine that the time he wouldn't take time off work to help you when you had two herniated disks is a black eye. And the time he dropped the kids off to you when you were hospitalized so he could go to work is a fat lip. And when he moved the family across the midwest when you were pregnant and dangerously anemic and then provided you with no help setting up the new house or helping the kids adjust, that's a split on your cheek. If you can let yourself see it, it will be easier.

I'm not advocating that anyone leave their relationship, but being able to make emotional abuse visible may well give you strength to fight for yourself and make the changes necessary to be happy.

Good luck (and sorry if this rambles a bit!).

 

[minsue]

 

[Guest]

 

[impressive]

Refuse to play that game. Give 'im an "I'm on to your game and refuse to play anymore." In so doing, his emotional power over you is vanquished.

Kinda like cloudy said. We can only control OUR OWN actions and reactions.

I'm here if ya need me, love.

 

[Blackie Malone]

Thank you all for your responses.

I just needed to know I wasn't alone. You all have such great advice.
I know what I have to do, it's just taking that first step...you know the completely scary one.

Og, I have two absolutley wonderful friends here that have been my unofficial online therapists, my intervention squad and my biggest support. (Thanks girls, you know I love you more than chocolate!)

I'm hoping this thread may help some others too.

 

[logophile]

Thank you all for your responses.

I just needed to know I wasn't alone. You all have such great advice.
I know what I have to do, it's just taking that first step...you know the completely scary one.

Og, I have two absolutley wonderful friends here that have been my unofficial online therapists, my intervention squad and my biggest support. (Thanks girls, you know I love you more than chocolate!)

I'm hoping this thread may help some others too.

I hope it will as well. It's a shit place to be. Thanks for starting this and let us know how you're doing...

 

[TheEarl]

Thank you all for your responses.

I just needed to know I wasn't alone. You all have such great advice.
I know what I have to do, it's just taking that first step...you know the completely scary one.

Og, I have two absolutley wonderful friends here that have been my unofficial online therapists, my intervention squad and my biggest support. (Thanks girls, you know I love you more than chocolate!)

I'm hoping this thread may help some others too.

Blackie: My sister went out with a fuckwit for a little who managed to convince her that everything was her fault, that she needed him and wouldn't be able to do anything without him there. Thankfully it didn't last long and I think the reason for that was that she had a lot of friends to whom she'd repeat his words and get told "That's bollocks."

I'd take all of the things that he's said which have made you feel bad or worthless and repeat them to your wonderful friends. I'll bet you a fiver that they'll inform you just how much out of his arse he was talking. You may know it, but it'll help a lot to hear it.

The Earl

 

[rgraham666]

Can't say anything that others here have said.

Here for you sweetie. Mail, PM or whatever. If I'm available, I'll do what I can to help.

 

[rgraham666]

And regarding the epidemic part. It's always been so.

In spite of we humans ability to talk, we generally don't communicate so good. Not even with ourselves. Too often we don't know who or what we are. We wind up looking for others to validate us. To anchor us in the world.

The problem there is we become what others want, not what we are.

And too many relationships become relationships of power rather than relationships of support and affection. The latter is something that can grow infinitely. The latter is a zero-sum game where there is a winner and a loser. The latter is not fun, even for the winner. The joy of 'winning', in my mind, can't make up for the misery all around.

Connected to this is what Erich Fromme pointed out about SM relationships. It's a matter of weak ego. The sadist has a weak ego and strengthens it by absorbing the masochist's ego. The masochist strengthens theirs by being absorbed.

This works, after a fashion, but it ain't very healthy. Doesn't work at all if only one side has a weak ego.

Just random thoughts.

 

[Guest]

Just random thoughts.

Just non-random quote.

 

[mismused]

Hi. My name is Blackie and I've been emotionally manipulated.

I know, odd way to start but I've been the victim of emotional manipulation for years now, my partner and I are now at the point where its hit the fan because I'm now aware of the ploy.
I am the epitomy of evil at times, the source of all that is wrong and I'm the one that needs to change because I can't see the damage I've done and will do by admitting I'm sick of the shit and things need to change.

I was curious if anyone else is going through something similar ( I know one or two are) or if they have dealt with it and were able to move on?

Is this a new epidemic?

How do you get this monkey of your back and still survive?

and yes, I'm in therapy for all the good it does.
Any opinions, suggestions, stories???

Jewish and Catholic mothers need not apply.

=================================================

It is the easiest of things to do, and the hardest.

It is easy because the facts are known.

It is that hardest because we have "developed" an image, idea, of who, what we are, but can't see that we've had more than an extra dolop of help in doing that.

Knowledge will do it for you, but you have to set yourself to accept what is there, what you seem to be learning.

I did it, and it took ages, but I had no help. Uh, I'm still doing it, but I've "accepted," and that makes my road, finally, easier to traverse.

PM is you're interested further. This is not something to take lightly, nor to delve into on this site. Knowledge is insidious, but insidious need not mean "bad" as we generally use the term.

I feel for you, and hope and pray that what you do will bring you the freedom of self you wish for.

mismused

 

[Blackie Malone]

=================================================

Knowledge will do it for you, but you have to set yourself to accept what is there, what you seem to be learning.

Knowledge is power, it's just in knowing how to use it properly. Thanks Mis.

 

[elsol]

If the emotional abuser is male... talk about how much you admire Lorena Bobbit.

He won't be able to get to the door fast enough.

Sincerely,
ElSol

 

[Blackie Malone]

If the emotional abuser is male... talk about how much you admire Lorena Bobbit.

He won't be able to get to the door fast enough.

Sincerely,
ElSol

I like yer thinkin.

 

[scheherazade_79]

I took 4 years of it - always doubting myself, wondering if I was being unreasonable and putting up with way more crap than any person should. I kept being sucked in closer, then having the door slammed in my face, then being sucked in closer, then having the door slammed in my face ad infinitum. It started to take its toll on me. I kept making sacrifices, spent thousands over the years flying out to the States to bail her out of situations, only to be told when I got there that she'd been messing around with someone else. I could live with the loss of money, but I couldn't live with what it was doing to my head.

Breaking it off was the best thing I ever did. I felt that peace, that calm, that silence - despite the fact that I cried for about a week solid. Suddenly my life started coming back together again. It was almost as though I came close to losing myself through all the mind games.

It sounds selfish, but sometimes you have to put yourself first before a relationship destroys who you are and what you're about.

 

[LadyJeanne]

Breaking it off was the best thing I ever did. I felt that peace, that calm, that silence - despite the fact that I cried for about a week solid. Suddenly my life started coming back together again. It was almost as though I came close to losing myself through all the mind games.

It sounds selfish, but sometimes you have to put yourself first before a relationship destroys who you are and what you're about.

Your words speak to me, dearest. We do lose ourselves when we put others first and those others also put themselves first. Why is it that some of us need to be reminded to put ourselves first? A lot of people don't seem to need that reminder - they never put anyone else first.


Edited cause I can't think today. Does any of that even make any sense?