collaring

[caspai]

I haven't posted to this board, but I have some questions, and I hope that you understand that this is important to me. I ask it in all honesty, and hope that you all will answer it as honestly as you can.

What does a collar mean to you within your relationships? Is it important? Is it necessary? Is it more than just a symbol, or a "hands off" to other Dom/mes? Would you be willing to go without one, and if so, why or why not?

As I said, this is an honest question, one that is very important to me. Thank you.

~Cas

 

[artful]

First of all,...

Cas,...I am so happy to see you POSTING in this forum. I will address your question on my NEXT post! X 12 to you!

 

[caspai]

*kisses to Art*

Thanks bunches, sweetie, and hey, only two days and counting.....

 

[Daddyslilpet]

Well Cas.... I can only answer for what collars mean to me.

So here goes...I wear a "collar" everyday as a symbol of my devotion to my Master. This isn't what everyone would recognize as a slave collar. We have to practice discretion. My everyday "collar" is actualy a necklace that Master picked out, and only He and I know what it means. He was the one to place this "collar" on me for the first time, and with it I promise to be faithful to Him only, serve Him only.

There is another collar that we use during scenes, that is much more like a slave collar. However, to me...my everyday "collar" means so much more.

I hope this answers your question. And as I said this is what it means to me. Do I feel the need for a collar? Well the answer to that is no I don't feel a need for a collar. I just enjoy knowing that what I wear everyday means something to us.

dixi

 

[caspai]

Thank you for your answer, dixi. I appreciate teh time you took to do so.

~Cas

 

[artful]

I haven't posted to this board, but I have some questions, and I hope that you understand that this is important to me. I ask it in all honesty, and hope that you all will answer it as honestly as you can.

What does a collar mean to you within your relationships? Is it important? Is it necessary? Is it more than just a symbol, or a "hands off" to other Dom/mes? Would you be willing to go without one, and if so, why or why not?

As I said, this is an honest question, one that is very important to me. Thank you.

~Cas

I am one of the *WEIRD* ones, and may be ostracized for my statements,...but what the hell,...it's ME, and I'm not hiding.

To me,...there are two types of collars, the R/W collars and the FANTASY collars. Fantasy is JUST that,...an IMAGINED something. It can still be used as a symbol of whatever two people agree to it's meaning.

R/W is another matter, and cymbidia, along with many others, can give you a better qualified opinion as to what it means to them than I can.

I have never been ACTIVE in a R/W community,...and this BDSM Forum,(community), is my only experience
with a GROUP.

I have never COLLARED anyone in the R/W but,...I once BABTISED a woman to ME,...in REAL LIFE. We were in a TPE, (Total Power Exchange), relationship for over 5 years.

When Dream arrives here,(Aug 9 th), to visit me for a few days, I FULLY expect to *collar* her at
some point, and to US, it will have a CLEARLY understood meaning.

It WILL be a "Training Collar", and I fully intend
to replace it LATER with a "TPE" Collar.

To answer your question, in MY opinion it is simply symbolic, as with wedding rings. It is a FORM of identification,and depending on the people
who engage in the practice, can represent a full range of committment, from meaning little,...to an
agreed upon TPE.

(jmho),...but it's mine,...and I own it.

 

[lilredwolph]

i have been collared twice, both times it was by the same Dom(10 years apart). both times we did not use a collar i was given a ring , both rings were gold and had 5 marquie cut sapphires, totally differant settings but the basics were the same. gold rings were picked because i wear collars normally and all my jewerly is silver - so gold rings just made sense to us.

the ring was a promise between us.

 

[caspai]

Thanks for the answer, Art, and knowing Dream, everything will be worked out to her satisfaction before it goes forward. Thank you for your time.

~Cas

 

[caspai]

The rings sound beautiful. What did they mean to you, though? Would you have continued as a sub to the Dom/mes in question without them?

 

[lilredwolph]

yes i would continue, i was with him the first time for 2 years before i was "collared" i stayed collared for 3 years then i served another 2 years uncollared after that we had some big time trouble and we split and didn't speak for 7 years

we started rebuilding our relationship i served 1 year before i was collared again but it only lasted 7 months but we stayed in the relationship with the understanding that it was to early for me to be collared

what it means to me/us is a promise of forever, love & devotion, basically the same as an engagement or wedding ring in a 'nilla relationship

 

[caspai]

Thank you for your candor.

 

[MsWorthy]

I haven't posted to this board, but I have some questions, and I hope that you understand that this is important to me. I ask it in all honesty, and hope that you all will answer it as honestly as you can.

What does a collar mean to you within your relationships? Is it important? Is it necessary? Is it more than just a symbol, or a "hands off" to other Dom/mes? Would you be willing to go without one, and if so, why or why not?

As I said, this is an honest question, one that is very important to me. Thank you.

~Cas

Is it important?
A collar is very significant to me and carries a huge weight of responsibility/commitment in our relationship. The collar she accepted from me and wears daily (it is taken off only to be cleaned) is more important to me than the marriage commitment, because even though being married carries a commitment to love, honor, and stick it out - in my mind, the collar carries more responsibility because it symbolizes her agreement/promise to submit to me.

This can be a much more difficult task. We have all seen married couples who can't stand each other, cheat on each other, and stay together for the kids/money/status. But accepting my collar means that no matter how discouraged/frustrated/tired of me she may become, she can not refuse to submit to me, unless she wants to remove the collar and revoke her promise. It also means that I must understand her needs, work to meet them, and do all that I can (whether I feel like it or not) to ensure that submitting to me is no more difficult than is absolutely necessary.

Not only does it keep you on your toes to make sure she is as happy as you are, it symbolizes a deeper and much more serious promise to keep the power exchange the focus of our relationship. This is meets our needs, as a couple, and as individuals.

Is it necessary?

No, the collar wasn't necessary for us in the beginning, the marriage commitment was enough. It is now; perhaps more for me than for her. (I will have to ask her that question)

Is it more than just a symbol, or a "hands off" to other Dom/mes?

It symbolizes our commitment to keep the power exchange our focus. The "hands-off" would be a nice side-effect if it was needed and if others understood what her collar symbolizes, but neither of those are needed in our circumstances.

Would you be willing to go without one, and if so, why or why not?

At this point in our relationship, I could go without it but would lose much (perceived value) if I had to. I wouldn't like to predict the outlook for our relationship without it, but would I leave her if she wanted to revoke her promise to submit to me? No, I wouldn't.

 

[caspai]

Thank You very much for your insights, and for your time.

 

[Kuurspet]

What does a collar mean to you within your relationships? Is it important? Is it necessary? Is it more than just a symbol, or a "hands off" to other Dom/mes? Would you be willing to go without one, and if so, why or why not?

When I first started out in the business world, the symbols were extremely important to me - the office, the business cards, the titles. After 20 years, it's the job itself that takes the most important role.

Collars were the same way for me. The first time I met my master, after 4 months of a LDR, he made his verbal commitment to me, questioned me about mine to see if I was sure, and understood we were talking and planning about a lifetime, and then he put his collar around my neck. It was a visible symbol of our commitment, and both the concept and the physical collar meant so much.

Fast forward 7 years. We've added multiple collars to the collection (because I just can't resist a pretty one). He has had my shoulder tatooed with the Japanese character for slave, and my thigh tatooed with the letter K (for us, as in kajira - it's a Gor thing; for the world, as in my name). We've gotten married, so we've got the wedding ring. The collar doesn't seem to matter anymore - it's the relationship, like the job, that's important.

Likewise, as a new submissive, and a bit unsure, when we would go out to clubs or parties, I was more comfortable with the collar as a visible display of ownership. I still like it - but don't need to fall back upon it for some imagined protection. My nasty temper and sarcasm do me just fine!

K

 

[cymbidia]

I've really really tried not to post to this thread because this question, this issue, is one of my very obvious hot spots, those places at which i often diverge from many in my thinking, at least many these days. However, it's taunting me, this topic, and so here are my thoughts. Feel free to discount them if you wish but i will not be drawn into any unpleasantness over them. They are just and only my personal thoughts and opinions on this subject, and i'm as free to post them as is anyone else to post their personal opinions.

What does a collar mean to you within your relationships?

In my mind, in my life, there are different kinds of collars.

#1. There is one for play, onto which stuff (chains and lengths of leather, for example) are attached to heighten the bondage/submission/play experience. We've all (probably) got experience with these kinds of collars. They're a basic part of a toy box.

#2. There is another kind of collar, though, which holds the entirety of the BDSM D/s bond in its length. In this one is invest the essence of who i am to my partner and who they are to me. It's a collar of love and loyalty and an agreement to abide by the bonds of dominance and submission...forever. This kind of collar is more serious, more binding, than are marriage vows. Its being offered and acceptance should be a thing of stunning rarity in anyone's life.

3. The third kind of collar is that pukey distasteful artifact that didn't exist before the advent of online BDSM-style chat rooms, that which we know as a "velcro collar". It pretends to be the same collar that i spoke of in my second example but isn't, cannot be, will never be. The reason? BDSM is not a spectator sport. It's not a thing (in my mind) that can be done at long distances forever. It's not a thing we do alone, to stories, to images in our minds. It's a thing of shared heat, skin-to-skin style. Velcro collars are as much an abomination to the concept of real BDSM collars (go ahead - take shots at me for that phrase) as are child pornographers who cruise elementary schools scoping out kids walking home alone to people who see that kid walking home alone and care, honestly, that it's raining and the kid is getting wet and lives next door anyway - so why not give them a ride.

#4. There are different kinds of so-called "training collars", too, i suppose, but i've never played that game and am not going to start now. Someone who knows about those can elaborate on them, if they feel called to do so.

Is it important? Is it necessary?

A collar is important in direct relation to how much you value it and for what reason.

There are those who want to get married; they don't really care who they marry or anything much past the fact that they get married within some time frame. (Yes. It is true. I saw them all over the place when i was in college.) In a like manner, there are those who just want a collar, even if it's essentially meaningless from an emotional perspective. It's the symbol of acceptance/recognition/kinkiness/belonging/whatever that's of overriding importance.

Bottom line: if wearing a collar - for whatever reason - means a lot to you, then it's necessary and important. You might want to ask yourself why, though, the symbol seems to be overriding the reality of the relationship - if, indeed, it is.

Is it more than just a symbol, or a "hands off" to other Dom/mes?

I've never in my entire life thought of a collar as a "hands off" to other dominants. Is this an online thing? In real life, out there in the world, in a skin-to-skin kinda environment, no one knows if you're collared unless you make it known.

Would you be willing to go without one, and if so, why or why not?

I wouldn't consider taking a collar like that in example #2, above, at all until, unless, i was ready to cleave unto my dominant forever. I don't take collars and collaring lightly. Never have. Never will. To me, they have meaning and majesty and are the ultimate tangible symbol of the deeply, monumentally important, emotional and psychological union between a dominant and a submissive.

 

[caspai]

Cymbidia, thank you very much for the thought that you have put into the response. I am not in any way offended by your comments. I ask the questions because I want to learn, for no other reason. I am not posting this as any kind of political thing, or to stir anything up. I am not collared, never have been. I ask because I want to learn. You have given me a great deal to think about, and I thank you very much for doing so.

~Cas

 

[artful]

Re: Re: collaring

I've really really tried not to post to this thread because this question, this issue, is one of my very obvious hot spots, those places at which i often diverge from many in my thinking, at least many these days.

<snip>

In my mind, in my life, there are different kinds of collars.

cym,...thanks for another wonderful post.

 

[Shadowsdream]

collaring..

(A collar is important in direct relation to how much you value it and for what reason. )

I use training collars in every training I do. I state clearly that a training collar is a far cry from a Formal Collar.

Dress collars for BDSM events? I own many of them as I enjoy the beauty of a collared throat.

BUT

A formal collar is the ultimate committment to Me. Responsibility that should last a lifetime. I get in Bitch Mode extremely quickly when I hear about velcro collars or subs being collared in the beginning of RL relationships...it weakens the seriousness and the depth to Me. A collar is earned ..both the giving and the receiving.

My toy came to Me almost begging to be collared...month after month after month. It was two years later before I knew it was right for U/us. Today it has meaning. Each time I lock the thick rubber collar around his throat he whimpers with his joy. I feel his gift of submission and My gift of Domination to him. If I had of collared him when he asked for it, the collaring would have been symbolic for him and a lie for Me.


Not as deep as I would like to have spoken about My feelings but I may return later to rethink outloud.

Good thread topic

 

[caspai]

Every response has given me a greater understanding of the meaning of a collar. I want to thank every person who has posted to this thread, and look forward to reading more of the responses. Thank you all for being so honest in your responses.

~Cas

 

[RisiaSkye]

Ooh, stirring up some switch political gripes here...

I have a somewhat different relationship to collars than perhaps anyone else that's "spoken" here, because my husband and I are both switch. As in most things D/s, collars and how they are spoken of tend to exclude the Switch.

We were together eight years before collaring ever entered into the discussion and then our lives, at least in a way that went emotionally deeper than play collars--bondage toys and emblems of the scene.

To this day, we have only one collar, and it binds the two of us. It hangs, forever, in a secret place. And it only comes out on very special occasions, where its wearing marks a recommittment to our bonds--the bonds that hold us together as a marriage, as a partnership, and as a unique D/s relationship.

Our life and its D/s components is/are one in which TPE cannot take the form it does for most, so collaring can't either. I am his exactly as he is mine, and the collar that we share is in that way more binding and more real that wedding rings we exchanged. I don't know how to better explain it, and I apologize for a rather unhelpful post.

 

[caspai]

Unhelpful? I think that is one of the most beautiful things I have ever read. I am sitting here with tears in my eyes. From my soul and my heart, thank you for making that post.

~Cas

 

[cellis]

It is a year this month that Himself first wrote to me. It will a year in October that we have been together. We have not really talked about collars much.

It is not that we lack a commitment to each other. We have play collars. And I find myself sometimes buying jewelry because I know the effect on Himself and how he will react.

There will be a collar someday. I love him and he loves me. When the time comes, it will mean everything.

 

[Rick DeVille]

Collars are like trust, both should not be given lightly

 

[Guest]

 

[Guest]

And so it should