collar of Consideration, Training collar, final or slave collar

[eastern sun]

for me a collar represents ownership (and need not involve a physical collar at all), and nothing else. therefore i am either owned, or i am not. i am single and free, or under someone's complete control and authority. there is no in-between. i've never understood the "stages" view of relationships of any sort. perhaps because i am a more logical/analytical sort. something is, or it is not. i cannot relate to the process of meeting someone and wondering whether or not they would make a suitable sex partner, mate, Master or anything else. i just live, and whatever is meant to be, will be, without human interference, staging and planning.

for the same reasons i do not in any way comprehend the vanilla process of "dating." you are basically reducing what is supposed to be a higher, deeply meaningful and purposeful connection with another human being to a series of job interviews. freaky.

In my opinion, the kind of relationship where these collars come into play is significantly different than the relationship you have with your Daddy or that I have with my husband, where there may not be a physical collar at all, and it is either on or off.

In my experience, this kind of graduated process lends itself well to relationships that are specifically oriented around S/m sexual practices. There is a kind of measuring and testing of each other that takes place as you move towards more extreme physical activities. Because it isn't framed in the familiar terms of a romantic or nurturing relationship (though it can have romantic and nurturing qualities), there's a more calculated or anaytical quality to its development. And the collars are just physical symbols of that move towards trust and commitment.

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

I understand your feelings BiaTcHiNFirRe. I had a similar "maybe" relationship in my first sexual relationship that went on far too long for the good of my self-esteem.

In my opinion, if a collar of consideration hasn't turned into a training collar within a few months, or been discarded altogether, there's a pretty good indication that power games of the "not fun" and potentially damaging kind will be a major part of the relationship. I don't know many people who thrive in those relationships.

But that's also why I think that first stage of the relationship is such an important "maybe" stage for the submissive as well. It's an opportunity to get to know how the dominant relates to people before you've made a more serious (and potentially long-term) commitment. It also precedes any "training" period which can involve significant psychological and physical investment. I've seen a lot of people start to make that investment long before there's any certainty that the other is going to stick around long enough to see the outcome. Then you get all these lost "subs" whose "doms" have suddenly upped and disappeared on them. Or disappointed "doms" whose "subs" just didn't prove to be "real."

As a friend recently said to me, "a lot of people talk the talk." Only time and experience will demonstrate where "the walk" will actually take you.

I know what you mean and I think on the begining of a relationship we all considering our PYL/partner. It's normal process of the getting know each other. What bothers me about the "collar of consideration" is that once I decide to accept someones collar, it's like telling them "Here I am, I am all yours" and I just cannot see myself showing someone so deep commitment without them doing the very same thing for me!

 

[SimonBrooke]

How many subscribe to the graduated levels of collaring?

H'mmm...

I hadn't thought of it that way. But in my toy box at present there are two collars. One has a particular plaything's name on it, and one doesn't. The plaything with the named collar is coming to visit on Thursday, and she will wear that collar. The unnamed collar is for 'anyone else', but at present there is only one 'anyone else' that I'm playing with. I will soon get a third collar which will have that someone else's name on it...

I suppose you might say the unnamed collar is a 'collar of consideration', although I hadn't thought of it that way. A named collar certainly represents a degree of commitment. And at some stage I would like to get just one of my playthings a locking titanium collar to which I will keep the key. That, I suppose, will be a 'final collar'...

But, as I say, I hadn't really thought about it like that.

 

[SimonBrooke]

What bothers me about the "collar of consideration" is that once I decide to accept someones collar, it's like telling them "Here I am, I am all yours" and I just cannot see myself showing someone so deep commitment without them doing the very same thing for me!

OK, listen to the other side of that. Again, it's something I'm going through just now. I'm not preaching this, or saying it's a good thing. I'm experimenting. So far, it seems to be working.

I have, as I inferred in my previous post, two current active playthings. They each know about one another, and have exchanged email. I've asked one of them to be exclusive to me until May. She knows full well that I am not going to be exclusive to her - that I am also playing with my other plaything.

I think that for both of us the fact that this is asymmetric - that I've demanded of her a commitment that I'm not offering to make in return - is an expression of our power exchange, is something which has erotic charge for both of us in and of itself.

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

OK, listen to the other side of that. Again, it's something I'm going through just now. I'm not preaching this, or saying it's a good thing. I'm experimenting. So far, it seems to be working.

I have, as I inferred in my previous post, two current active playthings. They each know about one another, and have exchanged email. I've asked one of them to be exclusive to me until May. She knows full well that I am not going to be exclusive to her - that I am also playing with my other plaything.

I think that for both of us the fact that this is asymmetric - that I've demanded of her a commitment that I'm not offering to make in return - is an expression of our power exchange, is something which has erotic charge for both of us in and of itself.

Yeah I understand and I know theres people for whom this work. I am not saying these 3 collars are bad thing or anything like that. It's just in my case this kind of collar would push really really bad buttons. But thats just me, I am weird this way lol.


I was thinking why I was smiling so much when I saw your post and then I saw you are from Scotland just like my A. so thats must be why!!!

 

[ChucklesNLovin]

Contract and Collar signify the Start...

I appreciate all of your points of view, as I work through my own thoughts on BDSM, the D/s lifestyle and submissive collars. I have an "Ametuer" idea regarding Collars and Contracts and will share them here, if permitted.

I have only recently been intriqued/obsessed by the BDSM and D/s lifestyle (One reference says they are separate) and have emersed myself into researching them both. For various reasons, I don't think a complete BDSM or D/s lifestyle will work for my lady, or myself.

What I am interested in is Scene based D/s and Switching. From what I have read sofar, D/s is all or nothing and Switching is "taboo" within the D/s community. If I offended anyone by suggesting that it could be "just as good" for one hour, I apologize in advance, it is not my intention to demean or downplay your committment. To be honest, I envy your comittment between Dom and sub (still can't figure out the "/" thing). As for switching, there are times where she wants to let go and trust me to take control. Other times, that's me. I apologize for kicking up so much Taboo Dust (Kinda like Pixie dust, but without the high).

To the point... If/when we participate in our first Power Transfer, I am considering making a Scene Specific "Verbal Contract", and a "Ritualistic Collaring" part of the foreplay. We will decide who wears the collar and the sub will create a safe word. The Collar will go on and from that point on, she (or i) submit and the scene starts.

If you care to comment, go easy on me, this is all new to me. And remember, a true 24/7 D/s lifestyle is not in the cards for us (just yet). We do , however, have a level of trust between us (after 19 years) that allows us to be very open to sexual experimentation and personal growth. Hopefully a little Power Transfer can become normal in our Playtime.

Just my thoughts as a "virgin" to the Forum and as an outsider.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Chuckles, you have my vote. When I play, if there is a collar-- and there often is because I love to lock them or be locked into one-- it goes on for the duration of the scene and comes off at the end. Sometimes with much regret.

I think that whatever community you've been talking to has a finger up its nose.

That said, it's possible that you've been talking to individuals that subscribe as you say, and possibly-- probably-- individuals who can't stomach any deviance from their personal norms. But they are individuals, not representatives of THE COMMYOONITEEE-- which in many sense does not exist anyway.

 

[FungiUg]

If you care to comment, go easy on me, this is all new to me. And remember, a true 24/7 D/s lifestyle is not in the cards for us (just yet).

Keep in mind that D/s, BDSM, etc... they're all stuff made up by people. Oh sure, we find things that work, but the only hard-and-fast rules are around what works for you. So a "true lifestyle" is the lifestyle that works for you. Don't try to live up to other people's ideals, as they're not you.

We do , however, have a level of trust between us (after 19 years) that allows us to be very open to sexual experimentation and personal growth. Hopefully a little Power Transfer can become normal in our Playtime.

That's the stuff.

 

[lance1969]

my teacher, showed me her ways.. and yes she had three collars. first was training.. a notice that when they had it on , they were the sub.. it was a cat collar she would buy.. second was half way into training.. a wrist cuff .. to guide and get them used to being subdued . good for parties for a beginning sub.. then the thick leather choker, collar.. after training done.. as far as contracts.. I do get them .. even after 20 some years.. I get them legal, from notary. this protects both parties in case five years down teh line they say I abused them.. people it happens..

 

[Dyslexicea]

my teacher, showed me her ways.. and yes she had three collars. first was training.. a notice that when they had it on , they were the sub.. it was a cat collar she would buy.. second was half way into training.. a wrist cuff .. to guide and get them used to being subdued . good for parties for a beginning sub.. then the thick leather choker, collar.. after training done.. as far as contracts.. I do get them .. even after 20 some years.. I get them legal, from notary. this protects both parties in case five years down teh line they say I abused them.. people it happens..

And your contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. If the contract has anything to do with abuse, consensual or not, it is not a legal contract nor would any contract which enslaved one person to another or to a group of people be legal in the United States. As a matter of fact even if your partner agreed at one time to abuse, which of course I'm not saying consensual BDSM is abuse, but it is how the law could, most likely would, be applied, says that she/he said no, you could be prosecuted for abuse and if she/he had the proof you would be prosecuted for abuse.

As far as your contract goes, if I was the prosecuting attorney, although I could find a thousand reasons for it not being entered into evidence, I would surely allow it to be entered. On the other hand if I was the defense attorney I would never reveal the existed of such a contract to the court.

A contract between people in this lifestyle merely formalizes a commitment between those people, it is not a legal contract. Anyone who advises you differently lives in a dream world.

 

[celestialdragon]

I have never had a collar in any of my D/s relationships, We never really saw a need for it, since it was one of those things that was implied in our relationship that I was only one person's.

My fiance's engagement ring is just as symbolic as a collar, it's just a little more portable and most people don't ask questions about it

 

[Kim_Burly]

I think if it has meaning for you, then it's wonderful. I have my engagement ring to Sir for everyone to see and my piercings are for just him. When we get married he will mark me with his tattoo on my left breast and I'm hoping he will then brand me . He hasn't said no yet,so I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Anyhow, these symbols have meaning to us and if collars work for you that's great. The only problem there is that I couldn't wear them out. This winter I wore a very exciting outfit to a leather bar in Chicago, but I ended up wearing Sir's coat because like 10 people tried to take pictures, Sir nearly punched one guy who got right in my face and tried to take a picture of my boobs. Neither one of us can afford for that to show up on the internet.

I tried wearing a BDSM necklace but I didn't make it through the day before several people asked "Do you know what that symbol is for?" To one woman in a store I said yes and smiled at her, she gave me a great smile back and is always very nice when I go into her store. I played dumb with the two men that commented.

Sir wants to take me to Germany over the summer, where he says the S&M clubs are the best in the world and people are discreet. Of course it has to be a family vacation, but he says his family will take good care of my kids while we do a side trip or two.

Maybe you are more liberated than me, but for the most part we have to be pretty low key. I have noticed that his German colleagues are more blasé about the whole thing.

 

[Kim_Burly]

I'm back to state the obvious, symbols are more important to us women than men. I long to be marked as his, but he won't wear a wedding ring (I understand and don't care). So are symbols more important to the submissive partner. Do some Dom or Dommes like symbols too? I also wonder do Dominant men not wear wedding rings, that's my observation, at least. Please keep in mind I don't mean to be offensive and insult anyone. I am fascinated by this topic, but I have to run.

 

[SirVPL]

Collars

There r also Protection collars as well