Christmas time

[omahaman2]

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
Pre- Chris tmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed
Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out,
Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the
toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of
rum.. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all
the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally
dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces
all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice
had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door,
yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Chris tmas
tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Chris tmas, Santa. Isn't this a
lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to
stick it?'


And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
tree.

 

[omahaman2]

http://www.puffun.com/xmasimages/chatnoel.jpg

 

[omahaman2]

http://lc.fdots.com/cc/lc/b7/b780503e8ce09595c3fd7e4134224fc7.gif

 

[omahaman2]

Christmas joke-- If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he/she be called? A subordinate claus

 

[Daizie]

It's Christmas time and everyone is feeling Merry.



Merry's getting a little tired of it....

 

[Daizie]

Little Johnny's Christmas

A Little Johnny went to sit on Santa's lap, and Santa asked him what he wanted for Christmas.

Little Johnny answered, "A damn swingset in the backyard."

"Excuse me?" said Santa.

"I want a damn swingset in my backyard," repeated Little Johnny.

Santa said, "You'll have to ask nicer if you want Santa to bring you something. Let's try again. What else do you want?"

Little Johnny answered, "A damn sandbox for the side yard."

"You have to ask politely! One more time. What else do you want for Christmas?"

Little Johnny thought for a minute, then said, "I want a damn trampoline in the front yard."

Santa sighed and set Little Johnny off his lap. "I'm sorry son, I can't give anything to someone who talks like you do. I'm not bringing you anything for Christmas."

Santa then called Johnny's parents over and told them what had happened. They apologized profusely, saying they didn't understand why he talked like that, and they had been trying to break him of the habit with no luck.

"I know how to stop it," Santa said. "Don't get him anything for Christmas. Just get some dog doo. Put a pile of dog doo in the backyard where he wants the swingset, another pile in the side yard where he wants the sandbox, and another pile in the front yard where he wants the trampoline. That will break him of it."

The parents agreed.

Christmas morning the kid heads downstairs to open their presents. Johnny runs out the back door, looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the side door, looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the front door, looks around, and
comes back in, looking upset.

"What's wrong, son?" asked his father. "What did Santa bring you?"

Little Johnny answered, "He brought me a damn dog, but I can't find him!"

 

[omahaman2]

Little Johnny's Christmas

A Little Johnny went to sit on Santa's lap, and Santa asked him what he wanted for Christmas.

Little Johnny answered, "A damn swingset in the backyard."

"Excuse me?" said Santa.

"I want a damn swingset in my backyard," repeated Little Johnny.

Santa said, "You'll have to ask nicer if you want Santa to bring you something. Let's try again. What else do you want?"

Little Johnny answered, "A damn sandbox for the side yard."

"You have to ask politely! One more time. What else do you want for Christmas?"

Little Johnny thought for a minute, then said, "I want a damn trampoline in the front yard."

Santa sighed and set Little Johnny off his lap. "I'm sorry son, I can't give anything to someone who talks like you do. I'm not bringing you anything for Christmas."

Santa then called Johnny's parents over and told them what had happened. They apologized profusely, saying they didn't understand why he talked like that, and they had been trying to break him of the habit with no luck.

"I know how to stop it," Santa said. "Don't get him anything for Christmas. Just get some dog doo. Put a pile of dog doo in the backyard where he wants the swingset, another pile in the side yard where he wants the sandbox, and another pile in the front yard where he wants the trampoline. That will break him of it."

The parents agreed.

Christmas morning the kid heads downstairs to open their presents. Johnny runs out the back door, looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the side door, looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the front door, looks around, and
comes back in, looking upset.

"What's wrong, son?" asked his father. "What did Santa bring you?"

Little Johnny answered, "He brought me a damn dog, but I can't find him!"

Thank you for the smile

 

[Daizie]

Thank you for the smile

Welcome!

Thank you for this thread!

 

[omahaman2]

The strange Christmas scene
In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me.

The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.

 

[omahaman2]

http://www.ahajokes.com/cartoon/reindeer_revenge.jpg

 

[omahaman2]

Q: How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ?
A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"

 

[omahaman2]

A Martha Stewart Christmas
Dear Santa:

I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want one little thing, and I want it deeply.

I want to slap Martha Stewart.

Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything. Just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek. I get all cozy inside just thinking about it. Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of women across the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us all. Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't concerned with gracious living.

We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner. We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from hollyhock dipped in 18-carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold. Unless it's of the furniture polish variety. We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric. Most of us can't even say turmeric, let alone figure out what to do with it.

OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But I'll bet with all the holiday rush you didn't catch that interview with Martha in last week's USA Weekend. I'm surprised there was enough room on the page for her ego.

We discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza (she's only ordered it once), she refuses to eat it cold (No cold pizza? Is Martha Stewart living?) When it was pointed out that she could microwave it, she replied, "I don't have a microwave."

The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow, noted that she said this "in a tone that suggests you shouldn't either."

Well, lah-dee-dah. Imagine that, Santa!

That lovely microwave you brought me years ago, in which I've learned to make complicated dishes like popcorn and hot chocolate, has been declared undesirable by Queen Martha. What next? The coffee maker?

In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of dishes adorning an entire wall in her home. Forty sets. Can you spell "overkill"? And neatly put away, no less. If my dishes make it to the dishwasher that qualifies as "put away" in my house!

Martha tells us she's already making homemade holiday gifts for friends. "Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone," she boasts. Not just scarves mind you. Amazing scarves. Martha's obviously not shy about giving herself a little pat on the back. In fact, she does so with such frequency that one has to wonder if her back is black and blue.

She goes on to tell us that "homemaking is glamour for the 90s," and says her most glamorous friends are "interested in stain removal, how to iron a monogram, and how to fold a towel." I have one piece of advice, Martha: "Get new friends."

Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They drift past the Greek Islands on yachts, sipping champagne from crystal goblets. They step out for the evening in shimmering satin gowns, whisked away by tuxedoed chauffeurs. They do not spend their days pondering the finer art of toilet bowl sanitation. Zaslow notes that Martha was named one of America's 25 most influential people by Time magazine (nosing out Mother Theresa, Madeline Allbright and Maya Angelou, no doubt).

The proof of Martha's influence: after she bought white-fleshed peaches in the supermarket, Martha says, "People saw me buy them. In an instant, they were all gone." I hope Martha never decides to jump off a bridge.

A guest in Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha gets up early to rollerblade with her dogs to pick fresh wild blackberries for breakfast.

This confirms what I've suspected about Martha all along: She's obviously got too much time on her hands. Teaching the dogs to rollerblade. What a show off.

If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how Martha treats her friends: She gave one friend all 272 books from the Knopf Everyman Library. It didn't cost much. Pocket change, really. Just $5,000. But what price friendship, right?

When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies, "Don't envy me. I'm doing this because I'm a natural teacher. You shouldn't envy teachers. You should listen to them." Zaslow must have slit a seam in Martha's ego at this point, because once the hot air came hissing out, it couldn't be held back. "Being an overachiever is nothing despicable. It is only admirable. Never lower your standards," says Martha.

And of her Web Page on the Internet, Martha declares herself an "important presence" as she graciously helps people organize their sad, tacky little lives. There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who deserved a good smack, it's Martha Stewart. But I bet I won't get my gift this year.

You probably want to smack her yourself.

 

[omahaman2]

A parent's night before Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!


We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat....
Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!

When what to my worrying eyes should appear,
But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
So if we failed, only we could be blamed.

More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
All over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."

And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
With "assembly required" till morning's first light.

We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
Before we attached the last rod and last pin.

Then laying the tools away in the chest,
We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.

Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
And not have to run to the store for a thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
For the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"

Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went,
Though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded...
I'd forgotten that batteries are never included!

 

[sunbunny3]

Merry Christmas!

 

[jaded_lily]

my husband sent this to my email, I rolled:


This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel
> contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners.
> It won first prize.
>
>
> As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose
> over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted
> was for Santa to fill them.
>
> What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be
> true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's
> kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung
> sadly empty.
>
> One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on
> sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll.
> They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to
> an adult bookstore downtown.
>
> If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go.
> you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying
> things like, "What does this do?" "You're
> kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I
> made it to the inflatable doll section.
>
> I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could
> also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use
> the car pool lane during rush hour.
>
> Finding what I wanted was difficult. "Love Dolls"
> come in many different models. The top of the line,
> according to the side of the box, could do things I'd
> only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for
> "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the
> price scale.
>
> To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of
> imagination.
>
> On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump,
> Louise came to life.
>
> My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during
> the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I
> filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs
> and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained
> of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and
> giggled for a couple of hours.
>
> The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had
> been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY
> happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start
> to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
>
> We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so
> the rest of the family could admire her when they came over
> for the traditional Christmas dinner.
>
> My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the
> door.
> "What the hell is that?" she asked.
>
> My brother quickly explained, "It's a
> doll."
>
> "Who would play with something like that?" Granny
> snapped.
>
> I kept my mouth shut.
>
> "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
>
> "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay
> said, to steer her into the dining room.
>
> But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have
> any teeth?"
>
> Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was
> Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the
> ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"
>
> My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight,
> sidled up t o me and said, " Hey, who's the naked
> gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's
> friend.
>
> A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel,
> talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting.
> It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's
> last Christmas at home.
>
> The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about
> who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when
> suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom
> in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew
> around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the
> sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my
> nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees,
> and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
>
> My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
>
> Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and
> sat in the car.
>
> It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
>
> Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough
> examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We
> discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the
> back of her right thigh.
>
> Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we
> restored her to perfect health.
>
> I can't wait until next Christmas.

 

[omahaman2]

my husband sent this to my email, I rolled:


This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel
> contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners.
> It won first prize.
>
>
> As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose
> over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted
> was for Santa to fill them.
>
> What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be
> true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's
> kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung
> sadly empty.
>
> One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on
> sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll.
> They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to
> an adult bookstore downtown.
>
> If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go.
> you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying
> things like, "What does this do?" "You're
> kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I
> made it to the inflatable doll section.
>
> I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could
> also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use
> the car pool lane during rush hour.
>
> Finding what I wanted was difficult. "Love Dolls"
> come in many different models. The top of the line,
> according to the side of the box, could do things I'd
> only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for
> "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the
> price scale.
>
> To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of
> imagination.
>
> On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump,
> Louise came to life.
>
> My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during
> the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I
> filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs
> and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained
> of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and
> giggled for a couple of hours.
>
> The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had
> been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY
> happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start
> to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
>
> We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so
> the rest of the family could admire her when they came over
> for the traditional Christmas dinner.
>
> My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the
> door.
> "What the hell is that?" she asked.
>
> My brother quickly explained, "It's a
> doll."
>
> "Who would play with something like that?" Granny
> snapped.
>
> I kept my mouth shut.
>
> "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
>
> "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay
> said, to steer her into the dining room.
>
> But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have
> any teeth?"
>
> Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was
> Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the
> ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"
>
> My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight,
> sidled up t o me and said, " Hey, who's the naked
> gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's
> friend.
>
> A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel,
> talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting.
> It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's
> last Christmas at home.
>
> The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about
> who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when
> suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom
> in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew
> around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the
> sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my
> nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees,
> and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
>
> My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
>
> Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and
> sat in the car.
>
> It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
>
> Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough
> examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We
> discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the
> back of her right thigh.
>
> Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we
> restored her to perfect health.
>
> I can't wait until next Christmas.

LOL!!
I wonder if iys real or from someone's imagination

 

[Icey*Fire]

"May the spirit of Christmas bring you peace,
The gladness of Christmas give you hope,
The warmth of Christmas grant you love."


http://i495.photobucket.com/albums/rr316/LMBURLVR/Bluerose-glitter-1.jpg

 

[jaded_lily]

LOL!!
I wonder if iys real or from someone's imagination

no clue but it was funny as hell

 

[sunbunny3]

my husband sent this to my email, I rolled:


This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel
> contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners.
> It won first prize.
>
>
> As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose
> over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted
> was for Santa to fill them.
>
> What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be
> true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's
> kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung
> sadly empty.
>
> One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on
> sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll.
> They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to
> an adult bookstore downtown.
>
> If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go.
> you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying
> things like, "What does this do?" "You're
> kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I
> made it to the inflatable doll section.
>
> I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could
> also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use
> the car pool lane during rush hour.
>
> Finding what I wanted was difficult. "Love Dolls"
> come in many different models. The top of the line,
> according to the side of the box, could do things I'd
> only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for
> "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the
> price scale.
>
> To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of
> imagination.
>
> On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump,
> Louise came to life.
>
> My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during
> the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I
> filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs
> and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained
> of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and
> giggled for a couple of hours.
>
> The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had
> been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY
> happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start
> to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
>
> We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so
> the rest of the family could admire her when they came over
> for the traditional Christmas dinner.
>
> My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the
> door.
> "What the hell is that?" she asked.
>
> My brother quickly explained, "It's a
> doll."
>
> "Who would play with something like that?" Granny
> snapped.
>
> I kept my mouth shut.
>
> "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
>
> "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay
> said, to steer her into the dining room.
>
> But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have
> any teeth?"
>
> Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was
> Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the
> ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"
>
> My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight,
> sidled up t o me and said, " Hey, who's the naked
> gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's
> friend.
>
> A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel,
> talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting.
> It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's
> last Christmas at home.
>
> The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about
> who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when
> suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom
> in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew
> around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the
> sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my
> nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees,
> and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
>
> My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
>
> Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and
> sat in the car.
>
> It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
>
> Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough
> examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We
> discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the
> back of her right thigh.
>
> Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we
> restored her to perfect health.
>
> I can't wait until next Christmas.

OMG!!! I laughed so hard it hurt!

 

[sunbunny3]

Went to see Four Christmases tonight.. really cute movie.

 

[omahaman2]

Revised Christmas days
Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:


1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated

3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps

10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year

11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

 

[JennyOmanHill]

http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y148/flipper0828/Christmas%20funnies/ATT00278.jpg

 

[omahaman2]

Politically Correct Santa
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!?

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.

And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows:
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.

So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...

"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

 

[le_sucre]

Snow Miser/Heat Miser

The classic video from "Year Without A Santa Clause" ~ but performed by the amazing Big Bad Voodoo Daddy.

 

[sunbunny3]

Snow Miser/Heat Miser

The classic video from "Year Without A Santa Clause" ~ but performed by the amazing Big Bad Voodoo Daddy.

I think Mr Heatmiser lives down the street!