Christmas giggles...

[Pixie]

THREE WISE WOMEN?

A Thought For Christmas

Do you know what would have happened
If they had been Three Wise Women
Instead of Three Wise Men?
They would have asked directions,
Arrived on time,
Helped deliver the baby,
Cleaned the stable,
Made a casserole,
Brought practical gifts and
There would be Peace On Earth.

 

[Pixie]

Dear Santa,
I wud lika a kool toy spce ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all
yeer.

Yer Frend
BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about
I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm
giving your older brother the space ranger. At least he can spell.
Santa

******************************************************
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace
and joy in the world for everybody!

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa

*****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy
and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love
Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's slammin' his secretary like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your
frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream.
Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum
kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa

*****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots
for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face
when riding in the sleigh. Do me a favor. Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa

******************************************************
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend
Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I
spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking
myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing
money at the crap table. Hey, you wanted to know
Santa

*******************************************************
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake,
like the song?
Love,
Jessica.

Dear Jessica
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping
your house.
Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,

Can I please, please, please, please, please have a pupppy?
Your friend Timmy.

Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't
work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa

****************************************************
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky

Dear Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass
kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent
apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars
do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa

 

[phrodeau]

THREE WISE WOMEN?

A Thought For Christmas

Do you know what would have happened
If they had been Three Wise Women
Instead of Three Wise Men?
They would have asked directions,
Arrived on time,
Helped deliver the baby,
Cleaned the stable,
Made a casserole,
Brought practical gifts and
There would be Peace On Earth.

The Bible would never have mentioned them.

 

[ShamelessFlirt]

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged



SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Kings Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas

NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Office and Town ...or... Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me

PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.

DEPRESSION - Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia. All is calm, All pretty lonely.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock. Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock. Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock. Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock. Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock. Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock. Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock. Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock. Jingle Bell... (YOU GET THE IDEA)

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away)

 

[ShamelessFlirt]

Christmas Eve at The X- Files

Mulder: We're too late. It's already been here.

Scully: Mulder, I hope you know what you are doing.

Mulder: Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into some sort of shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care.

Scully: You really think someone's been here?

Mulder: Someone or some THING.

Scully: Mulder, over here-it's fruitcake.

Mulder: Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal.

Scully: It's O.K. There's a note attached: "Gonna find out who's naughty and nice."

Mulder: It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list.

Scully: Who? What are you talking about?

Mulder: Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish its disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite.

Scully: But that's legend, Mulder-a story told by parents to frighten children. Surely, you don't believe it?

Mulder: Something was here tonite, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive- and in a hurry.

Scully: It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has been completely drained.

Mulder: It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse

Scully: But why would they leave it milk and cookies?

Mulder: Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding.

Scully: But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked. There's no sign of forced entry.

Mulder: Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace.

Scully: Wait a minute, Mulder. If you are saying some huge creature landed on the roof and came down the chimney, you're crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get through there.

Mulder: But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions.

Scully: You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?

Mulder: Exactly. Scully, I've never told anyone this, but when I was a child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white strips of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I'll never forget the horror. I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow taken on the facial features of my father.

Scully: Impossible.

Mulder: I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. IT KNEW I WANTED A MR. POTATO HEAD.

Scully: I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the laws of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen to what you are saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If this gets out, they'll close the X-files.

Mulder: Scully, listen to me: It knows when you are sleeping. It knows when you're awake.

Scully: But we have no proof.

Mulder: Last year, on this exact date, S.E.T.I. radio telescopes detected bogeys in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The White House ordered a Condition Red.

Scully: But that was a meteor shower.

Mulder: Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. Nobody - not even the zookeeper - was told about it. The government doesn't want people to know about Project Kringle. They fear that if this thing is proved to exist, then the public would stop spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe this creature lives. There's too much at stake. They'll do whatever it takes to insure another silent night.

Scully: Mulder, I--

Mulder: Sh-h-h! Do you hear what I hear?

Scully: On the roof. It sounds like . . . a clatter.

Mulder: The truth is up there. Let's see what's the matter.

 

[ShamelessFlirt]

25 CHRISTMAS-TIME IDEAS TO TORTURE YOUR ROOMMATE

1. Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloody murder and thrash on the floor.

2. Go to the mall with your roomate and sit on Santa's lap. Refuse to get off.

3. Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny you're wearing it.

4. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, "Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town..."

5. Hang mistle-toe in the doorway. When your roomate enters or leaves the room, plant a big wet one on his/her lips.

6. Hang a stocking with your roomates name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it. If s/he asks, say "you've been very naughty this year."

7. Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.

8. Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (i.e., "You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistle-toe last night.")

9. Wrap yourself in Christmas lights and roll around in the snow.

10. Sing: "All I want for Christmas is my roomate's two front teeth..."

11. Give your roomate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song.

12. Build a snowperson with your roomate and place a hat on its head.

When it doesn't come to life, cry hysterically "it didn't work!"

13. Whip your roomate screaming "now Dasher, now Dancer, now Donner, and Blitzen, etc."

14. Tear down all your roomate's Christmas decorations yelling "Bah Humbug!"

15. Wake up every morning screaming "Ghost of Christmas Future, please have mercy on my soul!" (The Lords Of Darkness apply here too...)

16. Tell your roomate you're moving out. Santa's buying you a house on 34th Street.

17. Pin a pointsetta to your lapel.

18. Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first.

19. Put on a fake white beard and insist that all your roomate's friends "give it a yank."

20. Ring jingle bells maniacally saying "every time a bell rings an
angel gets his/her wings."

21. Stand in front of the mirror reciting "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" over and over in your underwear.

22. Smoke mistle-toe. Do what comes naturally.

23. Watch your roomate when s/he is sleeping. When s/he wakes up sing, "he sees you when you're sleeping..."

24. Steal a life size nativity scene and display it in your room. When your roommate asks, tell him/her "I had to let them stay here, there's no room at the inn."

25. When your roomate goes to the bathroom, rearrange his/her posessions. Tell him/her that Santa's elves must have done it.

 

[ShamelessFlirt]

Twas The Night Before....


'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen;

I was cooking and baking and moanin' and bitchin'.

I've been here for hours, I can't stop to rest,

This place is a disaster, just look at this mess!

Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed,

They expect all the trimmings? who cares what I need!

My feet are both blistered, I've got cramps in my legs,

The dog just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.

There's a knock at the door and the telephone's ringing;

Frosting drips on the counter as the microwave's dinging.

Two pies in the oven, dessert's almost done;

My cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.

I've had all I can stand, I can't take anymore;

Then walks in my husband, spilling rum on the floor.

He heaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;

Then grins as he chuckles "The eggnog is ready!"

He looks all around and with total regret,

Says "What's takin' so long?aren't you through in here yet??"

As quick as a flash I reach for a knife;

He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life!

He flees from the room in terror and pain,

and screams "MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE!!"

Now what was I doing, and what is that smell?

Oh, no, it's the pies!! They're burned all to hell!!

I hate to admit when I make a mistake,

But I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.

What else can go wrong?? Is there still more ahead??

If this is good living, I'd rather be dead.

Lord, don't get me wrong, I love holidays;

They just leave me exhausted, all shaky and dazed.

But I promise you one thing, If I live 'til next year,

You won't find me pulling my hair out in here.

I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;

And if that doesn't work, I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

 

[Pixie]

Thanks Shameless!
I'd read the X-files one before, but hadn't seen the others.

 

[Pixie]

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 1
RE: Holiday Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at
the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll
have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along.
And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A
Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees
can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over £10 make the
giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for
employees! A special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty

*************************************************************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which
often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same
policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those
still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree
present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for
your enjoyment. Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty

*************************************************************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy
to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that
reads,"AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed
to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts
exchange are allowed since the union members feel that £10.00 is too
much money and executives believe £10.00 is a little chintzy.

NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

*************************************************************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human ResourcesDirector
To: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how
a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim
employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your
meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to
take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've
arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert
buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit
with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower
arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to
cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster
seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a
diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those
people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh
fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar"
desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty

*************************************************************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All YOU #%&$ing Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The <mailto:#$%*!@%> #$%*!@% Holiday Party

Vegetarians?!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit
quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^ &*! salad bar, including
organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream
when you slice them heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right
NOW! hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drink and die, you hear
me!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!

*************************************************************
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Holidays!

 

[ShamelessFlirt]

I Think Santa Claus is a Woman


I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they -- with amazing calm -- call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.



Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

Men can't pack a bag.
Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.
Men don't answer their mail.
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.


I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men...

Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy.

Cupid flies around carrying weapons.

Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.

Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.



I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!

 

[ShamelessFlirt]

Santa's Cummin

Santa Claus went to town
eatin Mrs. Claus's mound

He's was such an eager fellow
it was Mrs. Claus who shook like jello

Smiling as he kissed that place
till he got his present, she came on his face

Then with an impish grin
he laughed as he wiped his chin

Mrs. Claus fell to her knees
ascertaining it was her turn to please

Santa playfully smacked her rear
wishing he could cum more than once a year

 

[ShamelessFlirt]

Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurtin', even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.

Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while
Upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
I went into the kitchen and started to clean.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.

The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN."
With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:

"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penny's and Sears
Here's Robinson's, Levitz's and Target and Mervyn's.
To the tip of your limit, every store, every mall,
Now charge away--charge away--charge away all!"
He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.

Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
"Enjoy what you got. . . . . .you'll be paying all year!"

 

[Pixie]

I Think Santa Claus is a Woman

's I looked for that one everywhere, but couldn't find it.
I must've trashed it...

 

[Guest]

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy
and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love
Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's slammin' his secretary like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your
frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream.
Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa

MWA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

[ShamelessFlirt]

Santa is Quitting

T'was the night before Christmas,
Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks,
I have good mind to scrap the whole works
I've busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa" what do I hear?

The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money - the reindeer all fight
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS

And just when I thought that things
would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter
They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money?

And the kids these days - they all are the pits
They want the impossible ...Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them
They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment
There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason
I found me a blonde.. I'm going SOUTH for the season!!

 

[Shy Tall Guy]

*bump*

 

[Naughty Elf]

bump

 

[ShamelessFlirt]

The story of how the Angel ended up atop the Christmas Tree:

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip... but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. MORE stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard he found the elves had hit the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of pieces.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door.

He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great BIG tree.

The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"

And that my friend is how the little angel came to be on top
of the Christmas tree.

 

[ShamelessFlirt]

Really bad one liners ...

(give one to your kids for Christmas)




What do reindeer say before telling you a joke ?
This one will sleigh you !

How do you make a slow reindeer fast ?
Don't feed it !

Why did the reindeer wear black boots ?
Because his brown ones were all muddy !

How long should a reindeer's legs be ?
Just long enough to reach the ground !

Which reindeer have the shortest legs ?
The smallest ones !

Where do you find reindeer ?
It depends on where you leave them !

What do reindeer have that no other animals have?
Baby reindeer !

I can lift a reindeer with one hand !
I bet you can't !
Well you find me a reindeer with one hand and I'll lift it !

If a reindeer lost his tail, where would it go for a new one ?
A retail shop !

Why do reindeer scratch themselves ?
Because they're the only ones who know where they itch !

What is the wettest animal ?
A rain-deer !

What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy ?
She gave him the cold shoulder !

Where do snowmen go to dance ?
Snowballs !

How do snowmen travel around ?
By iceicle !

What sort of ball doesn't bounce ?
A snowball !

How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed ?
You wake up wet !

What do you get if cross a snowman and a vampire ?
Frost bite !


Why is a burning candle like being thirsty ?
Because a little water ends both of them !

What did the big candle say to the little candle ?
I'm going out tonight !

How long does it take to burn a candle down ?
About a wick !

What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree ?
A pineapple !

Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters ?
They both drop their needles !

What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas ?
Thanks, I'll never part with it !

What do you give a train driver for Christmas ?
Platform shoes !

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?
It's Christmas, Eve !

What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month ?
The letter "D" !

What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ?
Santa Claustrophobia !

What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve ?
Black mail !

Who delivers cat's Christmas presents ?
Santa Paws !

Why does Santa go down the chimney ?
Because it soots him !

How many chimnies does Santa go down ?
Stacks !

Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can ho-ho-ho.

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

 

[Astroman]

The Real 12 Days of Christmas


Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With deepest love and devotion,

Agnes
-----------------

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love,

Agnes
-----------------

Dearest John:

Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.

Love, Agnes
-----------------

Dear John,

Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful but don't you think enough is enough. You're being too romantic.

Affectionately,

Agnes
-----------------

Dearest John:

What a surprise. Today the postman delivered 5 golden rings; one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,

Anges
-----------------

Dear John:

When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese a-laying on my front steps. So, you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.

Cordially,

Agnes
-----------------

John:

What's with you and those fucking birds? 7 swans a-swimming. What kind of God damned joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house, and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop with those fucking birds.

Sincerely,

Agnes
-----------------

O.K. Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a-milking, but they had to bring their God damned cows. There is shit all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house.

Just lay off me, smart ass.

Agnes
-----------------

Hey! Shithead,

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's 9 pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. They cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

You'll get yours,

Agnes
-----------------

You Rotten Prick,

Now there's 10 ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got the diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why this building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you.

One who means it.
-----------------

Listen! Dickhead,

What's with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies. Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine.

Your sworn enemy,

Agnes
-----------------

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached warrant for you arrest.

Cordially,

Badger, Bender and Cahole

 

[Pixie]

The Real 12 Days of Christmas

LOL! That was a good one

 

[Astroman]

Barbie's letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing
suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from too many tea parties. I hate to break it to you Santa, but it is DEFINITELY pay back
time!!

There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you don't want to be around to smell it!) So, here's my holiday wish list for this year, Santa.

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are
these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to be cheap and mold imitation underwear to my skin? It looks like cellulite!!!

3. A REAL man....maybe G.I.Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped out excuse for a boy-toy Ken. And what's with the earring
anyway? If I'm going to have to suffer with him, for christ's sakes, make us anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just do it!!

6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!!

8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe a "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, fitted with fake fur coat, bottle of spray blood and handcuffs; or "Stop
Smoking Barbie", sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it!

Okay Santa, that's it. considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours truly,
Barbie

 

[Astroman]

Ken's letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes.

In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning
Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.

First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment-the bitch has EVERYTHING!! I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dream house, Corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to change our hairstyle. I personally have 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorise my outfits with an earring was my
decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I, too, would like a change in my career. Have you considered :"Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out of Work Actor Ken"? In
addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as:"S&M Ken", "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken".

These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can"push me away", I need bendable knees so I can kick that bitch to the curb.

Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations-we've talked about this issue before.

In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action taken by myself and
others.

PS. Barbie can forget about having Joe-he's mine, at least that is what he said last night.

Sincerely,
Ken

 

[Astroman]

Ten signs Santa has marraige problems

He's replaced all the elves with scantily clad Swedish exchange students
Mrs. Claus calls him "that fat freak in the red underwear"
He traded in his sleigh for a van with a waterbed
He's been spending a little too much time with the life-sized Holiday Barbie
His new live-in personal elf valet, Steve
Mrs. Claus having cybersex relationship with accountant from New Jersey
He knows when she's been sleeping, he knows when she's awake, because he's bugged the bedroom
Lately, she keeps "forgetting" to tie her robe when she brings the elves their morning coffee
Stockings aren't the only things he's been nailing in front of the fireplace
Not a creature is stirring in Santa's pants

 

[Rambrat]

THREE WISE WOMEN?

A Thought For Christmas

Do you know what would have happened
If they had been Three Wise Women
Instead of Three Wise Men?
They would have asked directions,
Arrived on time,
Helped deliver the baby,
Cleaned the stable,
Made a casserole,
Brought practical gifts and
There would be Peace On Earth.

What woman arrives on time?