Chew me up, and spit me out, or swallow and enjoy!

JAYCE73

Experienced
Joined
Aug 5, 2002
Posts
48
Hey, I figured that since my latest instalment of my story hasn't been posted yet, I would like all of you to read and give me some feedback. Negative, or positive.

I want to truly learn how to be a writer, not only of erotica, but some mainstream as well.
Tell me what you think.
I've taken some Novacane to numb the pain so fire away.


No Ordinary Love (pt11)


Two days before our vacation to Tahiti, the North East got hit with a massive snow storm. At the end, New York as well as the entire area was under fifteen inches of snow. The airports, highways and tunnels leading into the city, were all shut down.
Linda and I had nothing to do but, well, you know.

Linda laid on the floor under me, legs spread, arms wrapped around me. I drove my male member in her deep. Twisting and gyrating in and out of her. Our lips locked and we deeply, and meaningfully kissed. I lost myself, my eyes were closed, my thoughts on her and how I could please her. I broke from the kiss and softly told her I was going to cum. I pushed deep in her, filling her vagina with all my semen. I leaned down and sucked on her neck. After I was done, I remained between her legs, and kissed and sucked on her neck.
I leaned up and leaned on the sofa. Linda remained on the floor, and looked at me. Her legs spread and she rubbed her vagina, signaling me that she wanted more.
"I'd rather be fucking on a tropical beach." I said

"So would I, but we're here for the time being."

I always looked for new and hot ways to make love to her. But it seemed that we had done everything, everywhere. I looked out on the balcony, that overlooked Broadway. The snow was lightly dropping, the balcony had about ten inches of snow on it. I just stared out. I stood up and walked over to the balcony, and opened the French Doors. A stiff breeze hit me, and I my entire body instantly felt cold. I didn't have to say anything to Linda. She got up, and walked out with me. We steeped into the freezing snow, with our nude bodies. She moved in front of me, then kneeled, and put my cold hard cock in her mouth and began sucking it. I looked up and down the street, it was dead. People could probable see us from other apartments, but at this point, we didn't give a fuck.

I moved Linda's head of me, then I moved down to the cold floor. I gently laid her in the snow, and I spread her legs. I moved between her and slowly, entered her. We needed to work up some heat, so I began to move faster, and harder in her. I ran my hands through her hair, and pulled. Steam began to radiate from our bodies. Our breath was cold as soft grunts and moans were made as we passionately fucked. As I rammed in her, her body became covered with snow. Seeing the heat from our bodies, and her hardened cold nipples, really turned me on. I felt I was nearing climax. I tried to hold back, but I couldn't. Within a few minutes, I came. I pulled out of her, and moved to her face. I put my cock on her cold lips and let my grip go. I came in her mouth, and I grabbed her wet hair as I released. I leaned up and pulled her to me, we then quickly ran into the apartment, and shut the doors. Our bodies were soaked and we both shivered from the cold. I walked quickly into the bathroom and ran water for a hot bath. A few minutes later, we sat in the hot water together. I held her tight in my arms, and gently kissed her neck. I moved my right hand down between her legs, and entered her vagina with my middle finger.

"So, if we don't get out of here, what are we going to do for three weeks?" I asked

"What do we normally do?… Talk and fuck. Talk and fuck."

"The story of us."

"You don't like the story?"

"Why did you ask that?"

"The way you said it, like being with me is a chore, or un- pleasurable."

"I didn't mean for it to sound like that."
She didn't say anything. She leaned her head back on my shoulder and closed her eyes.
About a half hour later we got out and dried off. We both laid in bed, and kissed. Which lead to us making love until the morning. Why do I feel like I am so over sexed? Men think about sex, every 5.5 seconds. They want it at will. They want a woman to fulfill their deepest fantasy. They dream about a sex life, were sex was a daily occurrence. I had all of those things, but still was not truly happy. I wanted to be happy, with her. But I wasn't. I don't know. I just don't know.

Linda pushed my head between her legs, I began to eat her pussy. I still got such a rush when I'm between her legs. I entered her with my tongue. I licked in her, hitting the walls, and her clitoris. I went in her as deep as I could. Eventually I tasted her fluids in my mouth. Her legs clamped around my head, her hands held my head tight. When she was done, I moved up and entered her and pumped her fast I came almost immediately. I pushed deep on her and came. I then laid beside her.
She moved over and laid on top of me. I ran my hands through her hair, and caressed her skin.

"Why is it so hard for you, to let me know what your thinking? I know something is wrong, but I just don't what it is."

"Why do you keep saying there is something wrong?"

"Because I know you! You're not the same. When we make love, your body is there but your mind isn't."

"I'm not happy. There you have it."
She leaned up, and slid to the foot of the bed.

"Why? I thought, I made you happy. I thought you loved me."

"I do, but, I just feel so empty. You're what I've waited for. You're what I want, and need. I just can't figure out why I am so, unhappy, inside."

"So what do want to do?"

"I don't want to leave you. God, if I did that, I would probable become BI-polar. I just need to talk."

"I don't understand. Your unhappy, because you don't talk about… what? What do you need to talk about?"

"Us, Linda. Us."

"What about us?"

"I just can't get over the fact, that, I live a life that is so different from what I've been taught. It's killing me Linda. Every time I make love to you, my conscience stabs me all over, because I know I'm wrong."

"How can it be wrong to express how you feel towards someone you love? We love each other, so that is all that matters. Would it be different if we got married?"

"Yes, because that is the way it should be."

"Well let's just get married. If you can deal with my career for four more years, than let's do it."

"I'll wait."
She looked at me and took a deep breath.

"Your confusing me. You tell me what you want, I agree to do the things needed to try to make you happy, and you brush me away."

"I'm not brushing you off. I just need to think."

"ABOUT WHAT? You have a FUCKING life that most men would die for. YOU HAVE A WOMAN THAT IS WILLING TO MAKE CHANGES,TO MAKE YOU HAPPY. WHAT DO YOU NEED TO THINK ABOUT?"

"I don't know."

"You need to see a shrink."
She moved off the bed and walked over to the window.

"Their plowing the streets." She said
I reached over to the clock radio and flipped on to the news station.

"1010 Wins News time at the tone, 10am. And now for the 1010 Wins Accuweather Forecast: By tomorrow we will have highs of forty degrees. The storm has passed over us, and for the next five days, we will have clear and sunny skies with highs in to the fifties. I'm John Johnson and that's the Accuweather forecast.
It looks like all major airports will be back in Operation by Tomorrow. So if your heading out, to some tropical island, you can do so by tomorrow."
I click the radio off. I looked over at Linda, as she stood by the window. The way the bright light that beamed off the snow, and into the window hit her body, made her look like a porcelain doll. I got up and walked over to her, and wrapped my arms around her waist and pulled her to me. I then kissed her neck. She then turned around and looked at me.

"Listen, just like I have a lot to deal with, concerning your career. You have to deal with my insecurities and my conscience."

"The conscience I think I can deal with, but I can't understand why you are so insecure. You have no need to be insecure."

"I don't know what to say."

"Don't say anything"
She walked over to the bed, and sat at the edge. I walked over and sat beside her.

"We need to pack. We have to be in Newark by five am tomorrow morning."

"How much are you packing?"

"Basically, just a few skirts, and sandals."

"That's it?"

"Most of the time, I'm going to be nude, so there is no need to pack a lot."

"I have dreamed so much of the day, when I could walk on the beaches of Bora Bora, with a beautiful nude woman."

"Another fantasy fulfilled."

"I'm running out of things to fantasize about."

"You'll think of some more. When we come back, I'll have to leave you in La."

"Where will you be going?"

"I have some trade shows I have to do. I'll be away for about a month."

"Wow. It's going to be hard being alone."

"I don't get you. One minute you're saying your un-happy with me, and the next minute, your telling me it will be hard being without me. Your either happy with me, or not, which is it?"

"It's not you."

"WELL WHAT THE FUCK IS IT? I CAN'T GO THROUGHT THESE EMOTINONAL HIGHS AND LOW'S WITH YOU. WE NEED TO GET SOME STABILITY, AND QUCK."

"Or?"

"Do you really want to know?"

"Linda, we are both Fucked up people. So, I just guess we have to deal with each others quirks."

"Quirks are not putting the toilet seat down, and chewing with your mouth open. That, I can deal with. This,… I don't know what to say to you to get you out of what ever you're going through. I don't know WHAT you're going through. There comes a point where you have to move on, stop living in the past, and just get the FUCK on with your life. You were raised different, you have a conscience that kills you, I did not COME AFTER YOU. YOU WANTED ME! So if you're conscience is killing you because you live a life of sin, it's not MY FALT. YOU CHOSE TO DO SO."

"You didn't have to be so harsh."

"Yes I did. Because I walking around, feeling horrible, because I'm thinking I did something to make you feel this way. But I'm not doing it any more. I did not mess up your life. We are grown ass adults, we make grown up decisions, and we have to live with the consequences of those decisions. You made a decision to fall in love with a woman that did not live the way you do. And the consequence of that decision is a guilty conscience. If you can't live with the decision and consequence, then pack your shit and leave. But if you decide to stay, GET THE FUCK OVER IT. I am not going to live with a man, that will make me feel bad. The choice is yours Jason. What do you want to do?"
"I can't leave you."

"Why?"

"Because, I'm like addicted to you."

"YOU ARE SO FULL OF CRAP! Why can't you leave? Say it."

"Say what?"

"You men are all the same. You're afraid to commit. That's what it all boils down to. Your afraid. You've told me you love, and I believed it. But now, that you have to prove it, your bluff has be called, you can't put up."

"That's not true."

"Well than prove it."

"What exactly do you want me to do?"

"Show me you love me. Show me, you want to spend the rest of your life with me."

"What? What do you want me to do?"

"Have you told your family and friends what I do for a living?"

"HELL NO!"

"Why?"

"I don't know."

"Yes you do. You're embarrassed. You're embarrassed to say, that you are in love with a woman who is in porn. THAT'S what your fighting with. Your afraid of what others will think."



I shook my head in agreement.

"If that's it. If that's what it is, what the cause of your emotional struggle, then Jason, I can't change my past. I can't change who I am right now. If you TRULY love me, than you will accept that. If your family and friends TRULY love you, they'll accept who you've fallen in love with. Going into this relationship, Jason, you should have known, it would not be easy."

"Your right, your right."

"Now you see why, women in the porn industry, only date those in the business?"

"Do you regret allowing me to be here with you?"

"No. Because you have given me a reason to change."

"Don't throw me out."

"I was, but now that I know what your problem is, I …we can work this out. Do you really think, that if you brought me to a family function or introduced me to some more of your friends, that I would embarrass you?"

"No."

"So what did you think?"

"Just the thought of them finding out."

"That's understandable. Did you think I would get mad at you because your embarrassed?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I'm not."
I looked at her and smiled. I then leaned over and kissed her.

"You want to make love?" she asked
"Not really."
I leaned back on the bed and closed my eyes. She laid on top of me, and kissed my neck.

"I love you Jay."

"I love you too."

"Just talk. If you have something on your mind, just talk."

"Is it too late for me to accept your offer of sex?"

"No."
She leaned up and took my cock and put it in her. She slowly moved up and down. I closed my eyes and just felt the feeling. I ran my hands down her legs that were straddled on me. God! I thought, what would I do without her? What? I would miss her body, her company, her voice, her laughter so much.
I reached up and squeezed her tits lightly. She began to move faster, gyrating, and bucking on. Seeing her face, and the intense look she had, while fucking me, turned me on so much.
I felt myself, coming. I jolted my hips up, and held her tight by the hips as I exploded in her. She leaned down and kissed my neck. Her body still moving up and down on me. I could feel the cum running down the bottom of my shaft. I grabbed her ass tight and as she moved. Our lips locked and we kissed passionately. Our tongues played together as our mouths locked. We exchanged breaths our saliva mixed. I was in heaven. My heart beat faster and faster, as I came closer to another climax. She moved faster on me. She leaned up and ran her hands through her hair. Her mouth open, letting out soft moans of ecstasy. Her eyes opened and she looked down at me, with a look of seduction. She grabbed her chest and squeezed, and rubbed it. She then leaned down and rested her hands on my chest, and began to grind harder and deeper on me.
I came in her again. I closed my eyes, and moaned lightly in pleasure. She continued moving on me. A few minutes later, she came, then collapsed on my chest.
Her breathing was heavy, but after a few minutes it became normal.

"Play with my hair."
I ran my hand through her hair, which made her fall asleep. I was soon after.
We woke up around two AM. Our flight left at five, which means we had to be there by three. We were able to find a cab, and got to the airport on time.
Thirteen hours later, we landed in Honolulu. After a two hour lay over, we left for Papeete, Tahiti. Thirty five minutes after that, we landed in Bora Bora. By the time we got to our hotel, we just were ready to sleep for about two days. Which was cool, because we would be here for three weeks. And let me tell you, the three weeks, were unbelievable.
 
Good job!

I liked your story and enjoyed reading it. The sense of conflict was strong enough that it felt real.

You know how that say that everyone in your dreams is really you? That's how most people seem to write. But with yours, I felt that the conflict had the complexity of real life. The different interpretations of the same situation seem to imply a certain mystery--like that of real relationships.

For example:
"I didn't have to say anything to Linda. She got up, and walked out with me. We steeped into the freezing snow, with our nude bodies. She moved in front of me, then kneeled, and put my cold hard cock in her mouth and began sucking it."

You did not explain why she did it. But she's a porn star, right? She is acting her role with the spirit of a martyr, almost, it seems to say--that somehow she feels like her role in life is fucking, and that's pretty much it.

This is highlighted later:
"What do we normally do?… Talk and fuck. Talk and fuck."

Much of the sex seems a little mechanical. Once again, that seems to be in line with the nihilistic spirit of the story.

On a different note, I think that you've made a few unintended grammar mistakes. Some of the non-standard grammar is clearly intentional, like the sentence fragments, so I'll ignore those.

I drove my male member in her deep.

I know this is how you might say it, out loud, but it is confusing in print. I don't think you meant "I drove my male member while inside of her deepness"--which is what it seems to imply. I'm pretty sure that you mean "I drove my male member into her, deeply." or "I drove my male member deeply into her." If you wish to emphasize it, perhaps you could write: "I drove my male member into her--deeply." or even "I drove my male member into her. Deeply." The last is grammatically incorrect, of course.

You do this a couple of other times. Make sure to avoid unintentionally using adjectives as adverbs.

That's enough for now.
 
hey.. it's definitely a good story, and a great start. I always like a story with a lot of dialogue, brings you more into the characters lives.
However, a couple things I noticed. One.. when you have that much dialogue all in a row, I'd separate it out a little. With he said or she saids, and their emotions. You can see the emotions in the words you right.. but honestly a couple of times I got lost in the lengthy parts of who was talking.
There's a lot of story behind the story it seems.. if that makes sense. :) What I mean by that is this is definitely a story that I think could ,.. and should continue with a lot more. The outcome of the male's doubts.. their trip, .. etc.
The only other note I have.. and this is totally personal preference. I don't like the use of the word "vagina"... i think it's mostly because I work in the medical field and because of it being a term that's easily used between doctors and nurses in a clinic, when talking about a patient. Basically its very non-erotic to me. :)

Keep up the good work..

-Z :)
 
Hello

Hello JC, :)

You've been given some excellent advice here. I can't really add much to it.

I did read your first story and now this one, and since you did liken me to a grade school teacher on another post :) let me just say:

REPORT:

Spelling - much improved.

Grammar - much improved also.

Imagination - Vivid as ever!

Little JC is a fast learner; showing much talent.

Seriously though, that did really jump out at me. Your first story was a good read, I mean the story was H.O.T. hot, but oh boy it was hard manovering around those, spelling errors, grammical glitches, and missed punctuation, not to mention the occassional typo. This one is much better.

The snow was lightly dropping, the balcony had about ten inches of snow on it.

Try to avoid using the same word twice in one sentence, unless it's for impact.

I came in her mouth, and I grabbed her wet hair as I released.

Try to keep the number of 'pronouns down especially the 'I's. I know that 's not easy in a first person story, but it does make a better read. I came in her mouth, grabbing her wet hair as I released.

Why do I feel like I am so over sexed? Men think about sex, every 5.5 seconds. They want it at will. They want a woman to fulfill their deepest fantasy. They dream about a sex life, were sex was a daily occurrence. I had all of those things, but still was not truly happy.

I think 'they' should be 'we' since you telling the story, and you are a male, a hot and horny male!

Over, good hot little read.

I wish you well with your future writing.

Have a great day,

Alex (tb ;) )
 
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