Changing roles

[lovetoread]

Rarely do I do anything deep and revealing on these boards,so dont get shocked or anything by this question.

After sharing the level of Domness to someone,we had a discussion. He didnt like the labels from any of them. And it was brought up that he would like for me to be more aggressive and more in charge.

Okay in theory,this sounds like something simple to do,but in real life,I am having problems being in "charge".

I need to know how to change my thinking,hence my reaching out to ya'll.

I am mostly scared of being "too" aggressive and getting backlash for that.

Tis my hope to find a happy median in which we can live peacefully and without all of this stuff that we are living with now,as it seems my thoughts of this lifestyle and his are so different.

Thanks for listening,I'm off to class.

Be well.





T,I know that you will read this,and no answering from you please,as well I know your thoughts about this,k?

 

[Lancecastor]

And it was brought up that he would like for me to be more aggressive and more in charge.

My first thought was to toss the part of your post I've trimmed out above and ask you to expand on this.

I'm not sure if the two of you are talking about your intimate times, life in general....or if "aggressive & more in charge" means something more specific and finer in definition like "more demonstrative", "more verbal", "showing more self confidence"....etc....

Given that you are afraid of getting the change "wrong", I'd guess we're talking about demonstrative attitude stuff.

But as you know...I'm hardly Dr. Phil.


L

 

[Rubyfruit]

Love, if he is talking about sex, and specifically you initiating sex, let me just say that everybody needs to feel wanted.

 

[Ebonyfire]

I would think you want to be more assertive and not aggressive.

Assertive behaviour is putting yourself forward more. Aggressive behavour is riding rougshod over someone.

Eb

Rarely do I do anything deep and revealing on these boards,so dont get shocked or anything by this question.

After sharing the level of Domness to someone,we had a discussion. He didnt like the labels from any of them. And it was brought up that he would like for me to be more aggressive and more in charge.

Okay in theory,this sounds like something simple to do,but in real life,I am having problems being in "charge".

I need to know how to change my thinking,hence my reaching out to ya'll.

I am mostly scared of being "too" aggressive and getting backlash for that.

Tis my hope to find a happy median in which we can live peacefully and without all of this stuff that we are living with now,as it seems my thoughts of this lifestyle and his are so different.

Thanks for listening,I'm off to class.

Be well.





T,I know that you will read this,and no answering from you please,as well I know your thoughts about this,k?

 

[WriterDom]

If you are a sub you can't change your stripes

 

[Queen Jayne]

Predators and Changing Stripes

This is my first time exploring the online BDSM threads here.

WriterDom, I read your article The Online Predator with great interest. Yes, I know it was a long time ago that was posted, but I would urge everyone to read that and - not 'be well' but 'be WARNED'.

My interest is twofold: a long time ago I was suffering depression and very low self esteem (which I have chronically, but this was a very deep dip) and I found someone online to dominate and control me. He fulfilled just about all of the warning signs in your article, particularly lying about his real life, deceiving about other relationships and moving too fast to push me into meeting him for skin to skin dominance! I broke free from him.

Secondly: you say the sub cannot change his/her stripes... I wonder. I have seen more than one case of an online sub doing exactly that; or pretending to.

It was with great sadness that I watched a good friend on line crack under the pressures of real life AND online dramas and head for the D/s world to find someone to hurt him cyber-physically (escape from emotional pain and relinquishing personal responsibility for one's decisions). He also broke free, cursing the whole scene and the evil Domme (and her friends) who humiliated him, but went back to it a few months later AS A DOM. Yes, he also displays most of the warning signs: a damaged person now seeking to prey upon others! Abuse begets abuse.

How interesting that the author (not you perhaps, but you do agree with the content?) states that one warning sign - a red flag, in fact! - is demanding the Y/you and W/we business, and Dom/mes demanding automatic subservience from any and all subs even if they don't know them! Interesting in that the masters and mistresses in the BDSM and D/s chatrooms at this site nearly all seem to demand it!! I have protested many times, to BDSM-fans of my acquaintance at the chat site, that this sort of thing is brainwashing and potentially damaging.

I have my doubts about so many I have met online, and this cautionary article eliminates most of them from the list of anyone I would want to talk to again.

Many of the warning signs mentioned in that article are appropriate to all cyberspace sexual/potentially romantic contacts, not just those in the D/s sphere.

To clarify my own position (only fair if I'm giving opinions here)..
I enjoy some domination fantasy play online, and even in real life to a very limited extent, but I cannot accept dominance or offer subservience outside the realms of the sexual. When a partner of whom I am fond of desires it, I can be convincingly dominant but do not enjoy it much beyond empathising with the pleasure he experiences from it.

What I have in my Lit. chat profile:
The mind is a powerful plaything; use it well, be creative and wise, respect others but, above all, protect yourself and your soul.

 

[lovetoread]

Tis more like he would like to be more,well assertive would be better than aggressive.

Not that I dont do my part of the sexually wanting part,I get that point across rather well.

He would I think,like for me to,instead of letting him be in control all of the time,wish for me to take my turn with the control part.

I dont feel comfortable telling him to do things that I am told to do. Thats it in a nutshell.

I need to get over that feeling.

And that twas what I was asking.

 

[Rubyfruit]

Love, I think it would be helpful to remember that you and he are lovers first. Maybe you need to forget about D/s for a while to balance yourselves out. This is a relatively new relationship and maybe you both need to step back, go back to your core attraction to one another and begin again, learning about each others' bodies and minds and how to best pleasure each other.

 

[MissTaken]

Love, I think it would be helpful to remember that you and he are lovers first. Maybe you need to forget about D/s for a while to balance yourselves out. This is a relatively new relationship and maybe you both need to step back, go back to your core attraction to one another and begin again, learning about each others' bodies and minds and how to best pleasure each other.

Damn!

That is one of the best posts I have read here in a long time!

Getting back to basics can be one of the most healthy things two people can do, D/s or not!

Thanks, Ruby,

A wonderful and timely reminder