Caught between my family and my relationship

[Patryn]

Warning: rant ahead.

My family, specifically my aunt and my grandmother, are such narrow minded louts. I don't dislike either of them, but they drive me insane sometimes. Case in point, and the reason this post is here.

I was hanging out with my boyfriend last night. I was supposed to stop by my aunt's and pick up some stuff for a friend of hers (she's sick so she couldn't drop it off). He decided to come with me. Now, this wasn't the formal "meet the family" deal, but hey, he was there.

We got to my aunt's house, and my grandma happened to be there. I introduced everyone, we had a snack and some coffee, and things seemed to be going along great.

As some of you may know, my boyfriend is from South America. He's been in the US since he was 17, (he's now 31), but still speaks with a very slight Portugese accent. Not that it matters, but it's relevant to the story.

This morning my grandma called me, said it was nice to meet him, and wondered what nationality he was. Thinking it was just out of curiosity, I told her. She then launches into this tirade about "that's what we thought, and there are any number of perfectly good white men to date". Thing is, I've never thought of him as "not white". I mean, I know he's not American, but that matters since when? Yeah, it was the good Latin genes that attracted me to him, but that's where the nationality thing ended.

I've never known my family to be racist, and it bothers me. I really like my boyfriend, or I wouldn't be seeing him. I like my family too...well, most of the time. Thing is, they made it abundantly clear he's not welcome. We've only started seeing each other, but things are going good. What if we get married or more serious? How am I supposed to explain why he's not welcome at family gatherings? How am I supposed to explain any of this at all? Why should I have to?

 

[Always]

I sympathize with you... that's gotta suck.

you shouldn't have to. your grandmother, if she can't deal with your boyfriend's skin color, should at least just not say anything and ignore him if she doesn't like him.

I don't really have much advice for you, just that you might want to talk to your grandmother and tell her that you're an adult now and you make your own choices, and you think he's a wonderful man and you're serious about a relationship. If you're thinking about marraige, maybe you should tell her that just to shock her.

Bon Chance!

 

[catlover]

my daughter in law is from Sao Paulo, Brazil and she is lovely! Whats wrong with speaking Portugese? If she keeps my son happy (and she does) why in hell should it bother me?

By the way - I also have a Japanese son in law - i told him the same thing - keep her happy and you keep me happy, but im a lot less happy with him than i am with the daughter in law- she's really cute

[Edited by catlover on 10-02-2000 at 10:20 AM]

 

[Expertise]

Sorry but...

If I was in your boyfriends shoes I wouldn't have a whole lot of time, patience or interest for spending quality time with people who judge me solely on the color of my skin.

No offence intended but that is just plain backward and ignorant.

 

[Alyrahh]

Patryn, you have mail. There's nothing anyone can say that will make any of this easier for you or your boyfriend. Really the only thing to do, at this point, is be there for you to rant/cry/talk to. I sure hope it all works out for you.

 

[Bliss]

Life never gets any easier, hmmm?

Since you seem genuinely surprised by their views, I wondered at the sentiment of having to tell him he was the one who wasn't welcome.

In your place, as adult seeing clearly that the one in the wrong happens to be dear Gran, I don't think I could sit through a family gathering without the person I love being there. He's only unwelcome because of where he happens to have been born and/or his skin hue? I wouldn't want to be welcome there either. The teeth grinding and the stomach acid alone would do me in.

If you were fifteen, and he were thirty, a known pedophile, a convicted felon, a deadbeat dad and so on, then there would be some excuse (for the rest of the family to agree to, not that racists ever feel the need) as to why he isn't welcome.

I think you just have to be upfront with your Gran, if you are able. She obviously can dish it out, I'm sure she'll survive taking some in, too.

Best Wishes!

 

[April]

I have learned an important lesson this weekend. Your family is not always right, ethical, moral, loving, and there for you. The only one you can truly depend on is yourself. The others are only transients, passing through. Just because certain people are family; related to you, doesn't make them right, or people to be counted on and loyal to you. I say count on yourself, depend on yourself, and do what makes you happy. Don't deny yourself a relationship because of what someone says. It's just an accident of birth, you know.

Okay, I'm gonna go do something else now. I think I've confused and annoyed enough people.

 

[teresafannin]

I think you should just tell your grandmother that as an adult, you can see whoever you wish. For her to dislike this man based on the color of his skin or his accent is just ignorant, but unfortunately, we all know there are a lot of ignorant people out there. You shouldn't have to explain yourself, but knowing how family can be, you can give it a try. Tell then that you like him a lot, he treats you right & they should be happy that you found someone so nice. If they can't accept it, it is their loss. I was in a similar situation with my son & boyfriend. It took time, but they became very good friends. Stand firm with your grandmother, ask her if she is willing to not see you if your boyfriend is not welcome. Good luck, I hope it goes well for you.

 

[KillerMuffin]

Been there, done that.

I married, according to my family, "beneath me." We were financially well off and they were dirt poor.

He married, according to his family, "that wetback." They are still racist and I'm still "that wetback." In his mother's hometown 1989 is known as "Ya'll remember, that year MomStudMuffin's oldest boy married that mexican girl?"

Its not easy. There were cultural bridges to gap, I was used to buying whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, and he was used to huge family get togethers.

We chose each other. When you marry someone, you leave the bosom of your family and make a new family. It seems a little isolationsitic, but when you're dealing with rascism, sometimes you have to give the ultimatum. For my mother, who still hasn't accepted him after nearly 11 years, its "We're a package deal, either he comes with me or we don't come at all."

For his family, its a bit different. It is obvious to the person who isn't white what the family thinks about mixing. You don't have to tell him, nor should you. Its your choice, and as long as you love him and you are proud of him, they can go suck rotten eggs. They will eventually get over it. His family did, I just kept going to family events and smiling and laughing and having a good time. It took a while, but I finally won almost all of them over. Uncle Earl, the former KKK member, even showed me his still.

Talk to your grandmother, tell her like it is and lay it out in terms that cannot be misunderstood. He is your choice to make, not hers. You like him and you think he's wonderful the way he is. And shame on her for being such a narrow minded bigot. I found that in dealings with both families strong language and a willingness to back up my promises worked the best. If they don't accept both of us, then they don't accept me (or him).

Then let your family get to know him, slowly. Neutral locations are wonderful, like an ethnic restaurant. Its really hard to get on the high horse about how you should be with a nice white boy when they're mowing down on Japanese, Indian, or (heehee) south american food.

The big problem with your family is probably that they just don't know him. Obviously they really aren't that racist because YOU aren't racist. They just come from a world where different races don't marry. Let both sides know, particularly him, that he has your support, their views don't.

Personally, I wouldn't tell him that he isn't welcome at family gatherings, thats not your problem, its theirs. Since you didn't outright say your grandmother won't welcome him to gatherings, then its possible she will behave in a civilized manner over it. If they want to let it be known that he isn't welcome, make them tell him themselves, its not your problem, you aren't the racist.